Opinions on my copy please!

11 years ago

I like it. Good looking page. One thing. People don't like to admit their shortcomings. It's one thing to be shy but it's something else entirely to cop to "Low Self Confidence." Rather than use that phrase I'd make it more subtle. Stuff like:

Are you reaching your full potential?
Is shyness holding you back.
Are you sick and tired of others with less talent than you getting all the breaks?

Then hit them with: Do something about it now!

Unleash the person you know you really are!

Not one of those questions or statements implies they have any type of shortcoming. They already know it though they might not sign up for something where it's blatantly stated.

Subtle difference but important. The milk carton thingy mentions Confidence. I think that's enough. You've given them the answer without insulting or upsetting them. Good luck

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vicwic

11 years ago

Thanks travelinguy - that makes a lot of sense!

Thanks

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Michael Foze

11 years ago

I'd say it looks good a part from the headline.

You need to emphasize the curiosity+benefit of your product..

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Steve The Copywriter

11 years ago

Hi Vicky,

On this part of the headline -

unleash the person you know you really are!”

But...do they know? (low self esteem people may not).

It might help if you tell them the "potential" they have? Or would like to have.

The subhead does this well. But they might not get that far.

Also they'll be thinking (because every audience does...).

Who are you? and Why should they listen to you?

I like the milk carton but the copy is a bit difficult to read. You've got the space to make it larger.

And could you "super charge" the bullets. They're OK but could be more powerful.

On some do a double benefit - finish with the positive emotional benefit.

On others do a problem solving benefit.

Maybe do a "blind" bullet (e.g. 7 insider secrets to instant confidence (they automatically work and are wired in for life!) - but without knowing them you may never have a high self esteem).

Do all this and the response should rocket up.

Steve

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vicwic 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter

I like the milk carton but the copy is a bit difficult to read. You've got the space to make it larger.

Originally Posted by bhuff85

I would expand the text on the right side and reduce the image size.

Oh dear, I guess I went a bit too big with the image size then!

I know the layout needs work and the bullet points need revamped, but I wanted to get feedback on the writing changes rather than wait until the whole re-edited version was complete, it's mainly content rather than layout I'm focusing on just now. I'm fighting with the CSS at the minute and think i might just go back to good ol' HTML and use tables so it sits exactly how i want it, at least that's one I can get my head around better. (and then start worrying about how it will appear on tablets/mobile)

Thanks for your feedback, at least something on the page got your attention rather than just "meh."

Will be tinkering at this and put a new version up soon!
- Thanks
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SashaLee

11 years ago

Hi there,

Your copy seems to run on past the end of the lines on the left side - a little layout work should fix that.

This sounds a little clunky:

"Currently in pre-launch, we are offering a limited number of FREE memberships."

I think you need a better hook as to why it's free, maybe?

I think this should be your headline:

"
Discover and enjoy for yourself the confidence and self esteem that so many search for day in and day out.

No more self doubt,
No more awkwardness,
Get that promotion,
Express yourself freely,
Connect with that special person,
and so much more."

A few testimonials would be very helpful, and some video would be helpful too. There's nothing on the page that tells me you know what you're talking about - no authority.

Nice looking page though,

All the best,

Sasha.

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manishak

11 years ago

Check this link A 50-Point Checklist For Creating The Ultimate Landing Page. It has all the points that a landing page should have.

Your landing page is good, but I think it is very short. Perhaps you can add a little more content to it.

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1 reply

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gjabiz

11 years ago

Originally Posted by manishak

Check this link A 50-Point Checklist For Creating The Ultimate Landing Page. It has all the points that a landing page should have.

Your landing page is good, but I think it is very short. Perhaps you can add a little more content to it.

manishak,

your sig file took me to a page, Creative Net Solutions. On the right side, a short check point list where we see this:

Writing error free articles with flawless grammar (italics mine)

On the left side, almost directly across from it is:
WHY ARE UNIQUE ARTICLES ONE OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE MARKETING TOOL

Is this a question? or a statement? Just asking.

Now, vicwic, my opinion is you're close, but it is busy on the eyes. Suggest you cut down the many colors, and most importantly, where is your traffic coming from? Who is going to see this and why?

My gut tells me it could be more targeted to be in line with whatever brought the visitor to this site.

gjabiz

[ 1 ] Thanks

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vicwic

11 years ago

Thanks very much for the feedback folks, it's really appreciated.

As for video, I did make one and used it on the previous squeeze page I had but hated and scrapped. I'll bring it back in again.

Personally, when I see those really long hard-sell pages (usually with liberal amounts of yellow highlighter etc) I switch off but I was concerned that what I do have is too little.

I'm now working on the updated version.

I've noticed a lot of membership sites make an e-membership card graphic - do you think one of them would add anything?

Thanks!

Thanks

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vicwic

11 years ago

Thanks again everyone for your feedback. I've put up a revised version at TheConfidenceJourney.com

My CSS isn't great, so i'm still working on the layout for the video that's going to be added to the page (the one in my youtube link at the left of the post).

I'm going to use a couple of testimonials I've got from a couple of people who've given me feedback on the content.

But is it too sales-ey now?

thanks

Thanks

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bhuff85

11 years ago

Maybe this is just me, but the layout needs a lot of work and some more organization.

I would make the opt-in form stand out more. Give it more clarity. To me, it's lost in the mix.

To echo what Steve said, the bullets need to stand out a little more. In fact, I would expand the text on the right side and reduce the image size. Also, the massive image size with the text placed all around it is taking the focus away from the stuff that I should be reading. When I landed on the page, it immediately had my attention, when the headline is what should've caught it instead.

I think once you get the layout cleaned up and squared away, it will be much easier for your prospects to digest your copy.

Hope that helps!

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vicwic

11 years ago

Hi again everyone,

I've started again afresh with the copy, design and layout of the squeeze page, I also thought that offering an edited email version of the course free via email would be a good way of showing the quality of my product, build a list and give customers a chance to see what I'm all about rather than going all out for the pre launch angle.

Maybe I'm over-analyzing but I struggle with the hard sell or salesy pitch and the last go just didn't sit right with me.

Can you take a quick look here and any feedback/critique would be very, very gratefully received!

Thanks

Thanks

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100k

11 years ago

[DELETED]

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vicwic 11 years ago

Hi 100k, thanks for the honest feed back.

Originally Posted by 100k

Is shyness or insecurity is holding you back?

remove the extra "is".

Thanks for noticing - I guess I just got too close to notice this - I've updated the page.

Originally Posted by 100k

Not a good start brah....your better of outsourcing the job.

oh dear, maybe you would have liked the old version better. :p BTW, shouldn't that be "you're better off outsourcing the job"?

Originally Posted by 100k

The thing is - I'm not a copywriter by heart - I'm an entrepreneur that owns a copywriting agency. So my help/advice must be taken with a pinch of salt.

(last quote from here.)

Interesting stuff!

cheers
- [ 1 ] Thanks
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Opinions on my copy please!

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