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Ewen/Collette -- Is This Better?

by Keep Trying
17 replies
Hi Ewen and Collette.

I've followed your advice of selecting a target audience from our previous discussion about a month ago: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ales-page.html

I selected college students.

I think the reason I avoided doing this last year was because writing to this audience (18-22) made me feel old (I'm 26).

Anyway, I've taken your advice, and revised this sales page from the feedback I got here: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...es-letter.html

Here are the respective sales copies:
Sales Copy 3/31/2012
Sales Copy 4/23/2012

I've worked on trying to improve my last sales copy during last week and over the weekend. This is what I have so far as of today 4/30/2012: How To Focus Better

Can either of you guys take a look at it when you have time and let me know what you think of it this time?

And, if anyone else would like to provide feedback, I would appreciate it too.

Thank you.
#ewen or collette
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Now we've got something to sink our teeth into!

    You've got an audience.

    You've got a high probability burning desire within them.

    So tell us what that desire is they want to achieve?

    Best,
    Ewen

    P.S. I could of told you here, but you are having to work for it
    so the lesson sticks.
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    • Profile picture of the author videolover7
      How To Automatically Focus On Anything You Want And Have Complete Control Of Your Life - Guaranteed!
      The headline defies believability.

      VL


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      • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
        Originally Posted by videolover7 View Post

        The headline defies believability.

        VL

        And that is exactly why it works.

        Similar headlines have sold 10's of $millions of self improvement books and courses.

        The key to the success?

        Is the word "Guaranteed"

        If it doesn't work - you get your money back.

        So there is no risk - and the "promise" is exactly what the readers want to see.


        Steve
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        • Profile picture of the author videolover7
          Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

          And that is exactly why it works.

          Similar headlines have sold 10's of of self improvement books and courses.

          The key to the success?

          Is the word "Guaranteed"

          If it doesn't work - you get your money back.

          So there is no risk - and the "promise" is exactly what the readers want to see.


          Steve
          It's a false promise.

          Considering how closely the FTC watches things, it seems risky to me.

          But hey, it's not my neck.

          VL
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          • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
            Originally Posted by videolover7 View Post

            It's a false promise.

            Considering how closely the FTC watches things, it seems risky to me.

            But hey, it's not my neck.

            VL

            It's a self improvement guide not a medical cure.

            That's been made clear in the copy.

            If you do have focus it follows that you will have complete control.

            I think on previous posts we mentioned it is always safer to put whatever disclaimers may be necessary.

            And it turns out that the OP is using a different headline targeting a specific audience.


            Steve
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            • Profile picture of the author videolover7
              Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter View Post

              It's a self improvement guide not a medical cure.

              That's been made clear in the copy.

              If you do have focus it follows that you will have complete control.

              I think on previous posts we mentioned it is always safer to put whatever disclaimers may be necessary.

              And it turns out that the OP is using a different headline targeting a specific audience.


              Steve
              "Have Complete Control Of Your Life"

              Nah.

              C'mon Steve. You've been around long enough to know that's baloney.

              A false claim is a false claim.

              VL
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              • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
                Originally Posted by videolover7 View Post

                "Have Complete Control Of Your Life"

                Nah.

                C'mon Steve. You've been around long enough to know that's baloney.

                A false claim is a false claim.

                VL

                Now try and calm down. (lol)

                We're only talking about advertising. And I hope it's not just me - but I've noticed quite a few "big promises" in Ads over all the years.

                All I can say is - as I said before -

                If you have focus on anything you want - would it not be fair to say you would have complete control of your life?

                And if I bought "Keep Tryings" eBook and I didn't achieve this. Because it has a "guarantee"

                I get my money back.

                And again - he isn't using that headline.


                Steve


                P.S. I mentioned in a previous post - the headline that you are so upset about is a Gene Schwartz style headline. He sold zillions of books.

                Gene wrote dozens of amazing headlines - one of his most famous was "Burn Disease Out Of Your Body...(subhead) - lying flat on your back, using nothing more than the palm of your hand"

                "Keep Tryings" headline is relatively mild compare to that one.

                Anyway...

                Many people like you screamed "That is a false claim!"

                Gene believed the techniques in the book were true. And went to court.

                This might not be completely accurate - but the courts ruled you can make any claim you like if the product is a book.


                BTW (part 1) - Pick up any newspaper or magazine and read the ads. Watch some commercials on TV.

                You'll be spending the rest of eternity writing "complaint" letters.

                In essence successful advertisers tell their target audience what they most want to hear.

                If they don't - sales plummet.

                But if they go completely over the edge - then yes the Ads are pulled by the regulators.


                BTW (Part 2)

                Have a look at this post - http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...erbs-hide.html

                Check out thread 6 - when you were raving (quite rightly) about John Carlton's power verbs.

                In your view - do you feel there might just be the possibility of your supposed "false claims" in those?

                I thought you might have gone berserk when you read "obliterating obstacles and creating success where before there was only chaos and questions"

                And ballistic when you saw "an automatic feeding frenzy of profit"

                Fortunately you liked them - so I think we can agree that "Keep Trying" could happily use the headline without any more fuss.
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  • Profile picture of the author Cyberdog1
    Yeh I have tried that few times and guaranteed is definitely the best word to use to get that guaranteed bit of business!
    Signature
    Most think that it was God who created man in his own image but it was us who created God in ours.
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  • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
    Originally Posted by Keep Trying View Post

    i

    And, if anyone else would like to provide feedback, I would appreciate it too.

    Thank you.
    Keep Trying,

    I'm going to share with you a story that probably will become your new headline (or at the very least, a solid hook for you):

    Since I failed my first accounting midterm, and I had ace the rest of my tests because I wouldn't be allowed to get into the accounting program at USC if I didn't get at least a B in the course.

    So what did I do?

    I f-ing studied, and studied.

    The night before the final my room mate comes in and asks to borrow my notes. Lets call him "Jimmy".

    Mind you, I'm the one who failed the first midterm (although, that had more to do with being in frat at the time and so hungover I was still drunk in the morning. I miss college).

    Anyway, Jimmy NEVER went to class. NEVER. Not even once. Well, except for the midterms.

    Why?

    Because he didn't have to. He was that good...

    ... still is today as a major player in high stakes billion dollar hedge funds.

    Anyway, I managed to pass the class and asked Jimmy how he did.

    "Thanks to your notes, I passed too". Which was bs answer. Of course he passed!

    I wanted to know how he did. Yet, he wouldn't tell me. But our TA did.

    He set the curve.

    In a class of 600+ pre-business students, Jimmy was TOP DOG...

    ...because when the gun was to his head, he could laser focus. He could cram a whole semester of complex accounting during Jay Leno, with smoke breaks during commercials.

    And more importantly, he could apply theory into practice.

    What does this have to do with your sales page?

    EVERYTHING!

    College is ALL about parties, p*****, and passing tests. And too many young kids focus on the first two, and cram like crazy at the end for #3.

    I remember having cram study sessions with people I hated because it's all about #3.

    So tap into the zeitgeist of finals!

    Share your "Jimmy" story.

    Dig deep into your well and bring up something to drink that quenches the thirst of a student who needs to learn an entire semester of content in less than 3 hours and somehow manage to remember it in the morning.

    Looking over your copy, it has NONE of the emotional attributes associated with finals: anxiety, overwhelmed, and panic.

    There are of course several other issues with your copy, with the foremost being credibility. And having testimonials would help too. Plus, you have too many "I"'s.

    I'd also seriously ask yourself if there is demand for this. Most kids want to take a pill or drink a coffee or meditate to get focused.

    You may find high school parents a good mark to teach this stuff to their kids and have a backend with local docs where you could get a cut for each kid that comes into their practice via a lead gen from you.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      You gave it to him without him having to think through
      and reach the same conclusion.

      Just hope "Keep Trying" appreciates your story
      because you nailed it!

      Best,
      Ewen

      Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post

      Keep Trying,

      I'm going to share with you a story that probably will become your new headline (or at the very least, a solid hook for you):

      Since I failed my first accounting midterm, and I had ace the rest of my tests because I wouldn't be allowed to get into the accounting program at USC if I didn't get at least a B in the course.

      So what did I do?

      I f-ing studied, and studied.

      The night before the final my room mate comes in and asks to borrow my notes. Lets call him "Jimmy".

      Mind you, I'm the one who failed the first midterm (although, that had more to do with being in frat at the time and so hungover I was still drunk in the morning. I miss college).

      Anyway, Jimmy NEVER went to class. NEVER. Not even once. Well, except for the midterms.

      Why?

      Because he didn't have to. He was that good...

      ... still is today as a major player in high stakes billion dollar hedge funds.

      Anyway, I managed to pass the class and asked Jimmy how he did.

      "Thanks to your notes, I passed too". Which was bs answer. Of course he passed!

      I wanted to know how he did. Yet, he wouldn't tell me. But our TA did.

      He set the curve.

      In a class of 600+ pre-business students, Jimmy was TOP DOG...

      ...because when the gun was to his head, he could laser focus. He could cram a whole semester of complex accounting during Jay Leno, with smoke breaks during commercials.

      And more importantly, he could apply theory into practice.

      What does this have to do with your sales page?

      EVERYTHING!

      College is ALL about parties, p*****, and passing tests. And too many young kids focus on the first two, and cram like crazy at the end for #3.

      I remember having cram study sessions with people I hated because it's all about #3.

      So tap into the zeitgeist of finals!

      Share your "Jimmy" story.

      Dig deep into your well and bring up something to drink that quenches the thirst of a student who needs to learn an entire semester of content in less than 3 hours and somehow manage to remember it in the morning.

      Looking over your copy, it has NONE of the emotional attributes associated with finals: anxiety, overwhelmed, and panic.

      There are of course several other issues with your copy, with the foremost being credibility. And having testimonials would help too. Plus, you have too many "I"'s.

      I'd also seriously ask yourself if there is demand for this. Most kids want to take a pill or drink a coffee or meditate to get focused.

      You may find high school parents a good mark to teach this stuff to their kids and have a backend with local docs where you could get a cut for each kid that comes into their practice via a lead gen from you.
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      • Profile picture of the author copyassassin
        Ewen,

        Thx!

        True story as well. "Jimmy" had his choice of law, medicine, finance. BILLION dollar deals won out.

        BTW, those hedge fund guys make the MMO guys look like little sissy girls. They really know how to sell a story and live the "IM Lifestyle". That is if they don't go to jail, die of a heart attack, or some other bad thing happening to them.

        I miss college so much. If I weren't married, I'd go to law school or get an MBA just to have some more fun times.

        Now when I pull an "all-nighter", it's because my son isn't feeling well.

        Adam

        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        You gave it to him without him having to think through
        and reach the same conclusion.

        Just hope "Keep Trying" appreciates your story
        because you nailed it!

        Best,
        Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author videolover7
          Good points Steve.

          And don't worry... I wasn't upset in the least.

          Funny thing is, the "automatic focus" thing seemed like a better hook to me. Hopefully he's using it powerfully in the new headline.

          Thanks.

          VL
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          • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
            Originally Posted by videolover7 View Post

            Good points Steve.

            And don't worry... I wasn't upset in the least.

            Funny thing is, the "automatic focus" thing seemed like a better hook to me. Hopefully he's using it powerfully in the new headline.

            Thanks.

            VL

            Video,

            I'm glad you took everything in good humor.

            You know I never, ever intend to upset anyone.

            We're all in the wonderful world of copywriting together.

            It's been fun swapping ideas.

            It's what the forum is all about.

            Steve


            P.S. I totally agree with you about the hook.
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            • Profile picture of the author Keep Trying
              Hi Adam,

              Your story also reminds me of my friend. Let's call him "Sammy." Sammy was an electrical engineering major. He never went to class. He drank, socialized a lot in the dorms, and always crammed the night before the exam, fitting an entire quarter's worth of knowledge into a few hours. One day, after his midterm exam, I asked him, "How did you do?" He looked at me, smiled, and replied, "95%" and went on drinking.

              This was his story.

              The only thing is I was never like "Sammy" or your friend, "Jimmy." I don't have a story remotely close to them.

              You went to USC.
              I went to UCR.

              I was only an average student who graduated in 4 years with a 3.0 GPA.

              And, if anyone heard "my" story, they probably wouldn't buy my product.

              This is sort of the issue I'm having right now.

              What can I do?

              I thought of a few things, and one of them was using the damaging admissions approach. Do you think it can work in replacement?

              For example:

              "Alright. I'm going to be honest with you. I admit I wasn't a top student in college. I didn't go to USC and graduate with a 4.0 GPA, but I did pass college in 4 years and get my B.A. And during those times, I learned a lot about how to focus better for my exams. This is the guide I created..."

              That was just from the top of my head. Do you think something like this could work?

              In other words, will 100% honest copy work?

              Anyway, I need to go to class now.

              Let me know your thoughts.

              Thanks.

              P.S. I'm assuming your second "p" word wasn't party...?
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Originally Posted by copyassassin View Post


          Now when I pull an "all-nighter", it's because my son isn't feeling well.

          Adam
          Very funny Adam!

          Best,
          Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author markpocock
    Your headline is abstract. Add specificity to it.

    Add a proof element to your headline. Otherwise
    the prospect thinks BS.

    Your headline is too generic. The prospect has seen
    your promise before.

    So phrase your benefit in a way it's never been phrased before.

    Get rid of the word "Learn". That implies work.

    You ask too many questions in your intro - 7 in all.
    You're stopping the reader from reading. You're making
    them stop and think. What if you get a No or a maybe....
    You've lost them.

    You say; I Know How You Feel

    No you don't. You think you know how the
    prospect feels. So just go into your story

    Some of your bullets are too wordy. And they
    don't have a "WTF is the answer to that" reaction
    when you read them.

    have fun

    Mark
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