My first Sales Page ever: A trainwreck?

Looks ok. I think the headline is bloated but that doesn't
mean it won't work for you. Put it on the market and see
if people buy. Test different prices too.

Hi Sean,

Looks fine to me except that a couple of things don't seem quite right.

Before I nitpick I want to congratulate you on your DJ'ing success and also on really nailing the whole "caterpillar sprouts wings" type of sales letter writing. You sell the lifestyle, not just the money, and you do one hell of a great job telling your story. Way to go!

One thing undermines your credibility:
Whoa whoa whoa... up till then I thought the whole letter was about you DO make good money. But now you say you DON'T make good money? Huh?

I also find it confusing that you say free, then you say $97.
And I'm also confused about whether you will ship DVD's, or if this is an online subscription.
I think it would be easier to understand if you don't say free, you do build up a lot of value so you can say "only $97." Don't refer to your transaction and download costs, that's your business to build in to your pricing... McDonald's doesn't charge 99 cents, then another 15 cents for your share of their electrical bill and another 3 cents for the oil used for your fries! Say it's only $97, then BLOW AWAY your prospects with their FREE personal consultation on you if they order right away -- but you'll take that off the table in one week because you only want to consult with fast-acting go-getters.

Oh, typo: "schedual" a time. Get a proofreader to double check the spelling and punctuation.

And you should repeat the order link again at the end.

I think you might have great success doing a joint venture with dating/lifestyle gurus like Mystery Method.

Regards,
Allen

I am 24 year old Male, so I think I would be a good example of your target market. Here are my insights:

I read sales letters all day long. I have read thousands of Sales Letters, and my top 5 favorites are:

NicheBlueprint, CommissionBlueprint, DJKNemesis, HypnoticMarketing, and WildSEO.

Search google to find their letters.

I think it would be a great advantage for you to read these letters, and copy them as much as possible. To help you out, ill give you some pointers:

1. The links at the top of the page need to be removed. In a Sales Letter, you do not want to give the customer many options to click different places. The only "Clickable" Links in your letter should be your "Buy Now" buttons, and the links at the very bottom for your Privacy Policy, Terms of Service, Contact Us, and Legal Disclaimer.

2. Your headline really caught my attention, and made me want to read your letter; however, in all of the sales letters I have read, they all have the little intro at the top in Black Font, and the big bold headline in Red Font. You may want to try that...

3. Another good idea would be to use a WARNING:, STOP:, ETC, before your little intro such as WARNING:If you are NOT interested in becoming a DJ, and living like a rockstar, please leave this website now....

4. It would be more personal if after your headline you included a date (Todays), and a picture of you, that said, "Dear Future Bad Ass DJ, or Dear Friend, etc...

5. The first part of your sales letter should dig and dig and dig even more into the DEEP PAIN that you had, and the problems you went through. You want them to know 110%, that you were in their shoes.

6. The next part should talk about what you discovered and how they can be like you.

7. Frank Kern, in my opinion the best writer out there, talks about implicit vs explicit. Example, instead of saying I make very good money, imply that you make good money by telling stories. You want them to figure out for themselves that you make good money.

8. All of my favorite sales letters really dont have video testimonials, so don't worry, they wont make or break you. Sprinkle Testimonials throughout your sales letter.

9. Be Reluctant. Talk about how you didnt want to release it, but you cant work cause everyone wants you to teach them, etc. so you are only doing this for a limited time etc. You must imply SCARCITY.

10. I love your pictures, and I think it would be great that if when you are talking aobut when you were down and out in the beginning, show a pic of you, poor etc.

11. Your pictures provide proof, but scannin pics of your income, etc, and putting that up will skyrocket the believability factor.

12. Tim Ferriss, in his book "4 hour workweek", talks about higher priced products. Think about charging $197, and give a full 60 day money back gaurentee. Make your gaurentee IRON CLAD, No Questions asked.

13. As for the product image, I can see a pic of a record, with your produt name on it, as a good image.

14. Just remember Frank Kerns Formula (Magic Bullet+Proof+Low Self Esteem=$$$).

15. Imput these things into your sales letter, and you can have a million dollar business here:

-Tell the story of your "Rags to Riches"
-Dig into their pain as hard as you can (making a list of all of their possible pains, then write a story to show them you have been there is GOLD)
-Show PROOF with pics of income, girls, etc...
-KNOW WHAT OBJECTIONS THEY MIGHT HAVE TO YOUR PROGRAM, AND GO OVER THOSE IN YOUR STORY (AKA- I THOUGHT TO BE A DJ I HAD TO HAVE MONEY, SKILLS ,ETC)
-Sprinkle testimonials throughout
-Imply high value by actually charging $100+ (When I see free, I think your crazy or the product sux
-Use Scarcity by saying you are only releasing 500 copies, etc.
-Be Reluctant
-Show them what they are getting, "Sneak Peek Inside"
-IF YOU DON'T HAVE A 60 DAY IRON CLAD 100% MONEY BACK GAURENTEE, JUST GO BACK TO BEING A DJ

I hope this helps, If you have any other questions PM me. thx, and good luck!

Definitely not a bad start for a first letter.

I particularly like the use of the header pic and the other pics. Usually marketers mess this up but yours are pretty good and help sell the DJ lifestyle (which is way important here)

I agree the price is presented too coyly.

You need to test a higher price and offer some sort of discount. I'd also do a bit of "price conditioning". Find some web copy of what Offline DJ schools charge for a course of study like this. Tuition should be in the thousands if my guess is right.

Then compare YOUR offer to those kind of prices.

I'd also agree with Loren as I 'd test different headlines.....your video testimonials and intro video should also help this project alot. Good Luck!
_____
Bruce

I would make the font a bit bigger and narrow the border. Lighter shade would be better. Just my 2 cent worth.

Cheers .. P

You've spelt "guaranteed" wrong. Run a spell checker over the whole page, and have a proofreader check for typos (for example "the" instead of "they").

"Download and transaction costs" is a very weak justification for your price point. It looks suspicious and misleading. Almost everyone who is in your target market will know it costs you nothing provide a download service.

If you want feedback, give it away for free.

If you are confident in your product, and that it has some value simply because of the information contained inside it, don't try and get too clever with the price. Charge for it because you've spent time creating it, and it's valuable because of the results it can bring. Don't be shy of putting a price on something. Virtually everything we encounter on a daily basis has a price in one way or another.

"Non taxable". It *is* taxable. It's income, so it's taxable. You don't want your customers to get into hot water with the IRS, so you might want to rethink this.

One last thing: from reading the headline and the top few sections, it sounds like you're going to teach me how to get the big gigs, and get the deals that the other DJs can't. However, when I read through what's actually contained in the product, it sounds more like a tutorial on mixing and DJing itself, which wasn't what I expected.

I had a post deleted?

Sean, I'm a copywriter. The first thing I see on your Landing Page is "Guarenteed" spelt wrong. That turns me off straight away - looks well cheesy and low-class. You MUST spellcheck everything. Watch your grammar too. No not your Grandma - your English. For instance it's not "women on their arm" it's "Women on their arms".

I don't think much of your headline. Get rid of the "100% Guaranteed". Put it down the bottom if you must. I'd prefer a headline like

"Wanna be a DJ - travel the world, date gorgeous women, make a pile of money?"

No need to say "screaming fans - thats a cliché anyway. And rather than "date models" say "gorgeous women". No need to say "work with music" - it's a given. "Make a pile of money" is more emotive and descriptive than "great money".

I think the copy is WAY too long. Move at least half of the stuff over onto other pages - just hyperlink it. You should be able to sell them pretty much above the fold and have them keen to sign up by scrolling down to the Order Button.

What is this "Sale Free plus costs" crap? Don't try to be tricky or bullshit me. I'll give you a thousand bucks if you deliver what you promise. Price isn't really the issue. $97 just "cheapens the offer". Don't be afraid to ask for more. The mindset of people reading is going to be "WOW - this is expensive - it must be really good". So again - I don't want to read all that stuff - I just want to Buy Now! Make it easy for me. Get rid of that "Retail Price $600" - more bullshit. And have something else on the button rather than "Add to cart". How about "Dude, I'm ready to rock!" - just that. It's obvious its a Buy Button.

Really like the photos. They resonate. And they probably sell the whole thing - especially when we see you with those gorgeous girls. They would work better with a shadow border around them. Maybe one of those pics with the girls should be the "hero shot" at the top of the page rather than the shot of you (supposedly) with your back to us. Move the "screaming fans" shot down the page. And again - put a shadow border on it.

Have a look at this Landing Page Landing Pages - Your Internets and see what he's doing there - he's selling the dream.
"How I Bought a Brand New $1.2 Million Home Using ONLY Affiliate Commissions Earned While I Was Unemployed"

That's your job too. Forget the "screaming fans" - go with the gorgeous girls angle. Works every time.

BTW I'll re-write your site for you but I charge. Best of luck, Mal, Paris.

Kill the page's title and use something else. "Sales page" is going to be a turn-off in Google results. Something such as "The Secrets of a Successful DJ" or something would help.

Asides from that I'm too sleepy to critique


B.

Now first I have to admit, I am NOT your target audience.... But.... I do think some of my observations might still be worth considering.

1) I felt you talked too much about yourself and not enough about your customer. If I pull out what's in red

Have you been wanting to learn how to become a DJ or how to play bigger gigs? (good)

Man... things have changed! (not sure this is worthy of highlighting, but it's fine)

Unfortunately Most DJs will never get to live their dream. (good)

It Doesn't Have To Be This Way! (very good)

...I'm in Demand with the Media, Clubs and Women almost as much as with Aspiring DJs! (okay, here I start to not really like you. You sound arrogant)

I Want to Help you Reach YOUR Dreams too! (this is great)

I have the secret steps to quickly get you mixing like a pro! (ok, but it would appeal more if you said... 'let me show you the secret steps to quickly get you mixing like a pro!')

I'm putting all of the top Dj secrets into a package that will show you everything you need to know to mix like a pro. ('DJ' not 'Dj'.... but I'd rather not read about you again... more appealing would be 'Top DJ Secrets package will contain everything you need to know to mix like a pro'.... though this seems a bit of a repeat from above)

I didn't buy that $97 was to cover packaging and shipping.... You lost credibility there. And how can this have a retail price of $600.... if it's never been sold before?

I also didn't understand your logic with...
first this again sounds SOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo self-congratulatory to me and I don't like people who are so proud of all they've achieved.

Secondly... I don't understand your point. You are so busy that you don't have time to coach people individually, but you do have time to write this really long sales letter and record video instruction or write information about how to become a DJ??

Okay.... well, I don't mean to sound negative and I was never going to be a buyer... sounds like some of the previous posters might buy. So... if some of the above advice resonates with you and is useful, great and if not, no hard feelings.

Personally, after I cleaned up the misspellings etc, I would just start testing this. If this is your first sales letter, then congratulations. It's much better than most first attempts are.

Thanks for all of the incredible feedback guys! I have taken all of your advice, have applied the majority of it and will now take absolutelee's advice by just getting the page up and tweaking it as I go.