Need Sales Letter Critique

by 15 comments
Hey everybody. This is my first time writing a sales letter. This for a local service. I would like to get some critiques on the letter so I can know if I need to tighten some of it up.


Are You Sick of taking that long walk to the dumpster to get rid of your trash? I might be able to help.


I know you are frustrated with the hassle of taking your trash out to the dumpster once a week (or even worse everyday). It is cold outside this time of year, and nobody is looking forward to going outside, let alone walking and or driving 2-4 blocks to the dumpster. This has been an inconvenience to me over the last few weeks since the trash pickup stopped, and I am sure that you have been inconvenienced by this as well. I’ve watched as neighbors trash build up week after week with no solution to their problem in sight. Thats when I got the idea to take it upon myself to solve the problem that not only to my problem, but the problem of my community as well. I am offering to do a weekly trash pickup personally to your apartment, to save you the hassle of having to waste all that time and energy with taking the trash out to the dump yourself. It is cold outside, nobody wants to do this, and the leasing office doesn’t plan on offering the service anytime soon. Allow me to save you the inconvenience.

Advantages of having a waste pickup service:

Enjoying the same peace of mind that comes from knowing that we are committed to providing you with on-time, every-time waste pickup as the rest of your neighbors.

We help you to save time on the stuff you don’t really want to do, like taking a walk to the dump. While giving you more time to do the things you want, like relaxing after a long day.

*Third example*


Call me directly at xxx.xxx.xxxx to get started this week.
#copywriting #critique #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Andrews
    Originally Posted by SubUrbanHype View Post


    Hey everybody. This is my first time writing a sales letter. This for a local service. I would like to get some critiques on the letter so I can know if I need to tighten some of it up.
    There's such a word as 'please' as in...

    "I would like to get some critiques on the letter please so I can know if I need to tighten some of it up."

    A few manners go a long way.

    Bruce Wedding summed it up perfectly with these two threads from many moons ago...

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...copy-here.html

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...critiques.html

    Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post


    We all have skills and all of our time is valuable. We're also all in the business of making money.

    What if, instead of coming in here asking for a free critique, you come here and say one of these lines:

    "For a quality, free critique, I will..."

    "use my graphics skills to create you a banner or header."
    "offer you an hour of my php skills to setup a script or code a simple split test."
    "use my article writing skills and write you a 300 word article."
    "backup your sql database."
    "setup a Wordpress blog for you."
    "produce a video or audio for you."
    "give you a copy of my product."
    "give you some PLR stuff I have legal rights to."
    "setup a new domain, redirects, create email and ftp accounts."
    "give you a video testimonial for your sales page."
    "create 10 backlinks for you on high PR sites."
    "post on my blog about your copywriting skills."

    You get the idea. Wouldn't this be a lot better deal for everyone involved? Or is it just about what YOU require?

    Copywriters, feel free to add suggestions.
  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    Mark,

    Please stop insisting that people say please. Because they just don't (lol).

    I know, I know manners always help. But English may not be the OP's main language and he or she inadvertently forgot to say "please".

    At least refer him or her to -

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html

    Or just do a quick critique.

    Like...

    Tighten up the copy (deleting most of the non stop repetitious wording and phrasing). Keep it in logical order. Make the point with the right emotional impact. And move on.

    Use enticing subheads. Never write a paragraph more than 4 - 5 lines long.

    * Powerful Pre Headline, Main Headline and Sub Headline

    * State The Problem - Amplify it - Then Provide the Optimum Solution

    * Who are you and why should people listen to you?

    * Got a good story that ties in perfectly? - then use it

    * Benefit, Benefit and Benefit (using bullet points)

    * And Prove, Prove Prove - how and why the service is utterly indispensable

    * Irresistible Offer - with a pricing structure

    * Genuine scarcity element

    * Glorious Testimonials

    * Reminder of the problems with the joy of the solution

    * Give something valuable free

    * Rock solid Guarantee

    * Strong, compelling persuasive close - making people say 'Yes, we must get this"

    * P.S. Highlighting the benefits and the dire and dreadful consequences if the good people don't use this service. With the immense emotional relief, pleasure and satisfaction when they do.



    And then say this type of Promo is absolutely ideal for a Postcard delivered to the target neighbourhoods.


    Steve
  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    [DELETED]
  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    Mark,

    It helps me if I stay "real"

    This is a 2013 copywriting forum.

    On the wild, anarchic inter web.

    Not a 1950's dining debate on decorum.

    I wasn't criticising you on your mission to encourage "more good manners"

    It's a good thing.

    It just might take a while especially in an internet chat room.


    Steve
  • Profile picture of the author SubUrbanHype
    I figured the "please" was implied. This is the copywriting forum, and I was hoping to get some suggestions on the copy. Not a discussion on "manners."

    To answer Jimbo13's question:
    Yes, there is an apartment complex near where I live stopped doing trash pickup, from what I am guessing because they are cheap and were looking for ways to cut some costs, and decided to toss the responsibility to the tenants.
  • Profile picture of the author BudaBrit
    OP, I think the main problem is your use of the word "Need" in your thread title. It's a put off...

    In terms of your copy, and I'm only a beginner, yet, I wouldn't read it.

    A block of text? No thanks.

    Number 1 (well, maybe not, but close) rule: White Space!

    Break it down. Short sentences, short paragraphs. Paragraphs of different length.

    Shorter words.

    This:

    Thats when I got the idea to take it upon myself to solve the problem that not only to my problem, but the problem of my community as well
    Is not only wordy but doesn't make any sence.

    Joe Ditzel made a great list for beginners, there will be something of use there: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...pywriters.html

  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    Originally Posted by SubUrbanHype View Post

    Hey everybody. This is my first time writing a sales letter. This for a local service. I would like to get some critiques on the letter so I can know if I need to tighten some of it up.
    Hi,

    I think you are off to a great start. Structuring your letter, offer and what you want to say better will help a lot.

    First start with getting clear about what you want to offer, like...

    "In exchange for x dollars per month I will pick up your garbage once per week"

    You need to put that offer into your copy. How much it is, what exactly you are giving, and how to order.

    Next I would tighten things up more, your copy is doing a good job of talking about what motivates your prospect.

    Now make it clearer, easier to read, and use better grammar.

    Some suggestions to help raise response, these do not work 100% of the time, they need to be tested:

    > Try adding in sub-headlines
    > Test using yellow color paper
    > Try creating an order coupon
    > Try coming up with a creative, inticing offer like 'first month is only $1 then just $x after that"
    > Provide a guarantee
    > Give your full name in the letter
    > Provide your address in the letter
    > Test attaching a grabber such as a little piece of a garbage bag to get peoples attention
  • Profile picture of the author verial
    Simple but useful rule:

    Never use a question in the headline to which a reader can easily answer NO.

    In short, you're essentially saying upfront that your service only offers one benefit.

    E.g., I don't necessarily hate walking a couple blocks, but I might still benefit from saving the effort/time. Leave an opportunity for me to get past your headline and read what you're offering, in other words.

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