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Needs of criticism on my squeeze page

by HansDavid
10 replies
Here it is: h**p://YourFirst1000DollarOnline.info

So far the page has between 35 and 40 percent of convertion rates. I plan to improve it until at least 50 percent. Any input you guys can give me? Thanks in advance.
#criticism #page #squeeze
  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    First off... the heading...

    "Your First 1000 Dollar Online" makes no sense.

    Since that's the first thing people see, and it's misspelled
    and doesn't make sense, you'll probably get a lot of people
    just clicking the back button.

    I'm assuming you're trying to say ....

    "Your First 1000 Dollars Online" or "Your First $1,000 Online"
    Signature
    MILLION Dollar Copywriter Offering Written Sales Letter or VSL Script Worth $5,000 - Just $500!
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  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    lol... its getting 35-40%
    Signature

    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

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  • Profile picture of the author Ttone7
    $1.50 domain tell me the web master was broke or the content he is hosting may be liable to a DMCA so he does not care

    But saying that im not your targeted demographic, your page loads a bit slow but your opt-in form is in a great position
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  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    and get rid of the "a" before free... that doesn't make sense either...

    "Here is a FREE Information That is Helping Regular People Make Money Using Affiliate Marketing From Home! Earn Your First or Next $1,000 Online!"
    Signature
    MILLION Dollar Copywriter Offering Written Sales Letter or VSL Script Worth $5,000 - Just $500!
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  • Profile picture of the author Tony Shipp
    put $ before 1000 and eliminate Dollar ($1000).
    Signature

    Vision without action is a daydream...Action without vision is a nightmare.

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    • Profile picture of the author ZahraBrown
      The Good

      Your signature is a nice touch. Finish it off with your name in print underneath, preferably with your marketing title to show your expertise.

      Bullock points to break up information.

      The tools to share are a great idea. Maybe focus on getting hits on Google+ and the Pin it service so the 0 doesn't put people off.


      The Bad:confused:

      The title doesn't make sense. Change it from 'Your First 1000 Dollar Online' to 'Make Your First $1000 Online!' Definitely get an English speaker to write for you. Sorry, but there are several mistakes here. At least hire an English speaking editor to tidy it up when you're done.

      I don't understand why the red text is in quotation marks. You can remove the "" so the red text is a proper heading.

      Under the Free Report fields it says, "Your Privacy is SAFE". This doesn't make sense. Say something like, "Your information won't be shared with third parties."

      I'd separate the Privacy Policy and Contact links at the bottom. It looks a bit lazy to keep them together. People shouldn't have to go through the Privacy Policy to get your contact information - it's like you're hiding it.

      You need a longer page with a breakdown of what the system can do. Don't give away all your secrets, but give a little taste. A great way to do this is by giving the chapter headings so people know what to expect. Address the problems you solved when you created this system i.e. paid your bills, quit a crappy job, a nice holiday, etc.

      Add pictures to evoke certain emotions e.g. someone sad because they're broke, and later someone happy because they made a $1000!

      The pop-up box when you try to leave says to click "Stay on this page" or "Cancel". Maybe it's just Google Chrome, but mine said "Leave this page", not Cancel. Also shorten the text in that pop-up box - it's too wordy.

      On the 'Before you leave' page it says US$1,050. Take off the 'US'.

      On the 'Before you leave' page, you need to tone down the underlines. Save them for the price only. Again, take the 'US' off the price.

      I don't know what the name of your report is. Can you make it clearer? Maybe add a picture of the cover.
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  • Profile picture of the author Battle Beta
    Excuse me Mr. Hans sir?

    Why use these techniques in America, instead of your home country, where people have never seen them? You know the language perfectly, instead of trying to write a sales page in your second language.

    I'm not trying to be insulting, because I really don't know. I've only recently started this stuff and the thought of even writing a sales page in English sounds tough.

    Thanks for posting so others can learn

    í¡íGood luck to you!!!
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  • Profile picture of the author HansDavid
    Thanks for all the inputs, cheers
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  • Profile picture of the author geegel
    I'm beginning to think that a few grammar errors can actually have a positive effect on sales. This way the whole thing seems to be made by a non-copywriter. The fact that you have a non English sounding name probably works in your favor as well.

    Anyway, my point is: you shouldn't take anyone's advice without a grain of salt. Always split test.

    I've seen too many "common sense" approaches to fix things fail, so basically only data can tell you what works and what doesn't.

    Regards,
    George
    Signature
    The Persuasion Expert: Capture. Solve. Create. Persuade
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    • Profile picture of the author zannix
      You need a header mate. A good, inticing header that pops out. And it needs to be centered. So instead of "Your first 1,000$ online", pay someone on fiverr to make a great header in photoshop, saying something like "This is the BIG opportunity you've been waiting for..." - or something like that, and center it.
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