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Would You Guys Help Me Improve My Headline?

by ioan draniciar
25 replies
I launched a WSO recently and I'm struggling coming up with a good headline. I would appreciate any tips on how to improve it. My current headline is the following:

Discover My Simple Formula On How To Create And Leverage Valuable Content To Drive Sick Server Crashing Traffic To Your Sites Today


#guys #headline #improve
  • Profile picture of the author shawnlebrun
    So, let me ask....

    What is your single biggest problem your target market has?

    What is your single best solution you can come up with, to help them solve that problem.

    Can you weave any proof into it?

    some of my best headlines addressed the single biggest problem, offered a unique solution, and when I could... I tried to add in proof.

    That might help you look at it differently.

    Problem headlines work well... but problem headlines combined with a curiosity-triggering solution works well too. You want the reader thinking "wow, how do you do that" and not just "huh, that's nice"
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  • Profile picture of the author ioan draniciar
    The single biggest problem my target audience has is traffic.

    The best solution I provide to solve the traffic problem is to create and leverage valuable content to drive traffic. The valuable content will also build authority and pre-sell my target audience.

    I show proof inside the course. I can't reveal it in the sales letter without divulging the secret because if I do it the sale would be superfluous.

    I thought the problem is addressed in the headline. I don't know how to add proof in the headline. Maybe by claiming how much traffic my methods brought would make the headline more attractive. Something like this:

    Discover How I Create Extremely Valuable Content And How I Leverage It To Drive Thousands Of Targeted Visitors To My Web Pages!

    I think this headline is much better than the previous one don't you think? Thank you for your advice. I'm 'gona' change the headline right now. If you have any other suggestions I'm all ears
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  • Profile picture of the author urban renewal
    How about specific numbers like:

    "Discover How I Drove 4,587 Targeted Visitors To My Web Page in 48 hours by Leveraging Valuable Content (That Only Took 2 Hours to Create)"

    (or whatever numbers are accurate...)

    Also, I can tell you that the initial reaction a lot of people will have to "valuable content" is probably some form of "That's going to take too much time/money to create." So I would recommend addressing that too
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    • Profile picture of the author ioan draniciar
      Originally Posted by urban renewal View Post

      How about specific numbers like:

      "Discover How I Drove 4,587 Targeted Visitors To My Web Page in 48 hours by Leveraging Valuable Content (That Only Took 2 Hours to Create)"

      (or whatever numbers are accurate...)

      Also, I can tell you that the initial reaction a lot of people will have to "valuable content" is probably some form of "That's going to take too much time/money to create." So I would recommend addressing that too
      Your headline is much better; the problem is my numbers won't be as attractive because I didn't achieve such results in such a short time frame. I'll rephrase my headline according to your formula but without adding specific numbers. Something like this:

      "Discover How I Drove Thousands Of Targeted Visitors To My Web Pages by Leveraging Valuable Content That Only Took Less Than 2 Hours to Create!"

      Thank you for your awesome advice!
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  • Profile picture of the author laurencewins
    I personally don't believe in headlines that have numbers in them...but that is just me. Also I think the headline is way too long. I am sure it can be shortened a bit and still achieve maximum impact.
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    • Profile picture of the author ioan draniciar
      Originally Posted by laurencewins View Post

      I personally don't believe in headlines that have numbers in them...but that is just me. Also I think the headline is way too long. I am sure it can be shortened a bit and still achieve maximum impact.
      I agree that the headline is too long but this is the winner so far:

      "Discover How I Drove Thousands Of Targeted Visitors To My Web Pages by Leveraging Valuable Content That Only Took Less Than 2 Hours to Create!"
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Why is everyone so enamored with the word Discover? Want to improve the headline in your op? Try this:

    How To Create Valuable Content To Drive Sick,
    Server-Crashing Traffic To Your Sites Today!


    The comma after sick and the hyphen between server and crashing makes it flow better. The exclamation mark also makes a statement. This certainly isn't a great headline. But I put it up to illustrate that sometimes simplicity is better.
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    • Profile picture of the author ioan draniciar
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      Why is everyone so enamored with the word Discover? Want to improve the headline in your op? Try this:

      How To Create Valuable Content To Drive Sick,
      Server-Crashing Traffic To Your Sites Today!


      The comma after sick and the hyphen between server and crashing makes it flow better. The exclamation mark also makes a statement. This certainly isn't a great headline. But I put it up to illustrate that sometimes simplicity is better.
      I personally like the word 'Discover' because it makes it feel like something fun to do, you're being a kid again who's ready to unwrap a gift and DISCOVER something awesome, something you really hoped for.
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      • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
        Originally Posted by ioan draniciar View Post

        I personally like the word 'Discover' because it makes it feel like something fun to do, you're being a kid again who's ready to unwrap a gift and DISCOVER something awesome, something you really hoped for.
        There is definitely a time to use it.

        The problem is that people have heard conversions are better with it. So they go out of their way to put it into the equation. So far out of the way, in fact, that the silly headline becomes awkward and actually loses impact. Using discover in certain types of headlines has become one of the unwritten rules of MMO copywriting.

        No offense, but the reason your headline is/was so bloated is due in part to a phrase where the word discover doesn't fit well.

        It's actually okay to "find out" or "learn" or even "stumble upon" certain information. Good luck.
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        • Profile picture of the author ioan draniciar
          Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

          There is definitely a time to use it.

          The problem is that people have heard conversions are better with it. So they go out of their way to put it into the equation. So far out of the way, in fact, that the silly headline becomes awkward and actually loses impact. Using discover in certain types of headlines has become one of the unwritten rules of MMO copywriting.

          No offense, but the reason your headline is/was so bloated is due in part to a phrase where the word discover doesn't fit well.

          It's actually okay to "find out" or "learn" or even "stumble upon" certain information. Good luck.
          The words 'discover' and even 'learn' sound a bit pretentious and pompous to me as well because it looks like I am commanding or imposing my point of view. I think I'll use the word 'find out' to start my sentence because it seems friendly and non-threatening.

          Thank you for your input!

          If anybody else have other ideas I'll be more than happy to hear them.
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          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            You are heading down the wrong track by using time and speed to create content.

            There's a Wordpress plugin being promoted now that does it automatically.

            You can't go into a market not knowing what competitors are doing.

            Have to come up with a new angle/hook that nobody owns.

            This happens from deep research, not mixing and matching other peoples headlines.

            Oh you are only adding to the mistrust people have of marketers when you say stuff like "server crushing traffic".

            Best,
            Ewen
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            • Profile picture of the author ioan draniciar
              I can say the same thing about you: you're heading down in the wrong direction if you think a plugin will create content that really matters; if you plan on putting the same rehashed garbage on your blog then go ahead and play with your little content plugins.

              I agree with you on the fact that the phrase 'sick server crashing traffic' adds mistrust and I'll remove it from the sales letter. Thank you for that.

              Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

              You are heading down the wrong track by using time and speed to create content.

              There's a Wordpress plugin being promoted now that does it automatically.

              You can't go into a market not knowing what competitors are doing.

              Have to come up with a new angle/hook that nobody owns.

              This happens from deep research, not mixing and matching other peoples headlines.

              Oh you are only adding to the mistrust people have of marketers when you say stuff like "server crushing traffic".

              Best,
              Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Warriors
    It's not terrible, but it's not great either.

    The thing with headlines is, if you don't know how to write a really solid one, it's often best to just cut the cliche bullshit and get right down to the point.

    Somebody who has never written a headline in their life can come up with a better headline than somebody who read a few sales letters and is now trying to emulate the pros, because when you do that, you just end up loading your sales letters up with cliches that make prospective buyers roll their eyes.

    The whole "proven formula" thing is way overplayed. Scrap that.

    I like "server crashing traffic," that might be worth keeping in, but not until the headline as a whole is much better overall.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dennis Gaskill
    For what it's worth . . . the word "sick" in your headline is a turn-off to me. I understand how the meaning has been/is being perverted in modern usage, but I still associate it with being physically sick. I wouldn't want my products associated with "sick" in my prospects minds. It's a negative association to many of us.

    If your target audience is only youngsters, maybe you get away with it. If it's people of all ages, it's not a useful buzz word to me, it's a buzz kill.
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  • Profile picture of the author Igor Fridrihs
    Hey,

    1. Make it curious. It works.

    2. Highlight your main words by different color, bold, italic, etc. and give highlighted words a chance to compose finished thought. It influences subconscious mind. Look at the beginning of this paragraph: "Highlight main words" is in your mind. The word "your" is lost somewhere. But I have called you to action and you even did not notice it!
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    • Profile picture of the author ioan draniciar
      Originally Posted by Servicy View Post

      Hey,

      1. Make it curious. It works.

      2. Highlight your main words by different color, bold, italic, etc. and give highlighted words a chance to compose finished thought. It influences subconscious mind. Look at the beginning of this paragraph: "Highlight main words" is in your mind. The word "your" is lost somewhere. But I have called you to action and you even did not notice it!
      Thank you for the suggestions. With a little help from someone I came up with a new headline and I hope you like it. Here it is:

      "Discover How I HiJack and Drive Thousands of Targeted Visitors to My Web Pages by Using a Little-Known Way to Create Content!"
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  • Profile picture of the author jedsonack2
    Thats a pretty long title i suppose, and it is not giving clear vision of what you exactly offer. So better to change Title in a manner that it must give perfect idea for the viewer about your offers.
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  • Profile picture of the author ioan draniciar
    Thank you for your advice! As a matter of fact I actually did check out other WSO's sales copies and 'took' from them what I thought works best and fits my story.
    I like your phrase Warriors YOU need Traffic I have the Solution! It needs a bit of work. I am actually tempted to use it in my sig file.

    Originally Posted by Art of Marketing View Post

    Hi Ioan,

    If you are writing to warriors then write to warriors. Also go to the WSO thread as a shopper and see what catches your eye and how many words they used to do it.

    Exactly what types of words..action words? Questions? Adjectives?

    You can even say Warriors in the title.

    Warriors YOU need Traffic I have the Solution! Or just take out Warriors...still works!

    Do you see the title you made for this thread...right to the point and takes up just the right amount of space..follow that.

    Good luck with your WSO!

    -Art
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  • Profile picture of the author elmo033057
    Being an Education Technologist, I work on the Internet an awful lot and see a ton of stuff. The phrase "Drive Sick Server Crashing Traffic" is very confusing to me. I know what it means after I read it a few times, but I don't think the average person will understand that, unless they are well versed in networks. However, if your target market is computer network personnel, wherein a phrase like that will be understood, then it might work well.

    Hope that helps!
    ELMO
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    Mark "Elmo" Ellis
    "When It Comes To High Response Copy - I've Got Your Back!"
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  • Profile picture of the author schttrj
    Originally Posted by ioan draniciar View Post

    I launched a WSO recently and I'm struggling coming up with a good headline. I would appreciate any tips on how to improve it. My current headline is the following:

    Discover My Simple Formula On How To Create And Leverage Valuable Content To Drive Sick Server Crashing Traffic To Your Sites Today
    No disrespect to other copywriters here, but this can be made a lot better.

    Don't use 'Discover'.

    But think about it.

    Your simple formula to drive 'sick server crashing' traffic to sites is already claimed by many other service providers. And as a prospect, how many formulas would I possibly buy to get traffic to my site?

    What you rather need in a headline is:
    • A picture
    • A benefit
    • A problem
    • A personality
    ...all weaved together as a piece of sculpture, beautiful yet intricate.

    Try something like:

    Here's How I Took My Blog Traffic From Zero To...Server-Crashing Three Million Visitors Per Day, In Just ONE Week!


    A Mind-Boggling Discovery Led To The Birth Of A Super-Sick Blog Traffic Formula, Driving Zero To Three Million Visitors, In Just A Week!


    A Crazy Blog Traffic Formula, Never Published Before, Leaked From My Own Lab Room!
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