Please I need help with this salesletter

by akinlawon

Posted: 11 years ago 23 replies

COPY WRITING

Good day everyone,
i have been having some issues with this sales letter. i do not still think its good enough. I have written the sales letter for a fashion designer in a university and he plans to distribute this to students in the university. they are having their matriculation soon. In this school of his, the matriculation day is a big day. Please help me go through it and let me know your opinions about it.

<............................sales letter starts here...................................>

WARNING: Don't Even Think About Buying
A Blazer Until You Read This!
Friday, 8 : 26 a.m.
November 6, 2013

DEAR (Name of Receiver):
I want you to stop every other thing you are doing and use the next few minutes of your time to read every word in this letter. I am convinced you would joyfully thank me when you are done reading it.
I am going to be precise about this because I know how valuable your time is.

I am sure by now you have seen some adverts around on blazers. These adverts are quite many and you are probably not sure of the fashion designer to choose because you don't want to have a messed up blazer on your matriculation day and you don't want to be ripped off--in other words scammed.

The blazer you wear on your matriculation day is one of the few things that are difficult to forget. Just like you haven't forgotten the blazer you wore for your valedictory service when you left secondary school, it is the same way you wouldn't forget your matriculation blazer. Since it is difficult to forget the blazer you will wear during your matric, why not make sure that memory of your blazer would be a fantastic one? Why not make sure you would have a fantastic blazer?

A friend of mine says a fantastic blazer is a blazer that perfectly fits you and makes you look completely fresh and handsome. Do you completely agree with that? I hope you said NO because it is not completely true. A fantastic blazer is a blazer that perfectly fits you, makes you look completely fresh and handsome, and is well worth the price paid for it.

I almost had a fantastic blazer during my matric because my blazer fulfilled all my friend's requirements but missed out on the last one. My blazer wasn't worth the price I paid for it. How did I know? I saw the exact same thing on another guy and I asked him how much he paid for it. I couldn't believe what I heard. He paid almost half the price I paid. He made the right choice by selecting a fashion designer that truly makes a fantastic blazer.

Every time I remember the price I paid for it, I feel seriously terrible and cheated. Though I enjoyed the compliments I received from a lot of people (a lot being girls), the fact that I over paid for the blazer was not good at all. I could have used the extra money to buy a tie, belt, cufflinks, socks and some other accessories I needed. (Promise me you wouldn't spread my gist. I borrowed the pair of socks I wore during my matric).

I want to give you the opportunity to rock a fantastic blazer during your matric by making you an offer that a lot of people have in time past said impossible to resist. (Well, except you are so rich that after a long day of boring classes and you are very hungry , you buy a coke bottle at an insane price of N5000 and Chelsea bread at a ridiculous price of N2500 and throw it immediately into the dustbin just because someone messed up the air).

I want to make you a fantastic blazer and also make sure you don't have to borrow anything on your matriculation day. I want to make sure you are looking fantabulous and super fresh.

I want to give you a new tie, belt, cufflinks, a pair of socks (all for FREE) that would all match with your choice of clothes for your matric so that you are looking all new and sparkling. (Name of receiver), it doesn't end there. I want to give you:
• A chance to win a FREE fantastic blazer
• A FREE dry cleaning service for the first 3 months after purchase
• A FREE tailoring service should you have any issues with your blazer for the first 6 months
• And most importantly, a 30-day money back guarantee. Yes! You read that correctly. If for any reason, you are not satisfied with your fantastic blazer, we would refund your money completely within the first 30 days after delivery.

Make an educated guess of how much you think this deal will cost? I am sure you missed it. I really want to make you look fantabulous and super fresh on your matric and I am going to be doing it at no extra cost. I am going to give you this deal and all its benefits for the same price it would cost to just acquire a fantastic blazer. That's only N 15,000.

This offer ends in the next 3 hours and you can only take advantage of it if you are among the first 100 to RUN DOWN TO THE RECEPTION NOW AND PUT DOWN YOUR NAME WITH ME.

You don't even have to go through the stress of walking a long distance to Daniel or Joseph Hall.

I sent this letter to everyone in this hall and it takes the average reader 5 minutes to go through this letter. If you are in your 6th minute, my guess is you are already too late. But you never can tell. You might just be lucky!!!

If you have to run down the stairs please do it gently as your health and safety is more important than a fantastic blazer.

Take advantage of this offer. Make no mistake. This offer will be gone and gone for life!!! You will never see this offer again and you will never see an offer as good as this.

Yours sincerely,

CEO.........clothings

<.........sales letter ends here........>

Thanks a lot.

#copywriting advice #copywriting advice needed #salesletter

max5ty 11 years ago

This letter makes no damn sense.

Is this for English speaking people?
- Thanks
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Mark Pescetti

11 years ago

The whole thing needs to be scrapped.

You're obviously not english speaking... and no amount of practice will create an end result you'll be able to profit from in the next few years.

There's NO positioning here. None. So offering a critique won't help you.

Mark

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akinlawon

11 years ago

Thanks for your comments.

The kind of english words used in this letters are words that the readers are familiar with. the words they use normally and how they refer to the blazer.

I wrote the letter having the intended audience in my mind.

Thanks again

Thanks
2 replies

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akinlawon 11 years ago

@mark..thank you very much.

Please what do you mean by positioning??
- Thanks
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Tim R

11 years ago

Originally Posted by akinlawon

I don't think you understand what people are saying. It's clear that English is not your native language, so the letter sounds terrible. In which country is this letter going to be distributed? If it's an English speaking country the letter will just get tossed in the bin.

Even if you're translating it into their/your native language, you need to make it a lot more conversational and natural. Are you getting paid by someone to write this?

Tim.

Thanks
1 reply

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akinlawon 11 years ago

@TIMR...thanks very much..

Im not getting paid to do it im only doing it for a friend of mine.

I would write another one and put it up here..
- Thanks
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Steve The Copywriter

11 years ago

I get the feeling this will be written in the native language.

Did you translate for us?

This might be why it doesn't read well.

From a copy angle it jumps and cavorts all over the place.

And is more than a little confusing.

But I think I get the idea.

There seems to be a lot of passion about the quality of the blazer and how important it is.

This is good and the "story" should be told.

Write about making a really great blazer for a big occasion which will fit perfectly and look superb. So much better than any competitors explaining all the reasons why. Prove it's a blazer they'll be proud to wear. Custom made at a very reasonable price with valuable extra gifts.

It's a limited offer so people do need to act quickly.

Just write this logically and coherently.

With the emotional pull to show that the tailor (designer) really does care.

Steve

Thanks
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akinlawon 11 years ago

@steve thanks a lot for the advice.

i would write another sales letter and would put it up as soon as im done...

thanks a lot.
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max5ty

11 years ago

Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter

I get the feeling this will be written in the native language.

Did you translate for us?

This might be why it doesn't read well.

From a copy angle it jumps and cavorts all over the place.

And is more than a little confusing.

But I think I get the idea.

There seems to be a lot of passion about the quality of the blazer and how important it is.

This is good and the "story" should be told.

If it's about making a really great blazer for a big occasion which will fit perfectly and look superb. So much better than any competitors. It's a blazer you'll be proud to wear. Custom made at a very reasonable price with valuable extra gifts.

It's a limited offer so people do need to act quickly.

Just write this logically and coherently.

With the emotional pull to show that the tailor (designer) really does care.

Steve

Quit trying to BS people...this thing sucks and you know it.

Thanks

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Steve The Copywriter 11 years ago

Max my good friend,

I never BS people. I diplomatically said the letter did suck (it's a complete mess but I didn't want to hammer it. Because I think the OP realises this. He mentioned "issues" and "still doesn't think it's good enough" It's not. But he's giving it a go and for all we know this could be the 27th attempt).

So I tried to give some ideas on how it could be improved.

The OP said he wrote it for a friend, he's not being paid, it looks like he's doing this as a well intentioned favour (it's obvious he's not a copywriter - which is why I gave very simple, straightforward advice).

You can't blame him for trying to help a pal out.

Steve
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Mark Pescetti 11 years ago

Steve, you always go way above and beyond in helping people here.

You really do.

There are times when the help being asked for simply isn't realistic. This is one of those instances.

I think it's fantastic the OP is helping out a friend. But if a friend asked me for stock advice, I'd tell him that's not my expertise and I really have no business giving him any tips... cause I don't know jack.

The OP is not a copywriter. He doesn't understand a few crucial fundamentals that would make critiquing his copy worth while - for anyone - including those just reading everyone's advice. That's not a knock against the OP. It's just reality.

The best help he can give his friend is telling him to hire a pro (assuming there's even a niche for this campaign.)

My take.

Mark
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Steve The Copywriter 11 years ago

Yes, the OP should get a pro - copywriter to write the letter.

Or someone who can piece together something reasonably maybe even really good.

But for whatever reason this may not happen (it doesn't look like there's any budget, blazer manufacturers aren't prolific advertisers and there might not be anyone else who can help).

So, the best bet may have to be the OP writes something for his pal that is simple and coherent with a great offer.

And makes sure the right audience gets hold of it.

Steve

P.S. Tell you what though if the OP does post another letter it had better be an improvement on the previous one.

If it starts to ramble on and sidetracks off into a confusing, incomprehensible mess we won't be happy... (lol)
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- akinlawon 10 years ago
  
  Thank you very much everyone. I came up with another one this morning. I hope this is an improvement from yesterdays one.
  
  <............sales letter starts here.....................>
  
  Dear Friend,
  
  If you want to look absolutely smart and handsome for your matriculation, this will be the most important letter you’ve read.
  
  First let me tell you who I am.
  
  My name is Mike Ross and I am the Owner of Nitrate blazer. Nitrate blazer has been voted No.1 on the Men’s best blazer list on campus for the fourth year running in the famous Campus Fashion Magazine. I have made blazers for over 200 clients in the past 2 years and I am proud to let you know over 96%of my clients have always been satisfied.
  
  Your matriculation is around the corner and we both know the importance of this big occasion. You cannot afford to wear just anything as you would be the object of mockery if you dress below par to this event. I know you want to look smart and handsome or rather stunning on your matriculation but you are not sure how you can make this happen.
  
  I will tell you exactly what you need to make this happen. The only thing you need to look smart and handsome in your outfit is a
  
  CUSTOM MADE BLAZER OF THE BEST QUALITY
  
  Yes! my friend. That's all you need.
  
  A custom made blazer is a perfectly fitted blazer just for you. You would agree with me that virtually everyone that wears a perfectly fitted blazer looks extremely great in them especially when the blazer is a very good quality.
  
  I would like you to know that wearing a blazer that is a perfect fit and of good quality is the only way you can prevent yourself from being a victim of mockery on this campus.
  
  I do not want you to be the object of ridicule on this campus as this could be really embarrassing. I have seen people stay away from classes for weeks because of this. It is something that is avoidable if you do the right thing. Why should you go through all that if making just one right decision will save you from all embarrassment and shame?
  
  WHAT DECISION WILL SAVE YOU FROM DISGRACE,SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT?
  
  The right decision is to select a blazer designer that can make you a blazer that's your perfect fit and is of the best quality.
  
  There are many blazer designer on campus. Some make good quality and some just want to make money while making blazers of bad quality for their clients. Like I said earlier, I have been voted No.1 on the Men's Blazer list for the fourth year running on the campus magazine by students on campus. I have been rated best as the designer that can make exactly what you want while also giving you the best quality you can find anywhere.
  
  But should that be the only reason you should do business with me?
  
  We are celebrating our 2nd anniversary at Nitrate Blazers and we give a lot of insane bonuses during our anniversary. Bonuses no one on campus can give because they do not have the balls to do so as they would go bankrupt if they attempt to do this.
  
  WHY CAN WE AFFORD TO GIVE YOU THESE BONUSES?
  
  We can because we are the best on campus and we get orders not only from current students but also graduates. The profit we make from making a blazer for a graduate is equivalent to five times that which we get from making a blazer for a student.
  
  This year, the bonuses have become even better. My workers feel i'm being to nice to give away all these bonuses. Well, it's just their opinion. I am the Boss and I've got the final say!
  
  But I have some bad news. Because I cannot compromise the quality of these blazers, you would have to shell out N15000 to get one of the blazers. That’s the bad news. However here is the
  
  GOOD NEWS
  
  On your Matriculation day, I will buy the tie, the cufflinks, the belt and pair of socks you will wear. It doesn’t stop here. Read on!
  
  During your first 6 months of purchase,
  
  • I will pay for your dry-cleaning service anytime you dry-clean the blazer. Worth(N4000)
  • I will buy the first shirt you would wear with this blazer every month(worth 5500)
  • Money Back Guarantee. If at any time during the first 6 months of purchase, you do not want this blazer anymore, simply return it to and I would refund all the money. No questions asked.
  
  I am proud to tell you that I am the only one on campus offering all those benefits without any additional cost. You can go around campus and see if you would find an offer as good as this. But before you do so, read the next paragraph critically.
  
  As much as I hate to say this, I still have to. This offer is limited to the first 30 that take immediate action and would be off by midnight. During our last anniversary, I made an offer that was not even as good as this. It sold out before 3pm. That is about nine hours before midnight.
  
  You can go around campus and see if you would find a better deal but I cant assure you that this offer would still be available when you come back. It would be gone and wouldn't come back at least not for another year.
  
  You are not just buying a blazer. You are buying a blazer that will make you look smart, handsome, stunning and will put you far above all embarrassments some will face after your matriculation.
  
  All you need to do is to bring out your cellphone and CALL THIS NUMBER 0000000000 NOW TO MAKE YOUR ORDER. If the line is busy when you call, Please call again as we receive many calls in a day.
  
  You have to act immediately as this letter was also sent to 300 students just like you.
  
  Thank you for your time and have a great day.
  
  Yours,
  
  Mike Ross.
  
  CEO, Nitrate Blazers.
  
  PS:Last year, I made some blazers for some guyz during their matriculation. This is what some of them had to say:
  
  ‘’This blazer was my perfect fit. Almost everyone had something good to say about it. I walked about being proud of my blazer. I escaped being laughed at as some of my friends became objects of humor”----Samson….MassComm 200l
  
  “Nice blazer. It was far better than I expected. Blazer is of great quality. I got compliments from many ladies. My confidence skyrocketed instantly” ----Steven, Civil Engr 200l
  
  “I almost collapsed when the girl I have been crushing on for so long told me how good I looked in the blazer. I didn’t want to pull it off. I was able to go on a date with her”----Matt, Accounting 200l
  
  You can be like these students if you take action immediately.
  
  <........................Sales Letter ends here.......................>
  
  I hope this is better than the last one. I would like to know your thoughts about this.
  
  Thanks
  
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Steve The Copywriter

10 years ago

There you go!

It's a long way from perfect but it's a 597.79% improvement on the last one (statistical data supplied by Steve's quality development abacus).

Well done.

I am sure you have helped alter the mindset of Max and Mark and they will now offer you their esteemed views on how the letter can be further enchanced.

If not I will.

Steve

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akinlawon 10 years ago

@steve. Thanks so much. I wrote the first letter 2 Months ago.. After then I have read some copywriting books. I guess I should have written the second one before asking for help.

Thanks a lot.
- Thanks
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cristeck 10 years ago

@Akinlawon this is an improvement, and judging from the aspect of students' reasoning, I am sure it will bring conversions in the university, since I am from the same country as you. Just hope you can deliver on the bonuses which you listed in the sales copy (You know how students can be at times) *winks*
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akinlawon

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter

Thanks steve. Please how can this letter be enhanced?

Thanks

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JohnnyG11k

10 years ago

The copy (the intro in particular) has no emotion, no drive, nothing.

You have to start off straight from the pain. What is your prospect most challenged about? Talk about that. Make him feel you know their pain, and struggle. Then deliver on the solution.

Was this helpful? Do you have any further questions?

Thanks
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This NICHE made me $300,000...

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akinlawon

10 years ago

Originally Posted by JohnnyG11k

This was helpful. Are you saying the introduction should come after the pain??

Thanks
1 reply

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JohnnyG11k 10 years ago

No.

The headline should start referring to your prospects' pain

Example

"Do you often stay late at night worrying about your debts and think about your kids' future?"

Then the intro, should take that further...

Each headline/sub-headline/phrase has one thing in common: to get readers naturally consume the next paragraph, and so on

Does it make sense?

Originally Posted by akinlawon

This was helpful. Are you saying the introduction should come after the pain??
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- akinlawon 10 years ago
  
  Yes it does make sense...I would implement that as well.
  
  Thanks
  
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Steve The Copywriter

10 years ago

A headline on the letter would be good.

The english is still "clunky" keep reading it and repair the bumps.

There is still some rambling - read it through carefully and do more editing.

After the into -

"the most important letter you've read" - maybe, but will students believe this? so try - "this is the letter that makes this happen - let me tell you why"

"96% of clients have always been satisfied" - why not delighted? - and what happened to the other 4% - were their blazers remade so they too were thrilled?

I don't have the audience research but it does seems a little over the top that students may feel "mocked", "disgraced" and "shamed" if they are not wearing a good blazer.

If all this is real then leave it in. If it's a bit unreal tone it down. Leaving the "embarrassment" factor in - nobody don't want to look "bad" in front of their pals.

Also mention that everyone is a different shape. Different body lengths, chest sizes are often in between "standard" sizes. Different arm lengths, and shoulder widths. So, the only way a blazer can look fantastic IS if it's tailored precisely for the individual.

And hammer home the style, prestige and pride (and yes, the girls will swoon at the great looks - the guys want this more than anything else).

Mention the materials the blazer is made of - pure new wool for luxurious comfort and classy looks, or a blend of this and that for shape, durability and style etc.

You could say as the event will be photographed - it's important to look great (mums, dads and relations and of course girlfriends will be so proud etc).

Mention the expertise and time that goes into making the blazer - are alterations free? What if customers are not happy what happens?

Why is Nitrate so much better than the others? The cut, the materials, the skill of the customising so the finished blazer is tailored to sheer perfection for the person wearing it.

Justify the price of N1500 - the time, materials and effort that goes into making the blazer. Again say that Nitrate was voted No.1 because of all these reasons. You wouldn't want to wear the 2nd, 3rd of 4th best would you?

Give better reasons for the bonuses it's confusing and makes Mike look too egostitical. Students probably won't warm to this.

Mention that it's 6 free shirts (one a month for six months)

Add up and mention the total value of the bonuses.

The offer expires on midnight. Is that on the day the students receive the letter?

Make the date the offer expires clear.

Steve

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akinlawon

10 years ago

Originally Posted by Steve The Copywriter

A headline on the letter would be good.

The english is still "clunky" keep reading it and repair the bumps.

There is still some rambling - read it through carefully and do more editing.

After the into -

"the most important letter you've read" - maybe, but will students believe this? so try - "this is the letter that makes this happen - let me tell you why"

"96% of clients have always been satisfied" - why not delighted? - and what happened to the other 4% - were their blazers remade so they too were thrilled?

I don't have the audience research but it does seems a little over the top that students may feel "mocked", "disgraced" and "shamed" if they are not wearing a good blazer.

If all this is real then leave it in. If it's a bit unreal tone it down. Leaving the "embarrassment" factor in - people don't want to look "bad" in front of their pals.

Also mention that everyone is a different shape, with different arm lengths, and shoulder widths and the only way a blazer can look fantastic IS if it's tailored precisely for the individual.

And hammer home the style, prestige and pride (and yes, the girls will swoon at the great looks - the guys want this more than anything else).

Mention the materials the blazer is made of - pure new wool for luxurious comfort and classy looks, or a blend of this and that for shape, durability and style etc.

You could say that as the event will be photographed - it's important to look great (mums, dads and relations and of course girlfriends will be so proud).

Mention the skill, expertise and time that goes into making the blazer - are alterations free? What if customers are not happy what happens?

Why is it so much better than the others? The cut, the materials, or the fact that is is custom tailored to perfection for the person wearing it

Justify the price of N1500 - the time, materials and effort that goes into making the blazer. Again say that Nitrate was voted No.1.

Give a clearer reason why people get the bonuses it's confusing and makes Mike look too egostitical. Students probably won't warm to this.

On the bonuses mention that it's 6 free shirts (one a month for six months)

Add up and mention the total value of the bonuses.

The offer expires on midnight. Is that on the day the students receive the letter?

Make the date the offer expires clear.

Steve

Thanks steve. You have been very helpful. I would implement the corrections you have made and put it here once again.

Thanks again.

Thanks

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Please I need help with this salesletter

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