Sales letter intro critique please

10 replies
Hi All, just working on a sales letter for a financial services (insurance, retirement, etc sales) newsletter service (ie. I write their monthly newsletter for them) - the premise is that financial advisers are struggling to compete with TV advertising direct insurance companies and therefore the customer relationships they have are their most important asset. But they don't do it, or they do it badly.

This is the intro - top half of the page. There are several pages that follow, not included here.

Your brutal comments are warmly invited. My tissues are at the ready, and I have a strong drink in hand.

++++++++++++++++++

Att: FINANCIAL ADVISERS & FINANCIAL SERVICE FIRMS:

<large headline text>
YOUR LIVELIHOOD IS UNDER ATTACK!
</large headline text>

Direct Insurers with obscene advertising budgets are scamming consumers into thinking there's no need for you, the "middle man." This is misleading and untrue. Your clients need your expertise now more than ever.

<large headline text>
Now Discover the Forgotten Tool that with One Simple Fix Becomes Your COUNTERATTACK - Forging Unbreakable Client Relationships and an Unstoppable and Growing Stream of Cash & Referrals.
</large headline text>

(In one easy done-for-you step. At low, low cost. Whether you're a firm or a one-man show.)

WARNING! to Direct Insurers: Your "cheap prices" are nothing. You can't win this.

WARNING! to Financial Advisors: You know this tool! You may already be using it. But the truth is: You're making a complete hash of it. Do it right (which is what you'll learn here), and it produces a constant flow of sales, referrals and customer loyalty. It could be the ONLY 'unfair advantage' you have left.

Here's what you'll learn about this 'forgotten tool' in this bulletin:

* What it is and how to use it right to go on the marketing counterattack.
* A case history: how it rocketed a 'nobody' to 'guru' status & more clients than he can handle.
* If you're already using this tool ... 3 mistakes you're making (and losing clients as a result)
* 8 Ways to use it to accelerate sales, new business & inflowing cash
* The secrets of how to make your clients 'stick like glue' to you ... despite "cheaper" offers
* How to establish yourself as the 'expert' - making your clients trust only you
* How this tool is one of 'secret psychological persuasion' (how you sell more with NO effort).
* And NEW! A 'done-for-you' service that does it all for you (details below.)

++++++++++++++++++
#critique #intro #letter #sales
  • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
    Your headlines and subheads are telling them something they already know.

    Your big selling idea may be hidden in one of your bullets, so do a little digging there.

    And since you work for this market, are you fully satisfied you've gotten inside of their head?

    In my experience in working with financial advisors, they seem to feel they can decide how their market is going to behave, instead of targeting their needs.

    Good luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Your'e writing a newsletter the insurers will send out to their customers?

      Best,
      Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author gerardleroux
        Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

        Your'e writing a newsletter the insurers will send out to their customers?

        Best,
        Ewen
        Hi Ewen, thanks for reading. That's right - a newsletter (I'll write it and customize it to a limited degree to their 'brand' requirements) that they (insurance brokers / sales offices / financial advisers ) will send out to their clients.

        Gerard
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          Gerard, if we were on a paid consulting call I'd be asking you what
          is the one big problem the brokers are fully aware of, what are the alternatives they know about and how intense is this one problem is.

          Then I'd ask you what you can give to verify this information.

          Really dig deep into the research first.

          Then when we get a high probability of demand we'd look at
          2 possible big idea messages to test to see which hits the sweet spot from the responses.

          Then we can intensify the winning message
          to get even more responses and roll it out to bigger lists.

          See how this is a logical progression?

          Not some quick hit and hope.

          A critique of this present message doesn't get to
          research part that most dismiss or don't do enough.

          Yet that's where you find the breakthroughs.

          You wanted the cold hard reality my friend.

          So there it is.

          Best,
          Ewen
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          • Profile picture of the author gerardleroux
            Thanks Ewen, you are of course 100% correct. This letter has however been a writing/practice project that is assuming we're hitting a 'hot' need (determined based on the process you rightly suggest.)

            But thank you for the reminder! It's so easy to dive into and immerse oneself in writing because it's easy to sit here and think stuff up VS. doing the legwork of research and getting to the core of what's in the target's head.

            For now though the focus is the writing. Assuming there's a market - are the words punchy, do they flow, are the bullets as strong as they can be, is some intrigue created, etc.?
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            • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
              Originally Posted by gerardleroux View Post

              Thanks Ewen, you are of course 100% correct. This letter has however been a writing/practice project that is assuming we're hitting a 'hot' need (determined based on the process you rightly suggest.)

              But thank you for the reminder! It's so easy to dive into and immerse oneself in writing because it's easy to sit here and think stuff up VS. doing the legwork of research and getting to the core of what's in the target's head.

              For now though the focus is the writing. Assuming there's a market - are the words punchy, do they flow, are the bullets as strong as they can be, is some intrigue created, etc.?

              Gerard, it seems to me you are wasting your time and ultimately a good response rate while you are working on the mechanics of writing.

              This time could be spent on doing more in depth research on your market.

              That's where the breakthroughs come from.

              When they read what you say and identify with what you say...
              as if you've read their mind, then you've got yourself an interested reader.

              The mechanics don't create that idea the reader says yes to.

              The mechanics can only help enhance the core idea.

              If the core idea is off mark, even 10%,
              then you are only putting lipstick on a pig.

              A pig is a pig, no matter how you dress it up.

              Can I see you dropping the writing for now and get into the research part first?

              Best,
              Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author d3communications
    I have to agree with the comments regarding getting into the mind of your reader.

    Be sure your headline and subheadline really grab your audience.

    "Your livelihood is under attack"
    . Written in passive voice
    . Is this really what they're thinking?
    . Does it make them stop and ask themselves a question/give them a reason for reading?

    How about something like:
    "Attention Financial Planner" (address them in the singular)
    "You lost $xx,xxx.xx in business this year alone. How much can you keep losing?"

    Anyway...work on the head and subhead...should be something like 1/3 of your total effort, although some of the more famous copywriters say that this is where they spend most of their time. When I write copy, I come up with A LOT of headlines. Pick the hottest one for the actual headline, and the rest for headings and breaks in the body of the copy.
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  • Profile picture of the author DanSharp
    Originally Posted by gerardleroux View Post


    Att: FINANCIAL ADVISERS & FINANCIAL SERVICE FIRMS:

    <large headline text>
    YOUR LIVELIHOOD IS UNDER ATTACK!
    </large headline text>

    Direct Insurers with obscene advertising budgets are scamming consumers into thinking there’s no need for you, the “middle man.” This is misleading and untrue. Your clients need your expertise now more than ever.

    <large headline text>
    Now Discover the Forgotten Tool that with One Simple Fix Becomes Your COUNTERATTACK - Forging Unbreakable Client Relationships and an Unstoppable and Growing Stream of Cash & Referrals.
    </large headline text>
    As others have said, your opening is very weak. If they know their "livelyhood is under attack" already, you wasted their time by re-telling it. If they aren't sure or don't agree, they're shaking their heads and now moving your letter towards the round file.

    Be specific... You might be able to combine the second heading with the main headline -- your livelyhood is under attack and here's what to do.

    Also, I think you're overdoing the superlatives a little for a B2B letter... unless you're planning to prove later on how the tool is "Forgotten", the relationships "unbreakable," the income stream "unstoppable and growing," etc.

    Key to a good sales letter is jamming in meaty information -- persuasive, remarkable, "high whoa factor" information -- that the prospect can sink his or her teeth into. Adjectives aren't filling.
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    • Profile picture of the author Memetics
      Originally Posted by DanSharp View Post

      As others have said, your opening is very weak. If they know their "livelyhood is under attack" already, you wasted their time by re-telling it. If they aren't sure or don't agree, they're shaking their heads and now moving your letter towards the round file.
      Bizarrely people like to be told what they already know, it's a cognitive bias we all share.

      http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct...JMnXUQ0AxNhRgg

      So in this sense it will probably get the door open but you still need to be invited in. You can do this in a number of ways but in this case I would create a little uncertainty in the reader by using the headline:

      AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW BY NOW, YOUR LIVELYHOOD IS UNDER ATTACK

      In this way you get the best of both worlds. If they do know, then you're getting confirmation bias generated momentum. If they don't know, then you're creating uncertainty and thus creating a loss aversion frame.

      I like the term "livelyhood" as it personalises the statement. "Livelyhood" [instead of say "Business"] hints at the prospects own personal obligations and lifestyle such as: Mortgage, payments on the nice car on the drive, loans, living the lifestyle they're accustomed too etc, and make the loss aversion interest more acute.

      The word "probably" in the headline softens the statement acting as a qualifier so that the headline doesn't look too sensationalist, and the word "now" gives some time urgency to finding a solution.

      You're the solution.

      If you think of the situation as friend giving you some bad news regarding yourself and you say "oh dear, I'm going to have to deal with that". Then consider how you would receive the news with the preface; "As you probably know..." how are you going to react differently? Most likely with the reply "No I bloody well didn't know! How long has this been going on? Who knows? What's everyone else doing? I need to know exactly what the situation is now! Now the frame has become time critical and the bearer of the information has become the quickest route to answers.

      That's you again. You simply make your solutions the answers.
      Signature

      First we believe.....then we consider.

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      • Profile picture of the author mrdomains
        Good comments have already been given.. but I can't get over this part:

        "Now Discover the Forgotten Tool that with One Simple Fix Becomes Your COUNTERATTACK"

        Seriously, I can barely articulate that without getting a knot in my head.
        Signature

        Free action plan : Think less. Do more.

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