Critique this headline

This is just my opinion, but I wouldn't start out with a question. I would start out with and "attention" statement that leads into the headline.

An example would be "Your current situation may look dismal, but it is not. You can easily rise above your current situation and quickly create the future you desire after you...."

Also, I would add another verb in front of "rock-solid confidence." Personally I would use "acheive".

I hope this helps.

Hi David,

Woody has a point.

As it is, the main headline doesn't
quite sound right. Adding a verb
may do the trick.

But what I'd consider if I were
you is spicing the whole thing
up.

Your headline needs to entice
the reader into reading further,
it needs to excite them and get
them worked up.

I just dont see the headline you
have doing that for people.

Hope that's useful.

-David Raybould

You've got a decent foundation. Opening with a question is fine especially if you're asking the same question your prospects have been asking themselves. You're simply relating to them.

I'm not sure what your offer is but I'd completely lose any reference to self-esteem in your headline. Most people won't relate to it and many wouldn't even dream that they have problems with self-esteem. Better you address issues that come about from poor self-esteem. You've got some of them there, fear, anxiety, lack of confidence, etc. Most people will admit to having problems in these areas, even if it's only to themselves.

Your copy can subtly talk about how self-esteem problems manifest as roadblocks in life but making self-esteem the focus of your pitch is a mistake. In fact, if I were writing a pitch for a self-esteem program I'd write it so the reader discovers poor self-esteem is the problem. I'd almost make it a surprise or revelation.

You also mention inner game challenges. Again, I don't know who you're targeting with this but 'inner game' is a phrase that is almost an 'insider' term within the personal development arena. You might consider making a more specific reference such as self-talk or chatter. And even then a lot of 'laymen' won't understand

Another thing that is way overused and so often misused is this: ..." Use a comma instead. I don't know why you'd have a quotation mark in there anyway because the headline isn't a quote. Good luck!

Hi David

The whole thing is much too wordy.

I would lose the question at the top - not necessarily because it's a question, but because it is limiting - it assumes that the reader has tried other methods, whereas many may be facing the problem for the first time.

Better to focus on the problem itself and its emotional impact, rather than previous attempts at solutions. Maybe something like:
Tired of always standing in the background ... watching OTHERS surge ahead??

Now, I don't know what the product is, but doesn't matter - what you are REALLY selling is a result: Rock Solid Confidence. So, your headline itself should EXUDE rock solid confidence. That's why you need to lose the wordiness and keep it simple and dynamic - such as:

DISCOVER HOW YOU CAN BUILD ROCK SOLID CONFIDENCE IN 30 DAYS OR LESS -- GUARANTEED!!!

or here's another:

USE OUR 30 PLAN AND WATCH YOUR CONFIDENCE SOAR - OR YOU DON'T PAY!!!

I agree with travlinguy about eliminating references to "self esteem" - I think more people will admit to low confidence than low self esteem - and "Inner Game Challenges" - most people won't know what that means, myself included - and it just sounds confusing and distracting.

I would play with using that section to convey a feeling for the reader of standing absolutely on the threshold of a very cool journey out of their own dark ages, something like:

If you're ready to WAVE BYE BYE to all the old stumbling blocks like fear, anxiety, and insecurity -- and say HELLO to your new Success Story...
This Will Be The Most Important Letter You Ever Read

Put 'fear' first out of the three - that has the greatest emotional impact - anxiety and insecurity are really just two more words for the same thing, which doesn't mean you shouldn't include them, as they do help re-inforce the feeling.

Hope this helps -- these are just suggestions - I'm sure you can do even better!!

(If not, better take the course and come back in 30 days!!!)

cheers
Ken

The main headline is not bad, but doesn't quite read right. Plus, it doesn't really have any "pizazz" that gets me dreaming.

The subhead:

"Have you tried everything to build your confidence and self esteem before but failed?"

Maybe I have.. but if I haven't, I would be immediately put off by this. If this was the first time I'd considered building my confidence, I might read this and think, "OK, this product's not for me then..."

You need something that introduces the headline and prepares the reader for it. To be honest, I think most preheads are read AFTER the actual headline. That's generally because headlines are big and bold and catch the eye immediately.

A simple lead in will do:

"Do you suffer from low self esteem? If so, this website might be the most important website you've ever visited..."

---

Next, the headline. First things first: sort out your capitalization. Either capitalize every word, or don't.

"Discover How to Build your Self Esteem, Rock-Solid Confidence, and Feel Great in Less Than 30 days..."

It reads as if I'm going to "build my rock solid confidence", which doesn't make sense. Or if you turn the commas into full stops, "rock solid confidence" acts as an entire sub-sentence, which makes even less sense. If you took the "your" out it would read as a list, which I assume is what you intending.

But still... you should be able to find more evocative words to describe what the customer will do, and how they'll feel afterwards. "Great" is mundane. We use "great" a lot in everyday life, so it doesn't inspire.

30 days sounds like a long time to me. "A few weeks" sounds much less. But you'll probably want to test that

Maybe something like this:

"Give Me 5 Minutes And I'll Show You How To Reinvigorate Your Life With An Unstoppable Tidal Wave Of Self Esteem And Confidence That Will Take You Wherever You Want To Go..."

Argh. That's about my fifth attempt. It's a hard one for sure. I'd really need to read your product to get a grip on exactly what it is you're going for.

---

Finally, the subhead. Not bad actually. Except the "Inner Game Challenges". I have no idea what that means. Except that I've heard "Inner Game" used in Double Your Dating's promotional material... which is probably not the context you were after!