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My first ever sales letter [Video] Please critique to your best ability

by stevealtman
12 replies
Hey guys

First off,

I've never written a sales copy before but I've been through enough to know what sounds good to me and what doesn't

I also studied a few copy writing books, and took a small course on video sales letters.

And I have a few years of psychology background in college.


Other than that, this is my first go at copy writing/video sales letters.

I hope you'll critique it in ways that help me increase sales, not in ways you think will make it sound or look better to you... because at the end of the day, a sales letter's main purpose is to sell


My targeted audience is people who want to make money.. I have two sales videos, each addressing different people. The first video mainly addresses people who don't know what internet marketing is/don't know that you can make money online.. and the second video addresses people who are struggling to make money online.


And yes, I know that some of my claims are bs, my testimonials will be fake, and I don't actually have much credibility.. but I can guarantee that the method I present the viewers will make them money.

My aim is to get viewers to relax and let the words fly into their brains rather than have them actively read through a copy and criticize everything. That's why I chose to make it a video copy instead of regular copy

Please try your best to constructively criticize it.. I could use all the professional help I can get.


About the sales video:


Traffic will be sent to a sales page, and there will be the first video that comes on autoplay

the first video ends with a question/cliffhanger (raises interest and curiosity)

and then viewers will most likely click through to the second page with the link below the first video

and then the second video will play


This is the first video (The empty part at the end is for testimonials which I'll add later)

http://youtu.be/zAyti7D2bz0

Visitors will then click through to second video

https://vimeo.com/44415725
#ability #critique #letter #sales #video
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post

    And yes, I know that some of my claims are bs, my testimonials will be fake, and I don't actually have much credibility.. but I can guarantee that the method I present the viewers will make them money.
    You think it's fine to lie to people just to peddle your junk?

    I could use all the professional help I can get.
    Yes, I think you could.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
    It's not junk, it'll make them money. And it has a money back guarantee.. sure I'm not telling the truth (yet, because I haven't sold my product yet) but if they make money, what's the difference? If they don't make money, they get all of their money back quickly. And the product is $10.

    Unfortunately this is the only way for my to sell the product.. I've tried being honest and telling people that I'm a beginner in internet marketing, but it looks like people don't buy from beginners.
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    • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
      Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post

      It's not junk, it'll make them money. And it has a money back guarantee.. sure I'm not telling the truth (yet, because I haven't sold my product yet) but if they make money, what's the difference? If they don't make money, they get all of their money back quickly. And the product is $10.
      You really can't see what's wrong with that?

      Unfortunately this is the only way for my to sell the product.. I've tried being honest and telling people that I'm a beginner in internet marketing, but it looks like people don't buy from beginners.
      Pathetic.
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      Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author sovereignn
      Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post

      It's not junk, it'll make them money. And it has a money back guarantee.. sure I'm not telling the truth (yet, because I haven't sold my product yet) but if they make money, what's the difference? If they don't make money, they get all of their money back quickly. And the product is $10.

      Unfortunately this is the only way for my to sell the product.. I've tried being honest and telling people that I'm a beginner in internet marketing, but it looks like people don't buy from beginners.
      You should give out a few free copies or contact some people in the Niche and get REAL reviews

      Copy isn't awful.... But it could be a lot better

      It didn't really capture my attention and the music in the background annoyed me so I couldn't even finish the video.

      Maybe it works better paired with your sales page?
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    • Profile picture of the author videolover7
      Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post


      Unfortunately this is the only way for my to sell the product.. I've tried being honest and telling people that I'm a beginner in internet marketing, but it looks like people don't buy from beginners.
      Not true.

      Use the methods you teach, make money, and then you'll have enough credibility to sell your product. Numerous successful internet marketers got their start that exact way.

      As for your unabashed willingness to lie, that's a moral failing. Would you also steal if it helped you accomplish your goal?

      VL
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  • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
    I mean technically I'm not lying, the product I'm selling is an updated version of a plr I bought.. which other people have used to make a lot of money. I never said people used my product to make money, I said people used the method I discuss in my product.. to make money.

    And sovereignn, can you check out the second one then? Maybe my problem is that I'm targeting too many different people.

    Anyway, thanks for all of your input..
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    • Profile picture of the author videolover7
      Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post

      I mean technically I'm not lying, the product I'm selling is an updated version of a plr I bought.. which other people have used to make a lot of money. I never said people used my product to make money, I said people used the method I discuss in my product.. to make money.

      And sovereignn, can you check out the second one then? Maybe my problem is that I'm targeting too many different people.

      Anyway, thanks for all of your input..
      Use the methods you teach, make money, and then you'll have enough credibility to sell your product. Numerous successful internet marketers got their start that exact way.

      VL
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    • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
      Originally Posted by stevealtman View Post

      I mean technically I'm not lying, the product I'm selling is an updated version of a plr I bought.. which other people have used to make a lot of money. I never said people used my product to make money, I said people used the method I discuss in my product.. to make money.
      Your video states that this system makes you all the money you could ever need. But in this thread you make it clear that's not the case.

      So yes, technically you are lying, and you've deliberately set out to defraud people.

      I can only hope you have a change of heart (VL gives you the path to go down).
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      Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
    Actually yes, I have had a change of heart.

    Honestly, I probably misunderstood what the copywriting books were telling me.. they told me to present huge claims and whatnot, but never mentioned what to do if you weren't already established.

    Anyway, I've dropped this sales video.. though I worked hard on it, I know I can write one much better without having to lie. Thanks for all of your input, even you Andrew, though your input input was a bit harsh..

    and VL that's what I'll probably do now..

    Also.. what are swipe files, and is it ethical to use swipe files of other marketers?

    Sorry, I'm very new to copy writing
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      Just take the advice on the chin and move forwards. I think it's fairly obvious you don't really want to lie to other people, you just allowed your ignorance of how to position yourself to let you down this time.

      Not a big deal. Far from it. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time even the best in the business. And it's from these mistakes we all often end up learning the most about ourselves. How to apply ourselves better in the future.

      And Andrew Gould? Don't be upset by his words, he was saying this for your own good and now you see the light, it's all good.

      Andrew is in fact one of the most pleasant and kind, gentle copywriters on this forum and he's been in the game for a while. A more pleasant gentleman you couldn't hope to meet.

      There is no need to lie though, people would actually appreciate you more if you remain just down to earth and honest with them.

      In other words be true to yourself and to your target market.

      If you gain a small success in an area of business, make a mental or physical note of this in your daily business diary (or journal) for the lesson learned might just be something which others in a similar situation to you could one day take from you and apply to their own life or business.

      By such small incremental positive steps you become a stronger business person in your own right.

      Good luck on the journey,

      Warmest regards,


      Mark Andrews

      PS What is a swipe file?

      http://goo.gl/R1gAX
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  • Profile picture of the author stevealtman
    Thanks Mark, what you said really resonated with me because that's exactly what I thought when I heard all of this feedback.. and maybe if Andrew wasn't so harsh with me, I would have thought it would be just fine to keep lying in my copy.
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    • Profile picture of the author andrewkar
      Background color... make it white...

      (Yes... I know blue is trustful but...save it for the theme...).

      Still, black on white is the best way to go (for this niche at least. Or.. you can make dark blue on white.... or you can brake the rules and show that this setup will work ).

      For me... copy is a bit unnatural because YOU trying to push the idea of "trust me" a little too much... and they will sniff this, easily.

      The whole them just doesn't working for me...

      Well, it's a really GOOD try... honestly.

      But the good copy is something doesn't get attention of the reader...

      unfortunately your first video is NOT there...
      Signature
      Do what you want to do!
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