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Can I get some copy feedback?

by TonyNorton
16 replies
Hey everybody,

I just finished setting up a new sales page and my brain is mush. Mind taking a look at the sales page and OTO page and letting me know what you think? Please keep in mind that I'm not a professional copywriter, this is just something I whipped up real quick.

I'm open to all CONSTRUCTIVE suggestions, but please don't just tell me 'It sucks" or "Come up with a better headline" without at least giving a suggestion on how it could improve and why you think so.

Here's the link, but beware because it's live and will process a order if you submit one. But that's not the reason I'm posting here, of course. I really could just use some fresh sets of eyes.

www.GhostwriterSecrets.net:

Thanks,
Tony.
#copy #feedback
  • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
    Tone...

    ...finding a ghostwriter without getting burned is not what people wish for.

    Try a benefit loaded headline with the endgame in mind, getting something really good written cost effectively and then selling the heck out of it.

    I didn't read further, because the headline told me not to.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    It sucks. Come up with a better headline.

    But seriously... you don't get to tell us how to respond. If you want to know how to write salescopy you'll just have to swallow your pride and suck it up.

    Talking of suck - this salespage of yours sucks. I struggled through to your subhead Are you one of "THOSE" people? which sounded like an insult. But hey - you want a review so I persisted... until you hit me again with Who should NOT get access to this information and leave now? Leave now? OK... I can take a hint.

    And this is why content writers should stick to what they know best - writing drivel.

    Horrible, horrible page. That "constructive" enough for you?

    BTW Myers was a ghost-writer? Who knew?
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  • Profile picture of the author Eddie Spangler
    Good grief looks like you took all the cliche parts of a bunch of sales letters and created an amalgamation of ass wipe.

    The "who is this for"and "who should leave is laughable."
    I gotta be all this to buy your book?
    I just wanted to hire a ghost writer and not get burned.:confused:


    "Please keep in mind that I'm not a professional copywriter, this is just something I whipped up real quick."
    Its like you knew it sucked and was already making excuses for it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Alex Frei
    I guess, this is one of your early attempts. it will get better and easier with every sales letter you write.

    I'm not a copywriter - I'm a writer and I know how you think!
    We have so many words in our head. So much to say. But that's the main problem.
    Try and see if you can condense the page to 10% volume.

    I think, just by murdering the 90% of "copy fat" you can improve your sales page. then you can work on the structure.

    + what the others said about the headline.

    As for the "I whipped up real quick." line... That's your enemy #2(after the volume). I learned that you can't, just can't do that with your copy. You have to try your absolute best to write the best copy you possibly can.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Do people want to learn how to hire a ghostwriter?

      Then pay for the knowledge?

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Do people want to learn how to hire a ghostwriter?

        Then pay for the knowledge?

        Best,
        Ewen
        That was going to be my question. I really doubt there's much of a market for this.
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      • Profile picture of the author urban renewal
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Do people want to learn how to hire a ghostwriter?

        Then pay for the knowledge?

        Best,
        Ewen
        Exactly, just like how people don't want "social media services."

        Instead of learning how to hire a ghostwriter, I imagine that people would be more interested in getting more opt-ins, sales, or pageviews. Depends on who you're trying to target.

        If you can position your product in that way, I suspect that it will do better.
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        -Clayton

        http://www.ClaytonTerao.com

        I'm a conversion consultant who helps you make more money online with your business.

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        • Profile picture of the author TonyNorton
          Hey, everybody. Thanks for taking the time to reply to my request for feedback, I appreciate it. I wanted to reply individually to each of you, so here goes..

          Originally Posted by OutOfThisWord View Post

          Tone...

          ...finding a ghostwriter without getting burned is not what people wish for.

          Try a benefit loaded headline with the endgame in mind, getting something really good written cost effectively and then selling the heck out of it.

          I didn't read further, because the headline told me not to.

          Thanks for that! Sometimes I have trouble stepping back looking at the bigger picture. With that in mind, you're right. The headline doesn't really express any benefit the target market.


          Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

          It sucks. Come up with a better headline.

          But seriously... you don't get to tell us how to respond. If you want to know how to write salescopy you'll just have to swallow your pride and suck it up.
          I just meant that I'd appreciate comments that would help me out. I know that asking for a copy review is like swimming with sharks while wearing a tuna-meat suit. It's just asking to be torn to pieces. I was just trying to cut down on the number of drive by "YOU SUCK" replies that didn't help me in any way.

          Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

          Talking of suck - this salespage of yours sucks. I struggled through to your subhead Are you one of “THOSE” people? which sounded like an insult. But hey - you want a review so I persisted... until you hit me again with Who should NOT get access to this information and leave now? Leave now? OK... I can take a hint.


          Yeah, I was going for a takeaway (I don't really need your business) kind of thing. Plus I really don't want to have "those kind of people" for customers. I really don't need their business and the aggrivation they bring isn't worth any amount of money they pay me.

          I guess I missed the mark on that one though. And as I go back and reread the page I see what you mean, definitely needs to be redone.

          Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

          And this is why content writers should stick to what they know best - writing drivel.


          Not quite sure if you meant that as an insult towards me personally or just wanted to express that you think little of content writers in general. Not really sure how to reply there.

          Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

          Horrible, horrible page. That "constructive" enough for you?


          Yeah, some of what you said was fairly constructive. Although you could have given me some suggestions on ways to improve the parts of the letter you didn't like, if being "constructive" was your goal.

          Originally Posted by The Copy Nazi View Post

          BTW Myers was a ghost-writer? Who knew?



          Not me. At least I didn't know until he told me so in his review of my product.


          Originally Posted by Eddie Spangler View Post

          Good grief looks like you took all the cliche parts of a bunch of sales letters and created an amalgamation of ass wipe.

          The "who is this for"and "who should leave is laughable."
          I gotta be all this to buy your book?
          I just wanted to hire a ghost writer and not get burned.:confused:

          Its like you knew it sucked and was already making excuses for it.
          Hey Eddie, thanks for the input. I did know that I'm not a professional copywriter and it had a good chance of sucking. That's why I was asking for help here.

          Originally Posted by Alex Frei View Post

          I guess, this is one of your early attempts. it will get better and easier with every sales letter you write.

          I'm not a copywriter - I'm a writer and I know how you think!
          We have so many words in our head. So much to say. But that's the main problem.
          Try and see if you can condense the page to 10% volume.

          I think, just by murdering the 90% of "copy fat" you can improve your sales page. then you can work on the structure.

          + what the others said about the headline.

          As for the "I whipped up real quick." line... That's your enemy #2(after the volume). I learned that you can't, just can't do that with your copy. You have to try your absolute best to write the best copy you possibly can.
          Alex, thank you for the encouragement. I'll see where I can "trim the fat".

          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          Do people want to learn how to hire a ghostwriter?

          Then pay for the knowledge?

          Best,
          Ewen
          Yeah, I'm obviously taking the wrong approach here. I should be stressing how people can make more money and simplify/de-stress their lives by hiring others to write their content for them.

          Thanks Ewen

          Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

          That was going to be my question. I really doubt there's much of a market for this.
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          You're not a professional copywriter.

          You whipped something up real quick.

          You write when your brain is mush.

          Let us know how that works out for you.

          - Rick Duris
          Thanks and I see your points. But just to be fair I didn't actually write while my brain was mush. It became mush through the act of writing.

          Originally Posted by urban renewal View Post

          Exactly, just like how people don't want "social media services."

          Instead of learning how to hire a ghostwriter, I imagine that people would be more interested in getting more opt-ins, sales, or pageviews. Depends on who you're trying to target.

          If you can position your product in that way, I suspect that it will do better.
          Thank you Clayton. Again, I need to change the angle. Thanks for the suggestions.

          Seriously guys I appreciate everybody that helped!

          Tony.
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          • Profile picture of the author Enfusia
            Your headline makes me question you right from jump street.

            This is a haphazard gaggle of incongruous swipes that weren't even blended.

            I'm real sorry to have to say this but IMHO it's the way it is.

            Before you ask for critiques you first have to actually write the letter. You haven't done that yet.

            I do have a question. You said you're not a copywriter, so why are you writing copy (so to speak)? Copywriting is a wickedly complex craft that there are very few masters of. So, if you were not s sniper would you snipe a mark knowing that if pinched your dead?

            May seem silly, however there's a method to my quackery. Both fields require skill and a certain type of person to rise as cream to the top. Yes, sure you can go to school but that has no bearing on whether or not you'll be any good let alone great.

            You're attempting to be something you're not. Then don't actually even do the something you're not qualified to do. Then hope that others who have paid their dues will fix your pile of non work for you.

            Not being harsh just the way I see it.

            Patrick
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            Yes, Any Business!
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            • Profile picture of the author Joshua Lowenthal
              I hope your still around for some criticism OP, I would like to give my opinion.

              First I just want to give you a good outline that I follow when "whipping up" some copy, but first let me just say that "whipping up" copy isn't the way to go, take your time and focus on the core concepts of a sales copy, get your ideas down, and then trim the fat so you can at least give your prospects a quick and to the point read.

              Let's take a look at the core concepts.

              1. Get attention: This is your headline. You should always start by grabbing the reader and making them want to keep reading. The trick is to focus on LOSS not GAIN. For example: Stop wasting all your money on bad copywriters...Followed by the quick gain subline: Learn the secrets to finding the best ghostwriters for your business.

              2. Identify the problem: This is where you grind into what the problems are that your prospects are facing. You want to relate to every single aspect of the problem they are facing. You could lead into it by telling of your experiences dealing with bad ghostwriters and all the various things they did that "burned" you. Make sure you connect with your reader here. This is where they will decide to trust you or move on.

              3. Provide the solution: Pretty self explanatory. This is where you bring light to the general solution. Don't just jump into the product so much as talk about what hiring a ghostwrite should be like. You can get your point across in the form of questions like: Do you wish you could just find the best ghostwriter now? You can also simply talk to them like: I have found the best way to finding the best ghostwriter for any business!

              4. Present your credentials: Again, self explanatory. You want to show your reader that you aren't just some fly by night schemester trying sucker them of a few of their hard earned dollars. Be transparent and provide a quick run down of who you are and why you are an expert.

              5. Show the benefits: This is where you make nice clear concise points as to why your system is the best. Talk about all the added benefits of simply going with your product and how it is going to affect the customer.

              6. Give social proof: Testimonials, testimonials, testimonials. The more recent and real feeling, the better. You shouldn't fake testimonials so don't think that's what I mean about "realness." I mean a Warrior Forum testimonial is going to feel more real than a random testimonial you put into a little box with a picture of some person.

              7. Make your offer: Now you roll out what you have. Show as much cool stuff you can about your system. Give some basic "secrets" away if you want to build credibility, videos, visual product pictures that actually give your product a physical feel. Just make sure you have your product set in stone and show it to them.

              8. Inject scarcity: For a limited time!!! Only available for the next 24 hours. etc etc etc. This gives the incentive to go ahead and buy so they don't miss out while procrastinating.

              9. Give a guarantee: Make sure you let them know that you stand behind your product and if they don't like it to let you know.

              10. Call to action: Present your call to action by reminding them once more what you are offering them in terms of benefit and tell them to buy, with a nice little buy button underneath. You can also put calls to action elsewhere on your copy but it can be a hit or miss. So I would keep it simple at first.

              11. Give a warning: Reiterate the problem they are facing and make sure they realize that it won't get any better unless they go with your product.

              12. Close with a reminder: Once again remind them of all the benefits of going with your system. Then give them one last call to action.

              If you follow this outline than you shouldn't have any issue with getting together good copy. Just remember to let your ideas loose AT FIRST, then trim it down to a nice quick easy decision for your prospect.

              If I have reiterated anything already said on this thread I apologize as I didn't read EVERY post.

              I hope this helps out!
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              • Profile picture of the author TonyNorton
                Hey everybody,

                Originally Posted by Enfusia View Post

                Your headline makes me question you right from jump street.

                This is a haphazard gaggle of incongruous swipes that weren't even blended.

                I'm real sorry to have to say this but IMHO it's the way it is.

                Before you ask for critiques you first have to actually write the letter. You haven't done that yet.

                I do have a question. You said you're not a copywriter, so why are you writing copy (so to speak)? Copywriting is a wickedly complex craft that there are very few masters of. So, if you were not s sniper would you snipe a mark knowing that if pinched your dead?

                May seem silly, however there's a method to my quackery. Both fields require skill and a certain type of person to rise as cream to the top. Yes, sure you can go to school but that has no bearing on whether or not you'll be any good let alone great.

                You're attempting to be something you're not. Then don't actually even do the something you're not qualified to do. Then hope that others who have paid their dues will fix your pile of non work for you.

                Not being harsh just the way I see it.

                Patrick
                Patrick, thank you for taking the time to reply. Now to reply to some of your points. But first let me say don't sweat telling me like it is. I asked for feedback and I have a thick skin, I can take critical feedback without getting personally offended.

                Now, I know the headline is horrible. Several people pointed out that I never addressed the real core desire of the market. The funny thing is that I actually did sit down with a blank page and write that letter.

                There were no swipes and no copy/paste. I suppose its possible that my subconscious mind mish-mashed a bunch of copy I've been studying and spit it back out on the paper, but it wasn't done purposefully. That's probably why it didn't come across as being well blended.

                Also I said I'm not a PROFESSIONAL copywriter (a fact that I think is obvious by now lol), but I am trying to learn, hence the request for a review from professionals.

                I'm not actually trying to be something I'm not, I'm trying to practice and develop a skill that I don't currently have. I know I'm not very good at it, but I wasn't asking anyone to "fix my pile of non work". I just wanted some feedback on the letter so that I could develop/improve my copy.

                I'm not trying to be ungrateful or anything but you seemed a bit put off by a non professional asking for feedback, like I'm trying to get you to do the work for free or something. I just wanted to assure you that wasn't actually the case.

                Also any ideas for improvement anybody gives are given of their own free will and desire to help someone else, I'm not forcing anyone to reply, let alone help.

                But like I said I don't want to come across as ungrateful, I do appreciate everyone who took the time to reply with helpful criticism.

                Originally Posted by Joshua Lowenthal View Post

                I hope your still around for some criticism OP, I would like to give my opinion.

                First I just want to give you a good outline that I follow when "whipping up" some copy, but first let me just say that "whipping up" copy isn't the way to go, take your time and focus on the core concepts of a sales copy, get your ideas down, and then trim the fat so you can at least give your prospects a quick and to the point read.

                -EDITED FOR THE SAKE OF BREVITY-

                If you follow this outline than you shouldn't have any issue with getting together good copy. Just remember to let your ideas loose AT FIRST, then trim it down to a nice quick easy decision for your prospect.

                If I have reiterated anything already said on this thread I apologize as I didn't read EVERY post.

                I hope this helps out!
                Joshua, thanks so much for the very helpful outline!

                Originally Posted by Art of Marketing View Post

                Hey Tony,

                This was so small I almost did not see it....

                "That's right, I've done gone crazy and I'm going to give you access to the full package on a 7 day trial basis for only $1 today!"

                Maybe you can bold that or place more emphasis on that.

                Also even a single image on the page may break up all the content on the page.

                The testimonials are great addition.

                Good luck with your project.

                -Art
                Thanks Art, I can see how that could be easy to miss. I heard Dan Kennedy say "It's all about the offer" so I was going for as risk free as possible while still qualifying the customers by making them pay SOMETHING to get it. But I suppose that nobody can be convinced to take the risk free offer if they can't see it! lol

                Seriously guys, I DO appreciate your continued feedback and desire to help a fledgling copy dabbler.

                Tony.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    You're not a professional copywriter.

    You whipped something up real quick.

    You write when your brain is mush.

    Let us know how that works out for you.

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Igor Fridrihs
    Hi, Tony

    Check any of your writings, including sales page with Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (FK) score. It is test for readability. At least you can get an idea whether your sales page will be read up to the end or not. It's free in Word and Outlook.
    Enjoy your writings.
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    50-100 Clicks HQ Solo Ads

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  • Profile picture of the author TommyRyan
    Do you really expect us to put in more effort than you have?

    Please keep in mind that I'm not a professional copywriter, this is just something I whipped up real quick.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    The multitude of buy links at the very end reeks of desperation.

    --- Ross
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