Please crit my squeeze page.

by bigcullie

Posted: 15 years ago 17 replies

COPY WRITING

I have spent hours upon hours with my squeeze page. I need another pair of eyes to give it a crit. I feel it is nearly there, but no yet.

I have changed the order a hundred times, changed the colors, changed the title, and changed the photographs.

Please do not hold back, let rip it can take it.

I would hate to start again as I am getting sick of changing it, but that life.

The squeeze page is at www.photofortune.com/freereport

Thanks in advance,

Gordon.

#crit #page #squeeze

Aronya 15 years ago

Greetings,
Here's a couple of quick impressions:

Center the page.
The background strikes me as cheap. Maybe just switch to a solid color?
Lose the "." after Photographers on 1st line.
Capitalize "are" and "never" in 2nd line.
That red headline is written as one sentence, but improperly punctuated, and separated by blank space. If nothing else, close it up so it reads properly.
The little camera graphic looks cheesy to me - try something else.
Check punctuation in your first bullet.
No commas needed in final bullet.
Repeat your opt-in form at the bottom of the page.

HTH,
Tim
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- bigcullie 15 years ago
  
  Thanks Tim,
  
  You would not believe the time I have sent trying to center this this for all browsers. I thought it was finished.
  
  I have changed the background so many times. I liked the texture of this one, but I agree, I am not happy with the color. Back to the drawing board.
  
  As for grammer, you are correct, it needs that extra attension.
  
  So thanks for you help, I do appreciate it.
  
  Gordon.
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  http://maidensrocks.com/blog/
  
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travlinguy 15 years ago

Your headline is too long and it meanders. You might try something like: Attention All Photographers: You've Got A Fortune In Unused Photos Just Sitting On Your Hard Drive. I'm Going To Show You How To Turn Them Into Cash!

That's off the top of my head and could be tweaked a bit but you can see it's more to the point. You've also got quite a few punctuation and grammar issues throughout. For example, your first bullet, "How to store them Online..." you end it with a question mark and it's not a question. You should also lose the semicolons.

You might also consider getting a graphics person to design a spiffy header. That would go a long way in illustrating credibility and professionalism. You shouldn't have to pay more than $20 or so for it if you shop around. Try the Warriors For Hire section of this forum. I also agree that you could choose a better background. Good luck!
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- bigcullie 15 years ago
  
  Thanks travlinguy,
  
  What a cracking heading. if this is what came off the top of your head, I would love to see what you come up with when you start thinking.
  
  Yes it grammer is poor, my wife has just this minutes commented on that, but on a different topic, but she is good that way.
  
  As for the graphic, could I ask for your help in this one. It is not by accident that there is no header. I purposely decided not to use one, so you have go me thinking. I have such a header at http://www.photofortune.com/images/i...une_header.jpg which I use for my sales page. Do you suggest that I use it on the squeeze page.
  
  Thanks again, I will be spending the weekend on this page alone.
  
  All the best, Gordon.
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  http://maidensrocks.com/blog/
  
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MaskedMarketer 15 years ago

The headline is weak and Travlinguy is moving in the right direction.

Also, instead of saying " You Are" or "You Will" - you may want to try "You're" and "You'll".

Maybe try and put urgency and scracity on the page by saying your only allowing a certain number of people access to this information.

"Read this Free Report and find out if you are good enough."

I don't really like this...

Maybe you can say "Get Insider Access and Find Out If You Have What It Takes (to...)" I put that in parenthasis because you may or may not want to continue the sentence.

I don't really like the word "Free Report" as its over used (might be fine for your market), but you can test different wordings. Can't think of them now- just woke up

And put in opt-in box at the bottom if your going to have a landing page that long.

A quick tip:

The squeeze page has one action orientated process for the prospect and that is to "enter there name, email and click the submit button".

Its known in hypnosis that reptition is powerful.

When in sales you always ask for the sale repeately.

I only notice 1 command in your squeeze page thats asking for the "sale"

Tellman Knudson gives 4 commands to get the sale.

EX: Easy Traffic Steps Secret

"Just enter your name and email and I'll expose the 20 most powerful, most unstoppable, and most profitable secret traffic streams I discovered

"Just enter your information below and I'll reveal"

"Just type in your First Name and Primary Email and click the "Free Instant Access! button"

Enter Your First Name:

Enter Your Primary Email address:

Button says "Click Here"

Compared to yours which only tells them once to type in information and click the button. Notice how you put Name: and Email: and Tellman put "Enter Your First Name:" "Enter Your Primary Email Address".

Those are commands.

You literally must tell your readers exactly what to do and tell them repeately.

Tellman is suppose to be the "go to guy" when it comes to list building.

From what I hear, he's pretty good at what he does.
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bigcullie 15 years ago

Thanks MaskedMarketer,

Headline is weak, yet it took time to right it. I will be changed by the weekend.

I know what you are saying by "have you got what it takes" I know that tactic works. What I am trying to say is that the customer probably does have what it takes, and I only want to show them that they have the ability. I think I am writing that in the negative, "have you got what it take" making the customer answer no unto themselves, then running away. That is the typical Scottish logic. I will really need to think about this one.

Free report yes, is over used and cliched. A report that free that give valuable information, how could i word it better. I don't know. That is my weekend wasted again, but I did ask for help, and out of the three reply I am very grateful for you advice. It is better I take it now that later.

Many thanks again.

Gordon
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- MaskedMarketer 15 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by bigcullie
  
  I know what you are saying by "have you got what it takes" I know that tactic works.
  
  hey bigcullie,
  
  the reason i didnt really like it, is because to me it doesn't "flow" right.
  
  Maybe try using you're instead of "you are".
  
  report back when you're done
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  "One Man's Ceiling is Another Man's Floor"
  
  "I Pay Less Attention to What Men Say. I Just Watch What They Do."
  
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  bigcullie 15 years ago
  
  Will do.
  
  and you are right, it does not flow, or it could flow much better.
  
  Thanks again, Gordon.
  
  Thanks
  
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Biden Banned 15 years ago

[DELETED]

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- bigcullie 15 years ago
  
  Benden,
  
  I know my squeeze page is not correct, that is why I asked for help.
  
  To say it is colorless is an answer I could get from my father.
  
  Stick your neck out and say why it is colorless, and suggest improvemnets that you would like to see. That is what is meant by a crit. But I am sure you did not mean it that way.
  
  Thanks Gordon.
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
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  aikay77 Banned 15 years ago
  
  Hi,
  
  Your headline is weak.
  
  Here's a suggesttion:
  
  ======================================
  
  Free report reveals...
  
  "How To Turn Pictures Sitting Around Lazily On
  Your HardDrive Into Cold, Hard Cash! And The
  Best Part Is...You Can Do It Again And Again"
  
  If you're looking for a way to make extra money
  especially during this period of reccession, this
  could be the answer you've been waiting for...
  
  ==========================================
  
  Ok, I think that's fine. In there I put in a kicker (i'd make
  that a 12 pint Arial font, bold and italics), the main
  headline (that should be 24 point Tahoma font, bold with
  the quotes intact) and a by line that should be 12 point
  Arial font, bold.
  
  Plus you forgot to introduce yourself!
  
  Would you download (even for free) an ebook you didn't
  know who was giving it away?
  
  I guess not.
  
  So add something like:
  
  ==========================================
  
  From the desk of: Your Name and Surname
  Subject: Turning your digital thrash into cash
  Date: Add a date script here
  
  ==========================================
  
  Then start with a kick-ass introduction.
  
  I guess this helps.
  
  Really I have some great ideas to help you design this, and
  set it up just right. If you need my help on this, send me a PM.
  I'll be glad to help.
  
  Good luck!
  
  Ronald
  
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bigcullie 15 years ago

Thanks Ronald,

Just the good solid advice I need. I have PM you to thank you in person and clarify one point.

Thanks again, Gordon.
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4deb 15 years ago

I've sent you a PM with thoughts and information. Best of luck to you Gordon
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bigcullie

15 years ago

Hi Deb, Your advice in my PM was absolutely spot on, as was Ronald's.

Untill I get it right, I have taken the website down, there is a lot I need to evaluate. This is actually good news, but it has set me back. It better knowing this now, before launch than after, but at least I am back on track. Thanks again, Gordon.

Thanks

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dlozen

Banned 15 years ago

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Ken Strong

15 years ago

Originally Posted by dlozen

Why would you take down the web site while you're working on perfection?

There's always a good chance that someone looking for your site will try to access it and wind up somewhere else. There goes a potential sale...

I really think that's a bad move...

Just one man's opinion.

I second that -- waiting for perfection is a common IM disease. You definitely won't make any money if your page is down. Might as well leave the old version up while you're working on it.

Thanks

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4deb 15 years ago

Best of luck with the changes you make. I'm glad I could help you out.

Kindly, Deb
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- Collette 15 years ago
  
  As you pointed out, Gordon, your writing skills are not your strongest point.
  
  So keep it simple. Just tell em what you got, and what they're going to receive when they ask for it.
  
  Don't waste your time struggling to create hypey MEGA-Headlines that scream "NOOB!". Just talk to your reader. Be real.
  
  There is so much hot air attached to most information product offers, that someone talking as though they actually gave a damn about bettering the lives of their readers is like opening the window to a cool Spring breeze.
  
  I'm assuming that this is a product which you've created, and that you have some chops to deliver the information. If so, you don't need to have 6-figure copywriter skills to get this off the ground.
  
  In fact, you'd be pleasantly surprised what a geniune, sincere offer can accomplish. People can tell when you believe that what you're offering can make their lives better - and when you're just trying to push a sale.
  
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bigcullie 15 years ago

Hi Ken and Dennis,

Your advice comes from the heart and I totally appreciate it. I know exectly what you mean, and agree with you.

There have been other circumstances why I should take the site down. If fact I have been put uder a lot of presure to take it down, by so called experts. However some of there attacks were true, and pointed out doubts that I was now comfortable with. Until those doubts have been clarified and resolved, the site never existed.

I will however use these attacks to help sell the eBook once it has been ammended.

Your support have very much been appreciated.

Thanks, Gordon.
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Please crit my squeeze page.

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