My Clickbank Copy Needs Critiques Please

13 replies
I did a WSO, but would like to move this to Clickbank. I like to htink of myslef as a good communicator overall, but I wish to do my own copy. I tried using some structure advice from Kevin Rogers. Please review and let me know what I can do better:


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Dear Fellow Entrepreneur,
FAMILY PICTURE
My name is Sterling Sherrell and like you, I am a person who decided it was time to take control of my own financial destiny once and for all. I was not born rich and was never given anything easy in my life. Raised by my maternal grandmother, I grew up in a 14X70 mobile home growing up. It wasn't that my grandmother didn't work mind you. No, she is to this day, at 81, still one of the hardest working people you will have ever known. She grew up picking cotton, oranges, grapes, and other crops in Central California during the Great Depression.

It was her dream for her children to grow up and have better lives than she could afford. It was through her sacrifices that I graduated high school (the first in my family to do so), and go off to college. I thought I had made it in life and started my career. However, something happened, just as I was coming into my prime earning years in my late 30's. Can you guess what that was? I got laid off! Goodbye to the company car, 401K, health benefits, and free worldwide travel.

I tried to get another job, but there were younger kids than me willing to work for half of what I was used to making. So for the first time in my life, i was forced on to the Unemployment roles.

Desperate to find another job, I realized something...there truly is no security when you are working for someone else in life. If you are dependent on anyone else to sign their name at the bottom of your paycheck, life is never going to hold an ounce of security for you or your family. I thought that an education would ensure me a successful life. It was what my grandmother had sacrificed so much for and now I felt like a complete failure!

I decided to start my own business, but I knew I did not want to be like so many business people I saw in my community who sacrificed all their time and money to run a business. Worse than that, I would see many of my hard working friends, have to close up their stores, as the economy grew worse.

So what to do? Like you, I was determined to have my own online business. It was cheaper, easier to start, and if successful, would make me money all while I slept. Then, if I wanted, i could hire some staff to do even the work of pushing buttons for me, while I played with my family across the globe! Does any of this sound familiar to your story?

Then reality set in. I would find a market I was interested in pitching a service or product to, but because I was not a trained programmer, I would spend endless hours working on a website. I bought all kinds of courses on programming languages, software to make websites, clipart packages, domain names, hosting, and on and on.

Then along came Facebook. I was just another user at first, but then I saw all those ads while I was browsing and catching up with old friends. After clicking on a some ads, I realized Facebook was the best place for me to put up a page and market to people I knew were interested in my offers.

So, that is exactly what I did. It sounded easy enough, but when I clicked the "Create Page" button, I soon realized even that was not as easy as I thought. So, I went out and bought some online courses promising to teach me how to setup a Facebook fan page properly. Then I bought another, and then I bought some videos, then I signed up for a webinar. What sounded so easy was turning out to be another time consuming and expensive process, just like with my websites.

Frustrated and showing little to no progress for all my work, I finally said the heck with this! I went out looking for someone to hire to do all of this for me. I found someone who did a great job and I had a nice looking fan page for an ebook I wrote. I was even getting visitors to the page who were signing up to get my book! Things were going really well for once. It was not a lot of money, but it was a start.

Then Facebook changed their structure and my page was no longer showing up like before. I contacted my programmer and he was able to fix it for another fee. As I kept wanting changes I was paying more and more. This programmer was costing me about $30 an hour. If it was just a couple of hours, then that was no problem, but with all the changes Facebook started making, combined with my desire to keep updating my page, it was getting very expensive. As a matter of fact it was costing me more than I was making from the site, not to mention the time I put in promoting it.

I got on the phone with my programmer and asked if there was something he could make so I could change the site myself quickly and easily. I did NOT want to go back to learning to code. After a couple of days, he told me he could make me something that even a fool like me could use. I was so excited. No more paying and waiting for someone else to do the changes. No more staying up late, missing precious time with my family, or becoming basically an employee to my own "business". All the things I wanted to avoid were happening all over again. I am not sure if you know what it feels like to think you are finally getting somewhere to only find yourself right back in the same miserable place you started. But that was my feeling.

I was finally at the place where I wanted to break this cycle...or so I thought. I got a sample of the fan page editor my programming guru had made up for me to try. Even though it had some issues I wanted fixed, it was simply awesome. Even I could not screw this thing up now! That is when I learned another hard lesson, awesome has a price tag. In this case a hefty 4 figure price tag, that I was not expecting.

My excitement soon vanished when I realized this was a bit over my budget. I began looking online for yet another solution to my problem. There were some other tools out that allowed regular folks like us to change up fan pages on Facebook. There was a fee of course, but what stopped me from buying these were two things.

First - Everything I saw was a monthly charge. Usually $30 to even $120 dollars. However, they seemed to solve my problem, so I was trying to figure out which one to join. In my decision making process, I ran into another problem with these.

Second - If you ever stopped paying the monthly fees from these providers, you lost ALL your hard work put into the fan pages you made. No more access, no more changing, no more control. Again, it was like I was going to be the employee and never have control.

Turns out I was not alone. In searching the internet and forums, I saw that there were other people, just like me trying to get our businesses on Facebook. There were lots of people looking for more a more engaging presence. I saw lots of plain text fan pages that were just plain boring and never going to attract a crowd. After all, it is no accident that the most beautiful flowers attract the most bees when it is time to bring new life. The same thing in business. You must be attractive to survive. That is when I had the idea to make that expensive tool available for others in my situation.

I never wanted to be one of those internet marketers selling products to opportunity seekers though. It always seemed a bit shady to me. I kept getting emails every day from people who only made a living selling make money products. I was trying to sell real products to real people.
This was different though. I would not be selling some hyped up make a million dollars pressing a button, I could actually provide a REAL solution to a problem.

No need to take my picture in front of a Ferrari, show loads of cash, or my 10,000 square foot mansion. I had a software that let entrepreneurs place fan pages directly to Facebook as easy as Drag and Drop. If I could come up with the money to get this made, maybe I could sell it for a reasonable price, break even or make some money, and most of all help others struggling with the same issues I was having.

EXAMPLE VIDEO OF FAN PAGES USERS HAVE MADE

That is what gave birth to Face Page Wizard 2.0. No anyone can make professional and engaging fan pages on Facebook, by simply pushing a few buttons and be published live in minutes.
Make as many changes as you want
Make as many pages as you want
Create for yourself or get clients who will pay you to do their fan pages
Sell any product or service directly on Facebook
Build your own lists of buyers
Place your entire website right on Facebook

Most of all, I wanted to make sure it addressed the two problems I mentioned above. So, with Face Page Wizard 2.0
NO monthly fees ever!
NO losing all your fan pages if you cancel!

What this means is that we can now stop working hours on all the things an online business was supposed to have us avoid. Instead:
Spend more time with your family
Sell from the largest social media site on the planet
Grow your business effortlessly
Never have to worry about the next Facebook changes
Finally start being the business owner, not an employee

VIDEO DEMO OF USING FPW 2.0

I know we have all heard the promises of the next great thing before, but here is what I will absolutely stand behind no matter what.

One
My promise of support as you get started. You can contact the help desk any time you are having an issue and you will get help until you are completely satisfied. You simply email us at suppot at facepagewizard.com and get the help you need. Like this:
SCREEN SHOT OF EMAIL RESOLUTION

Two
My personal 100% buy back guarantee. I know this software may not be for everyone. Currently, there is a refund rate of less than 2%. That means for every 100 memberships sold, just about one person refunds. The biggest reason for a refund is that a new member realizes they do not need all the features for their business yet. That is no problem, I have never held up a refund and never will for any reason. That is how I like to be treated and that is my guarantee to you. If you ever grow and find you need to use us again, I want to make sure you come back happy. Try us for a full 60 days. Even if you refund you can keep all the fan pages you created with your membership. You will not be able to update, but I will host them on my server for you forever at no charge whatsoever.

So now is your time. If you are tired of wasting time, money, and your sanity trying to figure out how to market or product or service on Facebook now is your chance to take control. Maybe you have your own clients who are paying you to be the admin for their fan pages. Or maybe you would like to get your own paying clients, but until now did not know how.

Whatever your situation, Facebook is a must for marketing online these days. You will either spin your wheels trying to outsmart Facebook or just join today and get the easiest, most cost effective solution ever.

Once you join, you will get complete unfettered access to all the features of Face Page Wizard 2.0. You can collects emails, sell any physical or digital product, link to hot affiliate promotions, or even create your own business providing fan page services.

The choice of how you want to take your business is now in your hands. Will your future look any different than what it is right now? If you want to change your future, then you have to change your now. Simply click the order button below and get your hands on this life changing, business building, time freeing membership. In the next few minutes you will be on your way to a freedom you never had before. That is not an empty promise, that is backed by my personal 100% guarantee!
#clickbank #copy #critiques
  • Profile picture of the author daddykool
    Hi

    WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY to long for anything to do with Clickbank buddy!

    Shorten it, recompile it and get shot of some of the fluff, then pop it back up again
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    • Profile picture of the author rashamba
      I really do not think it too long from other letters I see on CB. Broken up with bullets, videos, headlines. You have an example offer you think is short and effective?


      Originally Posted by daddykool View Post

      Hi

      WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY to long for anything to do with Clickbank buddy!

      Shorten it, recompile it and get shot of some of the fluff, then pop it back up again
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Okay, first off... It's not too long. That's the good news. The problem is, it's full of stuff people don't need to know, at least in the order you've arranged it.

    First, your headline is a bit on the klunky side and doesn't scream benefits. In fact, I don't really know what you've got by reading your headline or sub header. Before you do anything else brainstorm a benefit-driven headline that will grab the reader by the throat and force him to want to know more.

    The stuff about not being born rich and being raised by your grandmother needs to be shortened considerably and moved to another part of the letter. You've only got a few seconds to get the reader's attention. And although it's important to let people know a bit of your background, it's far more important to let them know what you've got first. That's what you need to open the letter with.

    I didn't read the whole thing but I believe I have an idea of what this might be about. Here's how I'd open the letter.

    Hi...

    I'm travlinguy. There are three essential components to making money online. One of them is highly targeted traffic. Without it you can have the best offer on the planet and you'll still be broke. I'm going to show you how to turn Facebook into a traffic dynamo, sending you thousands of visitors every day...

    Now, that might not be accurate but my point it to get right down to business and let them know why thery're reading. Pound them with how much traffic they'll get and how that traffic will convert to cash. You've got way too much conversational patter going on that doesn't advance the pitch.

    The only time you want to talk about your own business exploits is in the way the thing you're selling helped you to make it or how it allowed you to turn the corner and become profitable. Yes, you can talk very briefly about how you struggled before finding your answer. But keep it brief and always get back on topic, which is what your offer will do for them. This isn't nearly as much about you as it needs to be about what you can offer to help your customers. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author aaallday2010
    The first thing that I noticed was the weak pre-head. Was actually kind oh hard to read. Didnt flow off my tongue.

    Then at the end of your main headline you basically repeated the same thing 3 times in a row...

    Sleep, Vacation, or Just Decide To Finally Relax

    All three pretty much mean the same thing.

    Hope that helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author Elluminati
    I'm nobody's copywriting queen, but with an editorial eye, I see too many grammatical issues. It's not as effective as it should be, mainly given the diction (choice of words). Where are the motivational words and phrases...the HOT ones?

    Personally, I don't like long-form sales copy. Seemingly, most people looking to buy a product online only want the cut-to-the-chase version as we don't find the need to read a "book" about it. I understand the need for long-form sales copy, but people lack patience, unless the content is exciting.

    Structurally (and again I'm no copywriter), I like to see sub-headings for long-form copy. They help guide the reader, allowing him/her to browse through quickly before they decide they want to spend the time reading the whole thing.

    I did take the time to read through it, and I do like the overall concept of your product.
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  • Profile picture of the author rashamba
    Appreciate the replies. I will make tweaks. I was using Kevin Rogers method, as he is a highly coveted jv copywriter on Clickbank. Basically he breaks down his copy in these 7 parts with my thoughts when writing:
    1. The Big Idea -(Went with FB working for you. I tied the idea of employee throughout the copy. Not good enough though?)
    2. The Virtual Handshake - (why I had so much personal story. Too much?)
    3. The Problem - ( tried to bring the pain personally and relate to others)
    4. The Solution - (listed benefits on here)
    5. The Result
    6. The Risk Reversal - My support and refund policy)
    7. The Action - (tried to be real strong here at end. Anyone think that part good?)
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  • Profile picture of the author jaynie
    As a newbie to this forum and no expert just someone who buys too many products, I found the copy too long and just skimmed it looking for the important bits. They weren't too hard to find. Bullet points would help.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrainCopy
    I don't know why people keep saying that the copy is too long.

    I've seen sales letters at 24 pages long and completely killed it.

    If someone doesn't read your message all the way through its because they are not your target market and or you have not captured their interest and attention.

    Your case however - is the that you haven't GRABBED THEIR ATTENTION.

    You need to be able to grab them, shake them, and have them read every word you have to say.

    Here is a great example of a headline that does exactly that (from John Carltons one-legged golfer ad):


    Want to slash strokes from your game almost overnight?

    Amazing Secret Discovered By
    One-Legged Golfer Adds 50 Yards
    To Your Drives, Eliminates Hooks and Slices...
    And Can Slash Up To 10 Strokes From Your Game
    Almost Overnight!
    Here's the full ad here so you can have a look at it.
    OHP Direct - Golf Instructional - Golf School - Golf Training - Golf Teachers - Golf Tips - Lower Scores -

    Hope this helps.

    - Anthony La Tour
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    • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
      Originally Posted by Anthony La Tour View Post

      I don't know why people keep saying that the copy is too long.

      I've seen sales letters at 24 pages long and completely killed it.

      If someone doesn't read your message all the way through its because they are not your target market and or you have not captured their interest and attention.

      Your case however - is the that you haven't GRABBED THEIR ATTENTION.

      You need to be able to grab them, shake them, and have them read every word you have to say.

      Here is a great example of a headline that does exactly that (from John Carltons one-legged golfer ad):


      Want to slash strokes from your game almost overnight?

      Amazing Secret Discovered By
      One-Legged Golfer Adds 50 Yards
      To Your Drives, Eliminates Hooks and Slices...
      And Can Slash Up To 10 Strokes From Your Game
      Almost Overnight!


      Hope this helps.


      - Anthony La Tour
      It's not too long. It's just loaded with stuff that's irrelevant. Woops. I guess that does kinda make it too long. My bad.
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      • Profile picture of the author Steve Hill
        Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

        It's not too long. It's just loaded with stuff that's irrelevant. Woops. I guess that does kinda make it too long. My bad.
        That was funny - and accurate.

        Rashamba - I took a quick look at your copy, and ran smack dab into a huge wall of text. Splat. Another bug hits the virtual text windshield, and stunned, blows off the page, never to return.

        Every paragraph, every word, seemed lovingly crafted. But now, it is time to...kill your darlings.

        That means it's time to distill your message to the very essence of what you are trying to say. Ask yourself, "does this word, this sentence, or this paragraph help convince the customer that he needs this product? Does it help to sell? Is it really important that they know this?"

        Save a copy of the original, and then cold-heartedly slash, pillage, and edit your copy. Compare the old and the new side by side. Edit and compare again. Each time, it will get tighter, leaner, and more effective.

        When you think it is perfect, put it away, sleep on it, come back the next day. Edit it again. Your copy will be the better for it.
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  • Profile picture of the author BrainCopy
    Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

    Renegade Copywriter Spills the Beans...

    How to Quickly and Easily Churn Out Yet Another Non-converting CB Sales Letter

    Hot New Formula Reveals the Secret Cliches Copywriting Gurus Don't Care if You Know

    Step-By-Step Blueprint So Easy Even an Idiot Can Do It -- And Many Do!

    Dear Chump,

    Did you know that most Americans read at the 6th grade level?

    Well, they do. In fact, you're probably one of them.

    But don't worry. I have good news...

    You see, since Americans read at the 6th grade level -- that opens up a tremendous opportunity for people who write like 6th graders --ordinary people just like you.

    Right now you can start churning out copy like Gary Bencivenga, Clayton Makepeace, Gary Halbert, Yanik Silver only different. What select A List copywriters know and you don't is that most people just skim sales letters on CB, buy the product, then return it.

    So you don't have to write worth a pound of rained-on dog-doo to get a respectable conversion rate on CB.

    And here's the best part...

    You can always blame the return rate on the product!

    Are you starting to see what a golden opportunity I'm offering you? You're about to crack the code to the one weird trick that will have you laughing all the way to the bank

    LOL etc.
    WTF??

    Where's the order button bro? LOL
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