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Sales Page Critique

by dorono
14 replies
Hello all,

I have a hair care product that I'm promoting via Google AdWords. It's been up for a few days and no sales yet, although it's very new and my budget is only $15/day.

I'd love to get your honest critiques:
bit.ly/Ly12iA (should be fine without "https://")

Thanks so much!

Doron
#critique #page #sales #sales page
  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    When I first land on the site and see the headline...

    "Casablanca Hair Treatment Elixir with Argan Oil from Morocco"

    My first reaction is "so?" and "what does that even mean"

    in other words... no real benefits right away, in the headline, that pull me in and make
    me want to read this letter.

    the headline is the most read and most important part of any sales letter... and this one shows me no reason to keep reading, because if i'm your target market, it's not talking about my hair and what it can do for me.

    My advice would be to study some of Gary Halbert's ads for beauty products...

    Gary Halbert Ad #4: “Amazing New Formula from Beverly Hills Lets You Look Years Younger”

    he did quite a few of them and they were all benefit-filled and really talked about how the product could help the reader.

    remember, people don't buy products... they buy what it will DO for them... so you'll want to skip the features of the product and instead, turn around and shine the spotlight on your prospect... and show them how your product will help them get what they want.
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    • Profile picture of the author dorono
      Thanks so much Shawn! I'm going to implement your changes right away, hopefully it helps!
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    you're more than welcome Doron, I'd suggest trying to find the most unique thing about the product... and then the biggest benefit that it offers, and put that right up at the top of the page in a headline.

    I was looking at your page earlier... and the old Rosetta Stone headline popped into my head...

    The Fastest and Easiest Way to Learn a New Language, Guaranteed!
    can turn into....

    The Fastest and Easiest Way to Get ________ Hair, Guaranteed!

    then put in Full, Thick, Bouncy, Shiny, Lusterous, etc.

    but again, since this market is so competitive and a lot of products are similar and can do the same thing, you have to find the WOW factors about this and go with that all through.

    here's an old letter i wrote that talked about "eating chocolate and losing weight"

    i could have said it was just a protein bar, but again, there's a ton of them.

    Slim Body bars

    so going with the chocolate taste and coating was my way of being different and saying you can eat chocolate and still lose weight.
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    • Profile picture of the author dorono
      Thanks again for being so generous with your info, I really like your template for the tagline, I'll give it a shot. Great work on the candy bar letter as well. Looking forward to giving this another try.
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  • Profile picture of the author DaveySlavey
    If you are going to have a header that big the tagline better tell me something that sparks my interest or at least makes sense to a broad audience. How is this product going to enrich my life and how long is that going to take? Why you and not someone else? These are the first things you need the user to process when landing on the site if you want to see some sales.
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  • Profile picture of the author CopywritingByRazvan
    Now, my first reaction was very similar to Shawn ...

    "So what?"

    But then I've realized that I'm not in the marketplace. I'm not looking for hair treatment solutions and Argan Oil from Morrocoo may mean something in this niche, something that I don't understand.

    Now, I back everything that he said but I would also keep the unique mechanism of action in the headline. If everyone is making the same claims, it actually matters how you are different.

    However ... I'll take a risk here.

    Even if I don't understand the market, I can bet that this is very similar to the acne market or the weight loss market. There are many competitors and sometimes their claims are astronomic.

    This means that your prospect heard before that this is the "fastest, easiest, cheapest" solution and he doesn't buy into that anymore.

    So why don't you use as a main benefit something different or why don't you play into his frustration that he's heard all of that before but he's still having hair problems?

    Thank you,
    Razvan Rogoz
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    • Profile picture of the author dorono
      Still more great advice, thanks guys!

      How's this for a headline?:

      "Instantly See Softer and Shinier Hair with the ONLY Argan Oil Treatment Containing the Luxurious Reinforcing Effects of Grape Seed Oil."

      You can see that page at bit.ly/Ly12iA
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      • Profile picture of the author BlackMetal
        Originally Posted by dorono View Post

        Still more great advice, thanks guys!

        How's this for a headline?:

        "Instantly See Softer and Shinier Hair with the ONLY Argan Oil Treatment Containing the Luxurious Reinforcing Effects of Grape Seed Oil."

        You can see that page at bit.ly/Ly12iA
        Yes, you need an "irresistable offer" to hook them, and take away their BS detector etc.
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        • Profile picture of the author dorono
          OK, I made some of the latest suggested tweaks:
          bit.ly/Ly12iA

          Not being a professional copywriter, I'm still having some challenges with my "irresistible" headline. Here are my ideas so far:
          • Soft, Shiny, and Effortlessly Manageable Hair – NOW.
          • Your Softest, Shiniest, and Most Manageable Hair is Waiting for You.
          • How to See Your Softest, Shiniest, and Most Effortlessly Manageable Hair, Now.
          • See Your Softest, Shiniest, and Most Effortlessly Manageable Hair. Now.
          • You'll Be Amazed at What Soft, Shiny, and Lively Hair Can Do for a Girl.
          • Your Softest, Shiniest, and Most Manageable Hair Awaits.

          _THANKS_
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          • Profile picture of the author DaveySlavey
            Originally Posted by dorono View Post

            OK, I made some of the latest suggested tweaks:
            bit.ly/Ly12iA

            Not being a professional copywriter, I'm still having some challenges with my "irresistible" headline. Here are my ideas so far:
            • Soft, Shiny, and Effortlessly Manageable Hair - NOW.
            • Your Softest, Shiniest, and Most Manageable Hair is Waiting for You.
            • How to See Your Softest, Shiniest, and Most Effortlessly Manageable Hair, Now.
            • See Your Softest, Shiniest, and Most Effortlessly Manageable Hair. Now.
            • You'll Be Amazed at What Soft, Shiny, and Lively Hair Can Do for a Girl.
            • Your Softest, Shiniest, and Most Manageable Hair Awaits.

            _THANKS_
            Closer. I am starting to see what I am going to get but I want you to be more specific on how long it's going to take. I know soft and shiny, but what else do I WANT to get out of this deal, something to do with age and longevity.
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            • Profile picture of the author dorono
              Originally Posted by DaveySlavey View Post

              Closer. I am starting to see what I am going to get but I want you to be more specific on how long it's going to take. I know soft and shiny, but what else do I WANT to get out of this deal, something to do with age and longevity.
              How's "Soft, Shiny, and Effortlessly Manageable Hair in Seconds" ?

              Just like almost any spray-on hair care product, it works more or less instantaneously, like hair spray, so there isn't too much in terms of specifics I can get into as far as how long it's going to take to work (as opposed to a weight loss supplement that can say, "Lose 20 pounds in Two Weeks!" or something like that).

              Whaddyathink?

              Also, not sure what you mean by "something to do with age and longevity," so if you can clarify that, that would be great.

              Thanks!
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  • Profile picture of the author hostwindsEvanM
    My impression when I first hit the page is I found myself searching for what it was really about. It appeared busy and took extra effort to locate the topic.
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    • Profile picture of the author dorono
      Originally Posted by hostwindsEvanM View Post

      My impression when I first hit the page is I found myself searching for what it was really about. It appeared busy and took extra effort to locate the topic.
      Hmm, well, the target market, or the people coming to the page via Google ads would definitely know what Argan Oil is, so I am not sure I see there being a problem understanding the topic.

      In light of that fact, do you still think it would be hard for those shopping for Argan Oil to understand the point of the page?

      Otherwise, thanks for pointing out that the page is busy. I'm not sure exactly what I'd cut out, and I'm actually going to be adding an image to illustrate the 2 different sizes, but if you have any ideas for specific bits of the page to cut out, I'd love to hear them.

      Thanks!
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      • Profile picture of the author ZahraBrown
        "Dandruff is Reduced to a Minimum."
        People want to get rid of dandruff, not reduce it. You can't lie about the product, so I'd leave this bit out.

        "Dull and Lifeless Hair Becomes Shiny and Full of Life - But Never Oily."
        Delete off the 'but never oily' part. I don't think it's necessary. Shiny doesn't equal oily. The 'shiny' and 'full of life' sounds so positive, upbeat, but the oily is negative.

        "any hair care dilemma, whether your hair is dry, normal, or oily"
        'Normal' isn't a dilemma.

        "but also nourishes the scalp, alleviating dryness and itchiness."
        You could push this selling point more. Usually hair care products target the hair or scalp, so it's nice to see something that helps both.

        The picture: I don't understand why there is a field behind the bottle. Is that Morocco? No offence, but that isn't a selling point to me. As long as the product works, I'm not bothered about where it comes from. I definitely don't need pictures of the place. I'd like closer pictures of the product's bottle instead. It's hard to see all the text.

        "Instantly See Softer and Shinier Hair with the ONLY Argan Oil Treatment Containing the Luxurious Reinforcing Effects of Grape Seed Oil."
        Too long. You need to cut out unnecessary words to get something with more punch like "Soft. Shiny. Manageable" but sell the uniqueness of your product, meaning the argan and grape seed oils.

        A bit picky, but could you fill that white space after 'environmental factors'? Maybe push up the buy now and guarantee sections?

        Good luck!
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