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Constructive Feedback Please - sales page

by mmarc
9 replies
Hi Guys

Can you pls give me some constructive criticism on this page?

we have had nearly 30 visitors but it still does not convert

http://klseminar.eventbrite.com

CAN you pls drop 2-3 links of examples of sales pages that work?

big thanks in advance

Marcin
#constructive #feedback #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Sigh. You guys should know this stuff - you're supposed to be the experts. For starters the stuff on that page is all over the place. The offer is not focused. Then you have an autoplay video playing below the fold - with the world's worst music bed ("piano to slash your wrists to") and a bad voiceover of one of you droning on about your "6P Online Formula".

    ...and the best bit? You shove an order form under our noses at the very top of the page. Before we even know what it is you're offering.

    ...and hang-on... this must be a "must see" event. Tickets start at a whole thirty clams but earlybirds can get in for a lousy ten.

    Holy Moly...
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    • Profile picture of the author mmarc
      thanks, would you be able to drop 2-3 examples of really good sales pages that you know of that works and convert?
      Signature

      Marcin

      Why Wireless Income?

      http://wirelessincomeacademy.com

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  • Profile picture of the author Raydal
    Nazi already gave you some great tips but I would just
    like to echo that the page is CONFUSING. Confused
    people are gone people. Soon as I came to the page
    the top banner took some time to load and then the
    audio started without seeing the matching video below
    the fold. The page looks like much thought wasn't
    placed into its design at all.

    The price you have at the top before you sold the
    benefits to the event. The graphics is third-class
    quality. You should be demonstrating more of what
    you claim to be teaching. I would change this before
    another 30 visitor come to this page.

    -Ray Edwards
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    The most powerful and concentrated copywriting training online today bar none! Autoresponder Writing Email SECRETS
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    • Profile picture of the author Memetics
      Definitely move the order form to the bottom of the page, as a sales funnel yours is upside down! The reader is to be coaxed, nudged and cajoled through the copy and down the funnel till they decide to buy and then, and only then, should the order form be presented.

      Is English your first language? I ask because your copy on the "6P online formula" is very lacking in energy and momentum and I suspect it's because Malay doesn't assign tenses to verbs and it's influencing your syntax.

      Take the piece below:

      1. Presence - How to Establish Strong Online Presence
      2. Position - How to Position Yourself as an Industry Expert
      3. People - How to Create Strong Online Following through Social Media
      4. Passive Interaction - How to Automate Your Interactions
      5. Promote - How to Promote Your Opportunity
      6. Profit - How to Increase Your Sales Conversions

      Having "how to" as a prefix weakens the verb which follows and allows only for the intransitive form which makes the cause and effect inference weaker.

      The reader is left thinking "so I will be shown how to do it, but will I be able to?" Whereas if the copy used the verbs in their transitive form and read:

      1. Presence - Establishing a Strong Online Presence.
      2. Position - Positioning yourself as an Industry Expert
      3. People - Creating a strong Online Following through Social Media
      4. Passive Interaction - Automating Your Interactions.
      5. Promote - I don't actually know what this means :confused:
      6. Profit - Increasing Your Sales Conversions.

      It's much more powerful and persuasive.

      By modifying the verbs into their transitive form this sets the presuppositional frame that this is what happens after they have been to the seminar as a natural cause and effect. You're the experts and this is how it is' didn't you know?

      If people are to spend good money on something like this they want definites not fuzziness or ambiguity.

      The calculation you want the prospect to come to in their head is:

      A (your seminar) + B (their business) = C (More profit)
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      First we believe.....then we consider.

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  • Profile picture of the author maxfactor
    There's a lot of generalities, not much specifics. I don't expect you to give away any secrets but a bit more detail of what's covered in the sessions would help. Also I don't see how the Bill Gates interview fits the rest of the page.

    In my browser (IE v10) the lists look weird; there's a html comment around each list item.

    Also there's a typo in the second line below Who Should Attend?
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  • Profile picture of the author swance
    I'm also full of bad news. I echo the COMPLETE confusion of the site. A confused consumer is one that closes his wallet and bails. The Nazi gives you some extremely helpful tips. Here's one more. It needs to be completely redone. Focus, Focus, Focus.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Aside from what Mal The Nazi and Ray brought up...

    ...you're totally failing to position yourself as an authority, which is the exact opposite of what you're telling prospects you can accomplish for them.

    Let's get real:

    You can't claim to know how to teach your prospects the art of branding and promoting themselves - when you're not demonstrating how that looks and feels.

    It creates a total disconnect. People won't buy it.

    Your copy reads more like notes for a letter... rather than an actual letter.

    You need to create and hone in upon your branding and positioning way more effectively.

    ...

    I notice you talk about manifestation and Think & Grow Rich.

    If you want to position yourself in front of people who follow that type of "attraction," you have to offer up way more info and agitate their circumstances far better than what you've got.

    In general...

    You've got a lot of work to do.

    But start with your own branding or identity. I have no idea who you are and why I should be listening to you.

    And yeah...

    An order form at the top of the page?

    You know better.

    Mark
    Signature

    Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    Sorry man, but it's really cheesy lol. Sounds like a combination of a Barry Manilow song and a bad hypnosis script. You def need to take the prices down have them appear at a certain point in the video. You'll have to pay a programmer for this, but if you keep it as it now, you won't make any sales...ESP not if that's the first thing they see.

    For the copy, there's just too much to say but one thing I'll tell you is to ditch the "maybe you're here..." if you've brought them to your website, you better damn well know why they're there and your message needs to convey that with conviction. Start out with three questions that they'll def say yes to...then try something like "If you've answered yes to one or more of these questions..." then lead them into your "reason why you should watch this" pitch.

    Bottom line dude, your first job is to sell them on watching the video and you're not doing that now. Think of the first few seconds like a first date, if you like the person, your next job is to get the second date, then the third and so on. Right now, the beginning of the presentation is just too comfortable. It seems to assume that the person is there to stay and that you have all the time in the world to persuade them. You don't. You've got 3 or 4 seconds to sell them on the next 10 seconds, then you've got those 10 seconds to sell them on the next 30 seconds and so on. Rewrite the first 15 seconds and sell the rest of the video, keep that up down to the close.

    That's all I have time for. Good luck.
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  • Profile picture of the author mmchael
    You are missing one compelling stand out offer / position plus you're literally telling people to go away!.

    As everyone else here has said it it's all over the place. Everything on that page can be answered in a few google queries, a free ebook or a few bucks. You're talking about commodity information. So what is it that makes your information stand out and above being a commodity.

    For each point and statement ask yourself "So What?!" and then answer it with the qualifier / benefit and then ask "So What?!" again and keep going - then you will eventually come down to some stand out benefits about what it is you're selling. Most importantly JUST ONE! of which everything else will hang off.

    Get rid of the Go Big or Go Home. That's intimidating. For most, subconsciously, you've told them to go away. Most people do not believe they can get big. Negative statements are dangerous and should only be used after much testing for a very specific action in a very creative well thought out approach. People read pages subconsciously more than they do consciously - be very careful of the signals you send and what you are telling people to do.
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