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Could you critique my marketing video copy?

by Paul Hermanson
10 replies
I'd like to define myself as an IMer, but still an aspiring copywriter. I couldn't resist the opportunity to have the best of the best give me critiques on my new marketing video script. (And any general critiques/ideas are always welcome)
This video will appear on the page in my sig line. I left in the AIDCA headings so you can see what I am trying to accomplish.

Thank you all!

~Paul
#copy #critique #marketing #script #video
  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    You start out trying to be cute and clever. Don't do that.

    Get to the core message of connecting likeminded entrepreneurs right off the bat. You're essentially a matchmaker. You help product creators and service providers (man, I hate that term) meet each other and form profitable partnerships/relationships.

    Attack the biggest pain point from the beginning...

    ...and trigger the feeling (inside the mind of your prospects) of having something "I KNOW people will massively benefit from - IF I can just frickin' find them!"

    Mark

    P.S. So many talented copywriters, graphic designers, video creators, etc., fall by the wayside everyday - BECAUSE they didn't figure out how to drive relevant traffic and gain massive exposure. If you can genuinely fix this problem and help professional marketers and business owners connect, you need to have a much stronger, emotionally-driven script.
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Hermanson
      Thanks Mark. That is super helpful! "Cute and clever"...yep. See, that's probably my personality talking - maybe not my best marketing skills. I appreciate it.
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    Paul, don't get me wrong, it's great to be authentic and let your personality shine.

    But there are more effective ways of doing it. Step one: Make sure your message is crystal clear. Then you can inject a little of your personal flair. I mean, the whole script needs to be your "voice" (or your brand's voice,) but being clever can really backfire - especially if it isn't prefaced by clearly connecting with the conversation already happening inside of your ideal prospect's head.

    I like the service. It has legs. I'm not sure the branding (JVBoardroom) is right. But I'm not involved in the process. So for now, I'll just watch and see where you take it.

    Mark
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Hermanson
      Ok, great! Thanks for the clarification. Yeah, that is perceptive of you. The branding was really tough to come up with in the first place. My co-founder and I struggled with it for too long. We figured we should just let it be for now and re-brand it when we get some momentum. We have fallen into the trap before where we spend way too long working on our project without validating the idea and getting some customers.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross Bowring
    Don't take this as being mean. Take it as feedback to get better.

    The writing reads "immature."

    It reads like a couple high-school'ers are having a bit of a laugh.

    Communicate the message with more seriousness and urgency.

    Can this change someone's life? If so, that's a big grown-up deal.

    Your tone should match that.

    Also, precious little credibility in your letter Paul.

    No compelling or creative use of social proof.

    "Being a part" of a successful website no-one has heard of, tells me as a reader not to trust you.

    Think about how you can link yourself to more success.

    I bet you can if you really think about it.

    --- Ross
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Hermanson
      Ross, I am pretty good at taking advice and not taking things personally ;-) It has definitely served me well in life. Thank you so much for your feedback! I don't disagree with your assessment. Changing someone's life, in a meaningful and significant way...and with urgency! That is a great mentality-shift for this messaging.

      Compelling and creative use of social proof! Yes, you are right. I don't have any $$ figures to impress people. Am I credible? I know that I can provide value. So, yes. But, I need to be more creative, and I appreciate your confidence that I can do so.

      Respectfully,

      Paul
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  • Profile picture of the author benracz
    Paul,

    If this is actually supposed to be a pre-launch video script, then I suggest you avoid pitching people on anything. Instead you should be building a relationship with them. Building credibility. Giving away free value.

    In pre-launch you should be introducing yourself in a concise fashion, perhaps through a short story, getting them agitated about a problem they all have, giving them a good and powerful solution for free, with value that they can go out and use immediately... and possibly hint at the next problem that you're going to solve for them (for free) in your next video.

    Pre-launch is about pre-sales. To me this video feels like you trying to sell something really hard.

    -Ben
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Hermanson
      Ooh Ben. It looks like I'm trying to hard, huh? You are right, this is a pre-launch video. Good call. It's time to build rapport and give to others. Thanks!

      I saw Eric Wagner announced his new IGNITE platform yesterday. I like the layout of the video sales page he is using.

      I've seen this several times. Maybe this type of layout would be better to deliver the pre-sales as you are describing.
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  • Profile picture of the author benracz
    Yeah that looks good, just don't start it with a really obviously bored "hi there, wow, today is an awesome day" :-D
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