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This copy needs "serious" critique...

by Kalednet
13 replies
Hi Warriors,

I must say that copywriting is a true art (or a science?), and if you're a copywriter then you're my hero. Because I spent the past week trying to do something about my sale letter to improve it... and it's really hard to come up with a good headline, benefits list, a clear promise... etc. :confused:

I hired 3 copywriters. The first one drafted the copy, the others "tweaked it".

Click here to see the current copy I'm using now.

I got some sales and was happy with it.

Then I decided that I want a "short" copy. Based on feedback from some of my friends. They said it's toooo long, they won't read it.

So I tried to shorten the copy myself, and added new headlines, features and benefits myself. I'm not a copywriter.

Click here to see the short copy.

Please help with the following:

If you are the owner of this product;

1) which copy would you initially decide to use
2) what you're gonna improve
3) what's the marketing message you would use
4) what's the top benefits you would stress
5) how would you present the solution

And any comments you want to add, please go ahead.

Thaaaanks in advance.
#copy #critique #serious
  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    Hi Kaled,

    Not easy to say this - but neither of them are good.

    If I had to choose - the second one (better headline and copy).

    With the greatest respect - and if I'm wrong I sincerely apologise to you and them.

    It looks like you've hired cheap copywriters.

    And - you get what you paid for.

    To be fair they've tried, and you've had some sales. But you are not happy.

    To be fair to us if we answered all your questions you would have a complete promo.

    You do need another rewrite to really boost the response.

    You might save some money by working very closely with this link and writing the "right" version yourself.

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html


    Steve
    Signature
    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author Kalednet
    Thanks Steve, the copywriter charged around $500. Then another copywriter tweaked it for $300. It's not that cheap, right?
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    The original copy reads more like a college essay than a sales letter.

    You should just scrap this sales letter...the first half of the letter is just plain meandering like a river...going nowhere fast.

    Hire a good copywriter to do a new salesletter...that's your answer.

    Your shorter copy is better but still requires a lot of work.

    You need to format it like a letter to create better rapport with your prospects.

    You need some serious collar-grabbing bullets.

    You need a lot more emotion in your letter.

    But it's definitely an improvement.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kalednet
    OMG!
    I was planning to launch the product this week.
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  • Profile picture of the author ThomasOMalley
    Originally Posted by Kalednet View Post

    Hi Warriors,

    I must say that copywriting is a true art (or a science?), and if you're a copywriter then you're my hero. Because I spent the past week trying to do something about my sale letter to improve it... and it's really hard to come up with a good headline, benefits list, a clear promise... etc. :confused:

    I hired 3 copywriters. The first one drafted the copy, the others "tweaked it".

    Click here to see the current copy I'm using now.

    I got some sales and was happy with it.

    Then I decided that I want a "short" copy. Based on feedback from some of my friends. They said it's toooo long, they won't read it.

    So I tried to shorten the copy myself, and added new headlines, features and benefits myself. I'm not a copywriter.

    Click here to see the short copy.

    Please help with the following:

    If you are the owner of this product;

    1) which copy would you initially decide to use
    2) what you're gonna improve
    3) what's the marketing message you would use
    4) what's the top benefits you would stress
    5) how would you present the solution

    And any comments you want to add, please go ahead.

    Thaaaanks in advance.
    You're a little ambitious with your questions. If we answered all these questions properly, we would be entitled to ownership of the product and all profits...LOL.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kalednet
    LOL

    Thanks man. You're right that was too many. I didn't thought it is that bad, so I decided to ask specific questions.
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Originally Posted by Kalednet View Post

    If you are the owner of this product;

    1) which copy would you initially decide to use
    2) what you're gonna improve
    3) what's the marketing message you would use
    4) what's the top benefits you would stress
    5) how would you present the solution
    If I was the product owner I'd have thoroughly researched the market and prospects before creating the product, so I'd already know what people want and the language they use to describe it.

    Split-test, make your marketing data-driven, not opinion-driven.

    I wouldn't improve either. I'd scrap them and start again.

    To know what marketing message to use, the benefits to stress, and how to present your solution, you need to research - you need to know your market and prospects inside out.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author phpseomaster
    where did you hire a copywriter ?
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Ugh. Who do you think is interested in what you're selling? That's the main question.

    Both are pretty generic and bland. Both have ineffective headlines.

    What does this statement mean? 10s of SMART? I don't get that.
    Replace Bad Habits with 10′s of SMART Habits...
    I get the idea but it's confusing. Don't put confusing stuff in your copy.

    Identify your audience and then write to them. Rather than the bland headlines you have now, speak to a common problem people in your target group have. Procrastination maybe. Lack of confidence. Motivation.

    There are a few items in there (both) that might be salvaged but not until you decide who you're trying to reach. I know you've spent good money for these but I doubt you're going to see much in the way of a return the way they stand.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kalednet
    Originally Posted by phpseomaster View Post

    where did you hire a copywriter ?
    Based on recommendations, one from the project manager, and one recommended by the "guru" who taught me how to create membership sites.

    Originally Posted by Ken_Caudill View Post

    A sales letter is not the answer.

    Why would you use a sales letter unless you're selling by direct mail?
    I mean the online copy :-)

    Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

    Ugh. Who do you think is interested in what you're selling? That's the main question.

    Both are pretty generic and bland. Both have ineffective headlines.

    What does this statement mean? 10s of SMART? I don't get that.
    Replace Bad Habits with 10′s of SMART Habits...
    I get the idea but it's confusing. Don't put confusing stuff in your copy.

    Identify your audience and then write to them. Rather than the bland headlines you have now, speak to a common problem people in your target group have. Procrastination maybe. Lack of confidence. Motivation.

    There are a few items in there (both) that might be salvaged but not until you decide who you're trying to reach. I know you've spent good money for these but I doubt you're going to see much in the way of a return the way they stand.
    Ouch! It wasn't me buddy it was the copywriter.

    Yes I agree. It's general. The idea was to make it general to be of interest to a lot of people in the "personal development" market.

    travlinguy, Ken_Caudill, and Andrew: thanks a lot, indeed.
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    • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
      Originally Posted by Kalednet View Post

      Based on recommendations, one from the project manager, and one recommended by the "guru" who taught me how to create membership sites.



      I mean the online copy :-)



      Ouch! It wasn't me buddy it was the copywriter.

      Yes I agree. It's general. The idea was to make it general to be of interest to a lot of people in the "personal development" market.

      travlinguy, Ken_Caudill, and Andrew: thanks a lot, indeed.
      First, don't take it personally. I actually went pretty easy on the copywriter. Id say anyone calling themselves a copywriter should understand one of the foundational principals of marketing. That is, you can't appeal to everyone. If you're talking to a writer and s/he doesn't tell you that he's either unqualified or just looking for a quick fee. Personal development is a massive field.

      Here's a little nugget most people don't realize. All maladaptive human behavior stems from a single issue. A lack of self esteem. Every last person living has self esteem issues. Obviously, the bigger the issue, the more help the individual needs.

      But you'd be hard pressed to have any significant success selling stuff on fixing self esteem because most people don't even know what it is. And for the ones who do, or think they do, they take great offense to strangers telling them something's wrong with it.

      So instead you need to look at the symptoms of a lack of self esteem. Those are everywhere and most people will acknowledge (at least privately or subconsciously) there are problems. So if you're in the business of selling personal development courses you need to identify a single issue people have. Motivation is pretty common. Confidence is another biggie. Procrastination is another. For each issue you can actually do research on how many people are interested in getting help with it.

      The funny thing is, the "cure" or fix is pretty much the same for all human problems. The only thing the product creator needs to do is recognize that and tailor the product to address the specific problem.

      Anyway, you need to be far more specific in targeting your market. Then you can write (or have someone who's actually qualified to write) a pitch that people will identify with. That's what you want... a headline where the reader says, ah, finally. Something for me. Until you do that you're going to be floundering. Good luck.
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      • Profile picture of the author Kalednet
        travlinguy,

        I respect your opinion, and understand your point... something must be done regarding the targeting and positioning of this product.

        Thanks for sharing your valuable thoughts.

        K.
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