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Want to See What $500 Will Buy ya? Look at My Crap Copy & Drop a Desperate Fella a Line :)

by mdunn123
18 replies
Hi there copy writing warriors...

In the past week, I have grown a new and even more immense appreciation for the skills and abilities that a skilled and experienced copy writer can bring to the table...my hats off to you guys and gals out there!

Anyway...

That brings me around to a little background information on how such a crappy copy has brought me out of this world conversions of 0.00%!! Yep...that's right...THREE Zeros Baby!

And the best of it is...

I didn't write it myself

I actually hired out the work for $500 to a "raved" about writer on Elance, and tried to follow Vin Montello's advice as close as possible. Now I wish I had moved far more funds over to the sales copy instead of everything else.

After going for broke, and putting everything out on the line with this project (development and other wired hired was very costly), I'm down to my last couple hundred dollars in available funds. So hiring out someone like Vin would just not be possible....not to mention his booked schedule...and of course other top copywriters would pose the same issues.

So options am I left with here today?

Doing it myself with as much input and help from the pros (that's you) as possible, and not the "pro" that I hired out initially who obviously missed the mark....by a long shot.

So for the first time ever...on the Warrior forum I am going to reveal the project I sorta had under wraps for a while. I have decided against recruiting affiliates at the moment or even letting affiliates from clickbank promote my product. I just can't ethically do that to them, when I know the sales copy doesn't convert worth a damn, and my affiliate center is just about done, and will be nothing like what anyone has experienced before...with HUGE commissions to boot.

So are you ready for the horror that is my sales copy?? The sales copy that doesn't sell, doesn't make sense (in some parts) and has totally missed the mark...

Ok boys and girls....tear it apart....and experience that which is my sales copy

MUCH...MUCH...MUCH Thanks in advance towards anyone who can help!!!!!

Mike

P.S. Traffic sources aren't exactly the biggest problem at the moment and range from PPC ads, to articles, blogs, organic traffic, forums, referrals, email lists. A good portion of the traffic is top notch, and some of it is rather broad.

P.P.S I've already been asked about the price (not by customers, but by other IM buddies), and I do want to keep it there at $97 for right now. After dwelling in this market for some time I'm very confident that the price isn't anywhere near the problem. The value of the service and product is immense when compared to anything else out there, and compared to what these people are spending on all their efforts, this is a drop in the bucket in relation. So I would like to run with this price for a bit longer unless other concrete evidence shows otherwise (towards needing a price drop).
#$500 #buy #copy #crap #desperate #drop #fella #line
  • Profile picture of the author Joshua N. Rabon
    Yes the headline, opening, bullets and choice of subheads are horrible. The body copy isn't that bad but without a persuasive structure it's meaningless.

    The pain of the problem needs to be intensified

    They need to know and feel it's not their fault

    No real price justification

    With that little bit said about the copy, I want to focus on the offer and the feel of the site and the bonuses.

    By calling yourself a center you need to offer more than one thing. You need more credibility boosting graphics and resource links. But of course links on a sales page is a big no-no. Basically what I'm saying is using "center" for a salesletter instantly hurts your credibility with a lot of people. If you're a center you need to act like one.

    $97 friggin dollars. I don't know anything about this niche, but that seems a bit high. If the personalized help is suppose to justify the price, right off the top of my head I have to say "I don't think so". And I buy $97+ books.

    Even with copy good enough to sell it at $97, it seems to me it would be more cost effective to not incur the cost of the team and charge less. I could be wrong.

    If the team your talking about is just a forum, then the current copy is misleading and you should definitely lower your price.

    If you're pricing is based on what people spend on expensive non-alternative solutions, you need to thoroughly make the price insignificant.

    Even with good to great copy you'll lose sales because it's not really a "center" and calling your site one makes you seem like a liar straight off the bat. So change the name or make it a real "center" and set up multiple places to capture emails through out the site.

    Bonuses increase sales by taking the transformation promised by the main product to the next level or by giving a ton of value. I don't think your choice of bonuses really do either very effectively or dramatically. A better use of your bonuses would be as freebie to get opt-ins, content to justify you calling this a center and as surprise stick(loyalty) bonuses.

    Keep bonuses 3 & 4 (but with more and better copy)
    Re-purpose the rest

    Hope this helps
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    • Profile picture of the author ecoverartist
      Oh dear...
      I can't even get the site to load!

      You spent $500 on this?
      Most likely causes:
      • You are not connected to the Internet.
      • The website is encountering problems.
      • There might be a typing error in the address.
      Hehehe Just kidding! Let us know when it's back online!
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      • Profile picture of the author mdunn123
        Erased! Thanks!
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        • Profile picture of the author dorothydot
          Worked for me.

          First, your site is visually web-visitor friendly. The right fonts. Not too cluttered. Colorful. Short paragraphs.

          But you are right. Lowsy copy. Really bad.

          This topic needs, imho, a woman's touch. It's usually the woman who wants children the most desperately of the couple - though of course the man obviously cares, too!

          I would strongly recommend a Velvet Cord - Vin Montello kind of approach. The pain of needing a child is ver-ry intense for most women. Do NOT treat this lightly!

          I would approach it by using a third-person story, a scenario about, say, Mary and Joe. They want a child, cannot carry one to birth, have endured several miscarriages [the trauma of even one miscarriage for a woman is unbelievably deep] and so on. How their marriage was affected, what Mary and Joe tried before, then - miracle! - here comes your website!

          Melissa's story is good, but not personal enough - for obvious reasons! I'd consider making her explanation/story a sidebar - your site sadly lacks one anyway. And give it a different slant; make her out to be an expert whose own experience drove her to using her superior expertise and knowledge to develop this method.

          And I concur with calling your method a "center". Need to be able to document and credentialize such a claim. Better far to establish Melissa's expertise and development techniques.

          Hope this helps,
          Dot
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          • Profile picture of the author MikeHumphreys
            Mike,

            I have to be honest. There's A LOT wrong with this sales letter. The best way to handle this would probably be writing a new sales letter from scratch.

            That said, here are two other options:

            1) Hire a top-quality copywriter to do a critique of your sales letter. A video critique would probably be more helpful for your needs.

            2) Rewrite/write it yourself. You could probably use Dan Kennedy's Ultimate Sales Letter book (about $10-15) and just write your sales letter as you read the book chapter by chapter.

            That would give you a decent sales letter with all of normal structures in the order that they should be. It would take you longer but at least you'd stick within your remaining budget and learn how to write a basic sales letter yourself -- a good skill for every marketer to have.

            It definitely needs to come from a female's voice, preferably someone who used to deal with infertility issues themselves. Or an infertility doctor as a distant second.

            You could probably interview someone who has gone through this experience and get a lot of ideas for your sales letter that way... what to say... HOW to say it... and so on.

            $97 is a drop in the bucket for infertility help. Some couples will drop $10K for one procedure just to try to conceive.

            Good luck,

            Mike
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            • Profile picture of the author pmore
              First thing I noticed was that "too" was misspelled as "to" in the 2nd part of the headline.

              Another problem is the grammar and puntuation - the first part of the headline isn't even a complete thought.

              Also, most of the words are capitalized in the headline, but the very last part of the headline isn't.

              You should definitely rewrite it yourself if you can't get the original copywriter to redo it. There are so many problems in the headline alone. The rest of the copy I just scanned because it was so boring.

              Hope you can fix this!
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              • Profile picture of the author mdunn123
                Hey guys!

                I just wanted to let everyone know that I am indeed here, and reading through everything in details and paying close attention to all the responses! I'm waiting to get more and more responses before I write a long reponse back....but

                This is all great guys! Thank you! I need an honest and professional point of view on everything. I had a strong feeling that it was indeed all dreadful just based on its performances. I wish I could get my $500 back

                Keep it comin guys!

                P.S. I'll be fillin everyone in on some more info here soon too.

                Mike
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                • Profile picture of the author Ryan_Taylor
                  Originally Posted by mdunn123 View Post

                  Hey guys!

                  I just wanted to let everyone know that I am indeed here, and reading through everything in details and paying close attention to all the responses! I'm waiting to get more and more responses before I write a long reponse back....but

                  This is all great guys! Thank you! I need an honest and professional point of view on everything. I had a strong feeling that it was indeed all dreadful just based on its performances. I wish I could get my $500 back

                  Keep it comin guys!

                  P.S. I'll be fillin everyone in on some more info here soon too.

                  Mike
                  Mike,

                  I'm no expert by any means, but I try to put myself in a 4th grade readers perspective when I look over copy. To be honest I couldn't get past the headline without having to re-read it.

                  Did you try to get a refund or ask him to put more time into carefully writing it? There's absolutely no excuse for paying for a service that doesn't deliver bar minimum expectations. Grammar and punctuation at the very least should be accurate.

                  Best of luck,

                  Ryan


                  Originally Posted by MikeHumphreys

                  You could probably use Dan Kennedy's Ultimate Sales Letter book (about $10-15) and just write your sales letter as you read the book chapter by chapter.
                  Thanks for the tip, Mike! Just went ahead and got myself a copy.
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                  • Profile picture of the author mdunn123
                    Originally Posted by Ryan_Taylor View Post

                    Mike,

                    I'm no expert by any means, but I try to put myself in a 4th grade readers perspective when I look over copy. To be honest I couldn't get past the headline without having to re-read it.

                    Did you try to get a refund or ask him to put more time into carefully writing it? There's absolutely no excuse for paying for a service that doesn't deliver bar minimum expectations. Grammar and punctuation at the very least should be accurate.

                    Best of luck,

                    Ryan




                    Thanks for the tip, Mike! Just went ahead and got myself a copy.

                    Thanks for the response Ryan!

                    Trust me when I say I've thought about a refund and talked to Elance about it. Let's just say I have my hands tied for so many stupid Elance TOS that it's not even funny. Even though I've spent well over $15,000 using Elance over the years.

                    The sad part is that this was a rewrite of her final draft as the first copy was even worse....if that's even possible. I thought if I can't get my money back, and this is all I have at the moment then I would at least give it a shot. Obviously now you guys can see how not even ONE sale could come from it, and the quality and the quantity of traffic was not the problem.

                    Mike

                    P.S. I have decided that this is just far too important of an issue to just quickly take care of, and if I end up making the same mistake again...I have a feeling that you guys, and especially guys like Vin Montello would have a field day about it...and rightfully so. So I have increased my funding from a couple hundred left over from all the initial investment capital, to A LOT more then that....thank you instant approval credit cards!!

                    It's just too damn important to hire just anyone old chap off elance for a cheap bargain price of $500 (you get what you pay for), or to attempt it myself (again, you get what you pay for...I'm NOT a copy writer).
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                    • Profile picture of the author mdunn123
                      Oh and I fixing the headline now just in case someone poor old visitor decides to read any further
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                      • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
                        I wouldn't worry too much about a refund; copy rates vary, but I'm thinking that's what a $500 sales letter ought to look like...

                        ...I think the structure is lacking, and there's not really any introduction as to who this Melissa lady is; it's probably better writing it from her pen - (My name's Melissa, all the doctors said I was infertile, two children later and I'm pregnant again! Here's my story...)

                        And what's with the header? Is it meant to be like a newspaper quote or something? I don't get it. I think you should put this in or around the headline area - Become pregnant for less than the price of a health pro consultation (or whatever) - as has already been mentioned, treatment costs a lot and takes time so "Instant" (and cheap) conception is your big benefit.

                        The bullets are very weak too; not much oomph to them at all.

                        It's funny because when I read the copy there are glimpses in some sentences and paragraphs that suggest your copywriter knew what they were doing; overall though pretty shoddy.

                        What I would also suggest though is having a look at the marketing, because maternal woman are driven I'm sure, and if they've tried everything else should be pretty desperate; so although the copy is no good, I would still expect it to convert at some sort of rate.

                        Colm
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                • Profile picture of the author nobodyspecial
                  Delete all the copy (including headline before)

                  'Drastically Increase Your Chances Of Getting Pregnant With Breakthrough Fertility Alternatives'

                  You'll instantly do much better targeting the prospect's issues.
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                  • Profile picture of the author Tony M.
                    This post from nobodyspecial is exactly what i was going to write... everything above that subheader is fluff (and much likely hurts your conversion rate)
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                    • Profile picture of the author projectpayday777
                      What can I add? Grammar, punctuation, incomplete sentences, mindless adjectives - you name it.

                      I'd happily help you out at half that price!
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                      • Profile picture of the author Sarah Harvey
                        To be honest if I could not conceive I would not buy the product.

                        It isn't the copy writing that is bad. It's how the whole page is presented and the ebook cover etc.

                        The colors are all wrong too.

                        Split-test your colors, headlines etc. That is only way you will know what works and what doesn't.
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                        • Profile picture of the author mdunn123
                          Originally Posted by Sarah Harvey View Post

                          To be honest if I could not conceive I would not buy the product.

                          It isn't the copy writing that is bad. It's how the whole page is presented and the ebook cover etc.

                          The colors are all wrong too.

                          Split-test your colors, headlines etc. That is only way you will know what works and what doesn't.
                          Thanks for your comment Sarah! You're not the only one that wouldn't buy this product!!

                          According to my analytics there are well over a 1,000 people out there that think the same way!

                          Trust me....I'm already hard at work and getting in contact with the right people to get this fixed and done right this time!

                          Mike
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                          • Profile picture of the author AndrewCavanagh
                            Actually for $500 you got a good sales letter.

                            You would be a cheap scumbag if you tried to get a refund.

                            This is waaay beyond the standard you would expect for $500.

                            Having said that I think the biggest problem with the copy is it just isn't targeted properly to the people most likely to buy your product...women.

                            And this is a VERY personal problem yet there's no personal touch at all to the copy (which is most likely YOUR fault not the copywriters for not giving him something specific to work with).

                            I'd be inclined to rewrite the main part of the copy as a story from just one of the people you have testimonials from.

                            Include a photo of the couple with their new baby (that's a no-brainer for your copy and ALL your testimonials).

                            Tie in the headline:

                            The Amazing Secret Of An Ohio Couple Who Finally Had A Healthy Bouncing Baby Boy After 6 Years Being Unable To Conceive


                            And start inside the story.

                            The opening paragraph in this copy is really awful.

                            But all in all I don't think the copywriter did a terrible job.

                            You went cheap and got a good job relative to the price you paid.

                            Generally speaking copy that converts well starts in the $2,000-$5,000 range.

                            Kindest regards,
                            Andrew Cavanagh
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                            • Profile picture of the author andrethomas
                              I find the headline too long and wordy. There is no punch or any substance to it. Split test this:

                              "How a doctor-declared infertile couple finally conceive 2 babies"

                              with a subhead of

                              "Discover how you can do the same today"
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