Critique Request: Screenwriting Analysis Sales Letter

Hey Tim,

Congrats on completing your sales letter

I can see you've incorporated a lot of the advice you received from your previous post, and I also see some things you've added from some other recent threads.

In short, I think it'll work but there's A LOT of room for improvement.

I didn't go through it extensively but here are some thoughts:

1) The positioning is weak. Whenever you land on a page you instantly get a feeling. Yours is a little too fun and friendly. I'd shoot for more slick and powerful.

I'm not crazy about the name. "Screenwriting Smarts"? And "Teaching people who write scripts and screenplays"? The whole header is a little too mickey mouse. I do however, like the signature placement and self aggrandizement. I also like the headshot and the logos above the fold (even though you're walking a fine line by using them)

2) The headline could be better. Think about what they really want. Fame and fortune. The lifestyle. To see their name on the opening credits of the next blockbuster.

3) Too many options. A confused mind says no. I'd eliminate silver and platinum. Three is enough. And have it so they're next to each other horizontally.

4) More emotional infusion. More story telling. More painting the picture of the lifestyle that is possible while communicating that you understand their struggles. You know this world well, yes? So grab them by the shirt collar and let them know that you do! Details, details, details.

I'd also share a little dirt on the dark side of Hollywood and the industry. People love that stuff lol

This is not very good.

Lets start with the subhead:

"Want script coverage notes to improve your story almost overnight?"

Change it to:

"Want to improve your story almost overnight?"

"“If You’ve Ever Wondered How To Write Box Office Bursting, Blockbuster Screenplays That Literally Keep Hollywood Execs Tossing And Turning, Unable To Sleep Until They Buy Your Script… Then This Will Be One Of The Most Important Things You Ever Read!”“

Change to:

"How To Write Box Office Bursting,
Blockbuster Screenplays That Hollywood Execs Will Buy"

You need to add in a credibility element at the top, not beneath!!!!!!!

"Cal Davis - world wide author of "101 tips to fix your script" & "What's in a name? 25 Ways to name your screenplay" who trained for 3 years with top script doctors and screenplay consultants reveals..." <<< goes above headline.

Your design and formatting are hard to read. The green bullets are almost impossible to read.

Your ad is just a bit overdone without the really fantastic readability it needs. Your design makes your ad a bit hard to read. Also it needs some editing, your using 10 words to say what could be said with 2.

This is obviously a John Carlton swipe of his One-Legged golfer ad. Why dont you use the same formatting as his ad? Why did you swipe his proven letter and then use this wierd ass formatting?

Take a look at this, simple, easy to read. No bullshit formatting. I agree with putting testimonials in the sidebars but a lot of what your doing is just over the top and interferes with reading.

http://www.agorafinancial.com/report...?code=WOSTN200

Some of the graphics help readability and some of them are interfering. Your basically overdoing it a little. The idea is to make it easy to read.

I can tell somebody hasnt used the whole course from A to Z because you clearly didnt use much of an outline. This has all been squished together in a jumble of swipes, reasons why and a bunch of other crap that KILLS your copys momentum.

Your trying to piece together a salesletter after you've written it instead of being clear on what your going to write before you write it.

You need to go back, outline everything you will say very clearly, edit it for momentum, cut out every needless word and put the energy back in this copy. It starts out strong then gets into a muddle of crap.

I just gave it a once over, and I'm not your target market, but it seems pretty strong to me. Your first headline is especially powerful.

I just have one question... does it make sales?

Hey Guys! Thanks for the comments! I'll respond to all of you one at a time in this reply...


Robert_Rand:

1) Weak Positioning: I tried to shoot for the "every man" type of positioning, since that's really the kind of guy I am, and I'm hoping to show writers that if I can do it, they can do it too. I couldn't really do the "old wise guru" type of thing because there are other personalities in the industry that already do that much better...

And I worried that being "slick" would run me into trouble when someone says "Oh yeah? You're so great? What have you written?" and not really having an answer. I guess it's one of those polarized things, where it will turn some away and bring others closer. I'm gonna stick with it for now, we'll have to see how it plays out :-)

2) Better Headline: I agree the headline could be better, I think I shied away from making BIG promises of fame and fortune, because I couldn't back them up. I have some clients that have gotten optioned and had some success, but no one that's written an Oscar Winner and made the cover of The Hollywood Reporter...

But, I agree that a happy medium could be found... something in-between promising the moon and realistic and provable results. I'll work on it.

3) Too Many Options: I totally agree. I couldn't figure out what made me so unhappy about it, but I think it's just too complex and confusing. I wanted to have it set up where someone could customize exactly what they want to add to their package, but couldn't get it to work right on the back end. I'll cut it down to 3 choices tops with clear differences and I think I'll be much happier with it.

4) More Details: I agree with you... Every time I read a Dan Kennedy piece he's always got a bunch of anecdotes and personal stories in there that help make his points... I know I can come up with some if I give it some thought. Thanks for the advice!


Maximus242

1) Too Wordy: I agree with you here... I have a tendency to speak in a very elaborate and comprehensive way... (if you can't tell by the length of this response lol) so I could see how it translates to my writing. I agree there are some parts that could be said with less words... When I used the John Carlton parts it felt really "weird" to write in his voice, and felt like I wasn't saying enough, or that I would've said things much differently...

I think this will be hard for me to fix on my own, because it's written in the way I would speak it, so it sounds "right" to my ear. I'll have to mull this one over a bit.

2) Moving Credibility Around: I agree that it could be shifted around a bit and get some better results... I think I probably shied away from shining too much attention on myself, and that I could get better results from moving things around. Thanks!

3) Design, Formatting, and Readability: This is hard for me to judge... maybe I am overdoing it a bit. When I first wrote the letter it was more "basic" and simple... but it just felt like something was missing. Looking back, perhaps the fancy fonts could be more simplistic and maybe I could remove the blue "ticket" testimonials to avoid the interruptions to reading...

I totally see the simplicity of the sites and letter you mentioned... maybe my design IS getting in the way too much... I think maybe I should tone it down a bit, but I don't think I can go "bare-bones" like those other letters did... they just feel like something is missing. Maybe it's just me... and maybe my design is taking away too much from the words... but when I see sites like that (even John Carlton's own site) it feels like it's too "simple" and "low tech"... sites like that generate distrust with me personally... but maybe the words are far more important than the design... maybe I should scale it back a bit.

I think it would be best for me to find a happy medium... what are the biggest changes you would recommend?

4) Outlining: I assure you I read through the whole course... but I did run into some trouble in formatting the whole thing, and did try to piece it together as I went rather than totally outlining ahead of time (being my first letter, I don't think I would have been able to successfully do that anyways lol) but I see what you're saying.

Where I feel it loses momentum is when I go into explaining what the "5 Critical Areas" are... maybe I should discuss more about how improving these areas of their script can help them? Where do you think it loses momentum? Perhaps I should model it more closely to the John Carlton letter and try to make explanations more brief to help keep momentum?

Overall, thanks for the great notes! I do think you have some valid points here for sure!


Curtis2011

Hey Curtis, thanks for the compliments! I worked really hard on it all! Less than a month ago I didn't know a thing about copywriting!

As far as sales go, we'll have to see... all my prior business has been offline and I never had need for sales pages and such... I wanted to get some feedback before I really went "live" with it so I could make sure to avoid any major errors prior to exposing the site to new clients. I'll keep you posted though!

Tim,

It does ramble a bit, swerves about and wanders off, and back again...

And it looks like a lot of hard work to read - the graphics are very distracting (many look like a "warning" that my computer is about to conk out).

But the piece has got a huge potential.

And the testimonials are great.

It just seems like you've put dozens of copywriting formula's into a huge bucket and flung them onto a website.

And it's exploded. When you really wanted it all to blend perfectly.

Why not try again -

Rather than being a frantic copywriter. Trying to sell scriptwriting courses.

Write it by you the scriptwriter. Using the "script" tactics which work. You know the ones that will. With the big idea of making people brilliant scriptwriters. Then add the copy techniques to enhance it.

This will resonate well with your audience - in the style they love to read.

And it should be a very compelling pitch.


Steve

Hey Steve!

Thanks for the feedback! That's a good analogy, it's kinda like I put everything into a bucket and then flung it at the wall.

I'm gonna do a little work on the site today and try to tone things done a bit and make it more simplistic, once that's accomplished I'll work on the rewriting part of it. Thanks a bunch!

Hey Guys,

I took the advice of getting rid of the "rainbow effect" and removed all the different fonts, web boxes, fancy looking testimonials, etc.

It cut down the length of the letter by about 10 pages and looks a lot more readable!

Now I'll try to tackle the headline and move the bio info stuff around a bit and see if I can make the beginning of the letter more appealing.

Alrighty, I've made a slight change to the header and got rid of the "cartoony" looking mascot, and shifted the Bio stuff into the sidebar, got rid of the initial copy and get straight in the John Carlton portion of the the letter. I've gotten rid of all the fancy stuff too...

Where I could use help now is in identifying any non-selling copy or stuff that doesn't pass the "so what test"... some examples or guidelines would be a good help, and then I think I'll be ready to go!

:-)

Tim,

I haven't had a chance to read the copy - but they layout is 1000% better.

The headline is still a concern- I put my comments in brackets.



How about this -




I took out the "How to" which was difficult because virtually every "How to" headline can do well.

I could be off course on this - I thought it would be more applicable for people who are new to scriptwriting.

And I think your audience is more advanced.

Put it back if I'm wrong.


Steve

Tim,

This may help you with improving the language/word selection/phrasing of your piece.

Five Steps To Pitching Success - Script Magazine

- Rick Duris

I'd like to make a little suggestion.

I think you should make the opening of your sales letter like a screenplay, something like:

Int: AVERAGE HOME OR APARTMENT-EVENING/EARLY MORNING

A screenwriter sits at his/her computer/laptop puts the finishing touches on a screenplay

EXCITED SCREENWRITER:
This is the one! This is the one that's going to get optioned and make me some money, maybe even be a Hollywood blockbuster!

One week later....

Int: MOVIE STUDIO EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE-DAY

BORED SCRIPT READER sits at a desk with overflowing piles of unread scripts laboriously going through the pile. Comes to EXCITED SCREENWRITER'S SCRIPT, Writes PASS with big red letters, throws it in even larger pile of "slush files"

BIG SHOT MOVIE EXECUTIVE:
Find anything interesting today to option?

BORED SCRIPT READER:
No, sorry, just more of the same old crap!

BIG SHOT MOVIE EXEC:
That's too bad. Keep looking, I'm sure we'll find one eventually!

Sadly, the above isn't a script for some movie, it's probably YOUR current screenplay writing career.

Hi, I'm Cal Davis....

I know the above can be more well done, because I'm not a script writer, but I think you get the gist of what I'm shooting for. Within your little "movie script copy" you could "rewrite the script" that the EXCITED SCREEN WRITER takes your course and the BORED SCRIPT READER passes it off to BIG SHOT MOVIE EXECUTIVE towards the end of the sales letter.

One of the things the master copywriters often say is to "write for your audience." Your audience are people who obviously have at least written a screenplay so they'd understand what you were doing in your "screenplay copy"

In fact, use some of those 5 elements you talk about in your "screenplay copy" You know the EXCITED SCREEN WRITER as hero, the BORED SCRIPT READER the villain, etc...

Your strength is in writing and understanding screenplays, use that to your advantage in your sales letter.

This is just an idea but if you execute it well, I really think you'd have a killer sales letter on your hands. Because by having some of the sales letter in the very format your audience is used to writing/working with, and you can even mention something about "In fact, those 5 elements I cover were used in the screen play on this very page." You're not just "telling" about the 5 elements, you're actually "showing" which is always very powerful in any form of copy. You can even go as far as to something like:

Your hero is the nucleus in the “Structure DNA” for your entire story. Your hero is in the central and most integral part of your script… without him, the audience doesn’t have anyone to “identify” with and experience all the plot twists and turns. SOOO many writers fail here that they should open a “hero rehab” for all the horrible main characters out there. Just as EXCITED SCREEN WRITER was on this page.

Hey Jason & Copy Nazi,

Both great ideas! I really like the screenplay idea, because you're 100% right that it would be instantly recognizable... and I've seen it been done before in a famous screenplay formatting book.

The students are sitting in class, while the teacher explains all the different parts of screenplay formatting, and as each part happens when he describes it, it happens in the actual screenplay that's being written... it's a 3 page scene that covers absolutely everything in regards to formatting.

The video seems cool too! I like the split testing idea... right now I'm shifting focus a little bit to trying to get traffic to the site, then I can see how the sales letter pans out.

Tim, I couldn't really look over all the points you mention. A couple of things occur to my mind. If it was my own work and I was revising it, I'd put a full stop after the word Doorstep in the headline. It would continue, Ready, Eager and Busting to...Whether I'd use the word 'buy' there I don't know. It may or may not be important - but that's what I reckon on the headline.

My strapline would read something like: Keep reading and discover the secrets....


Well done on the testimonials. Good luck.

I know very little about this niche, but here’s some common sense:

The positioning - there are maybe 100 movies made per year for Hollywood and about 10.000 - 20.000 scriptwriters. Instead of this appeal, maybe use something along the lines of get your name known, get your script in award winning products, etc (it’s far more credible to say that your script can win Cannes than become a blockboster).
Keep reading and you’ll … you’ve lost me here, too hyped. Plus, I don’t want to become a mega … I want to pay the rent, get my first script written and used and get some network connections.
Good lead but just get to the point. You are moving a bit in circles when the idea is simple - most scripts get dumped. Ok, next point.
To be honest, the rest of the copy is rather good. I have only skimmed through it but it’s a great start. I guess you can add a lot more reasons why in the copy as some points are not explained, but it’s one of the better sales letters seen here.

Good luck!
Razvan

Hey Tim,

I made a video critique for you to enjoy:


- Alex