Looking For Critique's For My Salescopy

Whenever I see a request for a critique I look at the site from the perspective of a consumer - not a marketer (I know the target audience IS marketers, but that notwithstanding...). For that reason, a lot of what I am about to say will probably be 'fundamentally' incorrect.

I like the varying colors. I found it pleasing to the eye.

The whole thing comes off a generic and superficial sales pitch.

It's way too long. It just came across as a whole bunch of bullshit. It seemed to lack substance for me. It feels as though you are forcing so much information at me to convince me that I need to subscribe to this. I have always been a fan of 'less is more'. Maybe that doesn't apply here.

It really doesn't demonstrate what's actually for sale until halfway through the sales pitch. I normally would have never made it that far.

Maybe someone can elaborate on this, but I see this over and over again and it makes me instantly want to quit reading:

From the desk of: (Some guy I've never heard of).

"Dear Friend" - We're not friends. We don't even know each other. And why does this attempt to come off as an email in my inbox?

What's with the P.S.S. things at the bottom of every pitch I read? The way it comes off to me is that you've just made this whole long-ass pitch and then ... 'oh in case you missed it....' If they made it to the bottom of the ad, then they shouldn't have missed anything, right? And the fact that they're PSSes - doesn't that sort of imply an assumption that they're already bought the product? Since it is located after the purchase link?

A lot of the text wording is pretty sketchy. Proofread it better and I am sure you'll the errors.

Those are my gut reactions. Take them for what they're worth.

Good Luck.

Mike

Hi Craig,

First up, your headline and subhead
are pretty bloated. Try and boil them
down to the point where they're as
short as they can be.

You'll also want to make sure you're
conveying your benefits as clearly as
possible, and really drag the reader
down into the body copy.

With the headline/subhead as they
are, you're probably losing people
right off the bat.

Along those lines, your first
sentence is also too much.

Read it aloud and you'll see
what I mean. The "if...then"
sentence can work well, but
it needs to be a lot shorter.

If you make your sentences
shorter in general, you'll get
more readers headed where
you want them to go - the
bottom of the page.

I'd reconsider the formatting
of your "9 reasons" bullets
too. They look a little scattered
as it is, and not in a good way.

Try to make each one the same
number of lines so there's a
similar feel, and also they could
do with some emphasis - add
bold etc.

I'd definitely reconsider your value
building too. The customer probably
doesn't care how much your
development costs are, so proving
value that way is going to be tough.

Lastly, get rid of the FAQs, and
put one of your best testimonials
there instead.

Hope that helps buddy.

-David Raybould

No problem.

Good luck.

Hi Craig,
Just a few pointers (thinking as a marketer not a customer)
1. At the PPS's instead of making it sound like you are only taking
x amount of members, I would go more for the "There is only
x amount of positions left!"
2. At the PPS's again, I would change the money back guarantee
for the first PS in case the reader just get to there before closing
out your site and decides that he rather want he's money back
than getting into that small list of yours.
3. I would definitely work on the Headers/Subheaders...remember
these are very, very helpful as you reader just scans you sales
page and finds a point of interest. First with your main header.
Make it far more eye catching and then work towards subheaders
trying to keep in mind that all of those have to relate to the text
that comes afterwards.

Well, I just took a few mins to just outline some of the thing I would
make a change of...you dont have to agree with me though

No problem, just remember this basic principle

~Your reader will never read word by word at
your sales page; therefore, you should always
make very eye catching headers/subheaders
(that then the following text relates to it)
and be broad about them since what it might be
important for some might not be for others.

Hey David, the opening sentence on the first letter is fine. It's much more powerful than the second version. The if/then opening is a classic opening sentence, it works and it's not all that long. Good feedback otherwise

Hi Craig,

You can easily get rid of the
bloat in your headline by focusing
more on the benefits.

What is the end result of joining
up? Is it just that they get PLR
vids and things?

Or is it that they can then use
those videos and things to make
money from?

Think about what the ideal end
result is going to be, and make
the headline about that.

It's going to be pretty tough to
get people excited about owning
PLR on its own, so you have to
dig a little deeper.

Hope that helps.

-David Raybould

Dear Craig,

You've obviously worked your butt off on this. You've probably lost sleep and gone over it again and again. Been there.

But before you write another word, consider this. Stop. Walk away from the cookie jar. Breathe. Take off your marketer's hat and put on your shopper's hat.

Done that? Splendid. Now, print out your masterpiece and read it out loud.

OK, so you'll sound dumb and your beloved and your neighbors will think you're going gaga, but trust me.

Your sales letter's main role is to get your prospect to click on your big fat, BUY NOW button. To get your prospect to that point (let's give this dude a name. Let's call him Bubba), Bubba's got to like you. He's also got to believe you, and he's got to trust you.

To persuade Bubba to give you his money, your message must identify and address Bubba's problem. To do this your message must sound natural and conversational; it must flow and it must hit certain marks as it flows.

As your potential buyer, why the heck should Bubba give you his money? What's in the relationship for him?

What problems is Bubba trying to solve? PAIN POINTS
What else has Bubba used? COMPETITION
What are Bubba's alternatives? GIVING UP/ REMAINING STUCK?
What's so great about you? MAKE BUBBA LIKE YOU
What's different and great about your product? BENEFITS FOR BUBBA
What else do you offer? BUBBA'S LOOKING FOR HUGE VALUE
What proof do you offer? BUBBA NEEDS TESTIMONIALS
What guarantee does Bubba get? HOW DOES BUBBA GET HIS MONEY BACK IF YOR PRODUCT SUCKS?

You are not selling "things", you're offering Bubba a valuable solution to his problem.

As you read your message, every time you come across an element that doesn't ring true or that isn't pulling its weight, use a highlighter to mark the offending clause.

Any point that fails to lead Bubba logically, magically, naturally toward the answer to his prayers (buying your value laden, benefit rich product), isn't helping you convince Bubba to buy from you. If an element isn't pulling its weight, delete it. Be brutal.

You've got to get inside Bubba's head. To do this ask yourself what questions he's asking, what keeps him up at night, what conversations is he having inside his head?
Your answers to those questions (and the ways you incorporate them into your narrative) will play an important role in the success or failure of your sales letter.

You might also want to consider asking someone else to read a printed version of your letter (not an onscreen version). Make that person someone you know and trust, someone with a warm body, a heartbeat, and an opinion and not just some rambling weirdo in an online forum. Hope this helps.

You can still trim some fat away from that headline, Craig.

This isn't perfect by any stretch but it's merely for illustration -- Notice how much more direct your primary benefit is... making money right away.

"Discover The Almost "Magic" Money Making Secret
That Can Double Or Even Triple Your Income
In The Next Two Weeks..."

My main issue is your target market. Are you sure that frustrated newbies is the market you're after?

The brokest, cheapest, "don't know what they don't know" market?

You're gonna have to chop a lot of wood that way.

I would advise you to consider recalibrating your offer for a more successful marketer. Not necessarily folks making a ton of money already, just marketers with experience who understand what PLR is all about and the value it represents.

Somebody who is already earning SOMETHING online can easily justify $47 a month for a new revenue stream each month. Marketers making bupkis may also "buy the dream" initially, but retention's going to suffer when they inevitably do nothing with the products they receive and bail out.

Anyway, you're a LOT closer than many of the critique requests that come through here and you're obviously working hard at this, trying to implement the advice you've been given (and you've had some great advice so far!).

Best,

Brian

Craig,

You're welcome and I'm glad my suggestions were useful.

Brian is, of course bang on with his comments, and I'd like
to add another suggestion or two, if I may.

Your opening might serve you better as an ending, one with
your product name inserted into it, so consider removing:

Going nowhere? Unhappy with your current earnings and the kind of
life it allows? Then CHANGE IT! Change it now! And do it TODAY!

from the beginning of your letter.

Brian's also quite right on the issue of your headline.

What you've got at the moment is OK. But its muddy structure
obscures the problem your product is meant to solve.

Remember, BUBBA's got to wade through all those words and
get something out of them, something he really wants.

What follows isn't quite right either, but do you see how the
main benefit is there, right up front?

"Finally, The Ultimate Video Tutorial, Money Making Secret
That Will Put You Where You Belong ... In The Company of the Web's Exclusive "Top Earners".

Then, consider following it up with a view into the future. Perhaps something
like this:

Just 14 Days From Now, You Could Cranking Out Grade "A",
Killer Video Promotions Right There On Your PC. Risk Free AND Worthy of
Hollywood's Best!

The "14 Days" element adds more weight than your "2 Weeks" idea.
True, the amount of time is the same, but the perception is of more.

This approach generates desire, aspiration, and implants visions of red carpet
style presentations and award shows in BUBBA'S imagination. Again, it's not
perfect, but it sets a specific stage for BUBBA to wander around on.

Your salutation could also use a leg up because to be honest, BUBBA does
not want to be a "Dear fellow marketer," because BUBBA sees himself as
having way more punch.

Instead, BUBBA might want to see himself as:

Dear Successful Video User,

At the moment, I don't have time to go through
your letter line by line, but think more about
writing to just one person. That person has dreams.
Your product will make those dreams come true.

Your writing is pretty good. Keep at it and your
final letter will be awesome.

And again, many thanks for the feedback on my
previous suggestions.

Craig,

I'm both flattered and pleased that my humble suggestions
are, in some way, shape, or form, helping your cause.

I've been involved in the joys, trials, woes, and highlights
of copywriting, graphic design, and marketing for nigh on
25 years and I'm still learning.

I also know from painful and personal drama and toil how ...
when reviewing one's own work ... how utterly debilitating it can
be to know in one's heart that one's copy is somehow not quite right,
that it is somehow failing to touch just the right emotion and feebly
deficient in its ability to elicit just the right feeling.

I also know how frustrating it is (and can be) to not know why things
are not 'right', but worse still, to not know how to put into words the
words that are lacking to express how to put into words the thing that
needs to be put into words!

Goodness me!

What I'm getting at here (and I pray that other writers reading this
might chip in and rescue me or at the very least, back up what I'm saying)
is that regardless of how frustrating the process might be for any of us ...
slaves as we are to the written word ... it is only through endurance and
endeavor that we overcome.

Stay your course and remember Mr. Hill's tale of Three Feet From the Gold.

Hi warriors,

I'm still looking for feedback on my site.

Your No.1 Source For Internet Marketing Private Label Video Tutorials

So if you can help in anyway or would just like to comment then please let me know.

I personally think my copy still needs some work but I seem to be at a road block and I'm struggling to finish off the copy.

Let's here your thoughts.

Craig

Ever heard of a swipe file?

Find the last sales letter that made you buy and find the hot buttons reword it to fit your benefits. If that's good enough for Dan Kennedy it's good enough for me.

So many pointers are good here but you also have to go with your gut and test then tweak once it goes live or to a in house market. I find a lot of good quality copy in the form of WSO "straight to the point, benefit and offer" that are hard to refuse.

Hi Craig,

One thing I saw as I read through the letter was the lack of clear benefits in some of the bullet points, especially the ones under the "Six Killer Reasons" headline.

You DO have them in there...but they really should be the primary focus of the bullet point--meaning each bullet should start with the big benefit (in bold). Then you can go into more detail on exactly how your product will fulfill the prospect's needs.

I've also noticed a few places where there are some "hiccups" in the copy. For instance, you have a paragraph that reads:


"You act like a provider (creator, owner..whatever) to your customers. We work behind the curtains and create a professional plr video series of 10+ plr videos every month for you (and your customers). Simply upload them to your servers and collect all the profit like a clockwork."

Why the parentheses? There's no clear reason to use them, and they cause the reader to disengage (even if only for a second) from your sales pitch. That's what I mean by "hiccup". Little things like this can makea big difference in the effectiveness of your copy.

Also, you might want to take another look at the use of subheads. It feels like a bit too much, at least to me. Some of them are right on top of each other, and occasionally repetitive. Finally, take a closer look at your sentence structure. Shorter is better in most cases. For a good example, go dig up some of Dan Kennedy's or John Carlton's copy. There's no wasted verbiage--just clean, simply structured sentences that pull the reader in and get them moving towards a purchase. Each and every word has a reason for being there.

All that said, the overall copy looks good and the product sounds great. I think if you take the recommendations everyone has made you'll see a big increase in conversions.

As a final thought, I'm wondering in $47 isn't too cheap for this product. It sounds too good to be true--for $47/month I'd expect some pretty poor content, to be honest. I've been burned a few times with PLR memberships--and I suspect the same is true of your target customers. Maybe you need to be "reassuringly expensive". Not $497/month expensive, but maybe $97/month.

If that feels too risky, maybe you could pare down the original offering a bit and create an upsell. However, if you product is as valuable as you claim--especially since you're essentially selling money at a discount-- you should be charging a price that reflects that value.

Hope this helps!

Paul

"This is not a scam!"

This kills your ad.

You've essentially told your prospects:
"This could be a scam..."

Many prospects will think: "This is a scam!"

Why raise doubts in the first place?

Yours

Steve

One more thing that strikes me as being of great significance here . . .

You're selling a product based on video and yet you don't have a video in your sales copy.

You have a link to some samples that is not really obvious.

Have you thought about embedding video??

That is what I was thinking...if they can't touch it an feel it - they at least need to see it...