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Just finished my video script - Could I get some feedback?

by Snowmen88
7 replies
Hey guys,

I just finished writing my video script i'm going to use in the golf niche. I work for an IM company, but I never do copywriting there and mostly do data analysing and email marketing.

I'm going to create a video tomorrow, (I have all the tools to do so including proper equipment and knowledge of video creation) and wanted to get some input on the script I created.

Please, constructive comments only. This is literally the first copywriting i've ever done.

Here it is!

---------------

Hi, this is Craig Matthew,

and in the next few minutes, I'm going to teach you a rather unusual way to become a better golfer. Its a very simple tip, that is quickly going to help you make those important putts, drive the ball straight, and shave a few strokes off your score.

Now, before I continue, let me tell you a little about what I'm not. I'm not a PGA tour professional, a club pro, a certified teacher, or a wanna be big shot out there to show off. Here's what I AM. I'm you. I'm the golfer looking to improve his game and hit more fairways. I'm the golfer who enjoys being outside, and socializing with friends and co-workers. I'm the golfer who is competitive, and loves sinking those birdie putts. I'm the golfer who's always looking to improve.

Sometimes improving isn't easy. Believe me, I've had just as much difficulty improving my game as the next person.

I started really playing golf a few years back. I took lessons when I was very young, and played a few times a year, but never had the time and resources to make it a regular hobby. Once I got my first set of clubs, I really wanted to learn and become a better golfer. I bought all the newest equipment that promised to shave 10 strokes off my score. I spent hundreds of hours scouring the internet for information on how to improve. I read articles, watched videos, signed up for newsletters, and worst of all paid ridiculous amounts of money to get help from the "pros".

What I learned was actually shocking. I absorbed all this information, and after trying everyone elses methods of success I was actually getting WORSE.

After months of frustrating games and bending my clubs, I said to myself,

"There has to be a better way."

And there was.

Think about it. Look at golfers like Bubba Watson, Lee Westwood, John Daly, and Jim Furyk. If nobody knew who they were, and they went to a certified instructor for lessons, they would get laughed at! These golfers have some of the most unique swings I've ever seen, and they are all PGA Professionals!

I was fed up.

How could golfers that play a completely unorthodox game still be so talented?

Well I'm happy to announce I finally figured it out!

I taught myself a method of filtering out all the noise, taking in information others provide, and applying it to my OWN game. Before I knew it, I was breaking that 90 mark, and after that, I was breaking 80!

What I'm about to offer you may not be available for long, so listen up while you still can!

After years of research, I compiled all the useful information I could into a handy resource to distribute to my fellow ball smashers.

For a limited time, I'd like to offer you my eBook, "Golfing YOUR Way - The Complete Guide To Becoming A Better Golfer", for FREE.

Thats right. No gimmicks, no frills, no fancy terms and conditions. Just a free guide to help you chip away at your high scores. (pun intended.) Just fill out your first name and email address on the form to the right and on the following page you will be able to download this amazing guide instantly!

But wait, there's more!

If you're interested in sharing this helpful guide with your friends, just click on the share buttons for your favorite social networks! You will instantly get a point for each time you share, and you can redeem those points for more amazing absolutely 100% free products!

You can also use your referral URL thats located here to post on your blog, or your favorite forums, and if anyone uses that URL to sign up, you get even more points, leading to more free rewards!

Remember, that is entirely optional. If you just sign up, download the guide, and then to leave, I get it. And it won't hurt my feelings.

Sign up now to get your free instant download!

See you on the links!

-----

Thanks in advance fellow warriors!
#feedback #finished #golf #script #video
  • Profile picture of the author Cool Hand Luke
    Well, you have one glaring problem right off the bat. You say "Hi, this is Craig Matthew, and in the next few minutes, I’m going to teach you a rather unusual way to become a better golfer. Its a very simple tip, that is quickly going to help you make those important putts, drive the ball straight, and shave a few strokes off your score"....but then you don't actually fulfill that promise and you don't teach them anything in the video.

    This kind of "I'm going to teach you a [unique trick, simple method, fill-in-the-blank]" style of video only works if you actually DO explain it in the video. You don't have to give your big method away, but you have to at least hint at what it is, THEN direct them to your giveaway report if they want the rest.

    As it is, the initial promise needs some rewording.
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    • Profile picture of the author Snowmen88
      Originally Posted by Cool Hand Luke View Post

      Well, you have one glaring problem right off the bat. You say "Hi, this is Craig Matthew, and in the next few minutes, I'm going to teach you a rather unusual way to become a better golfer. Its a very simple tip, that is quickly going to help you make those important putts, drive the ball straight, and shave a few strokes off your score"....but then you don't actually fulfill that promise and you don't teach them anything in the video.

      This kind of "I'm going to teach you a [unique trick, simple method, fill-in-the-blank]" style of video only works if you actually DO explain it in the video. You don't have to give your big method away, but you have to at least hint at what it is, THEN direct them to your giveaway report if they want the rest.

      As it is, the initial promise needs some rewording.
      Good advise. I thought about that off the bat, maybe I should just reword it to make it seem less like i'm going to have a big reveal in the video and replace it with some engaging content. Other than that, did the rest of the copy keep you engaged?
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  • Profile picture of the author gjabiz
    I agree, very misleading opening paragraph. I kept waiting for the tip which never came.

    As a golfer, I got bored very quickly reading about you...cut that down to about two paragraphs. In fact, you could create some golf cred in one sentence.

    Hi I'm Craig Matthew and I currently carry a 6 handicap but last year I was a 13. By the end of this season, I plan on being a 2. What has caused this rapid improvement and can you too become a better golfer quickly?

    The answer is yes you can and my secret is available to you for free. Read on.

    Truth that most golf marketers know is, improvement is a much harder sell than more distance off the tee.

    You want this video to do too much, you don't have much for the golfer, in fact, your whole deal is about points...my copy opinion is it needs to have you taken out of it and reduced down to a couple of sentences...my golfer's opinion is...there is no reason to get involved and this came after reading the 62 page Ultimate Guide to Golf...

    I came away thinking, if his Golf Your Way work is anything like this...I've wasted too much of my time already.

    It is, in my opinion, all about points, not about golf and what you offer to today's golfer...isn't worth the effort.

    Go ahead and shoot the video if you haven't already and when you watch it, you'll see within seconds that there is way too much YOU and not enough them and what they will get out of your deal.

    This intended to help.

    gjabiz



    Originally Posted by Snowmen88 View Post

    Hey guys,

    I just finished writing my video script i'm going to use in the golf niche. I work for an IM company, but I never do copywriting there and mostly do data analysing and email marketing.

    I'm going to create a video tomorrow, (I have all the tools to do so including proper equipment and knowledge of video creation) and wanted to get some input on the script I created.

    Please, constructive comments only. This is literally the first copywriting i've ever done.

    Here it is!

    ---------------

    Hi, this is Craig Matthew,

    and in the next few minutes, I’m going to teach you a rather unusual way to become a better golfer. Its a very simple tip, that is quickly going to help you make those important putts, drive the ball straight, and shave a few strokes off your score.

    Now, before I continue, let me tell you a little about what I’m not. I’m not a PGA tour professional, a club pro, a certified teacher, or a wanna be big shot out there to show off. Here's what I AM. I’m you. I’m the golfer looking to improve his game and hit more fairways. I’m the golfer who enjoys being outside, and socializing with friends and co-workers. I’m the golfer who is competitive, and loves sinking those birdie putts. I’m the golfer who’s always looking to improve.

    Sometimes improving isn’t easy. Believe me, I’ve had just as much difficulty improving my game as the next person.

    I started really playing golf a few years back. I took lessons when I was very young, and played a few times a year, but never had the time and resources to make it a regular hobby. Once I got my first set of clubs, I really wanted to learn and become a better golfer. I bought all the newest equipment that promised to shave 10 strokes off my score. I spent hundreds of hours scouring the internet for information on how to improve. I read articles, watched videos, signed up for newsletters, and worst of all paid ridiculous amounts of money to get help from the “pros”.

    What I learned was actually shocking. I absorbed all this information, and after trying everyone elses methods of success I was actually getting WORSE.

    After months of frustrating games and bending my clubs, I said to myself,

    “There has to be a better way.”

    And there was.

    Think about it. Look at golfers like Bubba Watson, Lee Westwood, John Daly, and Jim Furyk. If nobody knew who they were, and they went to a certified instructor for lessons, they would get laughed at! These golfers have some of the most unique swings I’ve ever seen, and they are all PGA Professionals!

    I was fed up.

    How could golfers that play a completely unorthodox game still be so talented?

    Well I’m happy to announce I finally figured it out!

    I taught myself a method of filtering out all the noise, taking in information others provide, and applying it to my OWN game. Before I knew it, I was breaking that 90 mark, and after that, I was breaking 80!

    What I’m about to offer you may not be available for long, so listen up while you still can!

    After years of research, I compiled all the useful information I could into a handy resource to distribute to my fellow ball smashers.

    For a limited time, I’d like to offer you my eBook, “Golfing YOUR Way - The Complete Guide To Becoming A Better Golfer”, for FREE.

    Thats right. No gimmicks, no frills, no fancy terms and conditions. Just a free guide to help you chip away at your high scores. (pun intended.) Just fill out your first name and email address on the form to the right and on the following page you will be able to download this amazing guide instantly!

    But wait, there’s more!

    If you’re interested in sharing this helpful guide with your friends, just click on the share buttons for your favorite social networks! You will instantly get a point for each time you share, and you can redeem those points for more amazing absolutely 100% free products!

    You can also use your referral URL thats located here to post on your blog, or your favorite forums, and if anyone uses that URL to sign up, you get even more points, leading to more free rewards!

    Remember, that is entirely optional. If you just sign up, download the guide, and then to leave, I get it. And it won’t hurt my feelings.

    Sign up now to get your free instant download!

    See you on the links!

    -----

    Thanks in advance fellow warriors!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8109644].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Snowmen88
      Originally Posted by gjabiz View Post

      I agree, very misleading opening paragraph. I kept waiting for the tip which never came.

      As a golfer, I got bored very quickly reading about you...cut that down to about two paragraphs. In fact, you could create some golf cred in one sentence.

      Hi I'm Craig Matthew and I currently carry a 6 handicap but last year I was a 13. By the end of this season, I plan on being a 2. What has caused this rapid improvement and can you too become a better golfer quickly?

      The answer is yes you can and my secret is available to you for free. Read on.

      Truth that most golf marketers know is, improvement is a much harder sell than more distance off the tee.

      You want this video to do too much, you don't have much for the golfer, in fact, your whole deal is about points...my copy opinion is it needs to have you taken out of it and reduced down to a couple of sentences...my golfer's opinion is...there is no reason to get involved and this came after reading the 62 page Ultimate Guide to Golf...

      I came away thinking, if his Golf Your Way work is anything like this...I've wasted too much of my time already.

      It is, in my opinion, all about points, not about golf and what you offer to today's golfer...isn't worth the effort.

      Go ahead and shoot the video if you haven't already and when you watch it, you'll see within seconds that there is way too much YOU and not enough them and what they will get out of your deal.

      This intended to help.

      gjabiz

      Awesome stuff!! Your absolutely right and this is exactly the input i was looking for. I'll rework my script a little bit later tonight and take all your points into consideration!

      thanks again!
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[8110100].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Stephen Bray
    People say 'tell your story', but the secret is
    to connect with, and become part of your
    prospect's story.

    Your video must join a conversation they're already
    having, at least with themselves in their heads.

    The fact that you're not a pro-golfer, or a coach,
    isn't a selling point. The about you part really needs
    minimizing, and perhaps made into an aside with a
    prelude such as 'By the way, I'm not a PGA tour
    professional, a club pro, a certified teacher, but
    just someone who struggled for x years to [insert
    a tangible benefit here]." Why? - because your
    prospect is interested in improving their game, no
    one cares about you. Even John Carlton's one legged
    golfer headline wasn't about a one legged golfer, but
    about if a one legged golfer could perform as well then
    you can too!

    All the stuff about sharing on social media and getting
    points, is really confusing. What is the single action
    you want your prospect to carry out. Tell them to do that!

    You can ask them to share on Social Media at the end
    of your book, and if it's helped them then maybe some
    will

    Tell people why you're offering the book for FREE, and
    why it can't last. Remember this too needs to be about
    them, and not you!

    . . . for example although you've taken
    care to proof the book, you're still taking feedback.
    Naturally, when your book is updated they'll also get the
    final edition at no cost to them.

    There is a difference between a video script and a sales
    letter, although some share common elements. Your
    script errs too much toward being a sales letter. You
    may do better to send your prospects from your video
    to a sales letter, like this example:
    Photography and Psychoanalysis - YouTube

    Good luck with it,

    Stephen
    Signature
    Send me a DM, or visit my support desk to contact me: http://support.stephenbray.com
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    • Profile picture of the author wordwizard
      This thread has been really interesting... and it brought to mind a somewhat parallel scenario...

      I know quite a few people who spend the first 10 to 15 minutes of their webinars/teleseminars just talking about themselves. The idea is that this would establish their credibility.

      I find that very offputting and after just reading this thread, I find a lot of commonalities with the video script. I.e., too much you, not enough about the audience. Sure, make it clear who you are and why people should take you seriously, but don't dwell on it for minutes at a time.

      What do you think? Could this be a parallel case, or is the teleseminar or webinar genre different in a way that I'm missing?

      Thanks!
      Signature

      FREE Report: 5 Ways To Grow Your Affiliate Income
      Let Me Help You Sell: Sales Letters, Email Series, Pre-Sell Reports... PM me & we'll talk!
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark 99
    Agree with Stephen you need to enter the conversation already going on in the prospects mind. A good open can use the If.... Then..... Why formula.

    I don't know a heck of a lot about golf but something like this

    If you're tired/frustrated of.... if you're passionate about......

    then the unusual technique I will reveal to you... (result)

    Why? because ........

    hope this helps
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