Critique my sales page?

Well done for making the effort but...

After spending all of 30 seconds looking at it, I can tell you this straightaway...

Your glaring red main headline is pretty hopeless, next to useless in fact. No way is this your biggest benefit. Immediately underneath the main headline with no choice in the matter but to watch it is your video with no controls on it.

In other words, I'm forced into an action over which I have no choice over but to listen to you. No pause button, I can't read another word never mind reading your first sentence because you're insisting I listen to you first.

In the video, almost instantly, you're there coughing away and your nose is running like a schoolboy sniffing away. At which point I thought, stuff this and clicked out.

To be honest with you, it's no surprise you're not getting any conversions, the whole thing just looks amateurish in the extreme.

The rest of your copy, I didn't get that far to read it. You've already done more than enough to tell me to click out off the website.

Mark Andrews

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Edwin Torres

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

Well done for making the effort but...

After spending all of 30 seconds looking at it, I can tell you this straightaway...

Your glaring red main headline is pretty hopeless, next to useless in fact. No way is this your biggest benefit. Immediately underneath the main headline with no choice in the matter but to watch it is your video with no controls on it.

In other words, I'm forced into an action over which I have no choice over but to listen to you. No pause button, I can't read another word never mind reading your first sentence because you're insisting I listen to you first.

In the video, almost instantly, you're there coughing away and your nose is running like a schoolboy sniffing away. At which point I thought, stuff this and clicked out.

To be honest with you, it's no surprise you're not getting any conversions, the whole thing just looks amateurish in the extreme.

The rest of your copy, I didn't get that far to read it. You've already done more than enough to tell me to click out off the website.

Mark Andrews

Thanks for the input.

Should I just go with a text only squeeze page and dump the video?

Also, any tips on coming up with the biggest benefit? My tool is almost a complete all-in-one software so I tried to be as general as possible (without being too too general).

Thanks
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Mark Andrews

Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Edwin Torres

Thanks for the input.

Should I just go with a text only squeeze page and dump the video?

Also, any tips on coming up with the biggest benefit? My tool is almost a complete all-in-one software so I tried to be as general as possible (without being too too general).

My advice for what it's worth, yep dump the video, it's not doing you any favors at all in it's current form.

As soon as you started coughing at the beginning followed up a few seconds later with you sniffing away like a naughty schoolboy, I just thought yrr'ack! What the hell is this guy on?

Seriously, in it's current form it's not doing you any good whatsoever - ditch it. You'll be better off without it than having it there at all.

The main headline ditch the bold glaring red and this particular headline the wording altogether. Figure out what your biggest benefit is to your target market and focus in like a laser on stirring up in the readers mind just one core emotion, they're biggest point of pain solved. Then and only then lead in to the rest of your sales copy.

Below the main headline and the video there's still a great deal wrong with your sales letter, so much so in fact it's not actually worth providing a critique for. Yep, sorry, it really is that bad.

Basically, you might as well face it, you haven't got the faintest clue what you're doing from a copywriting perspective. Even if good suggestions are provided here, they won't make any sense to you since clearly you won't know whose advice to implement nor where to place these changes in the copy body.

You don't need a critique which will only confuse you more, what you need is to start over again from scratch if truth be told.

Advice for what it's worth, stick to what you know best - coding software and leave the copywriting to the pro's.

Mark Andrews

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Edwin Torres

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

My advice for what it's worth, yep dump the video, it's not doing you any favors at all in it's current form.

As soon as you started coughing at the beginning followed up a few seconds later with you sniffing away like a naughty schoolboy, I just thought yrr'ack! What the hell is this guy on?

Seriously, in it's current form it's not doing you any good whatsoever - ditch it. You'll be better off without it than having it there at all.

The main headline ditch the bold glaring red and this particular headline, the wording altogether. Figure out what your biggest benefit is to your target market and focus in like a laser on stirring up in the readers mind just one core emotion, they're biggest point of pain solved. Then and only then lead in to the rest of your sales copy.

Below the main headline and the video there's still a great deal wrong with your sales letter, so much so in fact it's not actually worth providing a critique for. Yep, sorry, it really is that bad.

Basically, you might as well face it, you haven't got the faintest clue what you're doing from a copywriting perspective. Even if good suggestions are provided here, they won't make any sense to you since clearly you won't know whose advice to implement nor where to place these changes in the copy body.

You don't need a critique which will only confuse you more, what you need is to start over again from scratch if truth be told.

Advice for what it's worth, stick to what you know best - coding software and leave the copywriting to the pro's.

Mark Andrews

Thanks for the honest critique!

I was thinking about scrapping everything, and rewriting it from scratch and make a story out of it.

Like find a hook, and use NLP language, etc.

What are the BIG glaring things wrong in the copy itself? I modeled it after the one ProfitsTheme did.

Thanks
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Mark Andrews

Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Edwin Torres

Thanks for the honest critique!

I was thinking about scrapping everything, and rewriting it from scratch and make a story out of it.

Like find a hook, and use NLP language, etc.

What are the BIG glaring things wrong in the copy itself? I modeled it after the one ProfitsTheme did.

NLP is for the pro's too, don't even be tempted to go down this route, you'll end up in a right muddle of words all conflicting with one another if you go down this route.

Just keep your message SIMPLE.

Pretend you're writing to a ten year old child. This person is sitting across the table from you, he has an interest in your product and starts off by asking these questions...

"What does this software do?

What is it's purpose?

What problem does it solve?

How does it directly benefit me?"

Now answer him in written language he instantly understands.

Be the teacher of your product and the advantages of using this software.

Keep your message, your writing style very VERY simple.

A Beginners Guide to Copywriting - "How to light a fire..."

A Beginners Guide to Copywriting: Part 2 "How to Keep Your Readers Mind Fully Engaged..."

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews

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Edwin Torres

11 years ago

I'm about to make huge edits and tweaks to my sales page. Any one else have any feedback before I begin?

Thanks

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powerstrike

11 years ago

seeing that Mark Andrews already pointed out most of the things that's wrong with your sales page. I went ahead and looked at your affiliate page and this as well needs work.

you will still not get sales unless you have your own list, or have friends who will promote and wait for their commission because affiliates are interested in getting paid instantly to their paypal account and not on the 1st of the following month.

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Mark Pescetti

11 years ago

Question:

Since you outline a great deal of very specific action steps in the copy...

...why should I buy anything?

I could easily accomplish what you showed me on my own with other free tools.

Just saying...

Thanks

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Ridge

11 years ago

I think Mark hit on all the issues, the BIG thing I see is, after a quick scan of the page, I have no idea what exactly you are selling. Maybe ad a video? Or some screenshots

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Mark Andrews

Banned 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Ridge

I think Mark hit on all the issues, the BIG thing I see is, after a quick scan of the page, I have no idea what exactly you are selling. Maybe ad a video? Or some screenshots

Add a video? Why should he add a video Ridge? What kind of video? What should the video explain precisely?

It's no good just saying, "Add a video," when you have no suggestions forthcoming yourself what the purpose of the video is about. How will just adding a video boost his response rate?

I mean you can whack a spoiler on the back of a car. Hell, you can buy one from just about anywhere for peanuts on the dollar.

Sure it might help to make the car look cool (debatable) but will it increase performance? You see, just by adding any old spoiler to the back of a car does not necessarily mean you're going to increase the speed of the car in question.

If you don't understand the dynamics involved, the way the air flow crosses over the car to create the perfect downward force to the rear wheels, suggesting he whacks on any old spoiler without understanding the physics involved isn't going to do the cars handling any good whatsoever.

Edwin had a video on there before when he first posted up asking for a critique. On the video he was instantly coughing and wheezing away, nose sniffing audibly, his voice over perfectly flat and drone like without any enthusiasm or warmth for the product in question. No controls on the video, hence the reason why I advised him to remove it as it wasn't aiding the sales page in the slightest.

Thankfully he's now removed it. Advising him now to just whack another one in there without explaining why he should have one is about as much use as a bucket with a bloody great hole in the bottom of it - no offense.

So give him a good reason why he needs one and what exactly the video should contain if he is going to utilize having one on his site.

Similarly advising him to use screenshots.

Why should he have screenshots on this sales page?

What should they contain?

What do they need to prove?

How will they aid his credibility?

How will they reinforce in the mind of the website visitor a good reason to believe in this product and trust it more?

Just saying, "Add screenshots," just doesn't cut it. There has to be a reason why you're advising him to use screenshots. What is this reason?

Why are you advising this action?

For without any explanation at all provided telling him to do these things without the knowledge why? ... what good is this advice to Edwin?

How will simply adding 'screenshots' boost his conversion rate?

Mark Andrews

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Mark Andrews

Banned 11 years ago

Okay Edwin, so I've just checked out your website again.

Now, I want you to imagine I'm that 10 year old kid you're explaining this product to.

You've changed out your main headline for something else but I'm still confused by it. This still isn't your biggest benefit or if it is, you've still not explained it perfectly clearly to me.

Remember, important point here...

Your main headline is an ad for your ad. And this website it's an ad, an advertisement for your product, right? Okay good.

So tell me, this ten year old boy who likes reading very simple specific facts what your product will do for me.

Below, here in this thread I want you to write out and post them up below - 10 main headlines in 10 minutes.

From the second you start writing out your first main headline to the 10th one, you've got no more than 10 minutes only to write out these 10 main headlines and post them up below. Got it? Good.

The time restriction is to force your mind to think spontaneously on the spot. You should know your own product inside out. So it shouldn't be any trouble for you to come up with these 10 headlines in no more than 10 minutes.

When you're done, please pop them down below where I and the other copywriters can see them. Between us, we might then be able to help you to identify a good main headline to use.

Everything else at this stage, forget about it. Just concentrate for now on getting this main headline as perfect as can be.

Ready Edwin? On your marks. Get set. Go...

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews

Thanks
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Edwin Torres

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Mark Andrews

Okay Edwin, so I've just checked out your website again.

Now, I want you to imagine I'm that 10 year old kid you're explaining this product to.

You've changed out your main headline for something else but I'm still confused by it. This still isn't your biggest benefit or if it is, you've still not explained it perfectly clearly to me.

Remember, important point here...

Your main headline is an ad for your ad. And this website it's an ad, an advertisement for your product, right? Okay good.

So tell me, this ten year old boy who likes reading very simple specific facts what your product will do for me.

Below, here in this thread I want you to write out and post them up below - 10 main headlines in 10 minutes.

From the second you start writing out your first main headline to the 10th one, you've got no more than 10 minutes only to write out these 10 main headlines and post them up below. Got it? Good.

The time restriction is to force your mind to think spontaneously on the spot. You should know your own product inside out. So it shouldn't be any trouble for you to come up with these 10 headlines in no more than 10 minutes.

When you're done, please pop them down below where I and the other copywriters can see them. Between us, we might then be able to help you to identify a good main headline to use.

Everything else at this stage, forget about it. Just concentrate for now on getting this main headline as perfect as can be.

Ready Edwin? On your marks. Get set. Go...

Smoking hot,

Mark Andrews

Great little exercise Mark. Tell me what you think of these headlines

:

Point and Click Software Helps You Make Money From YouTube Fast
Point and Click Software Ranks Your Videos #1 In Minutes
Point and Click Software Automates All Boring Stuff and Makes You Money From YouTube Fast
Point and Click Software Automates Your YouTube Marketing And Helps You Make Big Profits All At The Same Time
Learn How This Silly Software Helps Me Make Huge Profits From YouTube
Learn How This Weird Software Automates Everything And Makes Me Huge Profits From YouTube Day In Day Out
Discover Why Haven't Made Any Money Online And How This Weird Little Software Can Solve That For You Once and For All
They Didn't Want You To Know About This Weird Software That Makes You Huge Profits From YouTube
Weird "Guru Stopper" Software Ranks Your Video #1 In YouTube and Makes You Money All At The Same Time
Learn Why The "Gurus" Are Running Around Like Scared Little Ants All Thanks To This Weird YouTube Profit Machine

I'm really liking the last headline in the list. Which headline do you think is the best one?

Thanks

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Edwin Torres

11 years ago

I redid my whole entire sales copy guys, hopefully its better now. I still need to change my headline though so thats the final step

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max5ty

11 years ago

Take this for what it's worth. Most of my clients had 10's of thousands to spend on a campaign. Doesn't mean it was guaranteed to work, just meant more saw it and there wasn't a lot of room for BS diddly do crap.

1. Your headline sucks. Get to the point. Just say: Get your YouTube video on the front page. No need to try and be cute.

2. Your whole sales letter thing is confusing. What are you selling? I read about gurus and then some software.

3. You don't need a sales letter. Just use bullets. The ones you have are lame...you need to make them pop.

4. You have some testimonials but you're not using them right. A testimonial works wonders when it tells a story. Example: I was trying hard to make things work...and then...now I'm...

5. "Income Jacker" the name is stupid...

PM me and I'll do a whole ad for you free. I'm so bored right now I'll give it a shot.

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Mark Andrews Banned 11 years ago

Edwin, none of them, they're all rubbish not to put too fine a point on it.

Save yourself the time and bother and take Marcus (Max5ty) up on his kind offer above.

He's one of a handful of top copywriters who you would normally have to pay many thousands of dollars to. Him giving this opportunity to you for free is not an opportunity you want to pass over. In other words...

Contact Max5ty instantly!

Good on you Marcus! Saves me a hell of a lot of time walking this guy through the motions one step at a time.

Nice one mate. Good on you.

Mark Andrews
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DigitalCopyWriter

11 years ago

OK, let's see ...

First the header isn't pushing the sale forward and buying something grey / black hat isn't something I'm interested in. So you've lost me here. Plus, you show a burglar stealing money and next to it you write "legally jack commissions".

Decide exactly on what you want to convey.

Second ... the headline and the pre-head are lifeless. First of all, they are about the same headlines used by everyone else. Second, this is an YouTube tool not a biz op information product so you can actually focus on YouTube.

Third ... you know what seduction is?

Seduction, based on Roy H. Williams is coming up with a thought more enticing than what's already in your prospect mind. A pleasant thought, a thought that captures his attention. The opening copy isn't really succeeding here.

Razvan

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Edwin Torres

11 years ago

Originally Posted by DigitalCopyWriter

OK, let's see ...

First the header isn't pushing the sale forward and buying something grey / black hat isn't something I'm interested in. So you've lost me here. Plus, you show a burglar stealing money and next to it you write "legally jack commissions".

Decide exactly on what you want to convey.

Second ... the headline and the pre-head are lifeless. First of all, they are about the same headlines used by everyone else. Second, this is an YouTube tool not a biz op information product so you can actually focus on YouTube.

Third ... you know what seduction is?

Seduction, based on Roy H. Williams is coming up with a thought more enticing than what's already in your prospect mind. A pleasant thought, a thought that captures his attention. The opening copy isn't really succeeding here.

Razvan

I edited my headline to talk about that itll rank your video on YouTube and removed the sub headline.

And I am now doing a new split test where one has the portion where I talk about "gurus" and the other variation I have removed that portion so I can see which one will convert better

Thanks

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drewfioravanti

11 years ago

I am just learning about copywriting, so I really have no advice to offer that would be of any value.

However, as a prospect, I am intrigued by your offer. I just don't understand what it does. If I could see a video of it in action, I may be persuaded to buy.

Thanks
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Edwin Torres

11 years ago

Originally Posted by drewfioravanti

I am just learning about copywriting, so I really have no advice to offer that would be of any value.

However, as a prospect, I am intrigued by your offer. I just don't understand what it does. If I could see a video of it in action, I may be persuaded to buy.

Someone else told me the same thing. I need to re-record a video showing a demo of the product