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Does Anyone Have Any Suggestions? Really Appreciated

by MoreThanWords
16 replies
Hi,

As you can see I'm a bit new on this topic. I have researched for 2 full days now on this forum on how to write a reasonable copy. I noticed some great advice and so I have tried to write my first copy and wanted to ask this community for some suggestions, guidelines etc? (if it is not too much asked!)

I will not take criticism personally... I just want to get better.

Your help is much appreciated...

I don't know if I can post my link here but I figure if it appears in my signature than it should be OK.

If it is not too much asked kindly check under my "our services" page... I posted it there as I figured if a visitor clicked on this page he would be really interested in the services..........

Thanks in advance!

Noel Angeles
#appreciated #suggestions
  • Profile picture of the author masterz
    WHERE IS THE LINK...?
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    Create Your Own Hot Selling Salescopy In Less Than 24 Hours Without Writing A Single Word - 100% Guaranteed
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    • Profile picture of the author MoreThanWords
      Originally Posted by masterz View Post

      WHERE IS THE LINK...?
      I wasn't sure I could post any link without breaking any forum rules so you can find my link in my signature under the "our services" page

      thank you for your quality time!
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  • Profile picture of the author MoreThanWords
    Peepz? was it that bad?:-(
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    • Profile picture of the author MRMagMark
      Originally Posted by MoreThanWords View Post

      Peepz? was it that bad?:-(
      Here are a few thoughts:

      1. A "Our Services" page is a place to list your services. Anyone who clicks on that navigational tab is expecting to see a clearly defined menu of services. Not a sales letter.

      2. If you want to post a sales letter somewhere, a more successful placement may be under its own page with a title like, "Limited Offer" or "June Special" or even "Why You Should Hire Us."

      3. Your offer is buried. You don't clearly define the problem right off the bat. "Deliver The Oil For Your Money-Making Machine" doesn't do anything for me. Who is your perfect customer? Someone who needs articles written, right? Why not lead with the frustrations that people have with finding article writers? You can explain later how having well-written SEO articles will help increase the profits of a business, but you first have to establish yourself as the solution for a specific problem.

      4. Read more books in English. Read fiction books, non-fiction, even newspapers and magazines. There are areas in your writing that are confusing or grammatically awkward. Read. Read. Read. It will make you a better writer.

      Example:
      We know this, because we have HEARD the COMPLAINTS of previous customers about their previous BAD Experiences before, OVER and OVER again. And what I'm saying? We are still there, we just have a few additional resources for my statement now than I did before.
      Better:
      We know this because we've heard the complaints from previous customers about their bad experiences. Guess what? We're still here. We just have a few additional resources than we did before.

      I'm still unclear on what you were trying to say with that paragraph, but clarified it slightly with some grammatical changes.

      Even native English speakers are challenged by proper grammar. (The usage of "whom" vs. "whomever" is mine.) I'd strongly suggest buying a copy of the book, The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr., and E.B. White. Every writer worth their salt will have it in their collection.

      Regarding the sales letter, you need a clear offer, then focus on why people would be interested in that offer. So if you're offering articles for a deep discount, build a case for someone who is frustrated with trying to find article writers and how simple and easy it would be to hire you (and take advantage of the limited-time offer).

      Someone else may be able to give more advice or even better advice, but that's my two cents.
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    Your site selling your services needs some serious work.

    You really need to read Dan Furman's Do the Web Write. He has excellent information on how to write copy for a site selling your services.

    Just reading about copywriting on this forum for two days doesn't make you a decent copywriter.

    You have a lot more homework to do.

    To start, read Furman's book and also read Bob Bly's The Copywriter's Handbook.

    Best,

    Thomas O'Malley
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    I know you're trying to learn, so I'll help you.

    To be honest, your copy is awful. Everything others have told you applies. But you probably need more specific direction.

    Let's start (for now) above the fold.

    I know you think it's pretty, but lose the picture of the faceless, black silhouettes of business people.

    1. It doesn't represent you.

    2. It puts a barrier between you and your customer.

    3. It actually puts prospects off from doing business with you.

    In short, they'll click away.

    If you REALLY want a more polished, professional image, try something like this:



    Design-wise, this can be cleaned up a lot, but it get's the ball rolling copy-wise.

    Good luck,

    - Rick Duris
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    • Profile picture of the author MoreThanWords
      Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

      I know you're trying to learn, so I'll help you.

      To be honest, your copy is awful. Everything others have told you applies. But you probably need more specific direction.

      Let's start (for now) above the fold.

      I know you think it's pretty, but lose the picture of the faceless, black silhouettes of business people.

      1. It doesn't represent you.

      2. It puts a barrier between you and your customer.

      3. It actually puts prospects off from doing business with you.

      In short, they'll click away.

      If you REALLY want a more polished, professional image, try something like this:


      Design-wise, this can be cleaned up a lot, but it get's the ball rolling copy-wise.

      Good luck,

      - Rick Duris
      Thank you so much rick!

      Really appreciate it!

      what do you suggest I write below? Can i still use some of what I have written before?

      You saw the last pacqiaou fight?

      Kind regards
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Originally Posted by MoreThanWords View Post

        what do you suggest I write below? Can i still use some of what I have written before?

        You saw the last pacqiaou fight?

        Kind regards
        You can use the ideas, they're good ideas... but the copy itself is awful. I would abandon.

        - Rick Duris

        PS: And yes, I did see the last fight. Manny was robbed. He won it. You can probably watch it on YouTube.
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        • Profile picture of the author MoreThanWords
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          You can use the ideas, they're good ideas... but the copy itself is awful. I would abandon.

          - Rick Duris

          PS: And yes, I did see the last fight. Manny was robbed. He won it. You can probably watch it on YouTube.
          Alright. I think I have to Edit my entire website now...... as I'm getting your point now........

          How bout using the sales letter as my home page?

          I by the way editted it now.. like you suggested...

          also.. do i have to upload my own pic? can i upload my partners?


          PS I saw the fight as well... it was really a disgrace for boxing......
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  • Profile picture of the author MoreThanWords
    Thank you for all the advice!

    I think Im going to start all over again!

    Im going to read those books though.. can you buy those books online?
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  • Profile picture of the author TheWrightWords
    If you're selling writing services, you need to make sure the grammar and spelling on your own site is correct. I second (third?) what everyone else has said so far, you need to proofread and brush up on your writing. Alternatively, you can hire someone to proofread for you, but then you could run into a problem later, after you deliver completed articles.
    Buyers will be expecting to receive at least the level of quality they are seeing in your sales copy and elsewhere on your site. By hiring someone to proofread and improve your sales copy, you may also end up needing to hire someone to polish your finished articles before you deliver them. If you learn to proof your own work, you'll eliminate the need to hire someone else.
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    PM for samples and rates.

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  • Profile picture of the author MoreThanWords
    Alright! I will follow all your advice

    really really really appreciate it you guys!



    PS never knew that writing a copy would take this much time!

    If may I ask... what do you guys think about writing a copy vs seo?

    Are you guys working with keywords?
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  • Profile picture of the author MoreThanWords
    ....guys am i going the right direction now?
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  • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
    Well your website design is better, but your content isn't (didn't bother reading) because you have so many different fonts, colors, layout problems that its just an eye sore to look at. Only use like 2 colors max. keep your content one layout style unless its something important that needs their attention.

    That's just your layout problems. If you can fix that we can look at if your actual content is actually worth reading because right now if I was a customer and I went to your website. One look at that layout and I would hit the back button immediately.
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    • Profile picture of the author MoreThanWords
      Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster View Post

      Well your website design is better, but your content isn't (didn't bother reading) because you have so many different fonts, colors, layout problems that its just an eye sore to look at. Only use like 2 colors max. keep your content one layout style unless its something important that needs their attention.

      That's just your layout problems. If you can fix that we can look at if your actual content is actually worth reading because right now if I was a customer and I went to your website. One look at that layout and I would hit the back button immediately.
      hmmm..... I came to the forum to ask if it was too loud! I guess you answered my question already alright.. back to editing...

      it seems weird but i'm actually enjoying doing this!
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      • Profile picture of the author new2d
        Banned
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        • Profile picture of the author MoreThanWords
          Originally Posted by new2d View Post

          no, don't go back to editing. go back and learn the fundamentals first. at the moment you're throwing darts blindly.
          learning hands on right?
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