Critique Appreciated

I think most of your "learn how to" bullets are more features than they are benefits...and aren't that intriguing...

You need to realize that small business's ge SPAMMED the heck out of EVERY SINGLE day. So you should expand on how you'll help them achieve everything you claim...

Like - A unique twist when charging your costumers that keeps them loyal and coming back for more!

Or - How almost any small business saves marketing expenses simply by telling your prospect this 3 letter word!

You need to be specific and add intrigue to make your claims BS proof. And actually, your whole sales letter is full of claims. Add some testimonials or something.

That's just a rough "top of my head" kind of critique. Also - tell us SPECIFICALLY who's going to receive these letters.

EDIT. You can also add past samples or talk about a business you actually helped improve. And heck, you can embed it as a story for your entire letter. And how you can help their business too.

Hi Paul, your strategy and goal of the letter is wrong,
therefore not much point in critiquing it.

For higher priced things and intangibles like what you are offering,
the best approach is to keep it short.

If you have strong demonstrable proof of client performance from
your intervention, then that would be a good entry point.

Failing that then your entry point should be talking about typical problems
faced in their type of business.

Just one bullet point for each problem, max three.

Quickly mention how you've solved those pressing issues
in similar types of businesses.

Then invite them to setting a appointment time to talk.

The Sticky seems mostly relevant for sales letters where you are asking for the sale,
not asking for a meeting where the thing for sale is more complicated.

Best,
Ewen

You lose me almost immediately.

You don't resolve the main marketing message in your headline.

So for me...

There's absolutely no flow to your copy.

Why is more advertising NOT going to help my business?

What insights do you have to quantify that statement?

Copy inadequacies?

Positioning problems?

Design issues?

And it's true.

Your bullets are too feature oriented.

What does a more financially productive business mean, to me, a business owner looking to create prosperity and freedom?

You need to tap into the benefits more and weave them throughout the copy.

Connect with the highest-minded potentials that business owners want and keep marching to the beat of that drum.

Mark

P.S. I disagree with Ewen. Length is irrelevant. You need to get MORE specific and demonstrate how you can emotionally connect with prospects - because that's what will inspire confidence in the absence of social proof. But I personally start over. I like your headline. It's just not relevant for the tone you create throughout the copy.

First question is about TARGET.

Who is going to receive this and how? Typed letter in envelope? Any teaser copy? Anything which will make the target OPEN the letter?

How will be addressed? Do have personal names?
There is an assumption my business is broken, which it may not be. Do I want more business, maybe. Perhaps I don't spend thousands on advertising...how do you know? Does your list come from a source that shows the business spends lots of money on advertising?

NO ONE who owns a business thinks their business makes them just like everyone or anyone else for that matter...they all think their business is unique.

You have a very weak headline and opening, looks like an ad to sell me something...lose interest quickly...toss into trash...there goes YOUR money down the drain. I don't think there any good elements worth keeping and the underlining and all that smacks of hype and good bye letter.

Since I actually did something similar consulting with business, I'll share a little of what I did. There are posts here with more details, you can search my name and try to find them, I don't have time.

I presented myself as a professional business analyst, an Independent Marketing Appraiser ... and offered a FREE appraisal of their current marketing strategy, this got my foot in the door. Then I sold my services, which are similar to yours.

The letters I sent were always sent mostly in Greeting Cards, which meant they always got opened. I made the FREE offer, and it worked well enough to keep business flowing.

As for your copy, my advice is to go back to the drawing board. Start with a list of benefits, quickly tell the guy what you can do for him. Do some searching here for other copy of a similar work.

But, first thing, IMO (always) is to clearly identify your TARGET and write a letter, not a sales letter, but a personal letter to this one person telling him why he needs to call you quickly. Yea, you really need to start over.

gjabiz

The other guys are right. Your response rate would be pathetic.

But what concerns me is with a strategy, offer and copy as bad as this, it's doubtful you can help business owners as a general marketing consultant.

I'm pretty sure local business owners you mail to would see that as well in your letter.

----

That said, if really want to boost your response, you might want to consider a strategy which includes lumpy mail.

DOUBLE Your Direct Mail RESPONSE RATES with LUMPY MAIL

Key Point: The sole goal of your piece is TO GET THEM TO CALL so you can sell them. (Do NOT sell them on a consult as your offer.)

- Rick Duris

PS: As a side benefit, your lumpy direct mail piece will preemptively position you as a rather creative marketing consultant, one who can help them creatively as well.

It also helps you break the ice and becomes a useful conversation topic when they call you.

I stopped after the first paragraph. I actually shuddered. Why? This:

"...watch your business flounder. Or maybe you're watching the time and cash you've invested and your dreams go down the toilet. You know you need to do something NOW to stop the bleeding but feel helpless because..."

These are bold and offensive assumptions to many. I understand what you're trying to do but believe this approach will piss people off.

Here's an example of a speech/seminar from Claude. In one of the posts later in the thread he outlines the structure.

http://www.warriorforum.com/offline-...ion-stage.html

You know your market but I doubt you need testimonials to land some solid business. There are so many people that need help with their marketing you can get clients next week at decent fees. Of course get testimonials, but try to get paid well in the process.