How can this commercial script be improved

Profile picture of the author KostaKondra by
I'm doing a video for an SEO company and have had a sample script handed to me by the client.
The script is based on this ad:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/pxsxasr45x...on%20Video.mpg

Here is the first draft of the script
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing

Let me know what specifically you would improve and why.

Any input greatly appreciated!

Thanks guys!
#copy writing #commercial #improved #script

  • Profile picture of the author SpankinNewbie
    Honestly, I don't get it. I read it four times and have no idea what it is supposed to be about. Sorry.

    Maybe you can elaborate.
  • Profile picture of the author Moriarty
    Okay, so you have copied the script almost verbatim - only excised the emotional content of the issue. The guy in the video has - or might have - cancer.

    People doing SEO have bank balances.

    Losing the battle with the first isn't fun. Nor is the second, but then they do get bailed out by the taxpayer when you default on your debts.

    You need to focus on something that really worries SEOers. There's plenty evidence of that in this forum - take your pick! Then crank up the pressure and it might even click.
  • Profile picture of the author Jeremey
    I couldn't figure out what it had to do with SEO at all. Was the guy waiting at a Drs office, and worried about his SEO while he was waiting? What does that have to do with SEO? Or is this some sort of an "SEO clinic" where he's waiting on SEO Drs to give him the results of some test or something?

    There's nothing that really ties anything into what the product is. There's giant assumptions and holes to be filled that are left completely up to the prospect to resolve. And that doesn't make for effective advertising.

    Sorry, but I just can't offer any specific suggestions to improve the script, as I can't wrap my brain around the basic premise to begin with. Maybe a better idea to start from scratch with something new.
  • Profile picture of the author KostaKondra
    Hi Guys,

    Thanks for getting back to me with questions to clarify, so from what I understand as per the client's concept:

    - The waiting room is like the Google Webmaster Interface... or basically waiting to hear back from Google on the status of your website. Like for example let's say your website drops in rankings and you make changes and you're waiting for Google to get back to you to say your website will be back online (it's happened to me with one website as you resubmit and wait for their decision)
    - It's about an SEO company so basically it's for marketing managers that may still be doing "stupid SEO" such as building thousands of backlinks and this new business is basically trying to help marketing managers 'quit' before it's too late (hence the marketing budget report)

    Thanks again everyone!

    Kosta
  • Profile picture of the author Sue McDonald
    I really could not see why anyone would think that script would appeal to the public. The original ad shows a guy scared and hoping that he is all right and has not contracted cancer. It evokes sympathy for the guy and the audience hopes he will be OK.

    That script didn't do anything for me. I would scrap it and start again.
  • Profile picture of the author Shazadi
    Kosta, as you can probably tell from the responses here, the way the commercial is framed is way too metaphorical. With cancer testing a hospital waiting room makes sense, people get it immediately. With SEO it makes no sense. Customer confusion = death of your ad and possibly business. If people don't understand how your services can help them right off the bat, they aren't going to give you the time of day, and they certainly aren't going to sit around trying to figure out what you're selling.

    You say you're doing this for a client... I would try and provide a massive intervention for them, and recommend a more direct, benefits-oriented approach. Also, I would frame a company like this from a "what you stand to gain" position versus "what you stand to lose."

    Both approaches can work, but you aren't dealing with healthcare here, SEO is not that pressing to most people. A business owner would be much more interested in hearing how they can get more customers and profits vs hearing about how their business can fall into obscurity.

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