Please comment on my practice copy

Hello Warriors,

I'm trying my hand at copywriting, and I found this exercise on about.com for a made-up product. I created a draft of my sales letter, and I would just like to know if I'm on the right track. Info from the about.com page is as below:

Product:

A monthly delivery service of educational products for parents and young children.
Company Name:

Egghead Entertainment
Tagline:

Where learning meets fun
Target Audience:

Parents of preschoolers.
Ad's Focus:

Egghead Entertainment offers a monthly program, called Egghead Direct, where educator-approved learning tools are sent to the customer's home. Each month, an educational toy, music CD and two learning books are delivered along with an activity guide for parents that shows them how they can use these products to help their children learn. This program has been specifically developed for preschoolers by teachers.
Special Promotions:

By signing up, you'll receive a basket of five educational books delivered with your first order.
Challenge:

Egghead Entertainment is seeing a sales slide because more people are turning to online sites for educational games and learning tools to teach their own children. This substitution learning method doesn't encourage the parent-child interaction that Egghead Entertainment does.
Additional Information:

• Egghead Direct costs $11.95 per month.
• Cancel anytime. There is no contract and the free gift will always be the customer's to keep.

• 9 out of 10 teachers recommend Egghead Entertainment's monthly delivery service.

• The sales letter will be sent to homes of qualified leads of parents with young children. Each lead has purchased products from a national parenting store Egghead Entertainment has a partnering deal with and leads have agreed to receive promotional materials from related companies.

• Egghead Entertainment has provided three testimonials:

"I was struggling to find ways to teach my three year old son at home. Egghead Direct helped me teach him his ABCs, numbers and colors in just a few weeks." - Lisa M.

"My daughter runs to the door when she hears the postman dropping off the Egghead box. We have to stop what we're doing and see what's inside immediately!" -JoAnne L.

"The guides are written so clearly that I know exactly how to get the most out of each month's lessons. The one-on-one time teaching my children can't be beat." -Patrick E.


This information is provided to help you write the advertising material. You can use or not use all of these points at your own discretion.


And what I came up with is attached with this post in a Word file. I know the formatting is not great, but what I wanna know more about is the content, so please give your two cents on it. Thanks!