Bravely requesting Sales Page critique

You've got no headline to speak of. The site looks amateurish as does the ecover for the book.

There are some decent copy nuggets in there though. Some of the stuff about what you've been through and done is actually good. Unfortunately, most people aren't going to see that stuff because they have no compelling reason to venture beyond the less than attractive layout. Do yourself a favor and spend 25 bucks on the Warriors For Hire board and get a minisite and ecover design.

Then get a compelling headline and tell your story from the heart. I really think you have something here. Now it's your job to develop it. And when you do you can bump the price up $15. Good luck.

It's no fun to mercilessly harangue someone who expects it.

We'd rather lie in wait eating our own young until an unsuspecting noob, emotionally attached to his pathetic copy, arrives. And then we pounce.

Darn it Steve... once again you ruined our fun. LOL

VL

"What to do if you're desperate" is the thread started by our Moderator Paul Myers -
http://www.warriorforum.com/main-int...desperate.html

"Heroic money"? I think you could get a much better title than that. And the ecover could be better too. My guy will do you a salespage, including a classy ecover, for $150.

I liked the story. But then it comes to a grinding halt after "So I invested months in finding ways folks can earn money fast. I wrote this book for people in a pinch - good people like you, who just need another gig to get them by. I'm confident these tips can help - I use 'em myself, and you can, too!".

You throw in a shot of one of the chapters. Why?

What are you trying to say here? Something like "You're broke...struggling...don't give up...there's plenty of ways to fight your way out of the corner".

Start again. Go back to the story. Turn the knife on the pain of being broke. How did you eat? What did you do to save money? How did you feel being broke?

But you need to sort out the hook. The Superman and "heroic" stuff could work. But really - that angle's been flogged to death.

If you at least come up with a better hook I'll help you flesh the rest of it out.

I'm very new at this, newer than you no doubt, so I approach criticism of others' efforts carefully. However, throughout my reading and studying one thing comes across loud and clear; make your first paragraph (or two or three) very "you-centric". That is, save the personal pronouns I, mine, me, we, ours and us for later on in your pitch. Talk about "you" and "yours" to really pull them into your story--then you can talk about yourself once you have them on the edge of their seat. Good luck!

Jerry

some of the guys here have given you a bash about your headline, so i would just add some pep to your p.s. which has been proven to be the next thing prospects chck after your headine. your p.s. had...

no guarantee which is a great way of taking the risk off those ordering from you

no testimonial which is agood way of lending credence to your product

the above two should help. infuse it in your copy. that is if you wiah to increase sales of course.

Regards

I'm seriously conflicted about this offer.

The people who need this book, don't have the money for this book. Not even $3.98.

These folks know exactly how much money they have to their name. To the penny. And it's probably cash in their pocket, rather than PayPal or credit cards.

Del Taco restaurant recently had a special. 29 cent tacos. These guys were there. They know exactly how much sh*tty food costs.

In California, $3.98 can buy you about 3 days of food if you only eat sh*tty food once a day and drink water.

This is how your market thinks when evaluating your offer.

These folks aren't looking for a job because that's hit and miss. They need "a sure thing" to bring in money today, not tomorrow.

These are the people who are not homeless, but next to homeless. Scraping by by the skin of their teeth. Not knowing where the next dollar is coming from.

----

You might, but many people don't know there are levels to financial desperation. Not knowing where to turn next. No apparent options.

Pick one level and target them.

----

That said, maybe if you positioned your copy and content as a surefire way to bring in fast cash today without selling your soul, you'd have a shot.

Good luck,

- Rick Duris

The site seems to come straight from the '90s and so does the cover...

The Line "Respond honorably as you do it: meet the threat with heroism."... what does that actually mean? And is it relevant to making money online?

"pleny of storiesof repossessed cars" - 2 typos in a row

The quote from the chapter 2 of your book, although it might be relevant in the book, it doesn't seem relevant to the flow of the salespage.
You are speaking of making money, then delivering on time, then book sections (?)

Personally I don't like the concept of the book, but it might sell.

You should test various price points to see which one sells better. And 3.98$ won't even cover your expenses.

You should add a way for people to optin to your list way up in the page.
Maybe a slider where you say something like "download the first 2 chapters of my book for free - insert your name and email to get it".
Then you need to have a good follow-up sequence to make people buy your product.

Thanks, folks. Here's what I heard you say, followed by my plan:

Product Itself / Target Audience:

• Problem with those who need it most can't afford it;
• There are levels of financial trouble: pick one and pitch to it;
• Position book as surefire way to bring in fast cash today without selling your soul.
• Godly money may be a good angle.
• Superman response has been done to death.

Site Design and Layout:

• Amateurish, out of the 90s;
• No compelling reason to read the material;
• Typos;
• Hire it out.

Book Cover:

• Amateurish, out of the 90s;
• Hire it out.

Headline:

• Effectively nonexistent;
• Nonspecific ("how much money?");
• Need to develop a compelling title.

My History Section:

• Some good nuggets, has potential but needs work;
• Saying I was on a short-term missionary project can turn people off;
• Loses people in transitions;
• Suggest speaking of reader for first paragraph or three, then of me.
• Speak of pain of being broke, how I ate, how I saved money, how it felt.

Testimonials:

• Need 'em!

Getting them on a list:

• Give opportunity to get on list in several places, and earlier on the page;
• Offer a couple of chapters free for email address;

Hyperbole:

• Flowery speech unclear (e.g., "respond honorably / meet threat with heroism")

Price:

• Offer money-back guarantee;
• Price too low; suggesting little value;
• Test various price points;
• Consider $15 or perhaps more.

Postscript:

• Many folks read the headline and the P.S. and skip the middle;
• Add pep to P.S.

My Response:


YOU DIDN"T TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVED MY COPY!!!

(OK, got that out of my system...)

Product Itself / Target Audience:



I share your concern about the "Illiterate? Write for free help!" nature of what I'm doing: I'm trying to help, but I'm also trying to make money off a guy who's broke: regardless of his physical ability to pay (vs. food, not to mention the logistics of not having a credit card), I don't want to make it worse for him. Example: should I offer him the book for free now and bill him later or in installments? Seems that instead of pulling him out of the financial quicksand I would be putting my foot on his head. At this point I'm considering referring the truly destitute to a preacher or upstanding community member to vouch for him, who could email me to say, "I think he'll put this to use - please give him a copy, and I'll shepherd him". I would just give them each a copy of the book with my blessing, and maybe ask for a donation in a month or two (or a year).

Site Design and Layout:


How I feel about finding typos in copy I submitted to you good people for comments.

I'm aghast to see those typos there. Please accept my sincere apologies.

I plan to hire this out once I get a bit more dough in - "Author, earn thyself" comes first. I sold two bars of felted soap today, for instance.

Book Cover:
That one was done pretty late at night and my emotional involvement in the project suggested it was good enough (I *do* like the 'bring it" look on the guy's face). I'll be looking at better covers and see how close I can come (I do a lot of PhotoShop/GIMP work, so I think I may be able to come closer to a good product if I have some good examples). Or I'll hire it out.

Headline:
I'll work on it. But when I was a teacher I often threw up my hands when folks asked how I motivated people: how *does* one write compelling headlines? I'll do my homework and see what I can find. On headlines, my grandfather was a newspaper owner and one day an employee decided to quit just as the fellow was typesetting "SHIRT SALE!" for a local menswear shop. You can imagine the reaction of the town when they saw the full page minus one letter.

My History Section:
I'll work on it. While I believe folks need to hear the message, this book was not intended to be an evangelistic tract. So I'll probably change "on the way back from a summer missionary trip" to "on the way back from doing some third-world medical work". It was an eye-opener, by the way, to visit where the average annual income was $200.

Testimonials:
I'll get 'em. The yellow boxes with snippets from the book were actually intended only to be placeholders: all I have right now is enthusiastic arm-waving from folks rather than printable reviews (they're pending), so I threw in some quotes instead of bogus testimonials or latin.

Getting them on a list:
I will certainly offer a chapter or two for free in exchange for their email address. Great way to offer a sample AND get a list!

Hyperbole:
Be thankful I didn't go all Henry V on you: "...And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks / That mowed lawns with us on Saturday." But I'll work on it.


Good motivation, but doing battle on the financial front doesn't require face paint.

Price:
I will certainly be offering a money-back guarantee (thought I had it in place, actually), and will be raising the price. Probably to $15 with half-price on the first day they visit. Testing? Sure. But I gotta have SOME conversions first!

Postscript:
I'll work on it. Probably by reading a lot of other folks' sales pages.

Thanks again, everyone! This should keep me busy for awhile...



-Tim (and here's a link to the current version:http://www.heroicmoney.com).

Melvin Powers was very successful at marketing and selling self-help books. There's excellent examples of his ads and sales letters for his self-help books in his two books, Making Money with Classified Ads, and How To Get Rich in Mail Order.

Study these ads and sales letters and use them as models of excellent copy.

You should also find Gary Bencivenga's ad on selling his book on job interviews. That's very good as well.

Best,

Thomas O'Malley