I need my copy reviewed by a pro

Give more details about who it is you are targeting, and such because your copy seems to be newbie oriented.


David

You lose me at the spammy-sounding headline. And the dodgy-looking earnings screenshots. And the clumsy copy that shows you selling from your heels. Massive fail all round. Not even the WSO mob will fall for this. It reeks of desperation.

Are there other industries where people routinely say, "I need <blank> done by a professional <blanker>." and what they really mean is, "I want <blank> done by a professional <blanker> for FREE"?

Oh, while we're on the subject, I need my pool re-tiled and plastered for free.

My reviews aren't free, but they take me 4 hours to do, where I read, re-read, then read again, then think, re-think, think again, then take a lot of notes. Then I sleep, then wake up re-read, take more notes, then record an hour-long (on average) in-depth discussion of the the errors in the letter, anything that may be missing, and of course, detailed instructions on how to fix the problems.

I don't do the fixes as part of the review, that's a separate service. But I have plenty of happy clients with my professional reviews. Let me know if you are interested.

BTW, my free estimate is - "It has some problems, and could use some work. I can definitely help. Let's talk about booking some time and I can go into a lot more detail."

Feeble "surprise encounter with random stranger who reveals the $ secret" pitch.

/review

I think your copy gets better as you read. Probably should get rid of the first part. I think you have the wrong angle. Doing something closer to how you went from failure to success and making that the theme of your ad is probably more powerful to warrior type readers.

Also your copy kind of implies you basically screw the p*ss out of affiliates for your own gain, which while interesting, is also kind of evil

The first part was very generic. I liked the middle part though, had me interested. If you could fix the first part you would do a lot better as thats where people will lose their attention on this sales copy.

It's loaded with hype and marginally believable claims, which make it the near perfect WSO. The only problem is it's way too long. Cut it by 2/3 leaving the most outrageous stuff in and you probably have a winner.

Not only is the whole thing a painfully obvious lie, it's not even entertaining.

Plus the FTC would have a field day with this.

Go ahead, tell me it's actually all true and that I don't know anything and you're a super-successful marketer which is why you're posting this for a free critique instead of outsourcing it.

-Daniel

OK so I am not a CW but I think the story is pretty good like others have said the beginning is a little cliche.

And when it come to what other people are telling you I'd be careful for example the guy above me in the previous thread said

So make sure you only take advice from quality references that do know copy and copy in your niche.

It's about what your market wants not what other people think your market wants. So if possible talk to someone in your niche that is a CW.

just my $0.02

personally, this kind of letter goes against everything I believe to be good copy.

It reeks of hype... which basically just turns people off these days... even those who buy into the hype.

i'd scap it and start over.

i mean, just in the first couple of paragraphs...
i see...

you should consider yourself lucky.

you have never been in a better place.

you must download this right now

if you don't download this right now.

you could miss out on the most important
money making opportunity you've ever had in
life.

thank goodness you found this while it's still up

All all of this is still in the first few paragraphs.

this is what John Carlton calls "needing to clear
your throat" copy... meaning you simply scratch
that entire first part and start your letter with "
I was desperate with no job"

this is the exact kind of copy that rookies think
will sell... and a pro will see it and smile because they
know they could write a letter that would crush that
and put you out of business.

just my 2 cents.

in fact, check out kelly felix and his recent rewrite of
bring the fresh, you'll see how he wrote brilliant copy,
in the money making niche, without the need to hype it.

Im no "pro" but have written a successful sales letter or two, so take this as you wish.

-headline isn't good. I'd stick to some of the "tried and true" type formulas I.e "who else wants....?" or maybe "how to..."

-you start the letter really weak. I didn't want to read it really. I saw a Bill Glazer DVD where he said he always uses the "If....then..." method of starting a letter. So I did too, and it works. Having studied letters written by "pros" I see it's used a lot. Example for you would be, instead of what you wrote, write "if you want to discover the methods that real people make real money online, then this letter may be the most important thing you read today". That's not great, but you get the idea. I think Glazer may have got that from Halbert, btw.

-it seems to me, you spend too long setting out the problem. Your "story", if true, could be a good one. Just needs to be shorter & punchier IMO.

-your sub-headlines don't flow with the rest of the text. I realized the importance of this after handwriting out sales letters written by yank silver etc. the headlines should flow with the rest of the text which makes it easy to read.

I didn't get far enough to see your offer. so cant comment on that.

you can get. Some brilliant copywriting guidance from either the ultimate sales letter book or even signing up for Kennedys "most incredible free gift ever".

Other than that I'd really recommend reading & hand writing out sales letters you know have worked well. Don't ask me why, but it helps.

You lost me at "testers needed". I wouldn't be interested in paying for a system that requires "testing". The rest of it was fairly generic - sub par at best - and not very believable/convincing. Did you mirror someone else's copy?