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need an opinion of my copy

by Shlomi Khutoretsky
8 replies
What do you think of my copy on that site ?

Learn How the Heavy-Hitters Recruit, Train, and Retain Top Affiliates | Affiliate Boss

Does it look pro, semi or total crap ?

Does it look like a legitimate sales copy or a scam like copy ?

Your opinion appreciated.

Thanks,

Shlomi
#copy #oinion
  • Profile picture of the author Ken Strong
    Hi, Shlomi,

    I think the biggest problem with the copy right now is it sounds like it was written by someone who isn't a native English speaker. I have no trouble understanding what it's saying, but it doesn't sound like two people having a conversation, and anyone reading it is going to stumble over the weird phrasing and choice of words.
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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    I agree with Ken about the language. Also 99.999% of the time if a
    headline uses the word "that", the headline could be improved.
    You have 2 "that's"

    - You should aim for the first sentence to be short ... or appear to be short.
    -language is too tame (probably, might, could etc.) Is it or is it not?
    -I don't think the picture of the guy helps your case. He looks constipated.
    - Indent the headline more and use larger fonts
    -to go along with the name of the program the copy needs more "attitude"
    (think RichJerk but not so blatant.)

    In essence, you still have along way to go.

    -Ray Edwards
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    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author Shlomi Khutoretsky
      Originally Posted by Raydal View Post

      I agree with Ken about the language. Also 99.999% of the time if a
      headline uses the word "that", the headline could be improved.
      You have 2 "that's"

      - You should aim for the first sentence to be short ... or appear to be short.
      -language is too tame (probably, might, could etc.) Is it or is it not?
      -I don't think the picture of the guy helps your case. He looks constipated.
      - Indent the headline more and use larger fonts
      -to go along with the name of the program the copy needs more "attitude"
      (think RichJerk but not so blatant.)

      In essence, you still have along way to go.

      -Ray Edwards
      by "language is too tame" you mean that i need to be more " i know what you need and i am sure about it" ?

      and which guy looks constipated? the fat guy ? or the skinny control guy ?

      Thanks for your help,

      Shlomi
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      אימון אישי | נווה פריצקי
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      • Profile picture of the author Raydal
        Originally Posted by articlerelated View Post

        by "language is too tame" you mean that i need to be more " i know what you need and i am sure about it" ?

        and which guy looks constipated? the fat guy ? or the skinny control guy ?

        Thanks for your help,

        Shlomi
        Check this post to see what I mean by 'tame'.

        http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ame-sales.html

        It's the guy on the cover and header.

        -Ray Edwards
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        The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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  • Profile picture of the author trakshun
    I think that it can be edited somewhat to make it sound better. Just a quick glance through and for starters, the heading needs to be changed/shortened to grab the audiences attention, in not so many words..

    Examples can be

    Do You Want To Get Out of The Rat Race...

    or Want to Get Out of the Rat Race.....

    You Can, Right Now With This Amazing (offer) (opportunity) and so on

    Copy needs to be edited and tightened up, made to captivate the aud especially those who are new or about to become affiliate marketers, rather than stumbling through trying to pick through the strong points.

    Hope that helps you out a bit
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  • Profile picture of the author vistad
    Originally Posted by articlerelated View Post

    What do you think of my copy on that site ?

    Learn How the Heavy-Hitters Recruit, Train, and Retain Top Affiliates | Affiliate Boss

    Does it look pro, semi or total crap ?

    Does it look like a legitimate sales copy or a scam like copy ?

    Your opinion appreciated.

    Thanks,

    Shlomi
    In the heading you have two ideas. Talk only about one idea.

    Most of the subheading are not adding value to the readier e.g. 'You will understand' or something to that effect.

    You are selling a $417 product. You could include a few references, possibly even a video track of someone who has used the book.

    Best
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    One thing I noticed is lacking in your copy is 1) testimonials and 2) proof/credibility.

    This is going to be a major stumbling block. There are thousands of such products out there - yours needs an edge. Proven results is part of that, and a USP is another. You don't necessarily have to include a story in this, I don't think, but it may help.

    You also don't really hit on the benefits too much, and when you do, they sound, as others mentioned, "tame". Nothing really "kicked me in the gut" in your copy; I was kind of like "meh, so what?". Not the effect you want to have.

    Ultimately your copy is a long way off being polished enough to have a critique, IMHO. Critiques are great for helping diagnose the nitty-gritty, but you need to have the foundation in place. Otherwise we're all just going to point out the big stuff.

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author David Raybould
    Hi Shlomi,

    It's a decent looking page, but the
    copy is definitely holding it back.

    First of all you need a headline that
    pops... something that grabs
    your reader immediately.

    Put some specifics in there. How
    many more affiliates will they get?
    How much more money have others
    made? How long will it take?

    Without specifics, your headline
    won't pass the "so what" test...

    The copy in general is very
    mundane. You'll lose your
    readers early, and they'll
    stay lost.

    You want the writing to be
    exciting - in order to get
    money from a visitor, you
    need to pump them up, get
    them jazzed about what you're
    telling them.

    If you don't they'll just click away.

    Want to take a huge step
    forward with this copy?

    Go back through it and cut
    every sentence down so it's
    as short as it can possibly be.

    That will make it ten times
    more readable.

    And get some proof. You'll
    struggle to make any sales
    at all without some proof
    that it works, or proof that
    other people have bought it.

    Good luck.

    -David Raybould
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    Killer Emails. Cash-spewing VSLs. Turbocharged Landing Pages.

    Whatever you need, my high converting copy puts more money in your pocket. PM for details. 10 years experience and 9 figure revenues.
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