Hate on my Squeeze Page

Profile picture of the author TakenAction by TakenAction Posted: 01/30/2013
Hey guys I recently decided to build a list and made a squeeze page and ordered a solo ad that is coming up soon.

I would like to get a decent amount of opt-ins (30%+) so please critique on my page. Just so you know I have 0 copy writing experience and wanted to see if I am any good. Don't be too cruel

I have uploaded a picture so you can see the page. Its clean and simple.
#hate #page #squeeze

  • Profile picture of the author Dan Axelrod
    Dan Axelrod
    Hey there,

    If this is your first copywriting attempt, than good job, you're wayyy better than most newbies.

    Here are my thoughts:

    First of all, big claims need either big proof or a unique hook to make it believable. You use a lot of #1 claims such as "Most controversial video on the internet," "Most undercover society online," etc..

    Those claims are so huge they're not believable. Go specific instead. Instead of "Most controversial video,"... use "The controversial video that almost got YouTube taken down for good." or instead of "Most undercover society online," use "The secret society that has made 94% of the wealth online in the past 5 years"

    This is assuming it's true of course. Don't just make stuff up or you'll get a lot of annoyed people refunding you and the FTC on your back.

    You also want to promise a benefit in the headline, preferably with a strong hook. Why does someone want to join the secret society? And why would a poor schmuck believe he can get in for giving his email address.

    Address skepticism very thoroughly here.

    --Dan
  • Profile picture of the author TakenAction
    TakenAction
    Originally Posted by Dan Axelrod View Post
    Hey there,

    If this is your first copywriting attempt, than good job, you're wayyy better than most newbies.

    Here are my thoughts:

    First of all, big claims need either big proof or a unique hook to make it believable. You use a lot of #1 claims such as "Most controversial video on the internet," "Most undercover society online," etc..

    Those claims are so huge they're not believable. Go specific instead. Instead of "Most controversial video,"... use "The controversial video that almost got YouTube taken down for good." or instead of "Most undercover society online," use "The secret society that has made 94% of the wealth online in the past 5 years"

    This is assuming it's true of course. Don't just make stuff up or you'll get a lot of annoyed people refunding you and the FTC on your back.

    You also want to promise a benefit in the headline, preferably with a strong hook. Why does someone want to join the secret society? And why would a poor schmuck believe he can get in for giving his email address.

    Address skepticism very thoroughly here.

    --Dan
    Wow thanks so much for that. I am already making changes to the headlines and some bullet points based on your advice.

    And yeah, the offer is basically a $1 30 day trial to a coaching program...the whole theme is based on a secret society illumanati type thing. The person who is the coach is a multi-millionaire (Russel brunson).

    Thanks much for the advice ill put it to good use.
  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
    Bruce Wedding
    Use the word "most" and "millionaire" a lot more. I mean seriously, "millionaire" is only used 4 times which is only about 8% of your words. You don't have near enough hype.

    What is the BENEFIT? "The biggest secrets to becoming a millionaire online"? Lame

    Secret societies? The early 2000's called. They want their hook back.

    The adjective police called. They've issued an arrest warrant for you.

    The "Arrow Conservation Society" called. They've cited you for being over your squeeze page limit.

    Roget's called and offered you a free link to thesaurus.com

    The Optimists Society called to offer you and your dream of 30% conversions a lifetime achievement award.
  • Profile picture of the author TakenAction
    TakenAction
    Thanks for your responses guys!
  • Profile picture of the author NickN
    NickN
    Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post
    Use the word "most" and "millionaire" a lot more. I mean seriously, "millionaire" is only used 4 times which is only about 8% of your words. You don't have near enough hype.

    What is the BENEFIT? "The biggest secrets to becoming a millionaire online"? Lame

    Secret societies? The early 2000's called. They want their hook back.

    The adjective police called. They've issued an arrest warrant for you.

    The "Arrow Conservation Society" called. They've cited you for being over your squeeze page limit.

    Roget's called and offered you a free link to thesaurus.com

    The Optimists Society called to offer you and your dream of 30% conversions a lifetime achievement award.
    At least the OP's squeeze page is getting a lot of calls.
  • Profile picture of the author TakenAction
    TakenAction
    Originally Posted by NickN View Post
    At least the OP's squeeze page is getting a lot of calls.
    I'm sorry what?
  • Profile picture of the author NickN
    NickN
    Originally Posted by TakenAction View Post
    I'm sorry what?
    Joke, referring to Bruce's post.
  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    Steve The Copywriter
    A quick thought.

    I've noticed with lots of "get rich" promo's they tend to say "be a millionaire" or "multi - millionaire".

    Would it help to be ultra specific - saying $977,250 or maybe $7,577,000.

    Or any number you like - (many will say it helps if it ends with a 7).

    To me it makes the whole concept a touch more real with a dash of intrigue.


    Steve
  • Profile picture of the author DavidG
    DavidG
    So basically tighten up your copy, add more credibility as soon as you make a claim and for gods sake and for the life of Bruce, remove 1 arrow and make the other less spammy looking (smaller)...

    Doing this whole million-aire society won't intrigue anybody. They'll just become skeptical right away. Not to mention that a society isn't going to benefit anyone.

    You should get that coaching program, write down all the benefits your prospect could gain out of it and then write bullets. That should help you get started.
  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Evans
    Daniel Evans
    I'd introduce some graphics and rid of the italics which make it less readable.

    You can still spice up with graphics and keep it clean.


    Daniel
  • Profile picture of the author Dain
    Dain
    I personally wouldn't worry about building 'proof' on a squeeze page.

    Less is more on a squeeze page. The proof should be built in the actual sales presentation.

    The opt-in page should build curiosity. The only thing you should build in the squeeze page is believability, trust, and most importantly curiosity.

    To make it more believable maybe say something like: "Millionaire reveals how he made his first $100 online." *Many subscribers are looking to make their first buck... let alone their first million.

    Trust: Add some anti-spam icons,etc.

    Curiosity: I wouldn't even mention that it's a video. Just have a headline that has curiosity and that's it. No bullets.

    I have had opt-in rates using this formula in the IM niche and other niches above 70%.

    Cheers.
  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    davemiz
    i can only comment on the design....

    when i designed the "arrow down" squeeze page (you saw it with kern and walkers launches a few years ago), the whole point of it was to draw the eye to the optin box.

    that was it.

    so you've got 2 of them which almost nullifies the big one pointing down... which is the one that really draws the eye to it.

    I'd nuke the 2nd curved one.

    Also make the headline the most important part of the page visually. Right now it blends into the page and doesn't pop.

    I'd test everything black on the page except the arrow and the submit button.

    this will make the arrow and button pop.

    And third, test without the bullets and with. I find less is more, but only IF you have your headline nailed.

    good luck
  • Profile picture of the author DavidG
    DavidG
    Oh and another thing...

    Put some kind of background that sorta reflects what you're message is about... I can't find the links but there are some squeeze pages for Eben, Walker and other top peeps who put images of beaches, cruises, landscapes as their backgrounds...

    If somebody knows what I'm talking about and has the links/images chime in porfavor.
  • Profile picture of the author Sue McDonald
    Sue McDonald
    I have to agree with Dave Miz - there is no point to having two arrows. Go back to your form and delete the small one. I would also take out that the optin comes from Aweber.
    With all the times millionaire is mentioned, I find that a little over the top. To me it sounds a bit hype.
  • Profile picture of the author Moriarty
    Moriarty
    What a great page!

    I do agree about the arrows, only it is still QUITE CLEAR what you want your prospects to do with two. That is a detail of the third order.

    Fair warning: after a few days put up a squeeze page that says "this page has now closed" - where you ask them to sign up to another email list where they get to the chance to opt in later on!. That way you really are genuinely offering something that is time-dependent. Sure, you may lose one or two prospects - they will be the low end so won't be a worry.

    Oh, and put up a squeeze page that looks quite different (even if the content is much the same).

    Hope this helps.
  • Profile picture of the author TakenAction
    TakenAction
    I really appreciate all the responses guys! Thanks!
  • Profile picture of the author Kay VetsBills
    Kay VetsBills
    Also on your copy make sure your headline actually identifies your target audience straight away.

    So if you are selling a health care product to overweight people a key strategy that has worked for us is actually saying

    HEY if you are overweight or worried about your weight you need to read this

    It sounds daft but the quicker you can get someone attention the better!
  • Profile picture of the author RRG
    RRG
    People often overlook how a headline is broken up into multiple lines.

    Each line should have a self-contained idea.

    So, not changing your headline, but reformatting it . . .

    "FREE Video Reveals . . .
    The Secret Multi-Millionaire
    Online Society
    And How YOU Can Get In!"

    Couple points:

    1. Always put the word "free" in ALL CAPS.

    2. Put your headlines in quotation marks.

    Hope that helps.

    (EDIT: The headline should be centered, of course.)
  • Profile picture of the author Sue McDonald
    Sue McDonald
    Have you made any of the recommended changes or are you leaving as is? There are so many recommendations here on this thread but I cannot see if you have implemented them. Can you show us the site where you have made any changes?

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