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Attention Critics - Would You Mind Crtiquing...

by imagebbs
8 replies
Hello Fellow Warriors and Copywriting Critics!

I have recently written the salescopy for a new product in the "save your marriage" market. Would be very grateful if some folks would take a few minutes to review the page and offer any feedback or suggestions....positive or negative of course! Thank you.

The URL is Keeping Your Marriage - Save My Marriage - Stop Divorce

Thanks much,

- Dave
#attention #copywriting #critics #critique #crtiquing #mind #salesletter
  • Profile picture of the author carolwingert
    Truthfully, it's soooooo long. You need to get to the "point". Give some benefits why your product will help.

    The story of their history really doesn't interest me. Don't be too detailed. You lose my interest.

    Sorry, just my opinion.
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  • Profile picture of the author Keeslover
    The headline is about you, not the prospect. Make it about the prospect and what he or she gets. Find the pain that people in bad marriages have and bring it out.
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    • Profile picture of the author Dean Dhuli
      This would probably make for a great opening lead...

      Far too many people pretend their marriage is okay or sweep their problems under the rug, hoping their marriage will "get better with time".

      But marital conflict is a different beast altogether.
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      • Profile picture of the author imagebbs
        Carol - Thanks, I agree that the story needs some work and drags on a bit... I want to definitely have a story like that, but yeah I agree with your thoughts in general.

        Keeslover - Excellent observation, especially in light of the fact that this niche is all about alleviating pain. I will rework a headline for sure.

        Dean - Thanks for your suggestion..

        Any other suggestions are most welcome, thanks for the feedback so far.

        - Dave
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  • Profile picture of the author Christie Love
    Hi Dave,

    Here are some tips to help your sales letter read better.

    1. Sell a focus. There's too much __ and __, ____ or ____.
    2. Add bold print, bullets, highlight, more sub headers to break up the copy.
    3. The story is killing me to read. Remember, copy isn't like writing a novel. Make it interesting!
    4. Yep, you lost me. Work on making your sentences more powerful and direct. Shorten the story (quite a bit).

    Overall, it was... decent. I've seen much worse. May I ask, what guide are you following to learn how to write copy?
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    • Profile picture of the author imagebbs
      Thanks Christie, some helpful comments. Yeah the story is definitely not interesting and drags on I totally agree. Appreciate you calling it decent at least! hehe... my first real attempts at long form copy.

      In terms of what guide I'm following? Not really a guide, but rather the principles in this article from Michel Fortin: http://www.michelfortin.com/want-bet...go-on-a-quest/

      Regards,

      - Dave

      Originally Posted by Christie Love View Post

      Hi Dave,

      Here are some tips to help your sales letter read better.

      1. Sell a focus. There's too much __ and __, ____ or ____.
      2. Add bold print, bullets, highlight, more sub headers to break up the copy.
      3. The story is killing me to read. Remember, copy isn't like writing a novel. Make it interesting!
      4. Yep, you lost me. Work on making your sentences more powerful and direct. Shorten the story (quite a bit).

      Overall, it was... decent. I've seen much worse. May I ask, what guide are you following to learn how to write copy?
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  • Profile picture of the author wrcato
    The sales letter isn't to long, though the stroy is to in-depth which means boring.
    You need to think in these terms:
    A= attention
    I= Interest
    D= desire
    A = Action

    This is the formula for a sale etter.
    It is a good start. But it was like reading a first draft.
    Plus it did not create any of the above.
    That is just the body.
    The headline needs rework as well. It is all about your prospect saving there marriage.
    Not about what you the author is wanting to tell the prospect.

    Plus I would get rid of the lead in subhead.
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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Dave-

    Put some subheads into that copy,
    and it will INSTANTLY perform
    better. The constant march of
    similar text down the page is
    going to send your reader to
    sleep otherwise.

    Good luck

    -David Raybould
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