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What Do You think of this headline?

by Ahmed Auf
16 replies
"Discover The 3 Steps System Designed By a 21 Year Old Engineering Student That Allowed Him To Score 427 Subscribers Onto His List and 135 Sales In 12 Hours Without Solo Ads, Adswaps or Paid Traffic"

Does it have too much going on?
#headline
  • Profile picture of the author ShutupAndEarn
    Too much going on. For starters maybe put 21 year old student. I don't think engineering matters. It needs to be compressed.
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    I think "Engineering" can stay because it's specific - but it's not absolutely vital.

    Put a power word before "3 Step System"

    Steps should be Step or it jars the flow. And you can take out all the uneccessary words.

    Even "onto his list" but I left it in - because you want to show the "list" building potential.

    And put the headline on 4 lines to make it readable.

    It would be good to say how much money the sales made.


    "Discover The Easy 3 Step System Designed By a 21 Year Old Engineering Student

    It Scored 427 Subscribers Onto His List

    And 135 Sales In Under 12 Hours

    Without Solo Ads, Adswaps or Paid Traffic!"



    Remember you can also use pre-heads and sub-headlines - to target your audience, create curiosity, add credibility, build more benefits etc. etc.

    You don't have to stick with just a main headline.


    Steve
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    • Profile picture of the author No Bullshit Articles
      The short answer is it's too long.

      You are trying to say too much. You have less than 10 seconds to catch the visitor's attention or their gone....and likely never coming back.

      Here's a tip: Focus on expressing the benefit to the reader. For the most part, that's the only thing that will keep people reading. The goal is to keep them scrolling/using the scroll bar. As long as they're using the scroll bar, they'll eventually get down to the action you want them to take (buy, opt-in, etc.)

      People/consumers in general are all about themselves. What's in it for "me" is the mentality. Zero-in on this and you'll be fine.

      I hope that helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author sabinavarga
    There are too many numbers, it's overwhelming. Shortening it a bit wouldn't hurt either. Try to think of what's essential to leave in the headline and what's not (you could maybe leave out "Without Solo Ads, Adswaps or Paid Traffic"?). Breaking it up into a headline and a subhead would also be a solution to keep all the info but make it more readable.
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  • Profile picture of the author kasei
    There are too many numbers that will probably make it to heavy on the ones trying to read it. And probably you should try to make it shorter.
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  • Profile picture of the author RedShifted
    I have a question for the more experienced copywriters as this is something I've always wondered about.

    If you are young, and put your age in the headline, won't that trigger a lot of resistance? Aren't people extremely bias to a young age? Because I see it everyday in the real world so I don't see how copy would be any different.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by RedShifted View Post

      I have a question for the more experienced copywriters as this is something I've always wondered about.

      If you are young, and put your age in the headline, won't that trigger a lot of resistance? Aren't people extremely bias to a young age? Because I see it everyday in the real world so I don't see how copy would be any different.

      Used in the right context, it can hit a strong nerve in the reader.

      First some examples...

      One Legged Golfer Humiliates Pros...

      15 Year Old Lydia Ko Wins Golf Open...

      3 legged cat finds home after 150 mile trek

      Stay at home mom of 7 makes more
      money than Lawyers, Doctors and Airline Pilots

      It's about dramatizing feats that more able people haven't achieved.

      The hero against the odds.

      The underdog.

      It's a great newsworthy story and works well for ads too,
      if you've got something so strong.

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        It's about dramatizing feats that more able people haven't achieved.
        Plus, by showing an underdog was capable of getting whatever result the pitch promises it helps the prospect believe they can achieve it too. (You can also do the same thing by using testimonials/case studies of people who were in a far worse condition than your average prospect.)

        And that's always something you always want to be doing as making your prospect believe your claims is one thing, making them believe they can do it is another, far harder, thing.
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        Andrew Gould

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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post


          And that's always something you always want to be doing as making your prospect believe your claims is one thing, making them believe they can do it is another, far harder, thing.
          \
          Thanks for expanding on that vital piece I missed out.

          Best,
          Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    ....alright if we go short - then

    "This System
    Scored 427 Subscribers
    And 135 Sales In Under 12 Hours"


    Still too long and too many numbers? - Ok - try

    "This System
    Made 135 Sales In Under 12 Hours"


    The point is - it can be as long or as short as it needs to be.

    To get the right message across.

    And the only way to really find out - is to test different headlines.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    @Red

    You do need to research your target audience.

    This gives you the "ideal" profile.

    Hopefully Ahmed has done this and found his audience is in the 19 - 25 age range.

    Yes, he could have "credibility" problems if his target audience was in the 45 - 55 age range.


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Here's my simple, benefit-and-curiosity take:

    My simple 3-step system produced:

    427 Subscribers...
    127 Sales...
    In Under 12 Hours...

    Without spending a single cent on traffic, read on to find out how...
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    It's good.

    I would use it.

    Steve


    P.S. In the first paragraph in the body copy I would say how much money the sales made.

    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author codingku
    it's too long for a headline
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    - Kung fu Games

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