[Criqitue Wanted] I think this copy needs more flow, among other things...

Do you mean a better flow?

VL

Hey so - I personally think that you got the flow from the headline to the promise right... then you say :

"I’m sick of watching good guys struggle to talk to women, or be without a girlfriend because they aren’t where they should be socially."

I see you are trying to indirectly put yourself into your prospects shoes so that he feels like he connects with you but I don't think this would be something guys are REALLY concerned about.... maybe it's something more like not having confidence... or when to make a move... the BIGGEST problem that your prospect has. This way not only do you provide what your "article" is going to be about, but you'll keep the flow and interest going because now they can connect emotionally. Which naturally builds interest...

Next, you have :

"For the first time ever, I’ll be revealing the dating advice that you need to know to transform yourself into the confident, fit, social person I know you can be. What you need to know to get any girl."

This is decent copy and it could also be improved by adding deeper benefits that helps them eliminate their problem. Copy it and paste it on your notepad because it doesn't belong and could be in a better place...

what you need to do is provide PROOF of why you are the BEST person that can fix his problems because your first little paragraph has a huge claim, a BIG ASS promise of them getting any woman they want to go home with - now you have to provide proof to defuse their BS meters.... and follow that with why they should use your product - something like your USP or a Mechanism that makes your product different from the MILLIONS of other dating advice products out there.


Incase you need more help afterwards, the best thing I could say is to think like your prospect. Put yourself into their shoes, and really get into how you'd feel if you read a promise... you have anticipate what they think after every sentence and work your way through.


Hope that helps!

I am not sure about actually what you are trying to buy.
If you can tell us about that briefly then it would be easier for us.

Here is my real-time feedback (as I read through the letter...)

...Your headline and opening does NOT set the stage for immediately capturing people's attention or curiosity.

...You mention The Pipeline and the first thing that goes through my head is, "WTF?"

You need to make your brand identity and message evident in the header, woven through the headline and introduced in the way you initially trigger your prospect's emotions in the circumstances you illuminate. In other words, you fail to come across as someone who is an authority in the "pick up" market.

...So I get to the part where it says: "The secret to becoming confident, fit, and living the exciting life you want is . . ."

...and I'm at a loss for who your ideal customer is.

Are you talking to men who want to learn how to become pick-up artists? (That's what I assume, but you could be trying to reach all kinds of different men in the dating markets...)

Is your copy supposed to appeal to men looking for women to date? Long term relationships? Marriage? Soul mate?

Hmmmm....

And you haven't pre-qualified why being fit matters.

After all...

I'm far from a fit guy. I'm not fat mind you, but I certainly don't compare to muscle-heads or gym rats who spend all their time buffing up their bodies to impress women.

And I NEVER had a problem picking up women (in my single days...)

Moving on...

"Small changes in how you live and view your life, can have dramatic effects on how you’re viewed socially, and because of that, you can own the social life that you want.
...You're talking about mindset in the above quote and it doesn't come through at all.

You lose me horribly.

...In your initial bullets, you're hitting what I consider multiple marketplaces, niches and sub-niches.

I understand why they are relevant, but you didn't succeed in conveying WHY all of those components are important to command in unison. It's too broad.

"What makes this different from ‘Pick Up Artist’ manuals?"

...Okay, so it's a pick-up artist product. Good to know.

...I just scanned the rest.

Your brand doesn't come through.

Your most consequential message doesn't come through.

The organization needs to be redone, but first, you need to become crystal clear in what your market wants, how they feel, what circumstances their experiencing en-masse.. and more effectively communicate their deepest desires.

You're not getting dirty enough.

Be more provocative.

Take your time setting the stage.

Again...

Brand, brand, brand...

Mark Pescetti

P.S. I agree with Andrew. Get yourself hooked up with OptimizePress. Create a REAL header. Design your brand and color scheme to resonate with your market.