Aw, How Cute! A Newb's First Sales E-Mail! Now Rip It to Shreds
Hello, cruel world!
I am a dumb liberal arts grad who has just written her first sales e-mail. I am hoping that you will be able to point and laugh at it, then tell me why it sucks.
Please
I'm attaching it as a PDF with my client's name and information removed because my tinfoil-hatted friends tell me that the Big Google Freemason Illuminati Society reads all text online forever. The client and I are planning to send the actual e-mail in text form, of course.
Basically, we're e-mailing people who haven't visited our sales page yet, but have expressed interest in our biz op. Our ideal lead is a mid-to-high income male between the ages of 30 and 55 who is already running a successful business, but has not attained financial freedom. He's worried that he doesn't spend enough time with his family and that he'll never be able to retire comfortably.
He doesn't have a college degree or know much about Internet marketing, but he's a sharp guy with transferable skills from the world of traditional sales, such as the ability to make cold calls without pissing his pants.
We don't want desperate scrubs who are just looking for a way to "make money online" with no business experience because they're probably not going to be able to keep up with this program.
The video we mention in the e-mail just explains how the product works and gives a little information about the biz op. The video directly below it on the sales page is longer and tries to get people to sign up as distributors for the product. To sign up, distributors need a starter kit. Kits range from about $250 to $550.
Now, please spank me and tell me what a bad little copywriter I've been.
I am a dumb liberal arts grad who has just written her first sales e-mail. I am hoping that you will be able to point and laugh at it, then tell me why it sucks.
Please
I'm attaching it as a PDF with my client's name and information removed because my tinfoil-hatted friends tell me that the Big Google Freemason Illuminati Society reads all text online forever. The client and I are planning to send the actual e-mail in text form, of course.
Basically, we're e-mailing people who haven't visited our sales page yet, but have expressed interest in our biz op. Our ideal lead is a mid-to-high income male between the ages of 30 and 55 who is already running a successful business, but has not attained financial freedom. He's worried that he doesn't spend enough time with his family and that he'll never be able to retire comfortably.
He doesn't have a college degree or know much about Internet marketing, but he's a sharp guy with transferable skills from the world of traditional sales, such as the ability to make cold calls without pissing his pants.
We don't want desperate scrubs who are just looking for a way to "make money online" with no business experience because they're probably not going to be able to keep up with this program.
The video we mention in the e-mail just explains how the product works and gives a little information about the biz op. The video directly below it on the sales page is longer and tries to get people to sign up as distributors for the product. To sign up, distributors need a starter kit. Kits range from about $250 to $550.
Now, please spank me and tell me what a bad little copywriter I've been.
Don't have the time to write emails that will get opened, read and your reader to take action then leave me a message. I will get back to you within 48 hrs.
The Most Bad-Ass Tax Reduction Strategist for Internet Marketers who HATE paying taxes. See my happy clients
Aspiring copywriters: if you need 1:1 advice from an experienced copy chief, head over to my Phone a Friend page.
"Creativity is overrated. Most business success comes from developing a system that produces consistent results." -Ray Kroc