Hi Guys. I would like to take some help from you guys, cos i suck in copywriting!

The sales page needs a little tweeking. You really need your subscribe form towards the top of the page. Most people may not make it that far down. the sales message is better than you think.
There is some wierd wordings like--> Okay, enough "Foreplay", lets' get started:

As you already know, I would get rid of this entirly.

It is just simple stuff like that.

Hi Jason,

Hope this doesn't burst your bubble, but the sales page hit me like a generic copy of all the long scroll sales letters that turn many people off.

Perhaps a keyword specific capture page(s) with a video to connect with your audience prior to the boring long scroll page? Or even better, a video sales letter if you want to go with something closer to your current sales letter. I know a guy who markets a killer vid sales letter maker, very affordable. Let me know if you want the referral. Food for thought.

For copy writing help, either subscribe to Michel Fortin (from Ottawa) or start one of the methods he and all great copy gurus use and swipe file your way to copy writing heaven.

Best,

Your headline is awkward:

"Discover Amazing Breakthrough Strategies That Will Quickly And Easily build Your Opt-In List On Auto-Pilot With Eager Buyers By Driving Truckloads Of Targeted & Responsive Leads To Your Squeeze Pages Automatically In Real Time For Instant Contact Starting Right Now... Guaranteed!

I'm not sure what you're offering but I certainly wonder how you can make these claims: "Eager Buyers" and "Truckloads Of Targeted & Responsive Leads..."

What if their offer sucks? What if their copy sucks? In my opinion there are too many variables beyond your control. Try this:

Allow Me To Show You Insane List-Building Strategies That Will Dramatically Increase Your Traffic, Explode Your Profits, and Hyper-Multiply Your List Size At Warp Speed. If I Don't Deliver On All Of These Promises and Much More, You'll Get Your Money Back With A Smile, Guaranteed!

Even if you don't like what I have I think I'd keep the headline more focused on building the size of the list rather promising responsive leads.

A bit into the letter you talk about the invention of the telephone, the airplane and the Internet and do a poor job of relating those breakthroughs to your product. In fact, I found myself wondering what that stuff has to do with list building.

Another thing I find annoying as hell is this... and this... and this again...

Some text lends itself to using ... as a pause point but in my opinion you've taken it way too far. I also believe you've overused the "quote" as a point of emphasis. If the idea is to get people to read your message why would you throw in endless punctuation that slows them down?

There are also quite a few punctuation issues throughout.

On the bright side you have a lot of excellent bullet and check points illustrating your benefits and features. Use them. Get right to the point in your opening paragraph and then hit the reader with a half dozen or so of your best benefits. SELL THE BENEFITS!

Continue on by pointing out the marketer's frustrations, fears and problems and then hit them with another set of benefits that offers the solutions.

Problem, solution. Problem, solution. Problem, solution.

And don't be afraid of using all of your material up front because you can summarize the whole piece in closing with your best features again.

One more thing. I know that opinions vary on this but I'd get the opt-in bonus offer out of the middle of the page. There's an old saying, if you chase two rabbits you'll lose them both. I'd put a float-in sign-up offer on the table only if they are clicking away. Otherwise they just might want to see what you've got with your 45 secrets and then forget about you. Good luck!

Based on a quick scan:

- Your headline is 2 giant paragraphs

- The big paragraphs/headline is weird to read isn't easy to understand

- Some of the word choices turn me off. Things such as : "almost 'magical' way to make all the money you desire" and: "enough foreplay"

- Later i as scan on, the message becomes pretty clear. I would consider simplifying the letter as a whole, you don't really need a crazy headline. A simple hook will work for you and if you can compress the infromation I think it will be good enough to send out. Because right now it's to long..as if your trying to hard to sell it when IMO, to the right market, this sells itelf.

My biggest gripe is the arrangement ( I'm a professional arranger so go figure) For this kind of product all you need to do is show them why and how what you provide can help their business. After they become interested you can launch the detailed benefit onslaught you have. Other arrangement things:

- The opt-in box being that low on the page is probably going to hurt you.

- Another thing I noticed is a audience split. The tone of the first part sounds as if this is for people who are new to interenet marketing, business online and list builing. yet later as I jump around I catch paragraphs and sentences that contain jargon we would use on this forum.

- I would more what your product does to a place after you explain why they need to know the info your selling.


Right now inbetween this is a lot of talk, I find myself say "oookkkk.."

overall: I would just get to the point faster and easier.

Thanks for the valuable inputs, i am trying to impliment it now. i do have a few questions on which i will be getting back to you.

The main thing I notice from my 3 second browse of your page is the subheadlines throughout the copy, or lack of them.

I will assume you've written your 50 headlines, so use some of them as your subheads. This is called dual readership path, where some people will read every word, the rest will simply scan your subheads and you have to make them compelling and flowing enough to tell the story and sell the product. So if they just read the headlines, the subheads and get to the order link, those things are powerful enough on their own to make the sale.

I'm referring the the many places where you use three periods in a series... It's all over your page and slows the reader down.

As for pointing out 'exactly' were the other issues are, well... (proper use of ...) that would be what you pay a proofreader for. Good luck!

How does this tone sound?

A second edit

Hey Jason,

It's a good start. Here's my comments:

*The whole thing reads like a first draft. You need to go over it with a fine-tooth comb, cut out anything that's not completely killer. Shorten sentences, headlines, and everything else until every word on that page serves as a powerful, persuasive piece of work.

*I don't see anything about your story or credibility, which is KEY in the IM field. If you haven't used this book to get killer results yourself, well, I'm not sure you should be selling it. If you HAVE gotten those results, PUT THAT DOWN! You need to prove why I should listen to you over guys like Mike Filsaime... or, at least, point out that you know your stuff (most IMers are happy to buy ebooks if they think they'll get one gem of info out of it).

*Your general "layout" of the copy is ADD. You need to write an overview, like:

Headline, subhead, intro (why list building is good), my credibility, bullets, testimonials... blah blah

At the moment your page is written diorrhea. The good stuff is in there... it's just that for every one piece of killer copy you have, you have another four pieces of crap that don't help you. You need to seriously trim that letter.

*I don't see any testimonials on your page. While they're not essential for some letters (Jason Moffat says his highest converting page has none) they do usually help improve response.

*Your general approach is skewed. Without doing some more research I could be wrong, but I believe your target is people who already HAVE lists (or at least are seriously considering getting them). Your copy starts to read as "if you've never done anything on the internet before, use this and you can make money".

I think you want to tell people that a list is powerful (a lot more briefly than you have here) and mention the benefits they can have when they have a huge list (money on demand comes to mind).

In essence, you have to define your target market a lot more tightly.

*You need a HOOK.

As it stands, your copy doesn't set you apart from the thousands of other similar products out there. You've gotten into a specialized niche, that's great... now you just need a hook to help you stand out.

Kind regards,

-Dan

J,

There are multiple angles to sculpting the perfect sales message. However, based off what I saw - you should start at the basic level. I have two simple but very powerful recommendations to make your copy so riveting your prospects will beg to read it:

1) It seems that you understand the two elements of a sales message that reach out and seize your readers attention. The first is "emotion sales" and the second is "people think with images." However, you have to understand that too much of anything is a bad thing. You MUST find a more appropriate mix of logic and emotion to create the perfect potion that will cause your profits to explode. Understand that too much emotion and not enough logic in a sales message equals HYPE. And unfortunately, if your copy is laced with excessive HYPE - you mine as well hang up your hat and go home because you're not going to sell a damn thing...

2) Simplify - Did you know your main headline has over 40 words long? That's a BIG problem -- especially when over 15 of your words have more than 1 syllable. That is one HUGE piece of meat for your prospects to chew one! And, honestly, I would be shocked if anyone stay on your site long enough to get to your actual message. Additionally, you have sprinkled these bread crumbs (run on sentences) throughout your message - making it very difficult to read.

A "simple" fix here is to write all of your copy in MS Word first. Then get MS Word to tell you the reading level of your message (Just google it to figure out how to turn on this feature if it already isn't on). Stay around an 8th grade reading level. And try to keep your sentences to a minimum of 7-8 simple words. Trust me - your prospects with thank you for this...then they'll pay for your amazing product...

On a side note - you have obviously noticed that you are not the best copywriter around - heck, neither am I - and this is good. However, writing is something anyone can learn, including you. Additonally, it is necessary if you want to continue to sell those great products!

Just think about it like this...You can have the BEST product in the world - but if you can communicate that fact to your audience it will not sell. However, you can have a complete piece of Sh!t, but if you can communicate it benefits well - you stand a chance of surviving this ever-changing marketing battle ground...

I hope this helps.