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My first copy ever--Please critique, would appreciate all the help I can get!

by magic456
10 replies
Hey guys,

I have been trying to have other people write for me for some time. Ofcourse I could not hire expensive writers. So I finally decided that I was going to write my own copy.

Now I am not a writer and neither am I a native speaker. So I know there are gramar mistakes. I will have someone edit the english after I finish everything else.

But for now all your feedback to help me improve this page and conver will be appreciated.

Thanks in Advance to all of you!

-Magic

My site: Get a Girlfriend
#copy #everwould
  • Profile picture of the author George Chernikov
    I'm really knackered right now, so it's probably best for both of us if I don't go into detail on what can be improved (and I'm hardly an authority voice, anyway).

    However, one thing that jumped at me is the price - $75 is extremely steep for an e-book in this market. Most seduction guides that I've seen go for $47 tops. It's not that you can't sell it at this price - it's just that it might take a REALLY good copywriter to accurately communicate the value proposition that justifies the premium price.

    Also, take a close look at your testimonials - names like "Magic", "President" and "Charisma" really threw me off.

    There's a lot more to be said - but, as mentioned earlier, I'm fairly knackered, and I'm sure there are more authoritative voices on this forum who will happily provide you with more educated feedback than I ever could.
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    • Profile picture of the author magic456
      Originally Posted by George Chernikov View Post

      However, one thing that jumped at me is the price - $75 is extremely steep for an e-book in this market. Most seduction guides that I've seen go for $47 tops. It's not that you can't sell it at this price - it's just that it might take a REALLY good copywriter to accurately communicate the value proposition that justifies the premium price.
      I think I will take your suggestion and do a split test with $39 on this site see which works better.

      Thanks George!
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  • Profile picture of the author magic456
    Thanks brother, much appreciate your response!

    I hear you about the pricing. I do sell them for this price on my main site but obviously people visit that out of my reputation. I actually did a test on a different site for $39 and had less sale than I get for $ 75. Yeah I need to demonstrate value for my product in the letter just not sure what else can I do.

    About the testimony. I have been told that before. The thing is these are real testimonies. In the "pick up community" people use fake names as they do not want to be identified. I did not want to make my own testimonies but may be I need to persuade them to let me use their first names.

    I appreciate you taking the time. have a great weekend!
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  • Profile picture of the author mailco
    Looks good to me, do you have an affiliate link?
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    Australia's biggest biz opp seekers list...
    MailcoAustralia.com

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  • Profile picture of the author magic456
    Mailco,
    I did get your earlier message. Yeah I will let you know tom when my affiliate links are live on the site.
    Thanks for your interest!

    I hope more people critique my copy
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  • Profile picture of the author icering87
    - " I was made to believe that I will never succeed with women because of my race, skin color and accent." I don't know how well that line resonates with people. Women come in different races, skin colors and accents to...

    - If your going to say "my secret for dating women" I want to know who the hell you are. You have bits and piece of this info scattered all over the copy, I would collect your bio and tell people who you are and why you can help the: " I used to bea sex counselor for women." paragraph Is important to know early as you establish credibility for this product. That's changes the entire premise of the page.

    - "Why do you think Discovery channel is so popular? " ....you didn't tell me...I don't get the connection. They build machines and stuff on that channel too...what does channel that have to do with this. I went to the discovery channel website to see what was on and got this:

    Belly of the Beast
    Helicopters
    TV-PG, CC

    Host Rossi Morreale explores what makes helicopters tick. He discovers how they work, and how to fly them. From the firepower of the Apache to the aerobatics of a stunt pilot, he finds out why this is the most versatile flying machine on Earth.

    not obviously revelant to sex IMO.

    - Since you claimed to have trouble with women you might want to have a sales video of yourself so we can see what you meant. You mentioned accent accent, skin color and race so....what you got....even more so with the line: "If I Can Attract Women And Get multiple Girlfriend's Using My Method There Is Absolutely No Reason Why You Can't!"

    - $75 is a high price for something like this, expecially with no celebrity status that I know of in the market.
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    • Profile picture of the author magic456
      Originally Posted by icering87 View Post

      - " I was made to believe that I will never succeed with women because of my race, skin color and accent." I don't know how well that line resonates with people. Women come in different races, skin colors and accents to...
      I used this for two reasons:
      1. I know sometime people hesitate thinking how the hell can an Indian guy be good with women. So I wanted to address that concern here.

      2. I am also trying to use the race to my advantage. A white guy getting girls is no big deal because socially they are considered superior but not Indian men. It is almost like saying how a fat, ugly guy can get women.

      (I know this above statement does not sound good but it is what it is. I hate making such statements but I do want to make honest statements here to improve as oppose to make politically correct staements. Apologize if I offended anyone!)

      I have students who keep telling this to me over and over. They tell me they had doubts that I could pull women because of my ethnicity until they see me demo. I also hear all the time that a white instructor pulling girls is no big deal but it is amazing to see someone with Indian accent be this successful. This is why I decided to use these statement as I realized that is how market is thinking...May be I am wrong here and will probe more into it. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

      - If your going to say "my secret for dating women" I want to know who the hell you are. You have bits and piece of this info scattered all over the copy, I would collect your bio and tell people who you are and why you can help the: " I used to bea sex counselor for women." paragraph Is important to know early as you establish credibility for this product. That's changes the entire premise of the page.
      Yeah you are absolutely right! I will fix that...Thanks!

      - "Why do you think Discovery channel is so popular? " ....you didn't tell me...I don't get the connection. They build machines and stuff on that channel too...what does channel that have to do with this. I went to the discovery channel website to see what was on and got this
      Yeah I need to make that statement more specific to programs on discovery channel that relate to the field. I thought it was obvious but I keep forgetting I am not writing it for me


      [quote]- Since you claimed to have trouble with women you might want to have a sales video of yourself so we can see what you meant. You mentioned accent accent, skin color and race so....what you got....even more so with the line: "If I Can Attract Women And Get multiple Girlfriend's Using My Method There Is Absolutely No Reason Why You Can't!"[quote]

      In my previous sales letter I used to have a montage of me approaching different women but with data I realized people would either get bored or leaveto my you tube account to see more so I decided to take it out. But may be I will test it out with this new layout.

      - $75 is a high price for something like this, expecially with no celebrity status that I know of in the market.
      I have no problem selling my copy for $75 if the audience knows me. And yes I will be selling this for $39.

      Thanks a lot brother that feedback was very helpful!
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Your copy has a LOT of problems.

    My advice would be to buy a few copywriting books, read them, learn them, then take another shot at it... because at the moment it's just not in any state for a constructive critique.

    Also study great letters in your niche - Eben Pagan (SP?) has some amazing stuff, and Rod Cortez of THE DATE PRO is an amazing marketer/copywriter.

    Aside from the copy... although admittedly tied into it... you're in a VERY competitive niche.

    What's your story, your hook? What separates you from the other ebooks out there that are selling at a much lower price?

    I think it would be the fact that you teach ETHICAL ways of getting yourself in with women which isn't built on lies or deception.

    But that's just what I would be doing if I wrote this copy.

    If anyone critiques you... it's just going to be general stuff you can get from any copywriting book. Your copy needs a lot of work before it can get to the nitty gritty stage.

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author magic456
    Dan thanks for taking the time and looking at my page. Also appreciate your advice to read more books. I have started doing that but of course I cannot hold my bussiness until I become good at writing or can afford to pay 10K to professional writer. But I have taken your advice to heart and will study the topic well.
    Thanks again!
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