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Can you give me constructive feedback on my sales page?

by SuperRyan
14 replies
Hey,

I'd very grateful if you could give me constructive feebacks for me sales page:

List Building Blueprint

Thank you

Ryan
#constructive #feedback #give #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    Hey Ryan,

    I haven't had a chance to look at your copy... but I sure wish more
    web pages used the crisp, clean, simple design and layout you use.

    I think it's 100% spot on, and doesn't scream "ad or sales letter"

    Good job with that, it takes work to actually make a sales page
    look that simple, clean, and uncluttered.

    Ogilvy once did a study that showed pages that look
    more like editorial content/articles pull 500% more readership
    and John Caples found that they pulled 81% more sales.

    And yet another world-class copywriter, Gary B, went as far
    to say that "your design is an even more important headline
    than your headline!"

    You can usually tell whether a marketer is an amateur
    just by the way their site looks. So, from the design and
    layout standpoint, Ryan, you sure look like you know what
    you're doing.

    Nice job.
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    MILLION Dollar Copywriter Offering Written Sales Letter or VSL Script Worth $5,000 - Just $500!
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  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    I agree with Shawn.

    While I don't have the time to go through it right now, it's certainly good to see something that's not all noise.
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    • Profile picture of the author benracz
      Hey Ryan,

      Since the others didn't seem to have the time, I took a closer look at your site.

      I think using bolding, underlining, italicizing and CAPITALIZING randomly is kind of annoying when I read copy.

      I suggest you only underline links in online copy - and capitalizing always feels like unnecessary shouting to me so I tend to stick with bolding and italicizing.

      Now some of the sentences could be made shorter and snappier - "At this event, I was exposed, for the first time, to the concept of LIST BUILDING."

      This short sentence seems to have no less then 3 commas. I suggest fixing that - and the rest that are like it - to make the copy flow better.

      I also suggest adding a little more space between the lines so the text looks more readable.

      Now let's look at some specifics.

      The headline doesn't make good sense to me in English. Shouldn't that be "responsive"? Also if I'd be mentoring you I'd tell you to keep on brainstorming, I'm sure you can think of some more compelling heads too.

      I also suggest going through the text and delete whatever is not essential to reach your goal.

      This for example feels redundant to me:

      "Life changed forever.

      I realized the power of BUILDING A LIST."



      I've found some typos and spelling mistakes as well, I suggest a thorough proofread before you go live with this.

      The copy sometimes also feels bloated because of redundant adjectives, "incredible, little known, techniques for supercharging your list building and getting many times your current results in the same time."

      This would be an excellent illustration of a sentence where "less is more".

      Let's move on.

      You're asking way too many questions in your copy - I suggest scraping most of those alltogether.

      "Wouldn't that be great? Or what about if you could get others to build your list for you, instead of having to labor over it yourself? How would that feel if you could do this?"

      This also happens to be the same place where I got bored of the copy alltogether, and stopped reading.

      My two cents: if you actually intend to sell a few mp3s for $197, this definitely needs some more work.

      Kind regards,

      -Ben Racz
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        As Ben said, the headline needs changing.

        The BIG issue is you have nothing new to say
        about List Building. If you do, then it's not obvious.

        This is the biggest mistake marketers make today.

        Can you clearly tell us what you have got
        which is clearly new?

        To answer this you have to know what others have put
        out on list building.

        Best,
        Ewen

        P.S. 2 payments of $97 has been tested
        to bring in more money than the one payment
        option of $197
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Ryan, I just made a thread about not taking clients on
          where they have nothing new to bring to the market.

          The thread is called the gap.

          This can be changed just by letting the writer know where your product
          fills a gap in the market.

          Best,
          Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          P.S. 2 payments of $97 has been tested
          to bring in more money than the one payment
          option of $197
          I was wondering about the price point of $197 for the offer.
          Seems too high for the offer in today's market?
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          "If you think you're the smartest person in the room, then you're probably in the wrong room."

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  • Profile picture of the author SuperRyan
    Thanks you for all your great feedback. I'm implementing your suggestions right now!
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  • Profile picture of the author bizgrower
    RE: Price point. To clarify, assuming the product is excellent and the sales copy is perfected, is the price too high for today's market as well as for building his customer base?
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    "If you think you're the smartest person in the room, then you're probably in the wrong room."

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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Originally Posted by bizgrower View Post

      RE: Price point. To clarify, assuming the product is excellent and the sales copy is perfected, is the price too high for today's market as well as for building his customer base?
      I don't have enough background information to pass comment.

      Who the message is going to and what is fully on offer.

      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Micah Medina
    It's very well written and very smooth, but it doesn't have me burning to pay $200 dollars to see your information. This isn't a consult or anything, but these ideas pop up in my brain right away:

    Who the **** is Ryan Hamada?

    It's cool that you have a testimonial from Mark Anastasi, but I don't think it's enough to give you that overwhelming credibility you need. Can you give some more compelling testimonials, or talk about you and your experiences by which I mean the success, not the "journey story" so that you bond the reader's needs to your image?

    You need to "attach" authority to yourself and make the reader look up to you. There are lots of list building guides out there so you need to also sell the honor of learning from you. And not just in dry statistics.

    Your bonuses need work. For that much money, I should get the sense that I'm entering an elite group or getting an elite product. There's very little appeal to power, rewards, or exclusivity here in your copy. It's kind of the same style of copy you'd write for a 37 dollar product, and the markets are different.

    You need to think about the way that somebody expects to *feel* after paying that a product.

    Why are all your bonuses information? Should I get a toolkit or some templates or a service? I want to feel like I'm getting advantages other people can't or won't have.

    There are other things but that's a start.
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  • Profile picture of the author calciferol
    i think head lines need a bit O factor ( shock r amusement)
    over all i find website lacking social proof pump up some testimonials bro
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