Can you beat these headlines?

by gjabiz 27 replies
First, thanks for your time and attention.

I'm seeking newer copywriters, for actual work...that is, you'll be paid.

I need a couple of headlines to start, so, first critique a few, OK?

This is for the Kindle project I'm working on. I've tested one Kindle book for the last couple of months. Many at my forum have rec'd it for free and have offered valuable feedback. It is at Cosmic Power Gaze (Russell Thomas Collection): Gordon Alexander: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

If you send me an email, I'll send you a copy for FREE gjabiz@yahoo.com The reason is so you can see my writing style for this series (about 25 titles).

Here are a couple of links to promotions I've done...you don't have to read the promotions, just the headlines and you can either email me, pm here or post up your critiques. The first is a pdf which should automatically open when you hit the link.

http://doomgloombliss.com/virgie.pdf

Animal Hypnotic-Fascination

These will give you a flavor for the series, and the general topics.

Thanks again for your time.

gjabiz

PS I'm not selling anything, I'm LOOKING, ok?
#copywriting #beat #headlines
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Ceskavich
    Whore is such a brutal word...
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    • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
      Originally Posted by Alex Ceskavich View Post

      Whore is such a brutal word...
      Can you come up with something that will beat it?

      gjabiz
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      • Profile picture of the author Pusateri
        Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

        Can you come up with something that will beat it?

        gjabiz
        Pimp is the most likely candidate.
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        • Profile picture of the author RuthStewart
          You could say prostitute instead of whore.

          Just a thought.

          Ruth

          P.S. Isn't a pimp someone who owns a prostitute and benefits from their earnings? Sorry, not really my area of expertise...........
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  • Profile picture of the author Thomas Michal
    prostitute, call girl, escort, fallen woman, harlot, hooker, hustler, lady of the evening, pro, slut, streetwalker, strumpet, tramp, working girl
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      A woman of that calibre pulling a cool million
      having a name of Courtasan would be appropriate.

      If your readership isn't too familiar with the term
      then high class call girl.

      Best,
      Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author RuthStewart
      Originally Posted by Thomas Michal View Post

      prostitute, call girl, escort, fallen woman, harlot, hooker, hustler, lady of the evening, pro, slut, streetwalker, strumpet, tramp, working girl
      I like working girl best.

      I think it fits.

      Ruth
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  • Profile picture of the author Pusateri
    Whore is the right word. It's the most visceral choice. Slaps you in the face.

    If you write with impact you are going to offend some people. That's the price of impact.

    Those unwilling to pay it write flaccid copy.

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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      My understanding of the word whore is associated with sex.

      Many high class courtesans don't have sex with their clients.

      This we may never know about her though.

      Best,
      Ewen

      Originally Posted by Pusateri View Post

      Whore is the right word. It's the most visceral choice. Slaps you in the face.

      If you write with impact you are going to offend some people. That's the price of impact.

      Those unwilling to pay it write flaccid copy.
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    • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
      Originally Posted by Pusateri View Post

      Whore is the right word. It's the most visceral choice. Slaps you in the face.

      If you write with impact you are going to offend some people. That's the price of impact.

      Those unwilling to pay it write flaccid copy.
      Heh. Flaccid. I see what you did there.
      Signature

      For women ONLY...start getting what you want, when you want it. Join the Club.

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    • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
      Banned
      Originally Posted by Pusateri View Post

      Whore is the right word. It's the most visceral choice. Slaps you in the face.

      If you write with impact you are going to offend some people. That's the price of impact.

      Those unwilling to pay it write flaccid copy.
      Disagree. Strongly. "Whore" has very negative connotations. "Call Girl" is the word you need. Its also a far "sexier" (pun intended) word. And I would argue that it has even more "impact" than "whore".

      So the "head" line becomes -

      Persuasion Secrets of a Million Dollar Callgirl

      7 Figure a Year Escort Blows the Lid Off Sex for the Rich & Famous
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      • Profile picture of the author max5ty
        Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

        Disagree. Strongly. "Whore" has very negative connotations. "Call Girl" is the word you need. Its also a far "sexier" (pun intended) word. And I would argue that it has even more "impact" than "whore".

        So the "head" line becomes -

        Persuasion Secrets of a Million Dollar Callgirl

        7 Figure a Year Escort Blows the Lid Off Sex for the Rich & Famous
        Actually, I think escort works better, but that's my opinion. Seems in the U.S. they're always called escorts when they're arrested.

        Something about the whole "persuasion secrets" thing doesn't sound right to me. Can't put my finger on it...but it's not good. Just don't think it resonates with the reader...
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        • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
          Banned
          Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

          Seems in the U.S. they're always called escorts when they're arrested.
          Really? I just entered "call girl" into the Amazon search and got a whole bunch of US-published books - including "College Call Girl"..."Secret Diary of a Call Girl"..."Confessions of a College Call Girl"..."Cop to Call Girl"..."Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl"..."God's Call Girl"...15 pages of entries. Even one from Elmore Leonard called...you guessed it - "Callgirls".

          ...and this one -
          Hos, Hookers, Call Girls, and Rent Boys: Professionals Writing on Life, Love, Money, and Sex
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          • Profile picture of the author max5ty
            Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

            Really? I just entered "call girl" into the Amazon search and got a whole bunch of US-published books - including "College Call Girl"..."Secret Diary of a Call Girl"..."Confessions of a College Call Girl"..."Cop to Call Girl"..."Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl"..."God's Call Girl"...15 pages of entries. Even one from Elmore Leonard called...you guessed it - "Callgirls".

            ...and this one -
            Hos, Hookers, Call Girls, and Rent Boys: Professionals Writing on Life, Love, Money, and Sex
            Really?

            I just entered "escorts" and got over 60 million results.

            I entered "callgirls" and got 11 million....I then entered "call girls" and most of them talked about "escorts".
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            • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
              Banned
              Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

              Really?

              I just entered "escorts" and got over 60 million results.

              I entered "callgirls" and got 11 million....I then entered "call girls" and most of them talked about "escorts".
              "Escort" brings up all sorts of results - including "escort cars". "Call girl" is far more specific. But whatever. I'm suggesting he uses them both.
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              • Profile picture of the author max5ty
                Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

                "Escort" brings up all sorts of results - including "escort cars". "Call girl" is far more specific. But whatever. I'm suggesting he uses them both.
                Fair enough.

                I'm still not sure about the "persuasion secrets" though. It's not right.

                Wish I could explain why...it's just not what the average reader will understand.
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                • Profile picture of the author DavidG
                  Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

                  Fair enough.

                  I'm still not sure about the "persuasion secrets" though. It's not right.

                  Wish I could explain why...it's just not what the average reader will understand.
                  Yeah I have the same feeling...but maybe because Call Girls don't really need to sell anything, right?

                  It's about how she's able to charge so damn much. And perhaps this is what the headline should capitalize on.

                  I say... kill the main headline and first deck copy sentence.

                  And do something like:

                  HEADLINE: 7 Figure a Year Escort claims The Secret to her Ridiculous Fee's isn't about SEX, but the result of the “Magic Words” she whispers in her clients' Ears.

                  Deck Copy: Want to know what she says?
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      • Profile picture of the author Pusateri
        Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

        Disagree. Strongly. "Whore" has very negative connotations. "Call Girl" is the word you need. Its also a far "sexier" (pun intended) word. And I would argue that it has even more "impact" than "whore".

        So the "head" line becomes -

        Persuasion Secrets of a Million Dollar Callgirl

        7 Figure a Year Escort Blows the Lid Off Sex for the Rich & Famous
        Fair point. I still like the stop 'em in their tracks power of whore, but I can see how with a design to complement it, your callgirl head would be more enticing.

        Somehow I totally missed that gem in the sub head until you reformatted it.
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  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    "whore" is not the right word...it obviously sounds like a guy writing. Women would be turned off.

    I think the word escort is not only more mysterious, but also better sounding.
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  • I hope Gordon won't mind me mentioning this.

    But the "pitch" reminded me of a book Dan Kennedy did with Sydney Biddle Barrows.

    "Uncensored Sales Strategies"

    Must say though, Gordons copy is a lot better (but like the others have said I wouldn't use the "W" word).


    Steve
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  • Profile picture of the author Daedalus15
    In stead of using the word whore or call girl how do you guys feel about taking a direct quote from the copy:

    "Call me all the names you can think of, but I'm having orgasms all
    the way to the bank”

    And using that as the main headline
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
    I remember reading a course about "ugly yellow signs". These are the signs you see on street corners selling houses. They deliberately look like they're written by some average joe in Magic marker.

    There was a case study about a guy that used the headline, "Must sell my house because my wife is a whore."

    He KILLED it with that sign. Response was off the charts compared to others.

    Visceral works. The headline just has to get them to read the next line.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    As always...comes down to testing.
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    • Profile picture of the author Jeremey
      If we're just talking headlines here, I see a disconnect Gordon between "Million Dollar" and "Whore."

      "Whore" does the job of grabbing attention, but the contrast between "million dollar" and "whore" interrupts my attention span, if only for a moment.

      My reasoning is that while I love the word "Whore" as an attention grabber, most people associate "Whore" with common street level prostitute, as in "Crack whore." "Million dollar" does not compliment "whore."

      "Persuasion Secrets of a Million Dollar Escort" still retains some visceral association with persuasion and sex, and it eliminates the little speed bump that some may experience due to the incongruity between "million dollar" and "whore."

      Prospects may be more likely to associate "Escort" with million dollar clients such as Tiger Woods and Eliot Spitzer. It's more lucrative.

      EDIT: Crap, you just posted while I was making my comment.
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    Some of you commented last year, it's been almost a year since that was written.

    It actually is a promotion for several different products, each a small work to be sold on Kindle.

    Now I have access to advanced and sophisticated eye tracking devices...and of the scores of headlines which were looked at, the Whore headline got the deepest read into the promotion. Also, there was a significant difference between men and women.

    To date, and someone got it right, the promotion doesn't match the offer...this version which is targeted to men interested in persuasion techniques. So, much of this doesn't match up. One fellow with the different headline, about orgasms all the way to the bank is a good (in my opinion) one to examine,

    I appreciate everyone's time and comments. Just as an aside, in thousands of eye tracking studies, it has been proven time and again, the headline and deck copy, followed by the PS are the most read parts of almost all promotion, and the deck copy must get them interested enough to keep reading.

    Agree with TESTING being the answer and this promotion and variations have been in the testing part for pert near a year.

    The tests have included market segmentation, including multi-channel testing for different markets and niches including the "pick-up" market, the find a mate, the better sex and romance market...

    The work is similar to those popular, in the day, little Blue Books, which many of you know from J-H first 100 M.

    And as you know, he tested titles and headlines like no one else has, turning work done once into several titles in his series.

    Thanks so much for offering up your advice, it is appreciated.

    gjabiz
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