Headline feedback, please

by getdusty

Posted: 12 years ago 15 replies

COPY WRITING

It might be more of a slogan, but I'd like some feedback on this:

"A Floor Care Experience That You Will Brag To Your Friends About... Or It's FREE!"

Shorter version:

"A Floor Care Experience That You Will Brag About... Or It's FREE!"

Background Info:
We provide floor care services (carpet cleaning, tile & grout, stone, etc) to mid to high-end homeowners, mostly female. Our best clients are the one's who love to refer their friends to us (obviously) so I wanted to make that part of it.

Thank you,

Dusty

#feedback #headline

OutOfThisWord 12 years ago

Dustmoney...

...what EMOTIONS do your clients express when referring a friend to you?

Speak to those emotions.

Have you EVER heard of one of your clients talk about 'a floor care experience'?
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 2 replies
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- SMSWriter 12 years ago
  
  Personally, the first one did it for me. It was more specific. The second one left me thinking, "Brag about to whom?"
  
  I think that the reader will get an instant mental picture of their best girl or guy friend walking into their home and commenting on the work your company did. That's the image I think works most in your favor.
  
  IMHO.
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
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- getdusty 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by OutOfThisWord
  
  Have you EVER heard of one of your clients talk about 'a floor care experience'?
  
  Well, not really...
  
  We mostly hear that we are really nice, the floors looked great, and our prices are very reasonable. I'm trying to move away from that last one though.
  
  I think the word "experience" is a little silly, but I can't think of a better way to sum it all up. I would love some ideas...
  
  Thanks
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  SMSWriter 12 years ago
  
  What about "a floor care service" that they'd rave about? It is after all a service, right?
  
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erichammer 12 years ago

I'd try to focus instead on the feelings that people have about their floors being sparkly clean instead of focusing on the service. I'm trying to think of something off the top of my head, but nothing comes to mind. Bottom line though, people want to be sold based on what they feel -- either a need or a desire.

So for example, you may want to play on the idea of them feeling good about their floors when their friends see them (which is probably why the first version resonates a bit more, though I think there is a stronger way to say it than "floor cleaning service"). That's a feeling they can latch onto rather than an abstract concept of a "service."

Just my 2 cents of course...
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- OutOfThisWord 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by erichammer
  
  I'd try to focus instead on the feelings that people have about their floors being sparkly clean instead of focusing on the service.
  
  And this is what copywriting is.
  
  Thanks
  
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  Mark Andrews Banned 12 years ago
  
  [DELETED]
  
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  Hugh Thyer 12 years ago
  
  Mark, don't forget it's a FREE forum. People should pay for premium content like this.
  
  My suggestion?
  
  Get anything you can get your hands on from Joe Polish.
  
  [ 2 ] Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  Ever wondered how copywriters work with their clients? I've answered that very question in detail-> www.salescomefirst.com
  
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  Mark Andrews Banned 12 years ago
  
  I know Hugh but I would expect a degree of good manners and if he wants to use one of these, it would be good of him to contact me via email to ask about using one or more of them in exchange for a fee.
  
  Just made them up on the spot. You know what it's like after putting in years of copywriting practice at the sharp end, in the trenches as we are - you can come up with large numbers of headlines very quickly indeed. But yes...
  
  ...just because we can do this quickly doesn't mean the headlines are cheap. Any one of these could really boost his conversion rate and subsequently his business profits.
  
  Hopefully... rather than just being on the take as many newbies here are, he'll actually contact me if he wants to use one of these headlines posted above.
  
  I'm not going to hold my breath though. You know what the majority of them are like these days.
  
  Top of the day to you Hugh, good to see you here again.
  
  Kindest regards,
  
  Mark Andrews
  
  Thanks
  
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getdusty 12 years ago

Mark,

I really appreciate the fact that you took the time to write all those headlines for me, so i first want to thank you for that.

I also got your PM about paying to use them, but I'm not really sure how to respond to that without sounding rude... I would be happy to pay a fee if I liked one of them, but I just don't think they're very good. Sorry.

Hopefully that doesn't put me in the "here to take/newbie" box.

Best,

Dusty
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- 1 reply
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- Mark Andrews Banned 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by getdusty
  
  Mark,
  
  ...but I just don't think they're very good. Sorry.
  
  Best,
  
  Dusty
  
  Please yourself. One or two others thought several of them were brilliant. Short, concise and to the point with a laser like focus on your strongest benefit.
  
  Given your own personal attempt above (which are both absolutely mind bogglingly awful) it doesn't surprise me you wouldn't know what a very good main headline was (or it's true worth) if it poked you straight in the eye.
  
  Nevermind - I'll delete them then. It's no skin off my nose.
  
  Mark Andrews
  
  Thanks
  
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getdusty

12 years ago

Mark,

I didn't mean to insult you, or your writing. I'm not a copywriter, but I came to this forum, obviously asking for help with my headline, and you were very helpful by giving me a few ideas. We're good up to that point...

But then you go in for the kill and PM letting me know that I should pay you for those ideas. Then, you openly assumed that I had no manners if I didn't pay you for them, and I'm probably just another newbie here to take. Completely unnecessary.

Here's my give: Your headlines were cheesy, fill in the blank, Headline 101 garbage. "They laughed when I told them my carpet cleaning was good for their health" - c'mon, really??

Anyway, I'll let you get back to spamming "newbies" with demands to pay for bad headlines, and getting in arguments with them just because they didn't like your stuff.

Thanks
1 reply

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Mark Andrews

Banned 12 years ago

Originally Posted by getdusty

Mark,

I didn't mean to insult you, or your writing. I'm not a copywriter, but I came to this forum, obviously asking for help with my headline, and you were very helpful by giving me a few ideas. We're good up to that point...

But then you go in for the kill and PM letting me know that I should pay you for those ideas. Then, you openly assumed that I had no manners if I didn't pay you for them, and I'm probably just another newbie here to take. Completely unnecessary.

Here's my give: Your headlines were cheesy, fill in the blank, Headline 101 garbage. "They laughed when I told them my carpet cleaning was good for their health" - c'mon, really??

Anyway, I'll let you get back to spamming "newbies" with demands to pay for bad headlines, and getting in arguments with them just because they didn't like your stuff.

The PM I sent to you was simply this...

04-12-2012, 07:53 PM Mark Andrews
SmokingHotCopy@gmail.com
War Room Member

Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: In Somebody Else's Shoes
Posts: 1,423
Thanks: 1,273
Thanked 1,077 Times in 595 Posts
Contact Info

If you want to use...
...one of my carpet / floor cleaning headlines, get in touch with me at...

SmokingHotCopy@gmail.com

And we can discuss a fee for it's use.

Headline feedback, please

Warmest regards,

Mark Andrews

*****

I wouldn't call that, 'going in for the kill'.

All I was trying to do was to be helpful to you. Spent a good 30 minutes of my time quickly researching your niche, writing 10 headlines for your business, posted them up... two other copywriters, top of their game copywriters thought they were excellent suggestions and what do you do?

Come back with a barrage of insults.

I know one or two people can be a little ungrateful at times for help rendered to them but your comments - you're bang out of order.

You came here asking for help, nothing in it for anyone else, advice which could only benefit you, given out of a spirit of kindness to help another business person and what do you do?

Bite the hand that feeds you.

You're in a class of your own - you really are.

You don't deserve any help from anyone on this forum with your disgusting attitude.

Mark Andrews

Thanks

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boostmg 12 years ago

a little wordy IMO
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- 1 reply
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- valuecreator 12 years ago
  
  hey dusty,
  
  Not bad. Don't let the haters suck your energy!
  
  you should test:
  
  You'll brag about it... or it's free!
  
  cheers
  
  seb
  
  Thanks
  
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Ken Hoffman 12 years ago

Do you want something you like, or something that works? That's really the first question to ask yourself. I think perhaps you don't like the "cheesy" headlines because they are direct marketing headlines, rather than low-key B2B headlines for a service business, which you are, right?

Focus on articulating the guarantee in the headline. That's the most compelling part of what you have so far. The rest is objective fluff, unless you use a testimonial from a customer as your headline, "My floors looked better than ever..."

Floors So Clean You Could Eat Off Them...Or Else You Don't Pay!

Or this one which is definitely more "slogan-like" and selects your target prospects more narrowly.

Upscale Floor Cleaning Service Exclusively For Female Homeowners
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Headline feedback, please

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