Can you beat these headlines?

by 27 comments
First, thanks for your time and attention.

I'm seeking newer copywriters, for actual work...that is, you'll be paid.

I need a couple of headlines to start, so, first critique a few, OK?

This is for the Kindle project I'm working on. I've tested one Kindle book for the last couple of months. Many at my forum have rec'd it for free and have offered valuable feedback. It is at Cosmic Power Gaze (Russell Thomas Collection): Gordon Alexander: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

If you send me an email, I'll send you a copy for FREE gjabiz@yahoo.com The reason is so you can see my writing style for this series (about 25 titles).

Here are a couple of links to promotions I've done...you don't have to read the promotions, just the headlines and you can either email me, pm here or post up your critiques. The first is a pdf which should automatically open when you hit the link.

http://doomgloombliss.com/virgie.pdf

Animal Hypnotic-Fascination

These will give you a flavor for the series, and the general topics.

Thanks again for your time.

gjabiz

PS I'm not selling anything, I'm LOOKING, ok?
#copy writing #beat #headlines

  • Profile picture of the author Alex Ceskavich
    Whore is such a brutal word...
  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    Originally Posted by Alex Ceskavich View Post

    Whore is such a brutal word...
    Can you come up with something that will beat it?

    gjabiz
  • Profile picture of the author Pusateri
    Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

    Can you come up with something that will beat it?

    gjabiz
    Pimp is the most likely candidate.
  • Profile picture of the author RuthStewart
    You could say prostitute instead of whore.

    Just a thought.

    Ruth

    P.S. Isn't a pimp someone who owns a prostitute and benefits from their earnings? Sorry, not really my area of expertise...........
  • Profile picture of the author Thomas Michal
    prostitute, call girl, escort, fallen woman, harlot, hooker, hustler, lady of the evening, pro, slut, streetwalker, strumpet, tramp, working girl
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    A woman of that calibre pulling a cool million
    having a name of Courtasan would be appropriate.

    If your readership isn't too familiar with the term
    then high class call girl.

    Best,
    Ewen
  • Profile picture of the author Pusateri
    Whore is the right word. It's the most visceral choice. Slaps you in the face.

    If you write with impact you are going to offend some people. That's the price of impact.

    Those unwilling to pay it write flaccid copy.

  • Profile picture of the author RuthStewart
    Originally Posted by Thomas Michal View Post

    prostitute, call girl, escort, fallen woman, harlot, hooker, hustler, lady of the evening, pro, slut, streetwalker, strumpet, tramp, working girl
    I like working girl best.

    I think it fits.

    Ruth
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    My understanding of the word whore is associated with sex.

    Many high class courtesans don't have sex with their clients.

    This we may never know about her though.

    Best,
    Ewen

    Originally Posted by Pusateri View Post

    Whore is the right word. It's the most visceral choice. Slaps you in the face.

    If you write with impact you are going to offend some people. That's the price of impact.

    Those unwilling to pay it write flaccid copy.
  • Profile picture of the author angiecolee
    Originally Posted by Pusateri View Post

    Whore is the right word. It's the most visceral choice. Slaps you in the face.

    If you write with impact you are going to offend some people. That's the price of impact.

    Those unwilling to pay it write flaccid copy.
    Heh. Flaccid. I see what you did there.
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    "Trust in meeee." Sorry Gordon couldn't resist.

    No pun intended. Well, if so, just slightly so.

    Talking of animal hypnotic fascination, a
    cosmic power gaze demonstration is freely
    available at 1 minute 24 seconds...

  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    "whore" is not the right word...it obviously sounds like a guy writing. Women would be turned off.

    I think the word escort is not only more mysterious, but also better sounding.
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Originally Posted by Pusateri View Post

    Whore is the right word. It's the most visceral choice. Slaps you in the face.

    If you write with impact you are going to offend some people. That's the price of impact.

    Those unwilling to pay it write flaccid copy.
    Disagree. Strongly. "Whore" has very negative connotations. "Call Girl" is the word you need. Its also a far "sexier" (pun intended) word. And I would argue that it has even more "impact" than "whore".

    So the "head" line becomes -

    Persuasion Secrets of a Million Dollar Callgirl

    7 Figure a Year Escort Blows the Lid Off Sex for the Rich & Famous
  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

    Disagree. Strongly. "Whore" has very negative connotations. "Call Girl" is the word you need. Its also a far "sexier" (pun intended) word. And I would argue that it has even more "impact" than "whore".

    So the "head" line becomes -

    Persuasion Secrets of a Million Dollar Callgirl

    7 Figure a Year Escort Blows the Lid Off Sex for the Rich & Famous
    Actually, I think escort works better, but that's my opinion. Seems in the U.S. they're always called escorts when they're arrested.

    Something about the whole "persuasion secrets" thing doesn't sound right to me. Can't put my finger on it...but it's not good. Just don't think it resonates with the reader...
  • Profile picture of the author Pusateri
    Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

    Disagree. Strongly. "Whore" has very negative connotations. "Call Girl" is the word you need. Its also a far "sexier" (pun intended) word. And I would argue that it has even more "impact" than "whore".

    So the "head" line becomes -

    Persuasion Secrets of a Million Dollar Callgirl

    7 Figure a Year Escort Blows the Lid Off Sex for the Rich & Famous
    Fair point. I still like the stop 'em in their tracks power of whore, but I can see how with a design to complement it, your callgirl head would be more enticing.

    Somehow I totally missed that gem in the sub head until you reformatted it.
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

    Seems in the U.S. they're always called escorts when they're arrested.
    Really? I just entered "call girl" into the Amazon search and got a whole bunch of US-published books - including "College Call Girl"..."Secret Diary of a Call Girl"..."Confessions of a College Call Girl"..."Cop to Call Girl"..."Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl"..."God's Call Girl"...15 pages of entries. Even one from Elmore Leonard called...you guessed it - "Callgirls".

    ...and this one -
    Hos, Hookers, Call Girls, and Rent Boys: Professionals Writing on Life, Love, Money, and Sex
  • Profile picture of the author max5ty
    Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

    Really? I just entered "call girl" into the Amazon search and got a whole bunch of US-published books - including "College Call Girl"..."Secret Diary of a Call Girl"..."Confessions of a College Call Girl"..."Cop to Call Girl"..."Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl"..."God's Call Girl"...15 pages of entries. Even one from Elmore Leonard called...you guessed it - "Callgirls".

    ...and this one -
    Hos, Hookers, Call Girls, and Rent Boys: Professionals Writing on Life, Love, Money, and Sex
    Really?

    I just entered "escorts" and got over 60 million results.

    I entered "callgirls" and got 11 million....I then entered "call girls" and most of them talked about "escorts".
  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    I hope Gordon won't mind me mentioning this.

    But the "pitch" reminded me of a book Dan Kennedy did with Sydney Biddle Barrows.

    "Uncensored Sales Strategies"

    Must say though, Gordons copy is a lot better (but like the others have said I wouldn't use the "W" word).


    Steve
  • Profile picture of the author Daedalus15
    In stead of using the word whore or call girl how do you guys feel about taking a direct quote from the copy:

    "Call me all the names you can think of, but I'm having orgasms all
    the way to the bank”

    And using that as the main headline
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Originally Posted by max5ty View Post

    Really?

    I just entered "escorts" and got over 60 million results.

    I entered "callgirls" and got 11 million....I then entered "call girls" and most of them talked about "escorts".
    "Escort" brings up all sorts of results - including "escort cars". "Call girl" is far more specific. But whatever. I'm suggesting he uses them both.

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