Sales page critique please

Your headline is too general to get much attention.

Phrases like "Why Your Body Needs Them" and "How They Can Work For You" don't have any emotional punch.

Grab your prospects where they live.

What negative health problem do they have right now that anti-oxidants could help relieve?

Work that into you headline. And state it in a way that stokes the emotions.

Alex

That is helpful, Alex. Thanks.

The thing is it's tough to say what specific health problem that antioxidants can use to help relieve right away.

Plus, with health claims you have to be careful with the claims you make when it comes to relieving disease and ailments.

I'll look into it further and see if I can think of anything.

I'm considering pushing the Herbal Remedies book instead since that may have more immediate benefits right away and the antioxidants guide be one of the bonuses. Something to think about.

Man

I don't think your headline enters the conversation
the reader is having in their mind.

Your intro needs work. Why should somebody
start to read this?

Where is the traffic coming from?

You need authority and credibility
early on.

warmly

Mark

I recently asked my subscribers why they subscribed to my newsletter to see what type of information they are seeking and if there's any specific things they'd like to learn.

The traffic is coming from my parent website (antioxidantsdetective.com) and I have a banner on every page and I'm promoting it through this site (the parent site gets about 1000 visitors per day).

I might have to change the sales page completely.

The photo on the top should have some antioxidants in it or your message. Just google "antioxidants" and click on the images tab on the top to get some ideas.


Its always effective if the users can guess your product just with the photos on the sale page

It is compellingly written so well done. Personally, I think you need to target your market better and improve your syntax.

The only specific claim you make in the first page is that antioxidents helped you father with leukemia. Other than your title, that's the only specific benefit that appears in the first 500 words or so. I know you are not targeting people with leukemia so I think this could be improved.

I also think phrases like: The little (and big) changes to his health was HUGE! could be made more impactful. This phrase is a little vague especially if someone is scanning the page and haven't read the body of your copy..The "(and big)" shouldn't be in parantheses; it also breaks up the flow of sentence which, again, lessens the impact.

I think the structure was the strongest point in the letter.

Good luck

First of all you need a better header. Its far too basic and doesnt look professional at all. Get a designer to make one for you. you can ge t a package for $20 with other graphics also. check out www.infinityminisite.com.

Also i think it'd be better if you went straight to the point. For me it looks like theres too much text, and i think most people wouldnt even get to the payment button before they leave your page. so also look to break up the sentences to make it look easier to read in oppose to having paragraphs. hope that helps a bit. keep going though it will get better the more you learn!!

also use some images near the top!!!

No i was meaning like throughout the text more. But yes also in the header!!! Definetly invest in a header it won't cost much and will make a big improvement to your site!! Keep it up though, you've got some good text!!

Update: http://www.truth-about-antioxidants.com

I changed the headline and added some highlighting and underlining.

The header will be changed soon and I may add some more pictures. So far I've made a few sales so I'm happy with the progress.

Should I keep who I'm quoting under the headline? Any other thoughts?

I would also try the angle of

"Are These Invisible-To-The-Human-Eye Organic Molecules Sucking The Life Out Of You?"

Hopefully you know I'm talking about free radicals, since your the Anti-Oxidant Detective and all

I've only got a moment, so I'm going to address your headline. The first 10 words of your copy are more important than the 10k that follow, so you need to join the conversation going on in their mind on a logical and emotional level.

Here's the problem with your current headline.

It's been said that one death is a tragedy while a one millions deaths is just a statistic. Why is this? Because when you describe one person's death, you can include specific details about their life, their last days etc. It becomes personal and real.

Your headline needs to do that, not share a general statistic like it does now. I'm going to do a VERY rough rework to show you what I'm talking about:

Current version (Impersonal statistic)

“More Than 70% of Americans Will Die Prematurely From Diseases Caused By Deficiencies Of The Antioxidant Network… These Conditions Can Be Prevented, Controlled, And In Some Cases, Even Cured.”

New version (personal)

“Right Now, Your Antioxidant Network Could be Developing Terminal Deficiencies...Does This Concern You?"

It should. After all, it happens to 70% of Americans..."

(put the docs quote here)

Then follow with something like this:

"These Deficiencies can be easily prevented IF you know..."

See the difference?

You're hitting their need for security and making it personal instead of general. That's all I have time for now but I'm sure you can apply the same principle throughout your letter.

Best of luck to you.