[Flame Suit Activated] Help Me Clean Up My Unfinished Sales Letter

I've only got a coupe of minutes - so this is a very quick review.

Here's your headline - with my comments in brackets.

(Be good to Flag your target audience)

Don’t waste another penny on ineffective advertising (why is it ineffective?)

Slash your marketing budget (by how much?) and explode your cash-flow…(again by how much?)

“Done-For-You (a good power verb here would help) Marketing System

Turns Your Struggling (many may not appreciate "struggling" - they tend to be very "proud" of their company - use a word that says this which creates real empathy) Business

Into A Profit (what level of profit?) Generating Juggernaut.” (people don't want a "Juggernaut" They want an incredibly successful business that makes big money month after month in every economic climate)

You could use deck copy to get all these points across.


Your copy states the problem. But overdoes it a bit. Your people are well aware of the difficulties.

And some of your colloquialisms are a bit too cliched.

Your solution is vague - what exactly do you do?

Tell them with intriguing bullets. Stacked with benefits.

Then you have to write the rest of the copy.

Building your credibility (who are you? and why should people listen to you?)

Lots of testimonials.

An irresistible offer.

And a close that "compels" people to buy.


Steve

You really drilled him Steve.

"Flame suit activated."

lol.

I, too, took a time machine from the 90s. Welcome to the internet, sir.

Anyway, a quick overview of your sales letter reveals to me the following problems:

Definition of EXPLODE

transitive verb
1
archaic : to drive from the stage by noisy disapproval

2
: to bring into disrepute or discredit <explode a theory>

3
: to cause to explode or burst noisily <explode a bomb>

Hence, I would actually rather pay not to explode my cashflow.

The headline (the one in bold red), sucks by the way. It basically tells the reader "you are a failure, but let's change that." Don't know if that's the message you want to get across.

Your copy reads well, but I'm not sure if your prospects will feel that you're painting them in the right light. It seems that you have a clear image of who your prospect is. But is that intentional? Do you want such a specific audience for your service? If so, I would go the other route, making it seem like you will hand-pick people to work with, perhaps via an application program. After all, if you are a good marketer as your paper states, you should be able to run such a program.

The check marks next to the hyphens are distracting. Choose one.

Overall I think you make too many assumptions. A great marketer is a person who can think like his prospect. Reread your copy with that frame of mind.

1. I get the copywriting formula you're using. Pace-->Lead-->Propose-->Close

It's good. It'll work for what you're trying to accomplish. I use it all the time for stuff like this. Big problem is your pacing is too generic, too lukewarm.

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2. I don't think you've defined your market. Small business owners? Too broad.

Get specific about your market. Drill down. Who do you REALLY want to help? Who would be an ideal Client? Who's ready, willing and able to engage you?

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3. You're not driving your points home.

In the beginning, twist the knife. Make'em feel it.

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4. When I hear the term "Done-for-you marketing system", I cringe.

That may be what you're selling, but it's boring. Generic, lacks specificity. Zero curiousity.

Are you trying to propose a be-all-end-all, Swiss army knife solution? Seems that way.

If so, it won't work. It won't sell.

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5. After the headline, you're a page and a half in before I see mention of the first promise or benefit. Result? You're boring me into buying... again.

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6. You have a consulting business? Whup-dee-doo. Being a consultant just means you're out of work.

What kinds of businesses have consulted you? For what kind of advice? For what kinds of fees? With kinds of results?

Build up your authority, credibility and believability. Because right now, all are severely lacking.

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7. Your guarantee lacks specificity and punch.

"If this system doesn’t strengthen your marketing program, give you a deeper and more thorough understanding of your business, and increase your bottom line after 90 days, I will refund your money, No questions asked, GUARANTEED!"

That's the best you can offer? Seems pretty weak, and again generic.

As a small business owner... what does a strengthened marketing program look like? And by the way, I have a pretty thorough understanding of my business. Don't insult me (and make yourself look like an idiot in the process.)

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Mal's right. The copy does suck. You should hire him. Because he gets it.

This copy can not be improved or tweaked. I think Steve's comments are on the money, but I think Steve seems to think the piece can be redeemed. I agree with Mal. It needs to be rewritten.

Start over.

- Rick Duris

PS: [/flamethrower disengaged]

Thanks for the tips everyone. Back to the drawing board....err...writing desk.

I recommend you review some of the good lead generation letters in Bob Bly's book, Encyclopedia of Business Letters.