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Sales Letter Critique, Please.

by ARSuarez
5 replies
Heil All,

I am preparing launch an information product, and recently revised my sales letter (entirley). The .pdf is attached to this message.

I really appreciate all honest critiques.

Regards,

Angel
#critique #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Christie Love
    Hi Angel,

    A few things stand out to me.

    1. State who you are talking to.
    2. Edit the formatting. It's difficult to distinguish the header from the sub-header and so on.
    3. What copywriting format are you using? I.e. Promise, Reason, Story, etc? Your copy does not look as though it has a clear format.

    There are many other things I'm sure others will comment on, but one thing that will help you is to read the copy out loud. Make sure it flows as if you were excitedly telling a friend about your amazing product.

    I also see many grammatical errors you should correct.

    Is this one of your first attempts at writing a sales letter? Are you looking to become a copywriter? I only ask because, if you need further help then I'm sure I can lead you in the right direction.
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Hey Christie,

      This is not my very first - I have written other drafts. With regards to grammar, I had really just breezed through, getting my thoughts recorded. However, I finally jumped on it.

      Yes, I am looking to begin working in copywriting. At current, I do marketing consultation for businesses. It would be a huge boon to write copy (especially since it would give me a reason to raise my fee). Plus, I have always been a "writer," so I am naturally fascinated.

      Any help would be appreciated; thank you.

      Regards,

      Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    You should give a bit more detail as to what you are getting in the order form, just to build the value again as they swipe their card out - and to get those who go straight to your order form intrigued enough to read the sales letter.

    You should stick in a Q&A sheet as well for handling objections (and adding another piece to the mailer).

    Colm
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    This looks like a direct mail letter. Unless the recipients
    know you I wouldn't bother to mail it. I think you have
    the wrong appeal in the headline and first paragraphs.

    Your tone is more enthusiastic than appropriate and you
    are selling a not-cheap product. In this case I would sincerely
    recommend you bring out facts and figures to prove
    the necessity of having your information early on. You
    lost me quickly with this one.
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    • Profile picture of the author TimSchaefer
      The overall tone is very berating to your reader, from your headline on down.

      "Finally! A Golden Resource To
      Help You Avoid Ever Making
      Another Business Management
      Error... And Outlive Your
      Competition!"
      "Gee, first my wife and now YOU, a total stranger, reminding me of my mistakes and how hard I've got it just to make a living in this industry... #&*^ you, pal."

      Where you start talking about "other" business owners making mistakes, not preparing, being lazy and epitomizing what it means to be insane... well... in the reader's mind, you're still talking about them.

      Refocus.

      One option is to start with benefits to your services and what they'll get, introduce yourself, and then be very clear about the "other guys" who aren't as dedicated or as sharp as your reader. Make that distinction.

      Tone down your enthusiasm and be more conversational. Make it more personable and less like a pitch.

      I'm also not completely sure who your market is. Who are they? What have they been exposed to?

      If you're targeting every day brick and mortar shops, chances are they're not all that familiar with online marketing. In some places, it sounds like you're targeting people who consume biz op offers (which generally means they don't really have a business after all).

      Again, I don't know your list, but if they've never heard from you before, I wouldn't be trying to sell a $175 report.

      I'd try to get them to claim a free report, or a low-priced book or something to get them into the funnel.

      Tim
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      Tim Schaefer - Direct Response Copywriter
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