My first sales letter for my first hot product. Critique please

Andrew Gould

12 years ago

I'm gonna be blunt:

The writing's terrible, it's beyond a critique.

You need to work with a professional.

Thanks
1 reply

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Andrew Gould

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Davidstarz 12 years ago

Originally Posted by Andrew Gould

I'm gonna be blunt:

The writing's terrible, it's beyond a critique.

You need to work with a professional.

Thanks Andrew. However is it the sales letter you are referring to or my grammatical errors.
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- Andrew Gould 12 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by kelvindavid222
  
  Thanks Andrew. However is it the sales letter you are referring to or my grammatical errors.
  
  Both - at the very least you need to simplify the pitch as Steve suggests and work with someone who can transform your writing into flowing, conversational English.
  
  [ 2 ] Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Andrew Gould
  
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ThomasOMalley

12 years ago

I would definitely be worried about reducing your conversion rate since you won't have one with this mess.

You need a real copywriter to write your sales letter.

I agree with Andrew on this one.

Thanks

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TheSalesBooster

12 years ago

Andrew stated the obvious problem.

But I think there is another issue that needs to be addressed here that doesn't really have to do with copywriting...

Before you decide you want to hire a professional. I think you need ask yourself if this is the right market for you.

You're trying to launch a product in one of the biggest health markets and you got some major problems ahead of you...

You obviously need professional help, but... the kind of help you need would have to be from a 5 star copywriter. Selling an acne cure by selling a book is something that's going to be very hard to do.

In a niche dominated by big brands selling creams, you're little 'book' would have to come up with some pretty bold claims and some proof to back it up. (Which I don't see much of on your sales page).

You should really think twice if you want to get into this market. Unless your product is something absolutely amazing and you have the proof to back it up I'd say forget about it. Maybe recoup your losses and sell it to someone with the know how and resources to take it over.

Now if you do have the resources (aka a lot of money) you could give it a shot, but from what I'm seeing on your sales page. I'm guessing your product is some knock off / PLR filled content? If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but I don't see any unique value there that isn't already being offered somewhere else.

If I'm right, drop everything and save your money. Unless you can find a good copywriter and the copywriter needed to create a pitch to sell your product will not be cheap.

Thanks
1 reply

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Davidstarz

12 years ago

Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster

Andrew stated the obvious problem.

But I think there is another issue that needs to be addressed here that doesn't really have to do with copywriting...

Before you decide you want to hire a professional. I think you need ask yourself if this is the right market for you.

You're trying to launch a product in one of the biggest health markets and you got some major problems ahead of you...

You obviously need professional help, but... the kind of help you need would have to be from a 5 star copywriter. Selling an acne cure by selling a book is something that's going to be very hard to do.

In a niche dominated by big brands selling creams, you're little 'book' would have to come up with some pretty bold claims and some proof to back it up. (Which I don't see much of on your sales page).

You should really think twice if you want to get into this market. Unless your product is something absolutely amazing and you have the proof to back it up I'd say forget about it. Maybe recoup your losses and sell it to someone with the know how and resources to take it over.

Now if you do have the resources (aka a lot of money) you could give it a shot, but from what I'm seeing on your sales page. I'm guessing your product is some knock off / PLR filled content? If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but I don't see any unique value there that isn't already being offered somewhere else.

If I'm right, drop everything and save your money. Unless you can find a good copywriter and the copywriter needed to create a pitch to sell your product will not be cheap.

Thanks for the reply. I will like to reassure you that the product is very original and it was 100 percent written by us. PLR articles, no way.

Concerning the acne niche, we knew it was very big however we feel something like this will definetly break in at some point and we feel with our product, we can give it a shot.

We have just one big competitor out there which I think we can win easily based on the quality of our product. Our competitor is on clickbank and we are also getting on clickbank soon when we get everything right. By doing this, we think we can will a large number of affiliate promoting our competitor's product (he has big and well established affiliates) and gradually take over from him. Although it's a huge task before us.

Thanks
2 replies

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DanielDamian 12 years ago

77$ instead of 97$ isn't such a big deal. Most of the landing pages I know give you a real offer and makes you not to refuse it.

Take a look at the tips from the next article: unbounce.com/landing-page-examples/your-landing-page-sucks/
- Thanks
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ewenmack

12 years ago

Kelvin, here's the deal,

Think of those 2 minute pitch informercials put on by Billy May.

You've got 2 minutes and no more and you got to pay huge money up front to air it on TV...

You are going to do something different than what you've got...right?

Because until you acknowledge you've got a problem and that
you should be learning from hundreds of millions of sales those informercials made,
then you are lost.

Sorry.

To follow their lead, you get the reader to acknowledge he/she has a problem...
not the obvious one, but what they've tried hasn't worked.

Example..."You probably hate how all those pills, potions and diets haven't cleared away your acne...right?

You've hit the readers emotional hot spot with that problem and got them agreeing.

Am I right..or am I right?

Next step is to give a dramatic demonstration that creates a wow!

Use before and after photos... use the longest years suffered, the things that had been tried and failed...then how quickly your solution solved the problem.

Get as many of those as you can.

The tougher and longer the suffering the better.

They are your demonstration of problem solving.

Next you tell her the reason why this works better than anything on the market is...blank.

Next you give the price.

Follow up with the bonuses if they order now, they will get this...blank.

Then to sweeten the deal even more they will get...blank

A total value double or triple the original price.

Then say you carry all risk, because you will buy it back from her for a full 90 days, should she think the packaging is the wrong color!

That's the bare bones of a 2 minute pitch which has sold hundreds of millions of stuff
with 2 minutes.

Copy their success.

Best,
Ewen

P.S. If a product is pitched to those TV pitchmen,
the first thing they want to see is can they create a dramatic demonstration of solving a problem
that would cause a WOW!

I think yours can just scrape in.

Thanks
1 reply

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Davidstarz

12 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Kelvin, here's the deal,

Think of those 2 minute pitch informercials put on by Billy May.

You've got 2 minutes and no more and you got to pay huge money up front to air it on TV...

You are going to something different than what you've got...right?

Because until you acknowledge you've got a problem and that
you should be learning from hundreds of millions of sales those informercials made,
then you are lost.

Sorry.

To follow their lead, you get the reader to acknowledge he/she has a problem...
not the obvious one, but what they've tried hasn't worked.

Example..."You probably hate how all those pills, potions and diets haven't cleared away your acne...right?

You've hit the readers emotional hot spot with that problem and got them agreeing.

Am I right..or am I right?

Next step is to give a dramatic demonstration that creates a wow!

Use before and after photos... use the longest years suffered, the things that had been tried and failed...then how quickly your solution solved the problem.

Get as many of those as you can.

The tougher and longer the suffering the better.

They are your demonstration of problem solving.

Next you tell her the reason why this works better than anything on the market is...blank.

Next you give the price.

Follow up with the bouesses if they order now, they will get this...blank.

Then to sweeten the deal even more they will get...blank

A total value double or triple the original price.

Then say you carry all risk, because you will buy it back from her for a full 90 days, should she think the packaging is the wrong color!

That's the bare bones of a 2 minute pitch which has sold hundreds of millions of stuff
with 2 minutes.

Copy their success.

Best,
Ewen

P.S. If a product is pitched to those TV pitchmen,
the first thing they want to see is can they create a dramatic demonstration of solving a problem
that would cause a WOW!

I think yours can just scrape in.

Excellent post, it seems to me that you are very familiar with the acne niche.

Can you give me an email where I can contact you. Meanwhile I will definitely follw your advice.

Thanks
1 reply

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ewenmack

12 years ago

Originally Posted by kelvindavid222

Excellent post, it seems to me that you are very familiar with the acne niche.

Can you give me an email where I can contact you. Meanwhile I will definitely follw your advice.

manlymedianet at hot mail

Typed it out this way to stop spam harvesters.

Best,
Ewen

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

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Davidstarz 12 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

manlymedianet at hot mail

Typed it out this way to stop spam harvesters.

Best,
Ewen

Hi Ewen, I sent an important message to your email above. Please check it out, and give me a feedback as soon as possible.

Thanks.

Kelvin David
- Thanks
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Davidstarz 12 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

manlymedianet at hot mail

Typed it out this way to stop spam harvesters.

Best,
Ewen

Hi Ewen, I sent an important message to your email above. Please check it out, and give me a feedback as soon as possible.

I sent the message from my email Kelvindavid83 at yahoo.com

Thanks.

Kelvin David
- Thanks
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nick111

12 years ago

As an acne sufferer myself, Im kinda skeptical on all the promises being made on the sales letter.

It doesn't intrigue me in wanting to purchase, it honestly bores me with all the text on what you will do and it looks like all the other products i've tried with the same promises and false claims.

Not saying your product doesn't work.

But as someone who has looked for "the cure" I've seen so many products with the same claims and i don't know if yours is different than those.

Convince your buyer this product is not like the one they purchased before and didn't work.

Good luck!

Thanks
1 reply

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Davidstarz

12 years ago

Originally Posted by nick111

As an acne sufferer myself, Im kinda skeptical on all the promises being made on the sales letter.

It doesn't intrigue me in wanting to purchase, it honestly bores me with all the text on what you will do and it looks like all the other products i've tried with the same promises and false claims.

Not saying your product doesn't work.

But as someone who has looked for "the cure" I've seen so many products with the same claims and i don't know if yours is different than those.

Convince your buyer this product is not like the one they purchased before and didn't work.

Good luck!

Please can you suggest something that can help convinve potential acne sufferers to purchase it.

Thanks

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ewenmack

12 years ago

Kelvin, you've got a very rough diamond there...
it just needs cutting and polishing.

You've got proof points
and now we need to intensify them and remove the
readers doubts and anxiety.

Plus re-organize the layout because it's out of sequence.

Not everybody is going to see the potential here.
I do.

Contact me if you want assistance.

Best,
Ewen

Originally Posted by kelvindavid222

This is acutally my first time of writing a sales letter. I did it all by myself because I think I will be able to express myself better than the person I hire to do it.

The sales letter is for my new and first product that I have been working on for more than one year now.

Before we start any promoting, testing and marketing, we want to be sure that we got everything right so as not to reduce our conversion rate. Due to this, I need honest reviews, feedback and critisims for our sales page.

Please don't also forget to also consider our salespage and product designs and also the price of our product.

If you have any suggestion that can help us make it better please do not hesisitate to tell us.

Our sales page website is Acne Is Over™ System Package - Get Rid of Acne Permanently

Thanks.

Thanks

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Quality Copywriter

12 years ago

Hey there

Fair play to you on coming up with a product in a niche that is hungry for a solution.

If you want to write the letter yourself I would suggest at least following a structure for a sales letter.

You can pic them up very easily online for free.

Here's one quick tip to start with - dont hit them with the product straight away.

imagine your selling something to someone face to face. would you whip out your product straight away or would you hang back and at least strike up a conversion.?

Thanks

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Steve The Copywriter

12 years ago

Hi Kelvin,

There is a good "pitch" hidden in the rubble of your piece.

It just looks like you've thrown everything and the kitchen sink into it.

And then shaken it upside down and inside out.

It's too frantic.

Before you rush off and hire a copywriter.

Rewrite it yourself.

Just calm it all down.

Closely follow this checklist -

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html

Use this copywriting formula-

Problem - Agitate the problem - Give The solution - Prove it works - Give a guarantee - Make an irresistible offer

Make your points with impact. Repeat when necessary. But don't bang on and on about them or hype them up.

(an example - you said "Finally!! Finally!! Finally!! - when all you have to say is - Finally)

Make the layout easy to read.

Then post the new version.

It'll be so much easier for us to critique and fix it up even more for you.

Steve

Thanks

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Davidstarz

12 years ago

Thanks for all your replies. I will get back to work right away and fix it.

I will notify you guys when am through.
Once again thanks for your suggestions.

Kelvin

Thanks

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kittyluver

12 years ago

your sales letter is tooo long in addition to grammatical error. Please work with a pro...

Thanks

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BrianMcLeod

12 years ago

How does Guthy-Renker rake in $830MM a year in the acne market with ProActiv?

That's where you ought to be spending your "modeling" time, IMO.

Here's a few clues: celebrity endorsements/spokespeople supported by "real people" endorsements/case-studies; educational product packaging that compels consumption/positive results = reorders through the roof; beautiful design/visual appeal (this IS vanity we're dealing with...)

Good luck with it,

Brian

Thanks
1 reply

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Brian McLeod

Direct Response Copywriting

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Davidstarz

12 years ago

Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod

How does Guthy-Renker rake in $830MM a year in the acne market with ProActiv?

That's where you ought to be spending your "modeling" time, IMO.

Here's a few clues: celebrity endorsements/spokespeople supported by "real people" endorsements/case-studies; educational product packaging that compels consumption/positive results = reorders through the roof; beautiful design/visual appeal (this IS vanity we're dealing with...)

Good luck with it,

Brian

Can you expantiate a bit more.
Thanks

Thanks

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 12 years ago

Train wreck. With a BIG credibility problem. "Tested and Approved" - by whom? "Researched" - ditto. "Top Professional Dermatologists and Naturopaths" - who are they? "Susan Jones, Dermatologist" - where is her practice? What are her credentials?

The testimonials look totally fake.

The cherry on the cake is the 6 "Bonuses" used in a desperate bid to get sales.

And this bold claim will get you into trouble with FDA/FTC - "The Acne Is Over™ system package is the safest, most natural and the most powerful and effective way to permanently stop and get rid of any type of acne."

Take "Fingers" advice here -

How does Guthy-Renker rake in $830MM a year in the acne market with ProActiv?

That's where you ought to be spending your "modeling" time, IMO.

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

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Davidstarz

12 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

Train wreck. With a BIG credibility problem. "Tested and Approved" - by whom? "Researched" - ditto. "Top Professional Dermatologists and Naturopaths" - who are they? "Susan Jones, Dermatologist" - where is her practice? What are her credentials?

The testimonials look totally fake.

The cherry on the cake is the 6 "Bonuses" used in a desperate bid to get sales.

And this bold claim will get you into trouble with FDA/FTC - "The Acne Is Over6¾4 system package is the safest, most natural and the most powerful and effective way to permanently stop and get rid of any type of acne."

Take "Fingers" advice here -

Before you continue talking like you know better about the sales letter, I think you should check how others in the acne niche are writing their sales letter.

Like I said earlier, this is my first letter. I haven't done this before. You are trying to say I am over-hyping our product, but have you also forgotten about IM products like make so so amount in one month. Tell me how they wrote their sales letter. If they did not hype or raise their voice about the product, will they ever sell.

What am doing right now is trying to fix the sales letter from the scratch.

Lastly please never remind me of all those proactiv scams because I know better than you in all those areas. If gary makes more than $1 billion a year with proactiv, he should continue however he should remember that about 70% of the customers he is bringing in for proactiv have not and may never get the result they want.

I know this because I have been there too and I know they are all scams.

With the way you are talkin, am not sure you even read all part of the sales letter to show how the Acne Is Over System will help get rid of acne.

Thanks
1 reply

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 12 years ago

Originally Posted by kelvindavid222

Before you continue talking like you know better about the sales letter, I think you should check how others in the acne niche are writing their sales letter.

"Talking like you know better". Uh - Dude...I know what I'm talking about. I doubt very much that you do.

Like I said earlier, this is my first letter. I haven't done this before.

Painfully obvious. Me - yeah I've done a couple of salesletters.

You are trying to say I am over-hyping our product,

Not at all. I'm saying you're full of sh*t.

but have you also forgotten about IM products like make so so amount in one month. Tell me how they wrote their sales letter. If they did not hype or raise their voice about the product, will they ever sell.

There's a "sea-change" coming. It's called "the truth". You're admitting your page is full of BS.

What am doing right now is trying to fix the sales letter from the scratch.

So listen to those who know better than you.

Lastly please never remind me of all those proactiv scams because I know better than you in all those areas. If gary makes more than $1 billion a year with proactiv, he should continue however he should remember that about 70% of the customers he is bringing in for proactiv have not and may never get the result they want.

I know this because I have been there too and I know they are all scams.

And you're joining them.

With the way you are talkin, am not sure you even read all part of the sales letter to show how the Acne Is Over System will help get rid of acne.

Yeah I read it all. Unfortunately. And it's crap

"I did it all by myself "

Thanks
1 reply

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Davidstarz 12 years ago

Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi

"I did it all by myself "

So you think you are the perfect person that can say anything to anybody.

I doubt if you are really human or a spam bot who comes here feeling like a king.

Just hear yourself- 'I have done a couple of salesletters'. There is no pride in it and it shows that they did not turn out as expected.

You said I am also joining in the scamming. My customers get what is stated on the website and they also have a money-back guarantee. So what more do I have to prove to you.

Besides who is even more of a scam to you? Proactiv or my treatment. I know you are wise enough to figure out the right answer.

You said am full of shit, but I will tell you that this is my job, it is what I learn and it is what I do. Therefore, you can come here and lecture me on the subject.

Just stick to the job you are given to do and allow other members to have their say.

I even doubt if people give you jobs with the way you are acting.

This is the last time I will ever talk about this with you.

I don't care what you think or say about me anymore. You are on your own.

From now on, silence is the best answer for you.

You can continue bragging, talking and shouting if you want. I won't stop you.
- Thanks
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RickDuris

12 years ago

There are lots of MAJOR copywriting problems to overcome as others have accurately pointed out.

Here's one thing to consider: even if you get the copy firing on all cylinders, here's the one thing that'll suppress conversions:

Your 'system', your info-products, look too hard to do. Looks like they'll take a long time. Painfully slow to see results. When I see things like 'supplements,' I hear 'expensive.'

Again, even if you change phrases like "Reduce redness in less than 7 days" to something better.

Unfortunately, just thinking about your products makes me think "Man, this is a lot of work."

To the point: Your product offer isn't irresistible--even if it was free.

- Rick Duris

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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Davidstarz

12 years ago

Originally Posted by RickDuris

There are lots of MAJOR copywriting problems to overcome as others have accurately pointed out.

Here's one thing to consider: even if you get the copy firing on all cylinders, here's the one thing that'll suppress conversions:

Your 'system', your info-products, look too hard to do. Looks like they'll take a long time. Painfully slow to see results. When I see things like 'supplements,' I hear 'expensive.'

Again, even if you change phrases like "Reduce redness in less than 7 days" to something better.

Unfortunately, just thinking about your products makes me think "Man, this is a lot of work."

To the point: Your product offer isn't irresistible--even if it was free.

- Rick Duris

Well the treatment is not for every one.

What I will just say here is that if you are the type that have really suffered from acne, then you won't think twice.

Think of it yourself. I am not talking of just occasional zits, I am talking about cysts that extend deep into the skin.

Also think of yourself having a damged skin with scarring and you still have persistent acne breakouts. I am very sure that you will stongly consider this type of treatment as against individual products or drugs that don't really work.

This treatment is not just going to help your acne, it will also improve your overall health condition. That is the idea; you are killing two birds with one stone.

You said supplements are expensive but have you also forgotten that they were created for a purpose.
When someone is diagnosed with disease and he/she is required to use supplements, will they insists because they are expensive. I guess your answer is as good as mine.

As for the sales letter, I am working on it now however do you think I should still hire a copyrighter to go over it.

Thanks.

Thanks
1 reply

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RickDuris 12 years ago

Originally Posted by kelvindavid222

As for the sales letter, I am working on it now however do you think I should still hire a copyrighter to go over it.

Yes, I think you would be well served hiring a copywriter, especially if you want the webpage to convert.
- Thanks
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stellaex

12 years ago

My dear with such a long explanation you can write a book
But I am anxious , others don’t have much time to squander on reading and your intention will not be fulfilled

• Try to give main points in bullets
• Add some video of patient who get cured by your product

This will give constructive blurb to your product

Thanks

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Steve The Copywriter

12 years ago

Kelvin,

Calm down.

And do a bit of research. Look at The Copy Nazi's post count.

You might not like the name, or what he says but he is a pro - copywriter.

With decades of experience. His comments on thread 21 were deadly accurate.

You asked for a critique - (knowing it's an internet forum) - so it can't be a huge surprise that you are going to get a range of replies.

Some friendly, others a bit gruff and many on the harsh side (to say the least...).

But they are all designed to help you.

It's your money we are trying to save - by not having you spend a mint on traffic on a piece that won't work.

It's your reputation that Mal (the copy nazi) was trying to save by not getting you in deep water with the FDA/FTC.

And we are all trying to make you money - by doing what it takes to make your sales pitch work.

Making sure - as you would want - that it's got all the right copywriting techniques and it's legal, decent, honest and truthful.

Steve

Thanks

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The Copy Nazi

Banned 12 years ago

Anyone wonder why I don't bother commenting much anymore? LOL. Or as others have said..."this place".

Funny part is...if the OP shut up and listened...and learnt...he'd start making money.

Yeah dude - I've done "a couple" of salesletters. They were shockers. Totally bombed. In fact I'm so broke I need to borrow a couple of bucks to put gas in the Benz.

Anyone help me out? ...anyone? Will work for food. Or gas.

In fact I think I'll start writing articles. I've heard there's a good quid in that.

Thanks

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My first sales letter for my first hot product. Critique please

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