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What do you think about this copy?

by tyrudolph
3 replies
This is intended for an owner of a Sylvan Learning Center who owns 8 total franchises. Looking to get into 1 with the hope of getting all of them and then the recommendation to other Sylvan franchise owners.

Please let me know what you think.

Copy:

Hi Patrick. This may seem a bit odd and bold....

I know your Parents word-of-mouth is your strongest sales tool. What if I said you are missing at least 4-5 new students per month?

Together we can leverage the Social Proof of your parents and take it online. I want to build you a 5-Star Reputation Online that Forces Parents to Call You and not Huntington, Club-Z, and other competition.

Patrick, here is the catch...We Want to Do Your first Center FREE.

In exchange we ask you to promote our service to other Sylvan Learning Centers. And when you do, we want to compensate you.

I think this could be great marketing for your Sylvan. Let me give you a call to talk about this opportunity.

Let me know when would be a good time to talk, I am open.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Chad Rudolph
Reputation Marketing Local
xxx-xxx-xxxx
xxx@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx.com

Ps. Attached is a before and after of your reputation. I think you should take a look.
#copy
  • Profile picture of the author KingOfContentMarketing
    I wouldn't start with "this may seem a bit odd and bold." Don't dilly dally, Sally. Hit them right away with benefits and reasons why.
    Signature
    Marketing is not a battle of products. It is a battle of perceptions.
    - Jack Trout
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I think there's massive room for improvement. The overall tone feels like you're sorta shooting in the dark. Gimme a shot and we'll see what we can do.

    Tell the guy exactly what you plan on doing and why it's going to work. Leverage social proof? What the hell does that mean? You know and I know but don't assume anyone else knows. Try this:
    Once I'm onboard with your new campaign I'll be visiting with some of your most satisfied customers getting powerful personal endorsements that we'll use to...

    I don't know what you're going to do but you do. Tell the guy. And don't think he's going to take your idea and do it himself. He won't. You've gotta come across as a guy who gets things done, someone who knows what he's doing. I get the sense you're just starting out. If that's not the case make a big deal out of one or more successful campaigns you've run. As it stands the letter reeks of insecurity. It's iffy. It's non-specific. You can do better.
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