Feedback on a sales page?

Right off the bat I think you're positioning is off. I don't think "skinny" is the word you want to use. "In shape" might be better.

Second, your promise isn't believable. You talk about "for those of us who are extremely obese" (IDK if trying to get people to identify themselves as "extremely obese" is good either) and your promise is to "get skinny in 6 weeks"?!

NOBODY who is "extremely obese" will get "skinny" in 6 weeks... at least not without liposuction or death. People aren't dumb, and as such, you're going to lose people immediately with this promise.

Third, I don't think your copy justifies a $197 price tag because you leave so many questions unanswered and don't even explain the basics of HOW they're going to lose the weight...

Also, take out these lines:

"In fact, the only reason I'm charging for this is because I have a mortgage, car payment, insurance, etc just like everyone else. I'm doing this FULL TIME now. I don't have a job for an income.

I have to make a living somehow so that I can buy my daughter food and clothes! I wish this could just be 100% free but I have to survive somehow."

This product isn't about you, so your price justification is all wrong. Nobody wants to hear that you "don't have a job" or that you need to buy your daughter food and clothes, and it frankly sounds desperate as is.

You shouldn't have to make excuses for why you charge for the coaching.... the value of it should be explained and completely justified in your copy, not apologized for at the end.

I'm not going to go over the rest, you really should be looking at what other successful coaching packages are doing in this niche and get ideas from them.

Why not move your testimonial photographs to the very first frame of the page, above the fold. Those images are shockers and likely to grab the reader's attention to make them want to read on to what you have to say.

The health industry just like forex or IM, needs proof. Real proof. Anyone can claim the proof, only a few can actually show it.

In marketing, there's a saying: "don't tell, show". Before and after case studies with clients work awesome. Or, if you don't have any "successful" clients yet, offer a discount and say "I'm looking for the next success story, that's why I'm opening this coaching for the next 30 days for only $97. All I need is 10 clients to help them reach their objective."

Still, you need proof. Maybe your experience is the proof.

Was this helpful? Do you have any further questions?

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I just went ahead and turned it into a sales video. I think it's a lot better now. - Jared

Jared,

Can you get before/after photos of your friends? You need more social proof. Instead of saying you helped your wife and friends, show the results of your other *clients*.

Also, your coaching program sounds like an experiment rather than a proven system. If you're not confident you can deliver results, say as much and position it accordingly. If it truly is a good program, say so. But don't sit on the fence.

I left the video before the end. Your story was great, but the copy toward the middle wasn't captivating enough to keep me. I can't see the copy to say why, but some of it wasn't relevant (e.g. you quitting your job). I'd suggest keeping it a sales letter, especially if you can get multiple before/after photos for them to scan through.

Good luck!

I agree with others that "skinny" has a negative connotation.

The "experts" are right. It's very dangerous to lose more than 1-2 pounds a week without supervision. Be careful with this.

I actually disagree somewhat with most of the comments that have been posted in this thread so far.

I think your basic approach is pretty good. In particular, like.

1. The fact that you open with a 'confession' (I'm not a doctor). This helps build authenticity and trust.

2. I like that you use pictures for proof. Many video sales letters fail to use photographic evidence, but yours definitely makes good use of it.

3. I like that you craft a compelling background story. It's a nice touch that you mentioned being fat your WHOLE LIFE. This is something a lot of overweight people can relate to.

4. The daughter angle is very smart. I think this establishes altruistic motives and makes you seem like a good guy people can relate to.

5. I like the little touches you added about how the doctors "can't relate" to what fat people experience; e.g., being disrespected, depressed, etc.

6. Is your name really Jared? Whether it's your real name or just a pseudonym, it's a great touch, because it creates an association with Jared the subway guy.

7. The narration is really good. Very emotive and compelling.


- There's no "after" picture. It's good that you include a before pic, but you need an after pic too if you want your video to really be convincing.

- "I'd never even had a girlfriend." I'm not sure how this is relevant. I agree that a lot of fat people have dating problems but this point just seems out of place somehow.

- You sort of go on and on and on about how bad your obesity was. You should get into the "solution" part of the letter sooner, the background story goes on a bit too long and is redundant.

- I'm not really sure about the "50 weeks is too long" angle. I think most people know that it takes a year or more to lose serious weight. You don't want to 'overpromise' and come across like a fad diet peddler.

- The headline above the video could probably be a little stronger.


I've been reading these 'sales page critique requests from forum newbies for a while now, and this is by far one of the best I've seen. Most people who come here clearly don't have a clue what they're even doing. You at least seem to know the basics of how to write a decent sales copy. Just make a few little tweaks and this should convert OK.

I got a chance to see your sales page a few days ago and it was very word heavy. The video approach to the sales page is really brilliant. But again, the video focuses on 'words' though spoken. Why not mix things up some in the video? Offer a variety not just words on the screen with the voice over? Still a very decent sales job done here

I don't have time to watch the whole video Jared, but the beginning drew me in.

When I skipped forward to your offer, you lost me.

You need to make sure you're qualified to offer nutritional advice.

And you need to specify what kind of nutritional information you're giving (i.e. knowing your avatar and what they'll respond to. Hint: You're obviously not telling people how to eat a vegan diet.)

The accountability piece is the right way to go. I'm just not sure about your credentials and execution.

Mark

I can't stand video but this got my attention and kept it. I listened for a couple of minutes and think you really have something here. Good luck.

With the video,maybe if the viewer could see you, since you are the person who is the star of this video; it's your personal weight loss story. So it would be nice to see you in this video, not just clips. Show before pictures but then the video of the 'after' lighter you. That would be a good way to really drive it home that your weight loss success is real.