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Skinny this down even more without losing effectiveness?

by anamealreadyinuse
5 replies
I've taken a verbose "book" of an about us page and shortened it to the following. I'd still like to shorten this down to two sentences MAX but have no idea how to do this without losing everything this says. Any suggestions or ideas?

ACME Web, Inc. is a LOCAL website and database programming company founded over 13 years ago.
  • We discovered a need in the area for a real estate website solution that is easy to use, looks great and is affordable.
  • Most importantly, we realized REALTORS® needed a company that understood the unique needs of a Southwest Florida REALTOR®.
  • We provide a personal, local support to our REALTORS® so that you can focus on selling real estate.
#effectiveness #losing #skinny
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Originally Posted by anamealreadyinuse View Post

    I'd still like to shorten this down to two sentences MAX but have no idea how to do this without losing everything this says.
    Why?

    The about page is an important element of a good site.

    What you've got at the moment is boring, dry copy that doesn't really tell the reader anything of interest, to further trim it to two sentences would be to render it near enough worthless.
    Signature

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author Steve The Copywriter
    What is the "need?"

    How do you "understand" them?

    And what is the "support?"

    Your audience will be asking these questions.


    Steve
    Signature
    http://www.warriorforum.com/warriors...right-now.html
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    • Profile picture of the author anamealreadyinuse
      Sorry, not about...home page actually. Need a short to the point and yes you are right it is total fluff says alot of nothing.

      How about this, any suggestions?

      ACME Web, Inc. is a LOCAL website and database programming company founded over 13 years ago.
      • We discovered a need in our area for an easy to use, great looking and affordable REALTOR® website solution.
      • We found local REALTORS® lacked the tools necessary to allow potential buyers to search on the numerous waterfront options and local amenities that are unique to Southwest Florida. We now provide that to you and you audience.
      • Local support by our staff guarantees somebody knowledable about the area and available to meet you one-on-one to focus and help develop your unique marketing approach.
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  • Profile picture of the author James Clouser
    Are you trying to make a Unique Selling Proposition out of what you have? If so, that second bullet point is what you're after.

    What's the outcome for the realtors who hire you to build them a site? That's the basis of your USP or website hook.
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    • Profile picture of the author anamealreadyinuse
      Here is what I came up with...seems clunky to me still...any suggestions?

      (headline)REALTOR® Websites That Work!
      (sub headline)Local Website Support Just For You!
      • We found local REALTORS® lacked the tools necessary to capture potential buyers (LEADS!). Our website offers you advanced features allowing viewers to search on the numerous waterfront options, property types and local amenities that are unique to Southwest Florida.
      • We provide you an easy to use, great looking and affordable REALTOR® website solution backed by our local company, complete with knowledge about the unique needs of the Southwest Florida REALTOR®.
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