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Experts! Can you tell me how much my sales letter SUCKED?

by Crowbar
7 replies
Cheese whiz! Could really use your help here!

Having done my first paid sales letter (only $200 though) after doing the Gary Halbert training, I'm curious about what you think.

Do you think I did well or... did I screw up?

Just click the link the link below, if you would, read the letter (12 minute read, but faster if you skim through it), and come back and tell me your thoughts, please!

Here's a link to the letter in PDF format: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9DI...it?usp=sharing

Your comments are gratefully appreciated!

Aaron
#experts #letter #sales #sucked
  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Aaron,

    The headline needs work.

    "Make Your Move More Efficient" is too abstract to resonate with the reader.

    What main problem will the checklist solve? What negative emotions will it calm?

    Alex
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    • Profile picture of the author Crowbar
      You're so right it's painful! How about this?

      "Free Tools And Add-Ons For Callers Can Save You 20% Of Your Hair (From Pulling It ) And 20% Of Your Dollars (From Spending It) On Your Next Move --These Tools Are Worth $1,540 And You Won't Find Them Anywhere Else"

      (This is actually already going up... Hopefully it's good)
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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    The headline is still trying a bit too hard.

    Just give people what they want - Quick, easy, hassle free, problems solved.

    If they are not aware (or if it helps to remind them) emphasise the big problem with the catastrophic consequences (this could go on a pre-headline).

    Then the solution (on the main headline).


    Steve
    Signature
    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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  • Profile picture of the author Mark Pescetti
    I think you're focusing too much on agitation and just need to get straight to the benefits.

    Mark
    Signature

    Do you want a 9 figure copywriter and biz owner to Write With You? I'll work with you, on zoom, to help write your copy or client copy... while you learn from one of the few copywriters to legit hit 9 figures in gross sales! Discover More

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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      What is it?

      Home Movers Check-list.

      What does it do?

      Skips Moving Nightmares

      So here's your headline...

      " Home Movers Check-list
      Skips Moving Nightmares"

      Has a news report headline feel,
      therefore gets read.

      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Warriors
    I was going to basically say what Alex said. Your "incredible offer" doesn't carry much weight unless you are guaranteeing something and measurable. For example, "cut down on your moving time by at least 2 hours" or something like that.
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  • Profile picture of the author goindeep
    For me personally it is waaaaaay too much for a simple removalist service offer. Cut it down to half an a4 size page, simple, clean get to the point. No one cares about anything else... I see what your are trying to do but in my opinion you are wasting your time... the whole thing needs to be re-hashed.

    Stick to a simple offer and get them to take action.

    We'll Finish Your Move Within Four Hours or Lunch Is On Us!
    Signature
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