Please Critique Sales Copy - Copy Edited May 14th

by Rocky Mountain Dude

Posted: 11 years ago 26 replies

COPY WRITING

OK here it is... even the most seasoned sales copywriter could not criticize this last edition... haha! ok...ok... I'm kidding, really!!!

Let me know what you think!

Note: My leads are:

already warm - possibly currently looking for my services, or will be in near future.
extremely busy - human resources individual or project management. Keep copy short!
my company name, clients, and projects worked on are removed.

For Highly Skilled Concrete Tradesmen Turn To Construction Co.

A Proven Leader In The Concrete Industry

Labour Supply.

-Formwork - Placing & Finishing - Flatwork & Bridges - Dry Finishers

To deliver a quality project, on time, and on budget many large general contractors throughout western Canada have relied on My Company's highly skilled and long term workers to successfully complete their construction projects. Using our specialized labour-only subcontracting service you reduce construction costs by eliminating the mark-up on full subcontracting while you remain in control of quality assurance.

Rely on our carpenters and skilled workers who have been with us over 4 years with extensive experience in specialized aspects of concrete construction. Currently available:
· Concrete Form Carpenters, including Journeyman and Red Seal Certificates, each have 5 - 25 years' experience.
· Concrete Placing & Finishing Crew, 12 man crew, each 3 - 10 years' experience.
· Concrete 'Dry' Finishers, each have 2 - 5 years' experience.
· General Labourers, many worked with us over the past year and have up to 4 years concrete construction experience.

My Company, a leader in concrete construction, has helped many general contractors successfully complete major projects throughout Western Canada. We have worked with companies such as (general contractors we worked with), and others. Projects included Big River Bridge in (your city), (Highway) Trial Expansion, (oil company) industrial site.

Consider My Company as part of your strategic human resource supply team.
Call our sales to man-up your work site and let My Company provide you with a highly skilled labour force.

My Name
Sales Manager
Ph. Number
Website

Previous edition below

NOTE: I have considered all of your comments to my sales copy posted below and I made some changes as follows: the blue highlight is the original and the red highlight is the edited change. Everything else is same.

I look forward to your replies. Thanks again to everybody who take their valuable time to help with your critique.

Skilled Labour Leasing; Specializing in Concrete Construction

-Formwork - Placing & Finishing - Flatwork & Bridges - Dry Finishers

Construction Co. specializes in the supply of Skilled Labour for the concrete construction industry. Rely on Construction Co. to supply highly skilled workers for your construction project.

You need workers you can rely on throughout the construction season and from year to year. Many of our carpenters and skilled workers have been with us over 4 years with extensive experience in all aspects of concrete construction. Currently available:

You can rely on Construction Co's expertise in the concrete industry to deliver a quality project, on time, and on budget. Construction Co's highly skilled and long term workers have been relied on by many large general contractors throughout western Canada to successfully complete their construction projects. Using our labour-only subcontracting service you also reduce construction costs by eliminating the mark-up on full subcontracting and you remain in control of quality assurance.

Many of our carpenters and skilled workers have been with us over 4 years with extensive experience in all aspects of concrete construction. Currently available:

(From here down everything is same - unedited)

· Concrete Form Carpenters, including Journeyman and Red Seal Certificates, each have 5 - 25 years' experience.
· Concrete Placing & Finishing Crew, 12 man crew, each 3 - 10 years' experience.
· Concrete 'Dry' Finishers, each have 2 - 5 years' experience.
· General Labourers, many worked with us over the past year and have up to 4 years concrete construction experience.

Construction Co. has supplied highly skilled workers for major projects throughout your region for companies such as ... and others. Projects included (very impressive projects including bridges and gas plant construction).

Consider Construction Co. as part of your strategic human resource supply team.
Call our sales to man-up your work site and let Construction Co. provide you with a highly skilled labour force.

Edited Here:

This letter will be emailed to potential clients after we talk on the phone and client is interested in receiving this letter, or sometimes I get the email from the gatekeeper before talking to client.

This potential client is very busy during construction season and is only interested in important details. They know they need skilled workers, and that supply is scarce.

I should have mentioned my goal was to keep it to one page. Thus the inclusion of past projects and construction companies take up 5 lines, plus a nice pic of a very large bridge we worked on.

One thing I definitely should have mentioned is that our company name and our client names are removed. Construction Co is not actual name.

Thanks to everybody who reply. I appreciate if you return to comment on my reply to your comment as well.

RMD

#copy #critique #sales #sales copy

Nathan251 11 years ago

Perhaps it's a little too heavy on the information side of things and not heavy enough on the "Aren't we a wonderful company!" sales-pitch type angle.

Two caveats though;
The niche in this case doesn't appear to be the sexiest so I'd accept that it's a challenging task to glam things up too much.

The second thing I'd say that if I were dangling on the copyrighting wire between information on one side and glitz and glamour on the other, then if I were in doubt I would sway to the informative side every time. IM copyrighting is so deep now in hyperbole that it's become almost like a pantomime.

Anyway, I digress, all in all I'd say it's adequate but I'm not sure there's a lot more you could do in light of the subject matter, perhaps jazz it up slightly here and there but then again you must know your audience and perhaps they prefer this kind of straight-talking and detailed approach.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature
Get your grubby hands on a revolutionary content-grabbing Wordpress plug-in now?? Oh and it's FREE for a limited time only!!!
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8064276].message }}
- Rocky Mountain Dude 11 years ago
  
  Nathan,
  
  Thanks for the critique. My 'good friend' Flint McLaughlin (he doesn't really know who I am) says that in sales copy specificity trumps persuasion!! lol
  
  So not having much/any experience in copywriting that was my guide!
  
  Again, thanks for your time, I appreciate it.
  
  RMD
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  no sig
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8066204].message }}
urban renewal 11 years ago

Lots of technical stuff in there. Don't forget to really spell it out and leave nothing to the prospects imagination.

Why would the prospect care that people have 5-25 years of experience?

So that the job gets done quickly and correctly without costly and time consuming delays that will throw off a project schedule.

Include more of the "so what?" factor in there and I think you'll be good to go.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 2 replies
Signature

-Clayton

http://www.ClaytonTerao.com

I'm a conversion consultant who helps you make more money online with your business.
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8065888].message }}
- DIG006 11 years ago
  
  Hey Rocky Mountain Dude,
  
  Benefits?!!! That's a very key thing your missing. I don't really see any benefits for your target market. The closest you come to is saying that they need workers they can rely on. Why do we need to rely on them? What will happen to me if I can't rely on them.
  
  I know the answers seem obvious and that your clients will probably be able to answer them with out you explicitly telling them, but ads are all about emotion and you need to build some up for your target audience by building their mental picture for them.
  
  Also I don't know if it's just how you laid it out on WF, but it seems you are highlighting your company name a lot which doesn't really do any convincing that I need to contact you. Why should I? What does Contruction Co. do for me? Again it may seem trivial, but if my eyes are constantly drawn to your name and not benefits or what you can actually do for me then I probably won't even finish reading your ad. Also emphasize your call to action a little bit more. Make it very clear and easy to find what you want me to do.
  
  Hope that helps
  
  - MrJman (dig006)
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8066004].message }}
  
  Rocky Mountain Dude 11 years ago
  
  Dig006,
  
  Thanks for your critique. This is my opinion regarding benefits:
  we specialize in concrete construction rather than construction in general. Thus specialized work force.
  
  long term employees - believe me in our market that is a huge benefit
  
  highly experienced workers- another huge benefit for hard to find skills in a hot market
  
  experience in highly skilled industries such as bridges and gas plants.
  
  I get what your saying about the emotion, but as I mentioned above - my goal was one page. Do you think I should lengthen it even though the recipient is definitely an extremely busy person.
  
  My opinion is that this person cares more about technical details, ie. can I provide the skills and resources they require.
  
  One thing I definitely should have mentioned is that the words in red are removed from my original such as the actual company name and the builders we worked with.
  
  Thanks,
  RMD
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  no sig
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8066258].message }}
  
  Enfusia 11 years ago
  
  Wow! ok, IMHO you need to rethink this big time.
  
  Here's one tip: High Tech Low Check!
  
  You're giving way and I do mean way to much information and no reason for me to desire.
  
  You're not establishing your USP. You're headline makes me want to hit the back button ASAP, no hook, you don't identify with them, there's not trust factor, you don't remove the buyer burden, there's no strong call to action, no benefits espoused etc...
  
  And that was the short list!
  
  Patrick
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  Free eBook =>
  The Secret To Success In Any Business
  Yes, Any Business!
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8066462].message }}
  
  Rocky Mountain Dude 11 years ago
  
  Enfusa,
  
  I think the evaluation from your PM (I'm a copywriter. Have a look at my sales page here: XXXX.com I would be quite surprised if you even get a single order with the copy you wrote. I'm not being harsh just real.)
  is a bit of a joke since we have been quite successful in the past with a much lower quality sales copy.
  
  Talk about not getting even a single order with the copy you wrote!!
  
  I'm just being real! lol
  
  But thanks for your sales offer.
  
  RMD
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  no sig
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8068974].message }}
- Rocky Mountain Dude 11 years ago
  
  Social Degenerate,
  
  Thanks for your critique, I appreciate your time.
  
  I should have mentioned my goal was to keep it to one page. Thus I will heed your advice when I am rewriting another article, or sales copy, for our website or another occasion when I can lengthen the page.
  
  Also, I think that the problem is obvious to the prospect, and thus my solution/offer is also obvious without spelling it out - even though that would make a good sales copy! ... hmmm.
  
  Again one page goal... I hope I'm making the right decision in keeping to one page. My target is typically a very busy 'project manager', thus I want them to read this and not feel overwhelmed with time consumption.
  
  Maybe a good solution could be to include the "so what" in the email I send this copy in?
  
  Again - Thanks
  RMD
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  no sig
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8066246].message }}
Jonwebb 11 years ago

I enjoy the technical details it shows you know what you are talking about. What it does lack however is benefits what sperates your company from others where is the USP?
Its a very specific market so I dont mind the technical jargon

My 2 cents

-Jonathan Webb
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature
"How to value a business or Website for purchase"
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8068998].message }}
- Rocky Mountain Dude 11 years ago
  
  Jonathan Webb,
  
  Thanks for your critique.
  
  Regarding the USP; I guess this is something that I have to write in a sentence, or more, that tells our USP.
  
  This is what I thought I included in my copy that demonstrated the USP:
  specializes in the supply of Skilled Labour for the concrete construction industry ( most labour supply companies do not specialize )
  
  Many of our carpenters and skilled workers have been with us over 4 years with extensive experience in all aspects of concrete construction ( in this industry long term employees are rare and valuable )
  
  supplied highly skilled workers for major projects ( here in my original copy I list some Big companies in construction and some impressive projects we worked on )
  
  Sooo ... maybe I get it now, hmmm? I think that I need to include the details, in brackets above, in my copy! My thought was that my target audience will definitely recognize these attributes as unique and valuable, thus it was sufficient.
  
  What is your opinion, would that be the correct way to communicate my USP or am I still missing something?
  
  Do I have to list my USP in one paragraph, or can it be spread across the copy where it relates to the detail.
  
  Thanks,
  RMD
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  no sig
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8071031].message }}
urban renewal 11 years ago

You need to isolate your USP to one paragraph. In fact, it should really be an undertone that permeates your entire ad.

Ideally, you'll be able to sum it up in a direct sentence that will stick in your prospects' mind, but it should be evident throughout the whole copy.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature

-Clayton

http://www.ClaytonTerao.com

I'm a conversion consultant who helps you make more money online with your business.
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8072042].message }}
- MrJman006 11 years ago
  
  Hey Rocky Mountain Dude,
  
  This is Dig006. I just abandoned my old account and am using this one as my new one in case you were curious. I think that you have a handle on what you define as your USP (Skilled workers) I just saw your post above mine and time is definitely something that I think you should work in especially if you clients are looking for that. I also like the idea of comparing and contrasting your points like you did 2 posts ago. I just read through your changes and I will say it is much better already. I also noticed that you mentioned you want to keep it to the facts because your clients are busy. With that in mind I think a slightly more attractive headline would be appropriate. I'm thinking instead of saying that you specialize in concrete consturction put some type of benefit about skilled workers or the speed you complete your jobs with (not a set number, but the idea of completing a job fast or quickly) would be much more beneficial. You can work in your specialization inside the body or sub-headline I think.
  
  You know it might not be a bad idea to split test a very barebones factual ad with a more salesy version and see what you seem to get better reactions/results from.
  
  - MrJman006
  
  [ 1 ] Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  How To Make Cash In Just 24 Hours Guaranteed
  Passive Income System
  
  Cash-Overload.com
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8074610].message }}
  
  Rocky Mountain Dude 11 years ago
  
  MrJman006,
  
  Hey nice to see you returned to check out my edited copy. I will work on that headline.
  
  Thing is this, I want my prospect to immediately see that I am offering a labour supply service and am specializing in concrete construction. Thus ... in my limited copy experience, I thought I had crafted the most awesome headline. But nobody here seems to agree with me on that!! lol
  
  Thanks, Again!!
  RMD
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  no sig
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8075539].message }}
Rocky Mountain Dude 11 years ago
Urban Renewal,

Hello and thanks for returning to comment. I have done a little research, developed a USP, and edited my copy.

This is what I know:
- Schedule, budget, and quality are high on the priority list for my client.
- My client is using our service because they are having difficulty finding qualified in-house employees.
- Their time is very important; long copy is definitely a sales killer! Short, sweet, and to the point will get their attention!
- In this industry - worker reliability is important, and skill level is vital for quality control.
Looking forward to comments,
RMD
- Thanks
Signature

no sig
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8074598].message }}

Mr. Subtle

11 years ago

Dude... you're "Skilled Labour Leasing; Specializing in Concrete Construction" headline is so boring. Put a little spark of attention-getting energy into it...

[ 1 ] Thanks
2 replies

Signature

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8075633].message }}

Rocky Mountain Dude 11 years ago

Mr. Subtle,

Nice headline man! I just might copy and paste that right to my copy!! lol

Thanks for the inspiration. I can work with that!!
- Thanks
Signature

no sig
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8075723].message }}

Raydal

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle

Dude... you're "Skilled Labour Leasing; Specializing in Concrete Construction" headline is so boring. Put a little spark of attention-getting energy into it...

I may be wrong but I don't think sheet rock is made from concrete.

-Ray Edwards

Thanks
1 reply

Signature

The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8075725].message }}

Mr. Subtle 11 years ago

Originally Posted by Raydal

I may be wrong but I don't think sheet rock is made from concrete.

Where do you see sheet rock in Dude's copy?
- Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8075738].message }}
- Raydal 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle
  
  Where do you see sheet rock in Dude's copy?
  
  That's why I quoted your headline and not his copy.
  
  -Ray Edwards
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8075766].message }}
  
  Mr. Subtle 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Raydal
  
  That's why I quoted your headline and not his copy.
  
  I get it now. LOL
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8075773].message }}
  
  Raydal 11 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle
  
  I get it now. LOL
  
  Aghh! Subtle you're getting old.
  
  -Ray Edwards
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8075852].message }}
  
  MrJman006 11 years ago
  
  Hey Rocky Mountain Dude,
  
  You could probably play around with it a little more, but I think that's pretty solid to run with for now. Copywriting and ads are all about the numbers. If they convert then there is no need to change just because someone says you need to. Give it a test run and let us know how it performs and like I said it may need revision, but only the numbers will be able to tell you that at this point. Good luck man! I'll keep my eye out for an update
  
  - MrJman006
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
  Signature
  
  How To Make Cash In Just 24 Hours Guaranteed
  Passive Income System
  
  Cash-Overload.com
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8078097].message }}
  
  Rocky Mountain Dude 11 years ago
  
  Jayman,
  
  and others who have given positive feedback to my copy...
  
  I have created a few versions that I will begin to test, and a few industry contacts I can ask opinions.
  
  I will give feedback when I get enough data.
  
  Till then,
  RMD
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  no sig
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8079027].message }}

bsummers 11 years ago

Honestly, your copy is pretty much on the bells and whistles of your company. In my opinion, you should also include the benefits (aside from cost) that your clients will enjoy. Considering that this is a construction business, we really do not have to glam it up since I don't see anything to glam about, but adding a little more meat on the benefits could be a great help.
- [ 1 ] Thanks
- 1 reply
Signature
Need help in LEADS for your business? Ask me on how to generate qualified and targeted leads from appointment setting and lead generation campaigns through calling, social media and email marketing.
{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8083538].message }}
- Rocky Mountain Dude 11 years ago
  
  bsummers,
  
  Thanks for the advice. I now have a few versions to test, and will consider making more changes to test after I get back some results.
  
  Take care
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  no sig
  
  {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8086116].message }}

Jonwebb

11 years ago

at this point the only thing I would consider changing is the headline the headline is a little boring. other then that I think its well done and good enough to begin testing.

ely on our carpenters and skilled workers who have been with us over 4 years with extensive experience in specialized aspects of concrete construction. Currently available:
· Concrete Form Carpenters, including Journeyman and Red Seal Certificates, each have 5 - 25 years’ experience.
· Concrete Placing & Finishing Crew, 12 man crew, each 3 – 10 years’ experience.
· Concrete ‘Dry’ Finishers, each have 2 – 5 years’ experience.
· General Labourers, many worked with us over the past year and have up to 4 years concrete construction experience.

in that section be sure to add space. between the the paragraph and the bullet points

good work and good luck

- Johnathan Webb

[ 1 ] Thanks

Signature

"How to value a business or Website for purchase"

{{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8089977].message }}

Please Critique Sales Copy - Copy Edited May 14th

Trending Topics

What's the Best IM-Related Skill to Learn Today That Can Help in the Future?

Would You Go?

Any good link monetization services?

Are billboards still effective in driving customers?

My WordPress website was hacked and this is what happened