Help Me w/ a Headline for the Male Fitness Niche

by rimam1
43 replies
Hey guys,

I'm tweaking my squeeze page and really need some help with my headlines. I'm targeting guys in their 30's who want to get lean and muscular (again), but are just too busy. These are guys (like me) with jobs, and wives, and kids. Or maybe they've been working out for a long time with no results. They want to get fit, but they want to do it as quickly as possible and want to see real results.

Here are the headlines I've chosen. Please tell me which one is best, or feel free to make suggestions:
  • T"he Dead-Simple Workout Trick I Used to go From "Skinny-Fat" to Lean and Muscular... in 15 Days"

    "Busy Dad Reveals Explosive Workout He Used to go From "Skinny-Fat" to Lean and Muscular in 15 Days"

    "Discover the Underground Workout I Used to go from "Skinny-Fat"...."

    "Discover the Simple Workout Trick I Used to go From "Skinny-Fat"..."

My squeeze page includes a before and after picture, bullet points of what they'll receive, and a brief bio about me. Here it is:

The #1 Workout Routines Blog for Men (and Women Too :-)
#fitness #headline #male #niche #w or
  • Profile picture of the author ltrain_riders
    Maybe I'm used to seeing these kinds of Ads or headlines such as "Top Secret", "Simple Trick", etc... Your headlines to me sound kind of fake because they use words like "Trick", "Underground", "At home Dad Reveals"... Why not keep it more simple and real?

    "Simple Workouts I Used to go From [Skinny||Fat] to Lean and Muscular... in 15 Days"

    "Busy Dad's Explosive Workout He Used to go From [Skinny||Fat] to Lean and Muscular in 15 Days"

    "Discover the Simple Workout Plan I Used to go From "Skinny-Fat"..."


    I know you're trying to make your product appear as though it's something special and secrete but when I see words such as Trick, Underground I immediately think FAKE or SCAM. Look at successful products such as P90x and Body Beast and see how they word their sales.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7507397].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    All your headlines are essentially the same.

    Don't just tweak how you phrase them, test completely different approaches.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7507448].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
    Originally Posted by rimam1 View Post

    Hey guys,

    I'm tweaking my squeeze page and really need some help with my headlines. I'm targeting guys in their 30's who want to get lean and muscular (again), but are just too busy. These are guys (like me) with jobs, and wives, and kids. Or maybe they've been working out for a long time with no results. They want to get fit, but they want to do it as quickly as possible and want to see real results.

    Here are the headlines I've chosen. Please tell me which one is best, or feel free to make suggestions:
    • T"he Dead-Simple Workout Trick I Used to go From "Skinny-Fat" to Lean and Muscular... in 15 Days"

      "Busy Dad Reveals Explosive Workout He Used to go From "Skinny-Fat" to Lean and Muscular in 15 Days"

      "Discover the Underground Workout I Used to go from "Skinny-Fat"...."

      "Discover the Simple Workout Trick I Used to go From "Skinny-Fat"..."

    My squeeze page includes a before and after picture, bullet points of what they'll receive, and a brief bio about me. Here it is:

    The #1 Workout Routines Blog for Men (and Women Too :-)
    How about these headlines:

    1. Uncover the Breakthrough Secret that Insiders are Using to Lose Weight and Build Muscle Mass in Just 7 Days...

    2. The Amazing Secret To Losing Weight and Gaining Muscle Mass... Use These Methods and See Results in Just 3 Days -- Guaranteed...

    3. Here's The First Easy Step To Add Over 20 Pounds Of Rock Hard Shredded Muscle... Tone Your Chest, Arms, Legs, And Back Using A Scientifically Proven Step-By-Step Muscle Building Revolution...In Just 10 Days or Less

    What do you think of the above?
    Signature

    -----------------------------------------------------------
    Harry Husted
    http://www.creatingwords.com
    With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7508257].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author etelligent
    I dont know how to write a good headline. But I can tell you how I reacted to your headlines. As your exact target market who buys that stuff online. I thought they sounded like every other crap site online... Sorry.

    Number 3 from hhhusted was cool.

    Words "busy dad" got my attention and words like "ripped" "easy" "cut 6 pack" "sculpted" I always want to know more!!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7509470].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
      Originally Posted by etelligent View Post

      I dont know how to write a good headline. But I can tell you how I reacted to your headlines. As your exact target market who buys that stuff online. I thought they sounded like every other crap site online... Sorry.

      Number 3 from hhhusted was cool.

      Words "busy dad" got my attention and words like "ripped" "easy" "cut 6 pack" "sculpted" I always want to know more!!
      I was told by a famous copywriter to included at least two benefits of the product the copy is for, in the headline. This way the reader gets a heads up regarding what the product will do for him or her.
      Signature

      -----------------------------------------------------------
      Harry Husted
      http://www.creatingwords.com
      With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7509542].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author CopyCloser
        Since others have pointed out that pretty much all fitness ads and websites copy each other, I'd dig further into the product and find the story. How about something like:

        "No More Flab!

        How This Stressed Out Dad Put On 5 Pounds Of Lean Muscle In 15 Days...Thanks To An Accidental Breakthrough By A Mad Russian Scientist."

        Obviously this wouldn't apply to your offer, but I'd encourage you to dig deep into the science behind your secret, and create a similar story that your prospects simply have to read.

        The main reason that headlines fail is that prospects overlook them as "same old, same old." When you tease them with a story like that, they read on even when they are skeptical, and you can melt away their resistance in the body copy.

        All the best!
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7510208].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author stookie44
    "5 Easy Step Proven Formula To Rapid Hard Muscle Gain In 15 Days Guaranteed - Or It's Free"
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7510687].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
      Originally Posted by stookie44 View Post

      "5 Easy Step Proven Formula To Rapid Hard Muscle Gain In 15 Days Guaranteed - Or It's Free"
      Now that's a good one. I was told the word "Free" captures a lot of attention. It means no risk for the user. Great incentive to purchase the product.
      Signature

      -----------------------------------------------------------
      Harry Husted
      http://www.creatingwords.com
      With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7511794].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author rimam1
        Thanks for the great ideas guys. I'm gathering that I need to be more specific, focus on the benefits, and tell a compelling story. What about these headlines:

        "Free Report Reveals the Simple, Scientific, High Intensity Strength Workout Pro Athletes Use That Helped Me Go From "Skinny-Fat" to Lean and Ripped... In 15 Days"

        "Discover How I Was Able to Transform Myself from 'Skinny-Fat' to Lean and Muscular in 15 Days... By Working Out Like a Pro Athlete"

        "Discover the Scientific Strength-Training Workout Pro and College Athletes Use That Helped Me Get Lean and Ripped in Just 15 Days"

        "Free Report: Why Working Out Like an Athlete is the FASTEST Way to Get a Lean and Ripped Body... And How I Was Able To Do That In Just 15 Days"

        The thing is, this really is my true story. I am a busy dad that didn't workout for years. And I finally decided to follow this workout and got awesome results really fast. I'm hoping that the pictures are more evidence that convince people that this stuff really works.

        Are these better than my previous ones?

        Thanks,
        Raza
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7511973].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
          Originally Posted by rimam1 View Post

          Thanks for the great ideas guys. I'm gathering that I need to be more specific, focus on the benefits, and tell a compelling story. What about these headlines:

          "Free Report Reveals the Simple, Scientific, High Intensity Strength Workout Pro Athletes Use That Helped Me Go From "Skinny-Fat" to Lean and Ripped... In 15 Days"

          "Discover How I Was Able to Transform Myself from 'Skinny-Fat' to Lean and Muscular in 15 Days... By Working Out Like a Pro Athlete"

          "Discover the Scientific Strength-Training Workout Pro and College Athletes Use That Helped Me Get Lean and Ripped in Just 15 Days"

          "Free Report: Why Working Out Like an Athlete is the FASTEST Way to Get a Lean and Ripped Body... And How I Was Able To Do That In Just 15 Days"

          The thing is, this really is my true story. I am a busy dad that didn't workout for years. And I finally decided to follow this workout and got awesome results really fast. I'm hoping that the pictures are more evidence that convince people that this stuff really works.

          Are these better than my previous ones?

          Thanks,
          Raza
          Can I ask you a question? Why do you use "skinny - fat" in your headlines? Is that the name of your product? It doesn't make sense in the headline. That's why I was asking.

          This reads better:

          "Free Report Reveals a Simple, Scientific, High Intensity Strength Workout That Will Get Your Muscles Lean and Ripped... In 15 Days - Guaranteed"

          "Discover How I Was Able to Transform Myself from 'Skinny-Fat' to Lean and Muscular in 15 Days"

          "Discover a Scientific Strength-Training Workout That Will Get Your Muscles Lean and Ripped in Just 15 Days - Guaranteed"

          "Free Report: How I was Able to Look Like Charles Atlas In Just 15 Days"

          What do you think? I would say to stay away from what other pro athletes are doing. By adding them in, your product will no longer be unique. You want people to believe that by trying your program, they can get a ripped looked quickly, without using a lot of time in doing it. What a money maker that would be.
          Signature

          -----------------------------------------------------------
          Harry Husted
          http://www.creatingwords.com
          With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7512289].message }}
  • i'd head over to amazon and check out the first few books in the niche

    check out some the language they are using. This will help when crafting the headline.

    Contrary to popular belief you don't always have to give a benefit in the headline.

    if you can capture the emotional pain they are in and inject curiousity or a unique angle you are onto to a good one.
    Signature
    "Peter Brennan is the real deal, In the first 12 hours we did $80k...and over $125k in the first week...if you want to be successful online, outsource your copywriting to Peter"
    Adam Linkenauger

    For 12 ways to sell more stuff to more people today...go to...www.peterbrennan.net
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7512898].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
      Originally Posted by Quality Copywriter View Post

      i'd head over to amazon and check out the first few books in the niche

      check out some the language they are using. This will help when crafting the headline.

      Contrary to popular belief you don't always have to give a benefit in the headline.

      if you can capture the emotional pain they are in and inject curiousity or a unique angle you are onto to a good one.
      I was told by top copywriters that headlines that have a benefit in them work the best over other headlines. When I tried this, I found my conversions were high. When I tied in the emotional pain and curiosity into the headline, it did convert, but not as much as the benefit headline.

      Just an observation. If you had different experiences, I would to know about them.
      Signature

      -----------------------------------------------------------
      Harry Husted
      http://www.creatingwords.com
      With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7512951].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        What a copywriter and the end consumer think is a benefit
        are often different.

        Examples: "WARNING: Don't Buy Web Design Untill You Get Answers To These 5 Questions"

        "Why x And x Don't Work"

        "When Apple, Sony And Vodafone Want Search Marketing Advice, This Is Where They Go"

        They are all of benefit to the target reader, but to most copywriters wouldn't be seen as benefit headlines because they don't talk about the product.

        All 3 have been proven winners.

        Best,
        Ewen
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7513130].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          What a copywriter and the end consumer think is a benefit
          are often different.

          Examples: "WARNING: Don't Buy Web Design Untill You Get Answers To These 5 Questions"

          "Why x And x Don't Work"

          "When Apple, Sony And Vodafone Want Search Marketing Advice, This Is Where They Go"

          They are all are of benefit to the target reader, but to most copywriters wouldn't be seen as benefit headlines because they don't talk about the product.

          All 3 have been proven winners.

          Best,
          Ewen
          The one thing I learned as a copywriter, is that the copy is never written based on what we believe copy should be. Copy is supposed to be written where it entices the consumer to perform some kind of action. That is what the headline is for. It starts the consumer on their journey into bettering themselves. If you used the right words, the consumer will end up clicking the BUY button when they reach the order part of the sales letter.

          That's why I like copywriting. Some great stuff. Always a learning curve.
          Signature

          -----------------------------------------------------------
          Harry Husted
          http://www.creatingwords.com
          With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7513162].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
    I think all those headlines are generic and boring. It's been said over and over again and I don't think you will generate any interest with those kind of headlines.

    Try something different that will stick out and get people interested in reading what you have to offer. If you're running any ads you can shoot for a unique approach with ad headlines like...

    "ROID RAGE! - New 15 minute workout infuriates body builders."

    "ROID RAGE! - Body Builders Angry Over New 15 Minute Workout."

    etc.

    Once they are on your sales page then you can hit them with the benefits.

    The most important thing here is getting people interested to read about another workout / diet plan / weight loss product / what ever.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7513537].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Non Gym Goer Who Humiliates Hard Core Body Builders
      Swears Under Oath He Did Not Take Any Illegal Substance

      Best,
      Ewen
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7513607].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
      Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster View Post

      I think all those headlines are generic and boring. It's been said over and over again and I don't think you will generate any interest with those kind of headlines...
      The Merchant of Truth speaks with forked tongue.

      Hey bud, how do you know those headlines won't generate any interest. He hasn't tried them yet. Why not let him decide and see if he does get interest and conversions. If he doesn't, then he can try other headlines. I wrote such a headline for my smoking product and it is doing very well. What counts is not what we think, but what consumers think. That is why the late Cory Rudl said to test, test, and test again until you find one that gives you the best results.
      Signature

      -----------------------------------------------------------
      Harry Husted
      http://www.creatingwords.com
      With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7514782].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Harry, when similar headlines have been used in any market then
        response rates are going to drop off.

        This we do know from testing.

        Therefore before we put out our promos to the test,
        we use existing data from previous tests
        to minimize risk.

        If we don't have good testing data, then we put ourselves and clients
        money at risk.

        Best,
        Ewen

        Originally Posted by hhhusted View Post

        The Merchant of Truth speaks with forked tongue.

        Hey bud, how do you know those headlines won't generate any interest. He hasn't tried them yet. Why not let him decide and see if he does get interest and conversions. If he doesn't, then he can try other headlines. I wrote such a headline for my smoking product and it is doing very well. What counts is not what we think, but what consumers think. That is why the late Cory Rudl said to test, test, and test again until you find one that gives you the best results.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7514862].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          Harry, when similar headlines have been used in any market then
          response rates are going to drop off.

          This we do know from testing.

          Therefore before we put out our promos to the test,
          we use existing data from previous tests
          to minimize risk.

          If we don't have good testing data, then we put ourselves and clients
          money at risk.

          Best,
          Ewen
          That's what I mean. If you have tested the headline and found what works better, that is what you do for. I'm not ignoring or against that. Testing is the earmark of a true copywriter and Internet marketer.

          However, if you are new to the game, you have to try different headlines to determine which is best. See what I mean. That is what I was referring to in my previous post. If rimam1 has already done testing, that is one thing. But if he never presented this product before, he has to try different headlines to decide which one is best.

          That is what I did and found it worked like a charm. I now have headline that is gaining attention.
          Signature

          -----------------------------------------------------------
          Harry Husted
          http://www.creatingwords.com
          With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515123].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
            Originally Posted by hhhusted View Post

            The Merchant of Truth speaks with forked tongue.

            Hey bud, how do you know those headlines won't generate any interest. He hasn't tried them yet. Why not let him decide and see if he does get interest and conversions. If he doesn't, then he can try other headlines. I wrote such a headline for my smoking product and it is doing very well. What counts is not what we think, but what consumers think. That is why the late Cory Rudl said to test, test, and test again until you find one that gives you the best results.
            Did I tell him not to test? I said "I don't think they will generate any interest", Then gave him a suggestion... He can test what ever he wants.


            Originally Posted by hhhusted View Post

            That's what I mean. If you have tested the headline and found what works better, that is what you do for. I'm not ignoring or against that. Testing is the earmark of a true copywriter and Internet marketer.

            However, if you are new to the game, you have to try different headlines to determine which is best. See what I mean. That is what I was referring to in my previous post. If rimam1 has already done testing, that is one thing. But if he never presented this product before, he has to try different headlines to decide which one is best.

            That is what I did and found it worked like a charm. I now have headline that is gaining attention.
            Took you 20 years to figure that out?
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515271].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
              Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster View Post

              Did I tell him not to test? I said "I don't think they will generate any interest", Then gave him a suggestion... He can test what ever he wants.




              Took you 20 years to figure that out?
              Hey, I'm providing a meaningful discussion here. Don't be a wise guy. I figured it out a long time ago, I am merely giving suggestions on what I did and how it worked for me.
              Signature

              -----------------------------------------------------------
              Harry Husted
              http://www.creatingwords.com
              With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515397].message }}
              • Profile picture of the author TheSalesBooster
                Originally Posted by hhhusted View Post

                Hey, I'm providing a meaningful discussion here. Don't be a wise guy. I figured it out a long time ago, I am merely giving suggestions on what I did and how it worked for me.
                What do you think I'm doing?
                {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515414].message }}
                • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
                  Originally Posted by TheSalesBooster View Post

                  What do you think I'm doing?
                  hehehe - The man with the forked tongue.
                  Signature

                  -----------------------------------------------------------
                  Harry Husted
                  http://www.creatingwords.com
                  With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

                  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515452].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Harry, your headlines and the op appear to be similar to what have already been seen in this market. That's why they aren't worth testing.

            Best,
            Ewen

            Originally Posted by hhhusted View Post

            That's what I mean. If you have tested the headline and found what works better, that is what you do for. I'm not ignoring or against that. Testing is the earmark of a true copywriter and Internet marketer.

            However, if you are new to the game, you have to try different headlines to determine which is best. See what I mean. That is what I was referring to in my previous post. If rimam1 has already done testing, that is one thing. But if he never presented this product before, he has to try different headlines to decide which one is best.

            That is what I did and found it worked like a charm. I now have headline that is gaining attention.
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515308].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
              Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

              Harry, your headlines and the op appear to be similar to what have already been seen in this market. That's why they aren't worth testing.

              Best,
              Ewen
              That's what someone told me about my headline, but I went ahead and used the one I created anyway. It worked for me. There is one thing I have found when taking marketing courses (no not Internet marketing), is that consumers don't like change often. If you can provide a headline that worked a few years ago, it still may work today. However, if it didn't work before, it may work now.

              Based on my experience, I would rather test a headline, regardless how often it has been used, than not try it. Who knows, maybe the headline will attract interest. No one knows the mind of consumers. We can only put up the sales copy and hope for the best.

              If this user never did this before, he has no clue whether his headline or even what I created for him, will work or not, till he tries them. I would recommend to this user that he try several headlines over a course of a few months, and find out which one pulls the most. Then stick with that one.

              I would just suggest to rimam1 that he take the top five headlines (those that contain benefits and emotional appeal) and try them. He won't ever know till he uses them.
              Signature

              -----------------------------------------------------------
              Harry Husted
              http://www.creatingwords.com
              With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515433].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Sharpay
    Maybe it's just me, but this really turns me off:

    "I read an article saying that working out like an athlete is the FASTEST way to get lean and ripped. So I decided to follow the workout that the guy recommended. I got real results really fast.
    So I decided to write a short 9 page report showing the exact workout routine I used to get lean and muscular in 15 days. Inside you’ll also discover:"

    First of all you use "So I" twice in a row and it doesn't flow well. Second of all, you just told me you read an article and now you're selling that same article. Why would I buy that? Can't I just go find the same article for free?

    Also, is that picture really you? The skin tones are so dramatically different, even if the lighting were the same it just doesn't look like the same person. If that really is you, then you should include pictures that show your face. If it's not, then that figures & your sales will reflect the quality of your product.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515469].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
      Originally Posted by Sharpay View Post

      Maybe it's just me, but this really turns me off:

      "I read an article saying that working out like an athlete is the FASTEST way to get lean and ripped. So I decided to follow the workout that the guy recommended. I got real results really fast.
      So I decided to write a short 9 page report showing the exact workout routine I used to get lean and muscular in 15 days. Inside you'll also discover:"

      First of all you use "So I" twice in a row and it doesn't flow well. Second of all, you just told me you read an article and now you're selling that same article. Why would I buy that? Can't I just go find the same article for free?

      Also, is that picture really you? The skin tones are so dramatically different, even if the lighting were the same it just doesn't look like the same person. If that really is you, then you should include pictures that show your face. If it's not, then that figures & your sales will reflect the quality of your product.
      I just went to the site and read it through. I have to agree with you. In fact, the page actually looks more like a squeeze page than a sales page, as the copy is too short. Also, he stated on the site he woks in IT and is not an expert health or fitness. If I read that, I wouldn't buy the product. I'd leave right away.
      Signature

      -----------------------------------------------------------
      Harry Husted
      http://www.creatingwords.com
      With 20+ years’ experience, I can help YOU stop struggling to stand out, with a more dynamic marketing message, SEO, an attention-getting e-book, or a catchy jingle of your own to reel in those prospects.

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515569].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
      Banned
      [DELETED]
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515581].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author hhhusted
        [DELETED]
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7515982].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author rimam1
          There are some real heavy-hitters on this thread. So I wanted to thank ALL of you for your insight and suggestions. I'm truly humbled by your help and support.

          Yes, I am an IT guy and busy father, not a fitness expert. And yes, this is a squeeze page. I'm building my email list to sell an affiliate product, or possibly a workout program if I decide to create one in the future. I'm trying to show myself as a real person who decided to try a workout, and who incidentally got impressive results. And both pictures are of me... although I can understand why you would think they aren't. They were taken from my cell phone in my bathroom (obviously on different days), but I don't know why the lighting is so off.

          I'm trying to connect with people like me who are skeptical that they'll get results from trying fitness programs. I'm not trying to sell myself as a fitness expert. I'm trying to show that I'm a normal guy that got results really fast.

          To be clear, this is a squeeze page, so I'm not sure if that differs from a sales page, but I thought the headline should describe

          As far as testing, I look at Men's Health. Their flagship fitness product has the following headline:

          "Discover How To Shred Your Abs, With the Cutting Edge Fitness System That Shows You How to Melt Fat, Torches Calories, and Sculpts Every Single Muscle"

          Craig Ballantyne uses the following headline on his squeeze page (not his sales page):

          Try One of the Most Popular Turbulence Training Workouts for Free...and Find Out the Hidden Dangers of the Dark Side of Cardio and Other Over-Rated Fat Loss Methods.

          Here's a headline for the squeeze page for MaxWorkouts (the program I'm actually promoting):

          "The Workout & Nutrition Tips in Shin's 5 Day Lean Body Kick-Start Will Show You How To 'Trick' Your Body Into Producing a Flood of Fat-Burning Hormones"

          I'm no copywriting expert, so my dilemma is whether I should concoct a headline of my own that will most likely fail, or model the experts and use something that's tried-and-true. Of course, keeping in mind that I'm simply trying to connect with people and tell them my story... not sell a product upfront.

          Best Regards,
          Raza
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7516014].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
            Originally Posted by rimam1 View Post

            I'm no copywriting expert, so my dilemma is whether I should concoct a headline of my own that will most likely fail, or model the experts and use something that's tried-and-true.
            Do both:

            You start with a "best practice" version swiped from existing successful copy to get you started, then you test your own concoctions against it.

            And pay careful attention to Ewen's examples.
            Signature

            Andrew Gould

            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7516036].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author rimam1
              Andrew, I have a lot of respect for you, so thank you for your insightful comments.

              And yes, SteveTheCopyWriter has spoken very highly of Ewen in other threads, so I will re-read his posts on this thread. I thought of using a variation of his "Warning: Don't Do X Until You Do X" headline he once wrote about.

              I'm just working out how to do that, while still telling my own story in the headline.

              Best,
              Raza
              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7516149].message }}
              • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
                Originally Posted by rimam1 View Post

                I'm just working out how to do that, while still telling my own story in the headline.
                The purpose of the headline is to grab attention and keep your prospect reading. Don't force it to do too much.

                Ignore the subject, but pay attention to the structure Marcus uses in this example from another thread (and read the rest of the advice he offers):

                http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post7514821

                It's entirely story-driven but the main headline's short and it immediately grabs your attention.
                Signature

                Andrew Gould

                {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7516224].message }}
              • Originally Posted by rimam1 View Post

                Andrew, I have a lot of respect for you, so thank you for your insightful comments.

                And yes, SteveTheCopyWriter has spoken very highly of Ewen in other threads, so I will re-read his posts on this thread. I thought of using a variation of his "Warning: Don't Do X Until You Do X" headline he once wrote about.

                I'm just working out how to do that, while still telling my own story in the headline.

                Best,
                Raza


                I think it's fair to say that Andrew and Ewen have been in the wonderful world of copywriting for a while.

                So yes, whatever they say, it's well worth your time having a good read.


                Steve
                {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7517302].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    theres this thing.... its called split testing....

    maybe you've heard of it?

    its something us direct response marketers do... you know because opinions don't pay the bills.

    MIGHT help you.

    just saying
    Signature

    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7517777].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Vanilla Gorilla
    Have you tried being honest with the headline? 15 days is a bit far fetched. Come up with something shocking, yet factual.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7519290].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author WinstonTian
    They say choices paralyze people, but well, you gotta choose.

    1) Do split-testing on drastic changes in copy. Headlines,
    design, well, basically huge significant changes that are likely
    to result in huge percentage differences.

    2) You could funnel them to a survey or get them into an
    interview - and further probe them with psychological methods
    to get into their heads.

    Having abs is a self-invented "reason" they slowly persuaded
    themselves to believe in. Having the real, deep-lying benefits
    within are the consequences they feel will happen.

    But that doesn't mean that you go around exclaiming...

    "Get that girl at the beach with a flash of your chocolate bars"

    It has to be done in a more delicate and implicit manner. It
    has to take the current market trend into account. The
    prospect's current beliefs with having abs, their triggered
    emotions when they think of it, etc.

    Hmm.

    You're on the right first step, because you're using benefit
    oriented headlines, instead of trying to be funky and 'creative'.

    But you see here:

    "Busy Dad Reveals Explosive Workout He Used to go From "Skinny-Fat" to Lean and Muscular in 15 Days"
    Firstly, I liked how you injected "Busy" inside. It packs in the
    thought that you don't require much time to do the workout.

    But you have some adjective problems. Look at that 'explosive'.

    Explosive workout? Nah-uh. Doesn't work. Try finding a better
    word to cram in a deeper lying emotional benefit. You need to
    have the correct kind of match up in words.

    Lean and muscular seems to clash again. How can you be lean,
    yet muscular at the same time? It's a bit juxtaposing, and they
    may neutralize the emotional effect of each other.

    Instead, try to allow your reader to VISUALIZE it. You could
    rope in a buying theme like Hollywood bodies. How do those
    celebrities get muscular, but not overly bulky?

    Your focus doesn't seem to be sharp enough. Is it about cutting
    the fat, or is it about the muscle? Which weighs more? How
    do you blend the two together?

    Try all the different kinds of leads:
    • Story themed
    • Star feature
    • Challenging
    • Benefit oriented
    • Fascination? Wonder?
    • Curiosity
    • Emotional controversy

    I believe it's really how you find that one angle, and then tie your
    copy very deeply knit together with it. However, while the lead
    does factor as extremely important, you also need to have strong
    copy. Good subheads are also extremely crucial.

    Hope that helps?
    Signature

    Cheers,
    Winston
    The Beginner's Doctor

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7519431].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author stuzilla
    1) Be honest. Let your potential customers know exactly what they are getting. Appeal to THEIR problem. Make your copy realistic!! 15days to get lean (ignores ad)

    2) Variations

    "Don't have time to work out? Discover how you can pack on muscle with these short workouts"
    "Want muscle mass? Don't have time? This simple method will amaze you!"
    ect
    ect



    3) Test!!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[7525284].message }}

Trending Topics