New Landing Page

Hi Michael,

I think the page looks great. Plenty of white space all the way around, so it's not too cluttered or crowded.

The graphics of your product look very nice.

It reads very nicely.

I'm just wondering if there are too many bullet points following "Let me ask you...Does your business suffer from the following symptoms..."

It's a pretty long list.

I realize you're going to solve these problems for the client, but it makes me wonder if part of these could be broken out into a separate landing page.

That way, landing page A could focus on clients with specific problems from that list of bullet points, and then you could take the rest of the bullet points and speak directly to another set of restaurant owners on landing page B.

Does that make sense?

Landing page A could focus on beating the recession.

Landing page B could focus on the staff issues that you mentioned.

Landing page C could focus on advertising/marketing.

Landing page D could focus on the business plan and related issues.

They would all sell the same product, but you would be speaking directly to their needs when they come to that landing page.

Maybe I've got problems and I'm online looking for solutions because I don't feel like my Yellow Pages ad is doing me much good. If that's the problem I'm trying to solve when I find your web site, I might start reading your copy and think, "This isn't what I'm looking for" and click away before I scroll on down and see that you really can help solve my problem.

So I would suggest separate landing pages geared toward specific needs within your niche, and alter the copy in the top part of the page to further speak directly to those clients when they come to your site.

- the page itself looks good

- "Attention: Restaurant and Café Owners - FREE Report Reveals
How To Beat The Recession, Attract new Customers And your Increase Profits"

What do you think of this headline vs. the origional? I tried to iron the choppiness out. "Pizza, cafe and restaurant" all go in the same place, "survive & beat" and trying to say the same thing so you only needed one to make your point.

- The subhead has the same problem "If you are a café, pizza or restaurant owner or manager,this powerful report could change the way you look at
getting new customers and promoting your restaurant"

This paragraph translates to: If I'm a cafe owner/manager, pizza owner/manager or restaurant owner/manager lol. You put an "or" as if theirs a seperation.

- In the body copy you start with: I’m afraid I have some bad news for you right at the beginning… but if you stick with me, I’m going to help you get over this huge hurdle. Now the bad news…"

I'm not so sure about the arrangement of that. You may want to consider: 'I’m afraid I have some bad news for you....(tell them)....but if you stick with me, I’m going to help you get over this huge hurdle. '

- At the same time, the news your telling them isn't really news right about now. I think it's been hammered in our heads the economy is bad.

Those are the only things that slapped me in the face.

Michael,

First off, you've obviously at least tried to create a good sales page. It seems like you have studied copy for some amount of time - kudos to you.

Now, here are the major problems a quick glance at your sales page revealed to me:

*The order is completely out of whack. Your testimonials are at the end, you have an order link not far into the page... it's weird. Following a more logical progression would be a big help.

*As you mentioned, your writing isn't your strong point. I swear to God if I read "restaurant, pizza and cafe" (isn't a pizza a FOOD?) one more time I'm going to stab my eyes out.

Seriously though, half of what a copywriter DOES is to create letters that flow, and words are a big part of that. Your writing is jagged and stutters, and needs a lot of tweaking.

*Why do you have an audio of you reading the sales page? Usually the audio has something different... like a short blurb introduction of you or something.

*You need to work on your overall positioning. Your "USP" and "story" just aren't there at the moment... and they need to be.

There are a lot of other minor issues but these ones are absolute killers.

Kind regards,

-Dan

Hey Michael,

First up, great niche.

There are tens of millions of bucks
to be made teaching offline businesses
how to better market themselves.

Literally.

I've got some pointers for
your pages though.

Squeeze Page-
To be honest, when I first looked at it,
I thought I had clicked on the salesletter
by mistake.

It's too long. Unless you've got dynamite
copy, a shorter squeeze page is usually
more effective. Don't give the visitor a
chance to get bored. Give them the whole
thing right there above the fold.

Show them what they're getting, tell
them why they want it, and tell them
what to do to get it.

It's that simple.

Salesletter-
First up, you need to grab the reader a lot harder.

Your prehead is probably not worth having there,
because it doesn't do anything. You want a pre-
head to single out your prospect - it should target
the exact people in your market with laser precision.

Your headline needs more "zing". It needs to pop.
"How To" headlines are quite often the safe bet if
you aren't an accomplished copywriter, but that
doesn't mean you can't make it exciting.

Picture the end result of using your service- your
number one benefit. Will the restaurant owner
have so much cash he'll have to buy a bigger safe?

Tell him that. Make it exciting, and you'll be able
to engage more people right from the start.

Okay, now your body copy.

First up, the idea of the intro isn't so bad. The
execution isn't great, but opening up by
rubbing salt in their wounds and really agitating
their problem can be a great approach.

Problem is, there's too much of it here. I'd
get rid of some of those bullets. Keep the
3-5 most powerful ones, and cull the rest.

After that though, things don't go so well.
The "get it now" button comes way too
early. You haven't even begun to get the
sale by that point.

From the structure of the letter, I'd say
you weren't really sure how to put the
whole thing together.

Seems like you had a few "Hmm, what goes
next?" moments.

I think the best advice I can give you is to
either hire a pro to write you a killer letter,
or hit the books and study up on some of
the fundamentals of good copy.

One final tip - some of those testimonials that
are right at the bottom are killer. Use them
higher up. If they're right at the bottom like
that, most readers won't get a chance to be
wowed by them.

Good luck.

-David Raybould

PS- I second Daniel's comment about pizza
being a food, not a restaurant.

And that typo/mistake is costing you money.

One thing for me and this could just be me and my pref is the get it now button looks uh "home made" there is a great package of buttons floating around i would personally look for a little better button and maybe use some of the other graphics in the package to spruce it up a bit.

Fud

Looks nice!